It's a satanic Most Haunted thing, you wouldn't understand. There is a missing sPazAmp, and this post is here by way of apology and, perhaps, explanation. See, it was all to commemorate the passing (in a football sense, he's not dead or anything) of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer - the man, the myth, the legend, the baby faced assassin, the pretty darn good United striker from Norway. It wasn't that funny, and had pretty much all the same songs on as all the other ones. But it was my little pointless way of commemorating the glorious playing career of one of our most faithful servants. Cheers OGP, you had a shuffle, and it isn't on here. Soz, chief. Back shortly with some further pointless ramblings.
Bye!
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Friday, 15 February 2008
You are in a comfortable tunnel-like hall, YOU DROKKING LAWBREAKER
Y/N?
---
The key's in the chest, you onion! Quick, or you'll be stuck in that stupid hall forever, becoming increasingly frustrated and trying to put Thorin in the chest for kicks!
You find yourself gripped by an urge to reveal the paucity of racy adventure and edge-of-the-seat thrillsomeness in your life by doing yet another sPazAmp on a Saturday night. What is more, you are gripped by this strange and debilitating urge whilst listening to "Coward of the County" by Kenny Rogers. What will you do? If you wish to sPazAmp with this as the first song, turn to page 803. If you wish to sPazAmp without including the nefariously bearded perverse musical pleasure, turn to page 2. If you wish to do neither, set fire to book. And then yourself. If you don't wish to do the things he done, if you wish to walk away from trouble if you can, if you don't think it's means you're weak if you turn the other cheek, please ring Kenny for advice and a hug.
Turn to page 2.
1. Wu-Tang Clan - Rules
You find yourself in a cave, unsurprisingly. By means of some rude grafitti on the cave wall, you discover the perils of turning the other cheek to Kenny Rogers. It sends a shiver through your carefully trimmed silvery beard. If you wish to rethink your actions and ring Kenny for some special beardy fun, turn to appendix XI. If you wish to fight a dragon to put all that time you spent cheating to get good STR and STA to good use (and yet ultimately be devoured, bringing the adventure to a premature and grisly end), then turn to page YOURESTUPID. If you wish to eat the dice, consult a psychiatrist. If you have already eaten the dice, consult a physician. If y'all know the rules, and don't fuck with fools, then turn to page 40oz. If you're bored of reading this page, turn to another page. If you think that the vast majority of possible "turn to page" jokes have been used in this, the first entry, then turn to page WHATDOYOUWANTAFUCKINGMEDAL EINSTEIN. If you wish to continue your daring adventure into sPazAmpLand, with stout heart and girded loins, turn to page 3. If you have accidentally girded some lions, then please contact Animal Hospital's Rolf Harris, and a welder.
Turn to page 3.
2. Devo - Girl U Want
Look, if you wanted to read things in sequentially numbered order, you should have bought a regular book you peanut. It's an adventure! Possibly taking place in Firetop Mountain, which is in no way a sign of Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone stealing from J.R.R. Tolkein! Show some backbone, man! Try the path less trodden (not in the Kenny Rogers special beard fun way)! If you have grown a spine and a fine, bouncing pair of balls, turn to page eight gillion and listen to the next song whilst stabbing a chimaera, juggling flaming chainsaws and having illicit congress with a squid. If you have suddenly become a cementhead, then stop reading, denounce the quirky majesty of Devo, burn your computer, and start listening to th'Arctic t'Monkeys. If you are still a eunuch with jellified vertebrae, turn to page 4 and have some crumpets with Anne Diamond.
Turn to page eight gillion.
3. NoMeansNo - Phone Call
That's more like it. On both the musical and cojones-sprouting fronts. You are confronted by a bunch of tremendously wonderful Canadians, probably in a cave still, playing thunderously wonderful, slightly terrifying, marginally math-rock music at you. Roll against willpower. Fail, and you will be trapped listening to nothing else but their polar bear worrying, mountie-endorsed grandeur forever. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it will make for a slightly repetitive sPazAmpVenture. Survive, and turn to page NEXT.
Roll dice *3* Get in! Turn to page NEXT.
