sPazAmp 8 Frillion; Take 2

After yesterday's boost to the sales of prozac, I thought I'd have another stab (not in the knifecriming way). It'll be much better, I promise. But only to the extent that Death Magnetic didn't suck as hard or as disgustingly as St. Anger. Look at me with my Metallica analogies. Anyone would think I particularly liked them or something. For the record, I don't and Lars Ulrich is a twunt who increasingly resembles Phil Collins in brain, body and (lack of) soul. Also, Mr. Hetfield - that is no way for a 45 year old bloke to act. Nob.

1. Wampas - Wampas
Splendid churning French Rockapsychobilly that sounds like a French, billy version of something off Bedtime for Democracy by the Dead Kennedys. Possibly Dear Abby. Or Triumph of the Swill. Fascinating stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.

2. Iron Maiden - Iron Maiden
Second song out and already the software is swinging its balls about the place, strutting and preening for hitting on a s/t theme. This is the sort of behaviour I expected from poncey old sPazTunes (software for people who are scared by software, designed to run on computers for people who think that the colour of the computer is the most important bit. Bunch of fannies), I expected better from you, you little llama-themed piece of orange musicality. Put them away, they're disgusting. Oh, it's the Live after Death version. You'll have to imagine the majestic Dickinson Rock Pointing. Whilst you're about it, place one of Steve Harris' feet on a mental monitor and try your hardest to be wearing a Wet Spam FC football shirt. It'll enhance the experience, trust me. TRUST ME.

3. Faith No More - The Real Thing
Nice segueway, sPazAmp. I still don't want to see your balls, though. I told you to put them away. They're not big, and you're not clever. I think it would have been only fair had The Real Thing recorded a cod-soul song called Faith No More. I initially typed that as Fatih No More and completely changed the theme from slightly off-kilter and thoroughly spunksome rock to a campaign to off the former manager of the Turkish national football team. Unfortunate.

4. Mantronix - Bassline
Slight shift there, Mr. Amp (of the sPaz variety). More electro than hip hop (or even rip rap, as me mum called it the other day, bless), with tinny, squawky "rapping" from MC Tee, former sailor and the only person to ever lose to Rodney O in a rap battle (in my head). Still, if you tune out the LL Cool J-with-rickets vocals, it's still all good. Well, not ALL good. I mean poverty and stuff is still bad. Song is far longer than it has any right to be, if you ask me. Which, theoretically, you did by reading this. Goon.

5. Sin Alley - Money
Storming psycho-inflected rockabilly thunder? Check. Balls out, full on interpretation of a song that widdles all over the original? Check. Reasonably hot lady belting out the words? Check. Unfortunately, it lets itself down with the fact that she sings as if she is trying to make sounds by forcing her adenoids out of the top of her head. Stupid moo.

6. Elton Motello - Sha La La La Lee
A thoroughly unthreatening and largely faithful rendition of the Small Faces original. Punk my arse (that isn't an instruction. Especially not if you happen to be Ashton Fucking Kutcher. Incidentally, I watched him try to act once. It upset me).

7. Mansun - Six
It's a Mansun song. But not one of the good ones. So it sounds quite a lot like all the others, only not as good as the handful of good ones. In summary: not very good, with showers drifting in from the east.

8. Screaming Trees - Transfiguration
From the time in their career where they sounded like Beatles-inflected underground sixties US garage pop (the Beatles-inflected is a bit redundant there, that's what they all sounded like. Better than the Beatles, obviously, and all of them, even the retarded ones, had a better drummer. Fuck off, Ringo, you're shit). Which means it is before the time when Mark Lanegan obtained a voice like liquid, singing sex - the kind of liquid, singing sex that smokes forty a day and gargles with Bulleit bourbon. So before the drugs, basically.

9. The Cynics - I Don't Need You
Averagely fun revivalist garage dudes. Not their best, but still ten miles better than the Mansun effort (and, thankfully, about a quarter of the length. Who told Mansun they could make eight minute long songs? Certainly wasn't me).

