It's been a long time, been a long lonely lonely lonely time

It hasn't really, it's been about ten minutes. I was just listening to Rock'n'Roll by Led Zeppelin whilst preparing the shuffle and I couldn't resist. I blame Mr. Bangtango the sPazAmper. He sent me a message with that as a title and it started the short and not really all that convoluted series of events that led to me using it as a post title. VALHALLA I AM COMING. It's Immigrant Song, now. Obv.

The sound of Christmas Day in the shufflehouse, '06 style dudes.



In your massively wrinkled faces, you cockney spacksicians. I thought it was only fair. Y'know, balance and all that.

I should have better things to do. I don't. Deal with it, cementheads.


1. Jethro Tull - Locomotive Breath
I sort of know what he's getting at, but it still doesn't stop the mental image of the subject of the song going "choo choo!" everytime they open their mouth. Doesn't detract from the grandness of the song, mind.

2. Big Black - Precious Thing
A song all about Steve Albinoid's love for all things Kinder Egg. His favourites were the Crazy Crocos. He cried for a week they when discontinued them before he completed his set, and now he spends endless hours diligently scouring ebay in the forlorn and desperate hope that the schoolteacher croco and the BMX croco will turn up. This is far more interesting than the actual song.

3. Afghan Whigs - Come See About Me
Better than the original, and anyone who says otherwise is deaf. They should have been roundly worshipped as titanic musical gods. Instead, you mostly ignored them and they went away. Now that stupid bint off of television's the X-filesFactor is number 1. You get what you deserve, you swines.

4. Amon Düül II - Cerberus
Twingly twangly pseudo-eastern guff about a mutant dog. I'm reasonably sure I can hear a bongo or nine in the first half. Picks up dramatically towards the end (after the bongo pisses off. Coincidence? I think NOT). First half is shit, second half is more like the usual standard. Still guff about a freakdog, though.

5. David Bowie - Rock'n'Roll Suicide
I loved this song when I was about 15. I thought it was dead clever and stuff. I later recognised it as a big pile of self-indulgent pseudo-arty pile of massive wankery. Bowie, however, was distinctly older than 15 when he wrote and recorded it. The cock end. Straight out of the draw marked "future Radiohead lyrics / third rate A-Level poetry". Also, it took him a remarkably short amount of time to start sounding like a cruel and ridiculous parody of himself. And his wife looks like a man. And he smells. Of poo. Ner.

6. Inspiral Carpets - Paper Moon
Well that's just ridiculous. The sun would set it on fire every eclipse time. More enjoyable than the last song. As is having shingles.

7. The Wombles - Remember You're a Womble
It'd be hard to forget, what with all the fur, and the giant snout, the bad clothes and the irresistible urge to collect shit you find on the floor. Also better than Bowie.

8. t'Sweet - Wig Wam Bam
Wild Native American sex in a tent. Sung by rough Scottish blokes mostly dressed as very odd women. It's what the baby Jesus invented music for. Eighteen times better than Bowie.

9. Aguaturbia - Hermoso Domingo
Cheerily winsome early seventies sunny pop recorded in a tin of beans. By foreign mentals. No idea who or what Hermoso Domingo is, though.

10. GLC - GLC Will Bang in Your Face
Filth.

11. James Brown - Say it Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud)
I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD. Is that loud enough? Only I'm not black, see. Hope that won't prove to be a problem Jim, you massive gun-toting, wife-punching squanderer of talent. With stupid hair.

12. Thrones - A Quick One
Yes, it is a cover, and a bastard fucking fine one too. Plus I have my bastard fucking fine Thrones t-shirt on, so huzzahs all round.

13. The Smiths - I Know It's Over
I wish I could say the same. Still five bloody minutes of it left. Oddly, I like this on Rank and always have, whereas I have always found it to be painfully dreary on The Queen is Dead (the version that is currently besieging my ears like a horde of apathetic and feeble bee-stings). I am contemplating going voluntarily deaf.

14. Mansun - Wide Open Space
One of three reasons to love Mansun. Feel free to choose your own choices for the other two. Unfortunately, they released about thirty other reasons to hate them.

15. Chas'n'Dave - The Sideboard Song
Everyone who has recorded a song since this should be ashamed of themselves. David Bowie dreams of being this good. It is a forlorn and hopeless dream, though. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care if he comes round here. I got my beer in the sideboard here, let Mother sort him out if he comes round here. Wise words, words we would all do well to heed.

16. The Cramps - Swing the Big-Eyed Rabbit
No. Bloody filthmongers.

17. Neil Diamond - Oh Mary
If I was around about sixty, had been out of fashion for a while and Rick Rubin rang me up and asked if he could record an album for me, I'd check the levels of my life insurance. And, if Neil and Johnny are anything to go by, I'd release some cracking songs whilst I waited for death's icy finger. I've just realised that I've made it sound like Neil Diamond is dead. He isn't. Yet.

18. South Park Children's Choir - Dead, Dead, Dead
All Christmas songs should be this happy and cheery. And so on Christmas morning let good tidings fill your head, what a festive season, someday you'll be dead.

19. The Independents - C is for Cookie
It's only a minute and a half long, it's a cover of a Sesame Street song and, if you take away the actual Cookie Monster sample at the start it only uses nine different words, but I love it. A tiny, perfectly formed thing of beauty.

20. Jethro Tull - Christmas Song
Sound contrived? What with it being Christmas and the sPazTune beginning and ending with two immensely wonderful Jethro Tull songs? Well, it is. Sort of. I would have finished this about two hours ago, but I got distracted by a vintage Times crossword from 1936. On Christmas Eve. At this time of the morning. I know! You wish you had my life, bitch.

Happy Babyjesusmas.