4. Cinerama - Your Charms
You turn to page next. You are somewhere else. Something else is happening. Choose between one thing and another thing. Get it wrong and something a bit bad might happen to you. Get it right, and something a bit less bad might happen to you, but it might ultimately lead to a more difficult choice of things and then death on spikes. The choice, as our Graham off of television's Blind Date says, is yours.
This book is a bit rubbish. I've seen more effort put in to editions of Woman's Own, and possibly Bella.
A large rock falls on your head. You pick up the rock and inspect it. It is carved with strange, eldritch runic symbols. Luckily, you can read strange eldritch runicese. You translate. It reads "watch it, you tart". If you wish to watch it, you tart, then turn to page watchityoutart. If you do not wish to watch it, you tart, then turn to page certaindeathbyspikesyoutart.
And just how are you doing that? You're meant to be a book. The responses can't be tailored to things I say in my head. Or out loud. Or on the internets. That's just stupid. You're stupid. Stupid, just stupid. Like the insurance costs in that advert.
You marvel at the strange coincidence of the entries in the fighting fantasy book The WarAmp of FireSpaz Mountain appearing as though they are direct responses to your own musings. You also toy with scrawling "I AM A MASSIVE HOMBO" on your own forehead in permanent marker. However, you think better of this ludicrous idea and decide to mend your ways and not question my bookly wisdom again. The pleasant strains of another of Gedge's paeans to adulterous fornication fade, leaving you with a choice. If you wish to pull the lever that I have hitherto failed to mention, turn to page -6. If you do not wish to pull the lever, don't. No skin off my nose, squire.
Turn to page -6.
5. Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Review
You pull the lever. A bunch of ugly scousers sing at you. It is a not unpleasant experience. If you close your eyes, that is. And try desperately to block out the stench of roasting rat. Musically rejuvenated, yet slightly tainted by the miasma of the Kingdom of Scouse and possessed of a perturbing urge to hold a minute's silence, you gain +3 musical happiness and incur a -2 penalty to personal hygiene. You turn to page 35, whether you like it or not.
6. Chingon - Alacran y Pistolero
You fall into a massive pit filled with spikes, and rather understandably die. Only kidding! Have a French Fancy and a sit down. In front of you is one of them forens, singing in forens whilst wearing a massive sombrero. It's really quite lovely, even if you have great difficulty understanding what he is warbling about (you skipped Proper Forens to take extra strange, eldritch runicese lessons, you onion). The forens finishes his song and gives you a pair of quite awesome cowboy boots with a really ace pattern on them. It is fair to say that you are totally stoked. You gain a +10 MASSIVE SEXINESS bonus. If you wish to strut about the place, turn to page gimp and incur a massive slap about the chops penalty. If you wish to slink forward into the mountain with an air of inscrutable appeal and louche rum addiction, then have a drink on me, gorgeous. And turn to page 94.
Turn to pagegimp 94.
7. Tom Jones - (I Ain't No) One Night Only Love Maker
Crossing outs or no crossing outs, I can only accept your first answer. And thus you have strutted to a room made entirely from tough, orange leather. You find, to your mild dismay (and hidden, secret pleasure), that you fit right in. You gain +5 to leather garments, chest hair and medallions, +800 to orange hue and skin thickness. Your belt buckle nearly causes you to fall over, such is its weight in pure gold, you are saved only by the +50 you have also gained to hip-power. You feel compelled to turn page 3, to ogle breasts and listen to My Life Story.
8. My Life Story - Strumpet
Your leathery orange glow fades, to be replaced by a faintly irritating voice, the occasional good tune and an overblown and misplaced sense of your own musicality. If, for the good of all musickind, you wish to end it now, turn to page painlessdeathbyinjection. If you can't bring yourself to do it because, when push comes to shove, you shove yourself in the direction of actually quite liking several of the songs, turn to page hangyourheadinshameyoutart.
Turn to page thingy, not the death one.
9. Chris Farlowe- Yesterday's Papers
You find yourself confronted by the world's pre-eminent collector of Nazi memorabilia and possessor of a fucking fine voice, asking you who wants yesterday's papers. If you wish to answer that you understand the slightly misogynistic rhetorical question he is posing, turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY! If you wish to answer "chip shops, Chris. Chip shops", then turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY!one.
Turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY!one, but keep thumb on previous page in case something a bit bad happens, and I decide I'd rather do the other thing.
10. Church of Misery - Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll
You have been found guilty of gross, reprehensible bookcheating. You fall into a pit of spikes and, quite understandably die. No French Fancy for you this time, kiddo. At least, as you meet your maker in a compromising impalement scenario, you get to listen to a really fucking fantastic song that every one with even the most passing acquaintance with THE RIFF should listen to and adore. Even if they are otherwise cementheaded. Now, back to your pit-shaped spike-filled DOOM, motherblubber!
Do you wish to play again Y/N?
Y
I'm a book. Not a game. You are not the WarAmp of FireSpaz Mountain. Now fuck off.
---
The key's in the chest, you onion! Quick, or you'll be stuck in that stupid hall forever, becoming increasingly frustrated and trying to put Thorin in the chest for kicks!
You find yourself gripped by an urge to reveal the paucity of racy adventure and edge-of-the-seat thrillsomeness in your life by doing yet another sPazAmp on a Saturday night. What is more, you are gripped by this strange and debilitating urge whilst listening to "Coward of the County" by Kenny Rogers. What will you do? If you wish to sPazAmp with this as the first song, turn to page 803. If you wish to sPazAmp without including the nefariously bearded perverse musical pleasure, turn to page 2. If you wish to do neither, set fire to book. And then yourself. If you don't wish to do the things he done, if you wish to walk away from trouble if you can, if you don't think it's means you're weak if you turn the other cheek, please ring Kenny for advice and a hug.
Turn to page 2.
1. Wu-Tang Clan - Rules
You find yourself in a cave, unsurprisingly. By means of some rude grafitti on the cave wall, you discover the perils of turning the other cheek to Kenny Rogers. It sends a shiver through your carefully trimmed silvery beard. If you wish to rethink your actions and ring Kenny for some special beardy fun, turn to appendix XI. If you wish to fight a dragon to put all that time you spent cheating to get good STR and STA to good use (and yet ultimately be devoured, bringing the adventure to a premature and grisly end), then turn to page YOURESTUPID. If you wish to eat the dice, consult a psychiatrist. If you have already eaten the dice, consult a physician. If y'all know the rules, and don't fuck with fools, then turn to page 40oz. If you're bored of reading this page, turn to another page. If you think that the vast majority of possible "turn to page" jokes have been used in this, the first entry, then turn to page WHATDOYOUWANTAFUCKINGMEDAL EINSTEIN. If you wish to continue your daring adventure into sPazAmpLand, with stout heart and girded loins, turn to page 3. If you have accidentally girded some lions, then please contact Animal Hospital's Rolf Harris, and a welder.
Turn to page 3.
2. Devo - Girl U Want
Look, if you wanted to read things in sequentially numbered order, you should have bought a regular book you peanut. It's an adventure! Possibly taking place in Firetop Mountain, which is in no way a sign of Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone stealing from J.R.R. Tolkein! Show some backbone, man! Try the path less trodden (not in the Kenny Rogers special beard fun way)! If you have grown a spine and a fine, bouncing pair of balls, turn to page eight gillion and listen to the next song whilst stabbing a chimaera, juggling flaming chainsaws and having illicit congress with a squid. If you have suddenly become a cementhead, then stop reading, denounce the quirky majesty of Devo, burn your computer, and start listening to th'Arctic t'Monkeys. If you are still a eunuch with jellified vertebrae, turn to page 4 and have some crumpets with Anne Diamond.
Turn to page eight gillion.
3. NoMeansNo - Phone Call
That's more like it. On both the musical and cojones-sprouting fronts. You are confronted by a bunch of tremendously wonderful Canadians, probably in a cave still, playing thunderously wonderful, slightly terrifying, marginally math-rock music at you. Roll against willpower. Fail, and you will be trapped listening to nothing else but their polar bear worrying, mountie-endorsed grandeur forever. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it will make for a slightly repetitive sPazAmpVenture. Survive, and turn to page NEXT.
Roll dice *3* Get in! Turn to page NEXT.