10. Jethro Tull - Too Old To Rock'n'Roll, Too Young To Die
I'm neither. I'm thirty-six.

11. Nick Cave & The Sad Sheeps - The Moon is in the Gutter
It's not Nick. That's your arse. Pull yourself together, man. Vaguely Roxy-esque, circa For Your Pleasure, with added Tom Waits aping. Very good, mind - three gazillion times better than he's been for about a decade (Abbatoir Blues excepted). You can fuck off with your Grinderman, it was shit. FACT. END OF. SIMPLE AS. Oh yes.

12. Divine Comedy - Becoming More Like Alfie
The pinnacle of Neil's career. Splendid, mellifluous, tunesome without question. And also slapbang in the middle of my car-a-oke singing range, which is lucky for them. Why couldn't he make more songs (or even albums) like this one? The twat.

13. Sailor - Girls, Girls, Girls
It's no "Glass of Champagne", but it'll do. Thanks, Sailor. Thailor.

14. Furniture - The Sound of the Bell
One of the finest songs ever fashioned into a form acceptable to the human ear, and a clear indication of just how often Pulp listened to Furniture and just why they should probably pay them some royalties for a number of songs. Honestly, it's a musical item of grandeur from start to finish. Belle & Sebastian should probably pay them, too. But then, they're massive musical light fingered tea-leaves magpies and even stooped to stealing a Cliff Pilchard tune. Plus I shall never forgive them ripping off Billy Awesome Ocean. The twats.

15. Andy Williams - Spooky
Not as good as the Lesbotic Panda's version, but still a quality slice of lounge. Andy even manages to sound a little sleazy (and disturbingly like Georgie Fame at times). For some reason, the Lesbotic Panda version reminds me strongly of sad times spent in a draughty Crumpsall flat with someone who deserved better. Something to do with the Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels soundtrack, I think. Hmmmn.

16. Muse - Plug-in Baby
Ah, when Muse used to be good. And shamelessly steal royalty-free classical music. I wish Muse were still this good, I love a good wildly over-the-top, massively melodramatic rock beast, I do.

17. Servotron - Rocketdog
If it turns out to be Servotron by Rocketdog, I don't care. It's pleasant garagey punky stuff, with a hint of B52s. And a bit of random electro. And it's from an Estrus benefit album for when their warehouse burnt down, which makes it essential buying (well, not now - it's deleted and they get practically no benefit from you buying it on ebay. For practically read entirely).

18. The Novas - The Crusher
I knew someone who used to sing this in the shower. TBF be fair, it is a fine shower-singing song. Aw.

19. ODB - Baby C'mon
RIP in peace, ODB dirty bastard. A curious kind of possibly retarded genius, with a unique flow without equal or compare. A nutter, but one of the good ones.

20. McCain/Obama debate
I had to turn the musics off, soz. I've got a tenner on a McCain coronary. Here's hoping!


BYE!

Yeah!

Or possibly no! It all depends on your point of view, really. Gird your loins (or possibly lions, if your a bestial welderer. Come on, keep up with the self-referential navel-gazing tugfest masquerading as a running joke), splice your mainbrace, get naked and get your sPazAmp on! All new (well, the songs probably won't be), all singing (apart from the instrumentals), all dancing (mainly me. In my chair. Like a big spacker), ALRIGHT!

Ahem.

1. Pink Floyd - Fat Old Sun
A nice, gentle, fuzzy start. One of the two John Peel versions, the shorter, not as good version. In fact, the third best version I have. Update your charts, do NOT drink your weak lemon drink.

2. Marble Sheep - Fla Fla Heaven
Has this been on before? I suspect it has. Long, slightly mentally-uncertain Japanese poprockadelia. Hugely inoffensive, distinctly endearing, sort of like mid-period Flaming Lips (if they had a bit of a clue) crossed with Captain Sensible-era Damned, seasoned with a dash of Wedding Present (c. Bizarro), and sounding nothing like the description whatsoever. You'd likely as not hate it, but then, you're stupid and your ears are nowhere near as well developed as mine. Suck on that, biotch.

