We Aren't For Passing The Torch Just Yet

Hello Mutant Brainers. I am the second coming. He of which shoelace foretold in the dim and distant past (Monday, I think it was). Anyway, I’m here now, so let’s rattle along shall we?

Bit difficult knowing where to start given that shoelace (can't I just call you Dave, Dave?) has already covered most topics known to man, but one area where I do hold the upper hand is with ‘The Rock’. So let’s start with the oldest little exponent of ‘The Rock’, the man who dreams of rainbows in the dark and other spangly stuff: Mr Ronald James Dio.

I’m not sure but I think I’m probably alone in selecting the track ‘Dio’ as my highlight of Tenacious D, the debut album from Jack Black’s comedy metal vehicle of the same name. When I say alone, I guess I mean alone in the UK as Dio (the man and the band) is a bigger fish in the States than he ever was here and I’m sure there are lots of other people like Black who hold him in equally high regard. Mind you, I’ve never met any of them, so maybe I am on my own. But I had my reasons…

You see, Dio was the man you listened to whilst you read The Lord Of The Rings. He was the man you turned to when you’d outgrown Grange Hill. He was there throughout my teenage years, leaving an indelible mark in my psyche, forever in thrall to rainbows and gypsies and hearts and souls and mysteries.

Looking back, it all seems a bit odd. You love The Lord Of The Rings mainly because of when you read it, when you were fresh and young and desperate to absorb something new and stimulating. Dio worked in the same way. And so this is a blast through my past as well as little Ronnie’s, an affectionate yet slightly embarrassing trawl through the records he made and I loved like only a teenage boy could. Actually, most of them are still rather grand today.

To be honest, I’m going to skip a whole chunk of Ronnie’s career (a poor start, I know, but he had a poor start too, so I think we’re evens). There’s a whole 60s back-catalogue we could wrestle with for starters, but it isn’t very interesting. Or very well known about. Particularly by me. I’m not even going to touch on the self-deprecatingly named Rainbow pre-cursor, Elf. Mainly because I don’t know much about that either other than Ritchie Blackmore decided to steal the whole band when they supported Deep Purple and then sacked them all except Ronnie within months of making the first album.

Where we will start though is with Ronnie’s first mainstream adventures fronting Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow. Now I always wonder what came first here – I mean, did Ronnie’s obsession with rainbows lead to the band being named just that, or did he take inspiration from Blackmore’s name for the band and simply run with it. For the rest of his career.

I like to think that he already had the obsession and that the pair had an almighty falling out simply trying to name the band. This doesn’t seem unreasonable as both egos were apparently as big as Ronnie’s voice around that time.

Ronnie: “I want my band to be called Rainbow.”
Ritchie: “But it’s my band, and I want it named Ritchie Blackmore’s…Band.”
Ronnie: “Well I ain’t gonna sing in no vehicle for some schmuck guitarist.” (Ronnie really talks like that, honest!)
Ritchie: “Pray tell, Ronald, who was the most famous, was it Elf or was it Deep Purple? We shall use my name, it will sell The Records.”
Ronnie: “But it has no mystique.”
Ritchie: “That is my name of which you speak.”
Ronnie: “It has no colour, no symbolism.”
Ritchie: “I should punch you in the face, where it not for your diminuitive stature. I shall make do with hammering on the top of your head.”
Ronnie: “It’s f*cking boring, man.”
Ritchie thumps Ronnie on top of his head.
Ronnie: “Alright big guy. How about we compromise?”
Ritchie: “Might I suggest, then, Ritchie Blackmore’s Band?”
Ronnie: “You can suggest it now for all I care, but how is it a compromise?”
Ritchie: “I’m acknowledging your part in the ‘band’. Oh, and that of these other four losers here who I’ll be sacking just as soon as we’ve settled on a name.”
Ronnie: “I need a rainbow.”
Ritchie: “Well, it would have to be my rainbow, because it’s my band.”
Ronnie: “Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow?”
Ritchie: “Hmm, I like the sound of that.”
Ronnie: “But it’s my rainbow. I caught it. It’s mine.”
Ritchie: “Shall I fire you, too, Ronald?”
Ronnie: “No.”
Ritchie: “That’s that settled then, Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow it is. What shall we call the album?”
Ronnie: “Ronnie James Dio’s Rainbow?”
Ritchie: “Don’t be silly, Ronnie. Oh did I mention that I’m sacking the rest of the band?”
Ronnie: “But they’re my Elf buddies…”
Ritchie: “This is Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow – you will do as I say…”

And thus was Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow born, although we all know that really it was lil’ Ronnie Dio’s rainbow. A point he would make repeatedly, to breaking point in fact, over the next 20 years.

Artist: Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow (later, just Rainbow)
Album: Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow (later, still Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow, nobody changes album titles retrospectively, you nutjob)

So the madrigal guitar player and his fantasy obsessed sidekick singer set off into the world playing merry little tunes, some of which DO NOT contain the word rainbow! However, the cover has a glorious rainbow on it, plus a castle (although Ritchie obviously insisted that it be a castle MADE FROM A GUITAR). The clash between the two titans was obvious, right from the album artwork…

Tracks:
1. Man On The Silver Mountain
Ronnie is the man on the mountain. The man on the silver mountain. We never find out where the mountain is, but we do know it is silver. Whether that’s a natural phenomena or whether someone has covered it in something silver isn’t made clear either. What we do know is that Ronnie is a wheel that can roll (useful) and feel (er, different) and that he claims we can’t stop him turning. His reasoning behind this is apparently because he’s also the sun and he can move and run and we’ll never stop him burning. Which is just what I would have said if you’d have asked me to explain why you couldn’t stop me turning.

