Christmastime, Mistletoe and Gin

Only kidding. I'm not that keen on gin. It'll be whisky, rum and/or red wine. And Cliff Richard can fuck right off, the musical sadist. Anyway, it's Christmas! And to celebrate the fact that I have an hour to kill before I can put the roast potatoes and parsnips on, I thought I'd slip in a quick shuffle. This was the shuffletastic musical sounds of the eve of Christmas eve last year. Superbean makes an appearance (one that makes sense now that he's been introduced most thoroughly).

In your face, you bindipping musitards.

You don't deserve one anymore than you deserve any presents, but here's a festive sPazTune. Well, it'll be festive if you eat a mince pie whilst frittering away valuable time reading it, or something. I'm not going to be otherwise theming it in any way. What do you think it is, bloody Christmas?

1. Jimmy Eat World - Sweetness
God alone knows why I own this. Well, God and me, but I'm not telling. So go ask God, see what he has to say for himself, the big bearded tit.

2. Pink Floyd - Vera
Anyone got any Veras? Pink Floyd have? Laahhhvvveeellly.

3. King Khan & His Shrines - Take a Trip
Brass-tastic. Garagelounge-derful. Also reasonably average. Better than the Dirtbombs songs it was split with, though.

4. Monster Magnet - Tractor
From the first EP, when Dave Wyndorf couldn't sing particularly well. Possibly about his favourite Massey Ferguson. Which I think is a type of tractor, although it might well be a typewriter.

5. Ian Dury & the Blockheads - Heavy Living
It shouldn't have taken Ian so long to realise how much he needed Chas and the rest. But particularly Chas. Also, he should have banned his son from singing and given him a better name, but that's nothing to do with this particular song.

6. We the People - Mirror of Your Mind
That doesn't make any sense, you run of the mill garage mongs.

7. Wu Tang Clan - Uzi (Pinky Ring)
Had this very song before, I think. I don't care. It's fucking Scary Fucking Rap Fucking Dude-tastically wonfuckingunderful. Pinky ring sounds rude.

8. The Who - Shakin' All Over / Spoonful / Twist & Shout (Live at the IOW)
A fun medley for when they had temporarily run out of their own songs and fancied titting about for a bit. Fun, yes. Tremendous, no.

9. Vibracathedral Orchestra - Jubilee
Much better than whatever pap you're listening to (with certain exemptions. You know who you are).

10. Beat Happening - That Girl
Which girl? That girl? Where on the stair? Right there! Possibly wearing clogs, we won't know for sure until we get the tests back.

11. T'Sweet - Ballroom Blitz
Ready Steve? Andy? Mick? No? Alright, I'll hang on a tick. How about now? Alright then! Etc, etc. t'bloody t'brilliant.

12. Creeping Nobodies - Cold Hands
Ta, Joe.

13. Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet - Bang Bang
One of my favourite songs, in a wonderfully wildy and twangy mariachi superstyle. Whatever that means. HEY!

14. Edgar Broughton Band - Officer Dan
Sounds a bit like the Steptoe and Son theme tune. Then it changes in the middle, before changing back.

15. The Prisoners - For Now and Forever
It's The Prisoners. What more convincing do you bloody well need, cementhead?

16. Ultravox - Passing Strangers
Sounds painful. Not the song, the concept of trying to pass a stranger.

17. Vic Godard & the Subway Sect - Stool Pigeon
The only way this could be any better is if it were a Kid Creole cover version.

18. EPMD - DJ K La Boss
The DJ was not the highlight of EPMD. This song shows why.

19. Chris Farlowe - Looking For You
I'm over here!

20. Billy Ocean - Red Light Spells Danger
The eternal debt owed by B&S to The Ocean. YES. "Dog on Wheels" is almost identical to "Caribbean Queen". Only joking. HOWEVER. And yes, the capitals are entirely justified. As even a cementhead like you realises, the crown jewel of the Billy Ocean back catalogue is "Red Light Spells Danger" (Rupert the Bear suit wearing on TOTP whilst singing "Love Really Hurts Without You" notwithstanding). How miffed must Billy have been to have realised that B&S decided to cover it, only to call it "Sleep the Clock Around", change all the lyrics and, just to rub salt into the gaping musical wound, not credit him (and also take out all the good bits)!

Not very much, is the answer. I doubt he has noticed - he's Billy Ocean, for fuck's sakes, he's probably too busy eating crumpets with Lionel "stop adopting crackass hoes" Richie to give a flying fig, fuck or toss. Either way, Billy Ocean >>>> B&S. And yes, I have used large parts of this part of the post before. It isn't plagiarism if it's your own stuff, just tedious repetitiveness (depending on your point of view). One of the finest songs in all of the whole wide world and if you don't think so, well, you should have your license to own ears revoked. Immediately.

I often ask myself "why do I bother". I often follow this up with the answer "I have quite literally no idea". Enjoy your musitard Christmasses, cementheads.