I'm so prolific, it's unebelievable! LESS than 4 months after my last blog, here I am again, babbling away and hoping against hope to complete a blog about lil' Ron and his master, Ritchie Blackcape, and their second foray into the music making and stuff.
1976 - Rainbow Rising
This is where it all started for me and lil' Ron. Clearly, it wasn't the beginning beginning, as we've already covered the beginning beginning in the last post. Well, the Rainbow beginning at any rate. And to be honest, when I say this is where it all started, it wasn't actually in 1976. No. That was when the album was made, yes. But I didn't hear it in all seriousness until possibly 1983 when my metal mania was just beginning to take hold. But it was one of the first, mainly due to the fact that my Dad had a copy on tape and so, with the other tiny metal pockets in his record collection (Black Sabbath Volume 4, Led Zeppelin 2 (AET)) became my real introduction to the Land Of The Riff. And in this case, the land of the Rainbows!!!
By the way, my Dad made his own tiny metal pockets, it was the kind of things Dads did in those days. Dads today just don't have the know-how nor the craftmanship. I should know, I am one, and I can't make a bloody thing. Except omelettes. Good at omelettes.
Anyway back to Lil' Ron and his taskmaster. What did they cook up for us this time I hear you ask. Well actually, on paper, not much. Just a measly 6 tracks! And Side 2 only had 2 of those on it (my Dad initially had this on vinyl with the labels on the wrong side, but for some reason swapped it for something else - probably worth a bazillion quid now, Dad! Could have made for a bionic hip that!)
Anyway, 6 tracks. And that side 2 duo? Possibly my favourite 2 tracks of my teenage years!!!! Let's take a look inside shall we?
Tracks:
1. Tarot Woman
In which Lil' Ron has a bad experience at the fair. No, honestly, I think he does. He's enticed in by said Tarot Woman of the title. "She can take you there, the entrance to the fair". And she does to. Not sure if this is a contemporary tale or one from Lil' Ron's Lil'er youth (perhaps it was contemporary and the scary Tarot lady just mistook him for a small (but clearly ugly) child), but regardless, it obviously blighted his tiny little mind for a while. He didn't want to go ("no, no, no") but he does because of some lines in the sand. I'm thinking it was probably Southport Funland (which isn't in the south, at a port, any fun or, well ok, it was on land, but 1 out of 4 is quite poor, I think you'll agree). Anyhoo, there's plenty of sand there and am sure there are lines on it that point to the fair. He was there, I'm sure.
Then he sees someone with a bright shiny face and that scares him because the next thing you know, he's never going back. I'm thinking sunburnt scousers are a distinct possibility here. Anyway, he still finds time to ride the carousel which leaves him under the delusion that he can fly (again! Always with the bloody flying Ron, why can't you leave it man? If God had've meant you to fly he'd have...er, well if evolution had intended you to fly, you'd have...well, look, it isn't meant to be, ok? Give it a rest.) Turns out she isn't even a very good Tarot Woman. "I'll never return. How do you know? Tarot Woman? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know." Fiver down the drain there Ron, fiver down the drain.
Rainbow Rating: 0
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 3 (not so much a battle as a misrepresentation under the trades description act, but there's blackness there, to be sure)
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Temple in the Tower Rating: 0 (c'mon, Southport beach?)
Average Writing Age: 5 ("her love is like a knife, she'll carve away your life"!!!!)
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 5
TOTAL SCORE: 13
2. Run With The Wolf
See, already you know you're onto better things. There's a wolf in the title, that gets you all mystical and wondery already, doesn't it? Go on, you think you're in the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant now, don't you? In mystical forests and stuff. You do, you know you do.
Anyway, this wolf falls through a hole in the sky on the sound of the wind, fulfilling tales the "old ones" used to tell. Spooky, eh? AND there's unholy light in this one. Can't fail. You also can't beat the way Lil' Ron snaps out the title, like he's a Lil' Wolfman himself. Great stuff!!!
Rainbow Rating: 0 (you're starting to think he never sings about Rainbows that much now aren't you? It'll come, trust me)
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 8 (sure, there's no actual bloodshed, but the wolf 'bites and snaps' and is a bit spooky and the unholy light indicates somebody from the dark side clearly had a vested interest in the performance of the wolf on this particular day when he fell through the hole in the sky - indeed "something evil's passing by" at the time, but I suppose that might be coincidence, I'll have to ask)
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Temple in the Unholy Light Rating: 7 (I like it when things are lit by things unholy - actually, unholy doesn't have to be bad does it? I'm unholy and I'm quite nice most of the time - it's a light that isn't a pious preachy "look at me, I'm a light, you should be a light like me" kind of light, so it's actually probably quite an alright light now I think about it. I may have to review the rating for this one.)
Average Writing Age: 15 (possibly one of his best efforts to date, it's rarely embarrassing)
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 8
TOTAL SCORE: 38
3. Starstruck
We're advancing all the time now. We have stars in the title and that always indicates the Lil' Ron has upped his game a little bit. But it isn't as mystery-laden as you might hope. No, this is Ron telling us he has groupies who follow him around everywhere. Or at least pretending he has. It kind of smacks of desperation a little bit. You can imagine Ritchie and Cozy Powell trading groupie tales and Lil' Ron trying to join in: "yeah, I had a girl look at me once, and not even in a malicious way. And she followed me. Yes, she definitely followed me and up the stairs and everything." Ritchie: "Did you shag her Lil' Ron?". "Er, no. She was bad luck."