3. Billy Joel - Piano Man
I AM THE PIANO MAN . Joke for two people, one being me and the other being someone who won't be reading this. Damn you Richard. WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE. Oops, sorry.

4. Pulp - Common People (peel session)
TELL HER ABOUT IT. It's Common People, by Pulp. On a Peel Session. I'm reasonably sure you can work out what that sounds like. It's not like you're totally retarded.

5. Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper - Debbie Gibson is Pregnant with my Two-Headed Lovechild
The title says it all. I feel any comment from me at this point would be entirely superfluous. OCTIN TEAR .

6. Los Manganzoides - Lluvia de Fuzztones
No idea what they're on about, don't speak spanielish. I reckon, but I might be wrong, that it's something to do with The Fuzztones. What with the word Fuzztones being in the title, and with them sounding a bit like them, in an Argentina-y way. No, I know - my insight really does know no bounds.

7. The Smiths - Hand in Glove
The heartwarming tale of mitten-based fisting. With added pointless, and irritating, harmonica.

8. Morita Doji - I Become a Lonely Wind Without You
Proof, if proof be need be , that you don't need to understand the lyrics for a song to make you want to do a cry. A tough, rugged mancry, of course. But a big slice of sad, all the same. Smothered with lashings of extra thick, double strength Upsetting Custard. What a shit overstretched analogy.

9. The Who - Glittering Girl
Proof, if proof be need be , that the lyrics don't need to make any sense or carry any sense of pertinence to make you want to do a cry. Not having the best run of sPazAmp luck, really.

10. Soundgarden - Into the Void
It's, like, Soundgarden, impersonating Slack Babbath. Probably because it's a Slack Babbath song and the tiny grunge-elf Cornell is doing his darnedest to sound like Ozzy. So there you go.

11. Chris Cornell - Fell on Black Days (live in Sweden)
Didn't take long for sPazAmp to get all cocky and start theming, did it. Not great, not horrible. It's the Heinz Tomato Soup of music.

12. Offspring - Why Don't You Get a Job
Well, why don't you stop outing the stuff I really like that makes everyone laugh at me, sPazAmp. Plus, I SO have a job. It's shit and annoys me.

13. The Singing Loins - So Long, My Old China
Oh fucking thank fucking you, sPazfuckingAmp. Yes, it's a fucking splendid fucking song, but really, on fucking top of everything fucking else, it's fucking not fucking one I want to be fucking hearing at this time of fucking year. Sorry for the swears, came over all Gordon Ramsay there (not in a rude way, urgh). Fucking.

14. R.E.M - Everybody Hurts
Oh for fuck's sale sPazAmp, you're just taking the piss now. It's not even as if I've even vaguely had a hint of liking this since about 1992 (and even then the Elvis theftery was testicle-ticklingly obvious). It's like, sung by Michael Stipe, and blablabla . Still making me do a sad, mind.

15. Edgar Broughton Band - Mr. Cosby
Probably not about Bill, sadly. Still ace though, despite the presence of fucking bongo(e)s.

16. Smog - I Was a Stranger
I seem to have acquired a sPazAmp channelling the spirit of a sPazAmp normally reserved for South Wales teenagers with a passion for emo, facebook groups and suicice. Although with different songs, natch. If I didn't know better (and I rarely do), I'd swear it was trying to do me in. Dastardly technology.

17. Roxy Music - 2HB
My favourite song about pencils. Just about one of my favourite songs ever, tbh be honest. When I have space, time and inclination, I shall have to while away hours listening to the vinyl, just like I did as an angsty, moody teen - one who thought a parting and a massive Ferry-like flick was a good idea. Personally, looking back, I don't think it was. I didn't notice at the time though, so it's all good. Except it isn't, because I was an angsty moody teen. A vicious circle of the most pointless and vacuous kind. Corking song, though.