4. Cinerama - Your Charms
You turn to page next. You are somewhere else. Something else is happening. Choose between one thing and another thing. Get it wrong and something a bit bad might happen to you. Get it right, and something a bit less bad might happen to you, but it might ultimately lead to a more difficult choice of things and then death on spikes. The choice, as our Graham off of television's Blind Date says, is yours.
This book is a bit rubbish. I've seen more effort put in to editions of Woman's Own, and possibly Bella.
A large rock falls on your head. You pick up the rock and inspect it. It is carved with strange, eldritch runic symbols. Luckily, you can read strange eldritch runicese. You translate. It reads "watch it, you tart". If you wish to watch it, you tart, then turn to page watchityoutart. If you do not wish to watch it, you tart, then turn to page certaindeathbyspikesyoutart.
And just how are you doing that? You're meant to be a book. The responses can't be tailored to things I say in my head. Or out loud. Or on the internets. That's just stupid. You're stupid. Stupid, just stupid. Like the insurance costs in that advert.
You marvel at the strange coincidence of the entries in the fighting fantasy book The WarAmp of FireSpaz Mountain appearing as though they are direct responses to your own musings. You also toy with scrawling "I AM A MASSIVE HOMBO" on your own forehead in permanent marker. However, you think better of this ludicrous idea and decide to mend your ways and not question my bookly wisdom again. The pleasant strains of another of Gedge's paeans to adulterous fornication fade, leaving you with a choice. If you wish to pull the lever that I have hitherto failed to mention, turn to page -6. If you do not wish to pull the lever, don't. No skin off my nose, squire.
Turn to page -6.
5. Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Review
You pull the lever. A bunch of ugly scousers sing at you. It is a not unpleasant experience. If you close your eyes, that is. And try desperately to block out the stench of roasting rat. Musically rejuvenated, yet slightly tainted by the miasma of the Kingdom of Scouse and possessed of a perturbing urge to hold a minute's silence, you gain +3 musical happiness and incur a -2 penalty to personal hygiene. You turn to page 35, whether you like it or not.
6. Chingon - Alacran y Pistolero
You fall into a massive pit filled with spikes, and rather understandably die. Only kidding! Have a French Fancy and a sit down. In front of you is one of them forens, singing in forens whilst wearing a massive sombrero. It's really quite lovely, even if you have great difficulty understanding what he is warbling about (you skipped Proper Forens to take extra strange, eldritch runicese lessons, you onion). The forens finishes his song and gives you a pair of quite awesome cowboy boots with a really ace pattern on them. It is fair to say that you are totally stoked. You gain a +10 MASSIVE SEXINESS bonus. If you wish to strut about the place, turn to page gimp and incur a massive slap about the chops penalty. If you wish to slink forward into the mountain with an air of inscrutable appeal and louche rum addiction, then have a drink on me, gorgeous. And turn to page 94.
Turn to page
7. Tom Jones - (I Ain't No) One Night Only Love Maker
Crossing outs or no crossing outs, I can only accept your first answer. And thus you have strutted to a room made entirely from tough, orange leather. You find, to your mild dismay (and hidden, secret pleasure), that you fit right in. You gain +5 to leather garments, chest hair and medallions, +800 to orange hue and skin thickness. Your belt buckle nearly causes you to fall over, such is its weight in pure gold, you are saved only by the +50 you have also gained to hip-power. You feel compelled to turn page 3, to ogle breasts and listen to My Life Story.
8. My Life Story - Strumpet
Your leathery orange glow fades, to be replaced by a faintly irritating voice, the occasional good tune and an overblown and misplaced sense of your own musicality. If, for the good of all musickind, you wish to end it now, turn to page painlessdeathbyinjection. If you can't bring yourself to do it because, when push comes to shove, you shove yourself in the direction of actually quite liking several of the songs, turn to page hangyourheadinshameyoutart.
Turn to page thingy, not the death one.
9. Chris Farlowe- Yesterday's Papers
You find yourself confronted by the world's pre-eminent collector of Nazi memorabilia and possessor of a fucking fine voice, asking you who wants yesterday's papers. If you wish to answer that you understand the slightly misogynistic rhetorical question he is posing, turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY! If you wish to answer "chip shops, Chris. Chip shops", then turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY!one.
Turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY!one, but keep thumb on previous page in case something a bit bad happens, and I decide I'd rather do the other thing.
