1. Wampas - Wampas
Splendid churning French Rockapsychobilly that sounds like a French, billy version of something off Bedtime for Democracy by the Dead Kennedys. Possibly Dear Abby. Or Triumph of the Swill. Fascinating stuff, I'm sure you'll agree.
2. Iron Maiden - Iron Maiden
Second song out and already the software is swinging its balls about the place, strutting and preening for hitting on a s/t theme. This is the sort of behaviour I expected from poncey old sPazTunes (software for people who are scared by software, designed to run on computers for people who think that the colour of the computer is the most important bit. Bunch of fannies), I expected better from you, you little llama-themed piece of orange musicality. Put them away, they're disgusting. Oh, it's the Live after Death version. You'll have to imagine the majestic Dickinson Rock Pointing. Whilst you're about it, place one of Steve Harris' feet on a mental monitor and try your hardest to be wearing a Wet Spam FC football shirt. It'll enhance the experience, trust me. TRUST ME.
3. Faith No More - The Real Thing
Nice segueway, sPazAmp. I still don't want to see your balls, though. I told you to put them away. They're not big, and you're not clever. I think it would have been only fair had The Real Thing recorded a cod-soul song called Faith No More. I initially typed that as Fatih No More and completely changed the theme from slightly off-kilter and thoroughly spunksome rock to a campaign to off the former manager of the Turkish national football team. Unfortunate.
4. Mantronix - Bassline
Slight shift there, Mr. Amp (of the sPaz variety). More electro than hip hop (or even rip rap, as me mum called it the other day, bless), with tinny, squawky "rapping" from MC Tee, former sailor and the only person to ever lose to Rodney O in a rap battle (in my head). Still, if you tune out the LL Cool J-with-rickets vocals, it's still all good. Well, not ALL good. I mean poverty and stuff is still bad. Song is far longer than it has any right to be, if you ask me. Which, theoretically, you did by reading this. Goon.
5. Sin Alley - Money
Storming psycho-inflected rockabilly thunder? Check. Balls out, full on interpretation of a song that widdles all over the original? Check. Reasonably hot lady belting out the words? Check. Unfortunately, it lets itself down with the fact that she sings as if she is trying to make sounds by forcing her adenoids out of the top of her head. Stupid moo.
6. Elton Motello - Sha La La La Lee
A thoroughly unthreatening and largely faithful rendition of the Small Faces original. Punk my arse (that isn't an instruction. Especially not if you happen to be Ashton Fucking Kutcher. Incidentally, I watched him try to act once. It upset me).
7. Mansun - Six
It's a Mansun song. But not one of the good ones. So it sounds quite a lot like all the others, only not as good as the handful of good ones. In summary: not very good, with showers drifting in from the east.
8. Screaming Trees - Transfiguration
From the time in their career where they sounded like Beatles-inflected underground sixties US garage pop (the Beatles-inflected is a bit redundant there, that's what they all sounded like. Better than the Beatles, obviously, and all of them, even the retarded ones, had a better drummer. Fuck off, Ringo, you're shit). Which means it is before the time when Mark Lanegan obtained a voice like liquid, singing sex - the kind of liquid, singing sex that smokes forty a day and gargles with Bulleit bourbon. So before the drugs, basically.
9. The Cynics - I Don't Need You
Averagely fun revivalist garage dudes. Not their best, but still ten miles better than the Mansun effort (and, thankfully, about a quarter of the length. Who told Mansun they could make eight minute long songs? Certainly wasn't me).
10. Jethro Tull - Too Old To Rock'n'Roll, Too Young To Die
I'm neither. I'm thirty-six.
11. Nick Cave & The Sad Sheeps - The Moon is in the Gutter
It's not Nick. That's your arse. Pull yourself together, man. Vaguely Roxy-esque, circa For Your Pleasure, with added Tom Waits aping. Very good, mind - three gazillion times better than he's been for about a decade (Abbatoir Blues excepted). You can fuck off with your Grinderman, it was shit. FACT. END OF. SIMPLE AS. Oh yes.
12. Divine Comedy - Becoming More Like Alfie
The pinnacle of Neil's career. Splendid, mellifluous, tunesome without question. And also slapbang in the middle of my car-a-oke singing range, which is lucky for them. Why couldn't he make more songs (or even albums) like this one? The twat.
13. Sailor - Girls, Girls, Girls
It's no "Glass of Champagne", but it'll do. Thanks, Sailor. Thailor.
14. Furniture - The Sound of the Bell
One of the finest songs ever fashioned into a form acceptable to the human ear, and a clear indication of just how often Pulp listened to Furniture and just why they should probably pay them some royalties for a number of songs. Honestly, it's a musical item of grandeur from start to finish. Belle & Sebastian should probably pay them, too. But then, they're massive musical
15. Andy Williams - Spooky
Not as good as the Lesbotic Panda's version, but still a quality slice of lounge. Andy even manages to sound a little sleazy (and disturbingly like Georgie Fame at times). For some reason, the Lesbotic Panda version reminds me strongly of sad times spent in a draughty Crumpsall flat with someone who deserved better. Something to do with the Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels soundtrack, I think. Hmmmn.
16. Muse - Plug-in Baby
Ah, when Muse used to be good. And shamelessly steal royalty-free classical music. I wish Muse were still this good, I love a good wildly over-the-top, massively melodramatic rock beast, I do.
17. Servotron - Rocketdog
If it turns out to be Servotron by Rocketdog, I don't care. It's pleasant garagey punky stuff, with a hint of B52s. And a bit of random electro. And it's from an Estrus benefit album for when their warehouse burnt down, which makes it essential buying (well, not now - it's deleted and they get practically no benefit from you buying it on ebay. For practically read entirely).
18. The Novas - The Crusher
I knew someone who used to sing this in the shower. TBF be fair, it is a fine shower-singing song. Aw.
19. ODB - Baby C'mon
RIP in peace, ODB dirty bastard. A curious kind of possibly retarded genius, with a unique flow without equal or compare. A nutter, but one of the good ones.
20. McCain/Obama debate
I had to turn the musics off, soz. I've got a tenner on a McCain coronary. Here's hoping!
BYE!
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