18. Magnetic Fields - Book of Love
Look, sPazAmp, keep this up and I'll be going back to sPazTunes. I'll even buy an iPod to really rub it in. Cheer me up, for the love of grud, drokk it.

19. Husker Du - Eight Miles High
Insert your own umlauts. In your anus. This is little cheerier, sPazAmp. You well know just how inexplicably sad I find this song, you massive tool of a piece of software. Still, any excuse for a massive nihilistic scream, so I guess I'll forgive you.

20. Scissor Sisters - Return to Oz
The double whammy of outing a musical joy derided by others and persisting with depressing me. You really are heading for a life in the recycle bin, sPazAmp. Still, reminds me of two of the best gigs I've been to (no kidding), both of which have a tiny sadness attached all of their own. Oh, the boundless, untrammelled joy.



That wasn't nearly as much fun as it used to be. Like the worst comeback album ever. Hint: when your sPazAmps make St. Anger look good, give up.

This, that, but not the other.

I bet you thought I was dead. Yes, you - the mythical reader of this nonsensical voyage through nonsense. Well, I in't. So relax, you're not being typed at by a zomboid. I live, just about, much to the chagrin of many.

Also, I'm back. Here and on the musicky version of my witterings. I'm going to set myself a plan, a plan to inflict myself on the interwebworld on a far more regular basis, with a mutantbrain spurt on a thursday and a mutantrock musing on a tuesday. Knowing me, this plan will last less than a week (that only leaves me a Monday to abandon myself to the pointlessness of Spore and Wednesday to pursue a PhD. It keeps running away, the little sod).

So yeah. Suck on that, bitches. It'll be great, you'll love it. My return is the reason they had to shut down the Large Hardon Collider temporarily. Electrical fault my arse (that's not an instruction), they're just diverting all their science brain energies to deciphering this blog, the only proof they'll ever need of the existence of the Higgs Moron particle.

To celebrate, here are some Youtubes. I've chosen these from whatever Firefox suggests to me from previous browsals when I start typing youtu into the address bar. Proper random.



Shit. This was suggested as "funny" somewhere on the interwebulars. It's not. Not even the cat, the Baldwin or the Vader. Shit, with a capital wank. Which sounds like something an appreciative toff might say to a prostitute.




She's a generalist. Not a specialist, a generalist. She's also an ugly, talent vacuum with the face a horse's mother wouldn't love and a skank factor to rival Amy Whorehouse's arsecrack. Holistic vocal coach is apparently special code for deranged bint with the personal appeal of a rampaging (higgs) Bison intent on goring you with the new horns it glued on especially for the job. I love the X-factor. Until it stops showing the mouth-breathing musical bacteria and starts pretending the people are talented. Then I hate it. This is why I prefer Britain's Got Talent, they don't bother with the second bit. They let slightly "special" girls with performing dogs into the final (best bit was when he parents explained how she doesn't have many "human friends"). I like to pretend that they intend the title in an ironic fashion.

I've run out of youtubes, so in lieu of another, here's a premium comment from the youtube posting of the last one. I adore youtube comments, they seem to be inhabited by people who, by rights, should be mentally incapable of operating a computer. Or breathing unaided.

i must admit shes a bit of an ego maniac and her big desplay at the beginin did discredit her quite a lot, however she is very talented and should be credited for heer vocal ability and the fact she has taught the vocalist of one of the best bands in wales how to sing just because she uses sum techniques that arent widely loved doesnt mean she should be discredited for it and catagorised with all the shit singers because of it

Thanks, serpentofmendes! Can spell technique, can't spell her, display, or some. I bet you only feel truly alive when paintballing. I bet you also think that Neighbours is a reality show and that Digimon is a documentary. Bless.

In the words of Gary Glitter, I'm off to trawl the far east for children to mither it's good to be back. Hello, hello, it's good to be back.