10. Church of Misery - Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll
You have been found guilty of gross, reprehensible bookcheating. You fall into a pit of spikes and, quite understandably die. No French Fancy for you this time, kiddo. At least, as you meet your maker in a compromising impalement scenario, you get to listen to a really fucking fantastic song that every one with even the most passing acquaintance with THE RIFF should listen to and adore. Even if they are otherwise cementheaded. Now, back to your pit-shaped spike-filled DOOM, motherblubber!
Do you wish to play again Y/N?
Y
I'm a book. Not a game. You are not the WarAmp of FireSpaz Mountain. Now fuck off.
GAZE INTO THE FIST OF DREDD!
I ran out of Dredd swears. Soz.
---
Indeed.
Come with now, on a journey throughtime and space the mysterious outer reaches of the musical world, a world inhabited by, well, music. But weird music, the likes of which you have never seen heard before. Unless you have, of course. Oh, and orcs. There might be orcs. But mainly the musics.
1. Blancmange - Wasted
Blancmange should never be wasted. It's tasty goodness should be consumed, savoured, digested and ultimately squeezed out again. What's Blancmange made of? Is it actually organic, or is it just an agglomeration of fluffy pink chemicals? Who cares when it tastes so good! Lovely song, incidentally. Poor, overlooked Blancmange (both band and tasty agglomeration of fluffy pink chemicals).
2. Tom Jones - You Can't Stop Love
Tom puts his rape-threat hat on. And warbles a pleasant, but hardly outstanding little tune whilst he's about it. Orange leather, isn't it.
3. Can - Up The Bakerloo Line With Anne
It's Can, and therefore spunktastic. I could explain why, I could, but then I'd have to knock marks off for musical ignorance. And no one wants that now, do they? DO THEY? Thought not. It's also nearly twenty minutes long, so I shall be back later.
4. Nirvana - Mr. Moustache
That would be a stupid name. I mean, even if he had a moustache, how would his parents have known? That's pressure, that is. Pressure to conform and ultimately grow a moustache (as opposed to growing the ultimate moustache, which would be an entirely different proposition). Imagine if the poor chap had been Amish. Oh, the confusion.
5. EPMD - Strictly Business
Ah, the first golden age of hip hop. Stupid copyright laws, messing with the Scary Rap Dudes. The very definition of quality (well, it's not. Not strictly speaking. Don't use it in an essay or anything).
6. Green Day - Jesus of Suburbia
Poor chap. Nailed to some decking near a water feature. TUNE!
7. The Four Tops - Walk Away, Renee
So much better than the other version it hurts. Owned in the FACE, Left Banke.
8. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Black Tongue
Absolutely fine, just so long as you pay little to no attention to the actual words being sung. That just ruins it.
9. David Essex - Oh! What a Circus
Oh! What a show. And Oh! What a song. Stop looking at me like that.
10. The Minus 5 - Courage is the Smallest Bird
I think you'll find it's actually one of the hummingbirds, dude.
11. The Sweet - Wig Wam Bam
Sex in a tent!
12. Jethro Tull - Reasons for Waiting
Catching a bus, being served in a supermarket, taking food to the customers - hang on, this isn't Family Fortunes at all!
13. The Drifters - Under the Boardwalk
They're no Bruce Willis. He did this AND wrestled a plane.
14. Vanilla Fudge - The Sky Cried When I Was a Boy
That was rain, you spacker.
15. Tenpole Tudor - Swords of a Thousand Men
Bloody great. Wunderbar, even. No, hang on, that was the other song.
16. Turtles - Happy Together
They're no Jason Donovan. He did this ANDwrestled a plane wore eight inches of make up.
17. Muse - Muscle Museum
It might be one of the few really good Muse songs but come on - how shit would that museum be?
18. Public Enemy - Terminator X Speaks with his Hands
What is he, a bloody puppeteer?
19. Satan's Pilgrims - Ben Tanaka
There's a man in my office whose name is very reminiscent of Hakuna Matata. I accidentally said "no worries!" to him this morning.
20. Chris Farlowe - Ride on Baby
You'll squash it, you mental pervert! Bet you got that sort of attitude from Chris Langham. Shocking.