It’s true to say that the template for every Dio lyric ever written was set in stone right there and then with that opening salvo. Preposterously non-sensical and with a rhyming scheme the average 7 year old would be embarrassed by, it’s a pattern that rarely changes but which somehow, you OVERLOOK, because, well, because Ronnie sings it so darned fantastically. He’s that good.

Notable also for the first mention of the word Holy in a Dio lyric and the common theme of good vs evil and black vs white. Things to watch for later.

Rainbow Rating: 0 (not a solitary mention)
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 9
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Rating: 10
Average Writing Age: 4
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 10
TOTAL SCORE: 33

2. Self Portrait
Less gung-ho than the opener, this is more low key musically and lyrically. Again, there are no rainbows, but the day/night, dark/light theme is clearly apparent again and once more Ronnie is going on about how he feels (although he isn’t saying he’s a wheel anymore).

Rainbow Rating: 0
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 7
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Rating: 2
Average Writing Age: 9
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 6
TOTAL SCORE: 24

3. Black Sheep Of The Family
A cover version and thus not likely to score very well. Quite how Ritchie forced Ronnie to sing about teacups is a mystery (as is the line, “I’ve got a pocket full of dust and eating is a must”!!!). The only saving grace is that it has the word ‘shadow’ in it and one can only assume that Ronnie liked that, and that it was enough.

Rainbow Rating: -2
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 1
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Rating: 0
Average Writing Age: 4
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 1
Shadow bonus point: 1
TOTAL SCORE: 5

4. Catch The Rainbow
Now this is more like it. A ballad, but a fine sweeping and gentle one that gleefully avoids all the pitfalls that later rock ballads would always fall into. Ronnie croons like a good ‘un and gets to say ‘rainbow’. Lots.

Also, life isn’t a wheel (we know, that’s you Ronnie, you’re a wheel) and chains make their first outing. More of them later.

Rainbow Rating: 10
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 2
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Rating: 8
Average Writing Age: 12
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 5 (but Croonability bonus points: 5)
Bonus Chains Made Of Steel point: 1
TOTAL SCORE: 43

5. Snake Charmer
This is a crap song with crap lyrics that don’t even go near anything mystical. He mentions the word mystery a couple of times, but really, his heart isn’t in it. Move on.

Rainbow Rating: 0
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 0
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Rating: 0
Average Writing Age: 3½
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 0
Bonus Shadows point: 1
TOTAL SCORE: 4½

6. The Temple Of The King
Now we really are cooking on Ronnie Gas! Temples, Kings, The Year of The Fox (savour just how well Ronnie snaps at the word ‘fox’), a young man and tolling bells. It’s all there and it thunders along on a whip-cracking Ritchie riff to transport you to another world. The world of Ronnie, where the shine in a man’s eyes reveals all you need to know about the world.

I’m off to the Temple meself now. I’ll catch you later.

Rainbow Rating: 0
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 6
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Temple Rating: 10
Average Writing Age: 13
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 10
Bonus Year of The Fox poinst: 4
TOTAL SCORE: 43

7. If You Don’t Like Rock’n’Roll
An odd song if you ever take the time to look at the lyrics. Basically there are a bunch of people wandering around with signs (with black letters on them!) that say what you should do if you don’t like rock’n’roll. One is a ‘usual lady’. Not sure why there’s a need to make that distinction. Perhaps Ronnie was just concerned that we didn’t think he tried to pull unusual ladies. Ladymen ladies perhaps? With their sexy lady bits and their sexy men bits too? Who knows. It’s a jaunty little number but best forgotten about really.

Rainbow Rating: 0
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 0
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Temple Rating: 0
Average Writing Age: 12
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 2
TOTAL SCORE: 14

8. Sixteenth Century Greensleeves
Towers! Mad men! Green sleeves! Fire Spire Higher rhyming schemes! Crossbows! Flames! Drawbridges! Bright Light Night rhyming schemes! Truly, a lyrical genius was born at this very point in time (1975, I mean, not the 16th century). A totally mad song, but fun nonetheless. Let yourself go, you were happily sauntering up a silver mountain earlier, what have you got to lose?

Rainbow Rating: 0
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 10
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Temple in the Tower Rating: 10
Average Writing Age: 14
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 10
Bonus Pyre/Fire avoidance point: 1
TOTAL SCORE: 45

9. Still I’m Sad
Another cover version, this time of a Yardbirds track and so immune from any lyrical Ronnie-isms, although there are stars and tears and you’d guess that this was Ronnie’s pick this time. And maybe it was but guess what. Ritchie turns it into an instrumental, rendering Ronnie toothless in the battle for power.

And it definitely sounds like The Lion Sleeps Tonight! [I told him that, cementheads. Yes, I'm intruding already]

Rainbow Rating: 0
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 3 (for the Ritchie/Ronnie battle)
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Temple in the Tower Rating: 0
Average Writing Age: 7
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 0
TOTAL SCORE: 10

[TBC. At least, I bloody well hope so. Yes, it's me again]