And so a song was born. Lil' Ron claiming he gets the girls but clearly any he did get were mingers (evidenced by line "she wants a photograph, and everybody laughs"). Poor Ron.
Rainbow Rating: 0
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 4 (this is Lil' Ron railing against those letchy bandmates of his)
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Temple in the Tower Rating: 1 (for the opening 'high on a hill' line which promises much but fails to deliver)
Average Writing Age: 11 (possibly higher given Ron's seemingly stunted emotional development)
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 9 (man, belt this one out!)
TOTAL SCORE: 25
4. Do You Close Your Eyes
Lil' Ron, ridiculed in the last song, goes a step further, no doubt goaded by Ritchie Blackmask: "bet you've never even slept with a woman, have you Ron?". Ron: "I have too." Ritchie: "What was it like then." Ron: "I, er, well, I don't know. I, er, had me eyes closed. Yes, closed my eyes I did. Doesn't everyone?"
And another song was born.
Mystery to Ron, is something he can't see. That's invisible to most people, Ron, in-vis-ib-le. He actually says "making sweet love" as well. Funny.
And he's clearly not versed in the way of the woman by this stage: "Open your arms 'cause I'm coming." Wrong appendages, Ron! I hope Big Ritchie gave you some advice.
Rainbow Rating: 0 (c'mon Ron, you could have made sweet love under a rainbow at least!)
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 1 (there are no battles here, Ron is devoid of fight at this point, crippled by the masculinity of the rest of the band, the poor little tyke)
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Temple in the Tower Rating: 0 (it's about sweet, sweet lovemaking, there's no Holy Goddamn Mountains or nothing)
Average Writing Age: 12 (no older and no younger, this is definitely a 12 year olds song)
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 4
TOTAL SCORE: 17
5. Stargazer
We're here at last. A bona fide classic. 8+ minutes of fantasy-inspired nonsense that really takes you to another place. And not Southport this time, either. It opens like this:
"High noon, oh I'd sell my soul for water
Nine years worth of breakin' my back
There's no sun in the shadow of the wizard
See how he glides, why he's lighter than air?
Oh I see his face!
Where is your star?
Is it far, is it far, is it far?
When do we leave?
I believe, yes, I believe"
And Ron sings it with such passion and belief you think it must actually have happened to him and perhaps that's why he's so small - its curvature of the spine after doing hard labour for the local wizard!
"In the heat and the rain
With whips and chains
To see him fly
So many die
We build a tower of stone
With our flesh and bone
Just to see him fly
But don't know why
Now where do we go?"
So he gets a job as a labourer, the work dries up, and there's nowhere for them to go. The bloody wizard lays them all off, no redundancy money, no guarantee of a job in the future, he's got his tower (at some cost to the workers, it has to be said) and that's that, off you go little curvy-spined people, do not darken my door again.
He gets his comeuppance though, falls down he does (a bit too much like Saruman methinks), off of his tower. And Lil' Ron and his hobbity mates are free!
To be honest, this is awesome, it builds and builds and Ron is just off on one for the last 3 minutes, going home then not going home, his ears bleeding and all sorts. It's fantastic - it was my favourite song for a very long time, and even now I like to warble along to it from time to time. The legend of Ron was born here.
Rainbow Rating: 7 (there's one rising here, look - on the horizon!)
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 10 (how much more good vs evil can you get - it has a very bad wizard in it, it's a fantastical allegory for socialist struggle against capitalist wizard pigs)
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Temple in the Tower Rating: 10 (towers a-plenty here)
Average Writing Age: 15 (he never gets past 15, trust me, so this is the pinnacle)
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 10
TOTAL SCORE: 52
6. A Light In The Black
Another 8+ minutes of fantastical nonsense, this is quite literally, a sequel to Stargazer, and almost as bloody good, too! This is just Ron mesmerised by his own brilliance in the last song really. He's pondering the look on the wizard's face a lot (which is really him pondering how well he wrote about the bloody wizard in the last song). It doesn't quite scale the heights of Stargazer but the two together work wonderfully well - he's still coming home on this one, getting over that crazy dream the wizard dude had about building towers out of flesh and bone and the light in the black is what's calling him home. That and the thought of a decent meal and not having to sleep in orc shit.
Rainbow Rating: 1 (it gets a point because its the sequel to previously mentioned rainbows)
Good vs Evil/Black vs White Rating: 10 (its still the same battle, albeit just the soft mushy aftermath)
Holy Goddamn Sailing Mountain Temple in the Tower Rating: 10 (we're still talking towers as well, aren't we, and lights in the gloom)
Average Writing Age: 13
Lung-busting Rock God Singalongability: 10
TOTAL SCORE: 44
So there you have it - Lil' Ron doing great things. Long Live Rock'n'Roll, eh? (That's next, folks!)
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