Yes. Well. There you have it. No orcs, some musics. And gallons of fun!
BYE.
---
Indeed.
Come with now, on a journey through
1. Blancmange - Wasted
Blancmange should never be wasted. It's tasty goodness should be consumed, savoured, digested and ultimately squeezed out again. What's Blancmange made of? Is it actually organic, or is it just an agglomeration of fluffy pink chemicals? Who cares when it tastes so good! Lovely song, incidentally. Poor, overlooked Blancmange (both band and tasty agglomeration of fluffy pink chemicals).
2. Tom Jones - You Can't Stop Love
Tom puts his rape-threat hat on. And warbles a pleasant, but hardly outstanding little tune whilst he's about it. Orange leather, isn't it.
3. Can - Up The Bakerloo Line With Anne
It's Can, and therefore spunktastic. I could explain why, I could, but then I'd have to knock marks off for musical ignorance. And no one wants that now, do they? DO THEY? Thought not. It's also nearly twenty minutes long, so I shall be back later.
4. Nirvana - Mr. Moustache
That would be a stupid name. I mean, even if he had a moustache, how would his parents have known? That's pressure, that is. Pressure to conform and ultimately grow a moustache (as opposed to growing the ultimate moustache, which would be an entirely different proposition). Imagine if the poor chap had been Amish. Oh, the confusion.
5. EPMD - Strictly Business
Ah, the first golden age of hip hop. Stupid copyright laws, messing with the Scary Rap Dudes. The very definition of quality (well, it's not. Not strictly speaking. Don't use it in an essay or anything).
6. Green Day - Jesus of Suburbia
Poor chap. Nailed to some decking near a water feature. TUNE!
7. The Four Tops - Walk Away, Renee
So much better than the other version it hurts. Owned in the FACE, Left Banke.
8. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Black Tongue
Absolutely fine, just so long as you pay little to no attention to the actual words being sung. That just ruins it.
9. David Essex - Oh! What a Circus
Oh! What a show. And Oh! What a song. Stop looking at me like that.
10. The Minus 5 - Courage is the Smallest Bird
I think you'll find it's actually one of the hummingbirds, dude.
11. The Sweet - Wig Wam Bam
Sex in a tent!
12. Jethro Tull - Reasons for Waiting
Catching a bus, being served in a supermarket, taking food to the customers - hang on, this isn't Family Fortunes at all!
13. The Drifters - Under the Boardwalk
They're no Bruce Willis. He did this AND wrestled a plane.
14. Vanilla Fudge - The Sky Cried When I Was a Boy
That was rain, you spacker.
15. Tenpole Tudor - Swords of a Thousand Men
Bloody great. Wunderbar, even. No, hang on, that was the other song.
16. Turtles - Happy Together
They're no Jason Donovan. He did this AND
17. Muse - Muscle Museum
It might be one of the few really good Muse songs but come on - how shit would that museum be?
18. Public Enemy - Terminator X Speaks with his Hands
What is he, a bloody puppeteer?
19. Satan's Pilgrims - Ben Tanaka
There's a man in my office whose name is very reminiscent of Hakuna Matata. I accidentally said "no worries!" to him this morning.
20. Chris Farlowe - Ride on Baby
You'll squash it, you mental pervert! Bet you got that sort of attitude from Chris Langham. Shocking.
Yes. Well. There you have it. No orcs, some musics. And gallons of fun!
BYE.
GRUDD!!!
I've just eaten a curry!
---
Quite.
Blah blah blah mumble sPazAmp blah blah bleurgh shuffle do de doo dooo mumble cementheads.
1. Jello Biafra & Mojo Nixon (and probably some Toadliquors) - Hamlet Chicken Plant Disaster
Featuring no Jello Biafra at all. Unless he's making a weird, barely discernible noise in the background, or something. Still, much as I do love a bit of Jello, the better songs on the album are the ones where he isn't there. Mojo don't need no collaborations to be brilliant. Well, maybe Skid Roper. And possibly the toadliquors. And Jello Biafra sometimes. Okay, so maybe he does. Sometimes. But not at others. I'm going to stop now, because the fence is digging into my buttocks. That might be a euphemism. For bumming.
2. The Dicks Hate the Police
They do, you know. Really hate them. Absolutely can't stick them. Which may also be a euphemism. For bumming. However, the really sad aspect of this whole affair is not the bumming euphemism, it's the fact that they didn't manage to record anything that came within a million miles of being as good as this. They tried, they failed. Like Michael Barrymore trying to escape his past.
3. Melvins - Leeech
Reeeally spleeendid. I like the Melvins, did you know? I don't think I've ever really mentioned it before. And, reading back over this entry, I don't think I can find a single thing that could be construed as a euphemism for bumming. Which, I'm sure you will all agree, is a shame. Poor, stillborn running joke. How we mourn thee.
4. The Electric Prunes - Mujo 22
The start of this sounds exactly like something Rudi Vandersario and Spider Dijon might record. In fact, most of the song could have been spawned by the infamous bongo brothers. Which is amusing if that means anything to you, and isn't worth finding out if it doesn't (mainly because the song is a bit like Josh Hartnett's acting skills. That is, painful, tragic and cursed with an incredibly square head.
5. Lee Dresser & the Krazy Kats - Beat Out My Love
Not so much a euphemism for furious fapping as a direct, matter of fact musical showcase of it. Which, if you think about the sentence for a fraction too long, sounds really disgusting and bizarre. Still, it's really good in its own inimitable 50s twisted rock'n'roll way.
6. Jean-Jacques Perrey - 18th Century Puppet
Biting historical comment on the political situation in Europe in a time of stirring unrest and social upheaval, or a plinkly plonkly early electronic oddity? You decide.
7. The Littlest Hobo Theme
Elton John is naming his next tour after this, and only changing one letter. Although why he would want to call his tour "the littlest hrbo tour" I have no idea.
8. Muse - Hoodoo
Piss off you overearnest, overblown, over-egger-of-puddings midget tosspot. I like two entire songs, one entire half of another and, if I'm lucky, a little ten second snatch here and there. Although the last part is more to do with my Tom Sizemore-esque prostitute addiction than it is to do with Muse. He's forever pestering me to trade videos, you know. The big pervert.
9. MC5 - Rocket Reducer No. 62 (Rama Lama Fa Fa Fa)
How? I mean, just how? How do you make one stonkingly, ball-cuppingly wondrous album and then manage to do very little but rather strained averageness all around it? I don't actually want any answers or sensible comments regarding band troubles, this being a live album or any other nonsense. I just wanted some easy to type waffle with which to fill this entry, and pointing out that this album is leagues ahead of anything else they (or indeed most other people) ever managed seemed as good a bet as anything. I may as well have typed a small treatise on the relative attractiveness of cod when compared to other edible sea creatures for all the good this has done. And it seems to have taken me nearly six minutes. Bah.
10. Terry and the Blue Jeans - Misirlou
They're Japanese. Which is of absolutely no relevance. Or perhaps even less than that. I think I'm just unconsciously trying to justify having eight bajillion versions of Misirlou. All of which I love. In a bumming way.
11. Jose Feliciano - Tu Me Haces Falta
I no haces your falta. I gave it you back. You just can't find it.
12. Jose Feliciano - Miss Otis Regrets
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS RANDOM ABOUT THAT, PLEASE?
13. Isaac Hayes - (they long to be) Close to You
It's because they want to bum your big scientologist bum, Ike. And how!
14. Andy Williams - Can't Get Used to Losing You
You better try, bucko. I ain't coming back to your wrinkly, crooning bumface. I love this song (and several other Andy Williams songs).
15. Ricky Martin - Por Arriba, Por Abajo
Haven't a clue what he's on about, he looks like he has down's, he's grown a seriously ill-advised beard, but I love him.
16. Masta Killa - D.T.D. (feat. a whole bunch of people)
My joint second favourite solo Wu-Tang (first being GZA, first and a half being ODB and the rest being more or less all the rest of them equally).
17. Killah Priest - If You Don't Know
Jostling for postion with the aforementioned Mr. Killa in the slightly second tier of solo Wu-Tangers (a little behind U God, but slightly ahead of Redman. Mainly because he hasn't suffered from delusions of acting, and Heavy Mental is a better album than Whut? Thee annoyingly titled album!?!?)
18. R.E.M. - Get Up
...and turn the fucking stereo off. R.E.M. in tedious wankboremode. Which, to be fair, is the mode they are in most of the time, and blablabla.
19. Col. Abrams vs. Eurhythmics - Trapped Dreams
Wish it was just the Col. Abrams song instead of a mix. I love that song so hard. So hard it HURTS (the song that is, not me. It doesn't hurt me).
20. Revolting Cocks - Razor's Edge
Should any cementheads want an easy avenue into the splendid world of the massive end of semi-industrial lunacy that is the Revolting Cocks (it could be a euphemism for bumming. Or the most laboriously worded advert in a phonebox ever), then this is the song for you. And should any cementheads want a rewarding avenue into enormous throbbing basslines and frankly obscene, yet understated riffs (with added sleaze vox), then they should probably call a very specialised musical sexline. Either way, this song is motherblubbingly fantastic. Oh yes.
Bye!
---
Quite.
Blah blah blah mumble sPazAmp blah blah bleurgh shuffle do de doo dooo mumble cementheads.
1. Jello Biafra & Mojo Nixon (and probably some Toadliquors) - Hamlet Chicken Plant Disaster
Featuring no Jello Biafra at all. Unless he's making a weird, barely discernible noise in the background, or something. Still, much as I do love a bit of Jello, the better songs on the album are the ones where he isn't there. Mojo don't need no collaborations to be brilliant. Well, maybe Skid Roper. And possibly the toadliquors. And Jello Biafra sometimes. Okay, so maybe he does. Sometimes. But not at others. I'm going to stop now, because the fence is digging into my buttocks. That might be a euphemism. For bumming.
2. The Dicks Hate the Police
They do, you know. Really hate them. Absolutely can't stick them. Which may also be a euphemism. For bumming. However, the really sad aspect of this whole affair is not the bumming euphemism, it's the fact that they didn't manage to record anything that came within a million miles of being as good as this. They tried, they failed. Like Michael Barrymore trying to escape his past.
3. Melvins - Leeech
Reeeally spleeendid. I like the Melvins, did you know? I don't think I've ever really mentioned it before. And, reading back over this entry, I don't think I can find a single thing that could be construed as a euphemism for bumming. Which, I'm sure you will all agree, is a shame. Poor, stillborn running joke. How we mourn thee.
4. The Electric Prunes - Mujo 22
The start of this sounds exactly like something Rudi Vandersario and Spider Dijon might record. In fact, most of the song could have been spawned by the infamous bongo brothers. Which is amusing if that means anything to you, and isn't worth finding out if it doesn't (mainly because the song is a bit like Josh Hartnett's acting skills. That is, painful, tragic and cursed with an incredibly square head.
5. Lee Dresser & the Krazy Kats - Beat Out My Love
Not so much a euphemism for furious fapping as a direct, matter of fact musical showcase of it. Which, if you think about the sentence for a fraction too long, sounds really disgusting and bizarre. Still, it's really good in its own inimitable 50s twisted rock'n'roll way.
6. Jean-Jacques Perrey - 18th Century Puppet
Biting historical comment on the political situation in Europe in a time of stirring unrest and social upheaval, or a plinkly plonkly early electronic oddity? You decide.
7. The Littlest Hobo Theme
Elton John is naming his next tour after this, and only changing one letter. Although why he would want to call his tour "the littlest hrbo tour" I have no idea.
8. Muse - Hoodoo
Piss off you overearnest, overblown, over-egger-of-puddings midget tosspot. I like two entire songs, one entire half of another and, if I'm lucky, a little ten second snatch here and there. Although the last part is more to do with my Tom Sizemore-esque prostitute addiction than it is to do with Muse. He's forever pestering me to trade videos, you know. The big pervert.
9. MC5 - Rocket Reducer No. 62 (Rama Lama Fa Fa Fa)
How? I mean, just how? How do you make one stonkingly, ball-cuppingly wondrous album and then manage to do very little but rather strained averageness all around it? I don't actually want any answers or sensible comments regarding band troubles, this being a live album or any other nonsense. I just wanted some easy to type waffle with which to fill this entry, and pointing out that this album is leagues ahead of anything else they (or indeed most other people) ever managed seemed as good a bet as anything. I may as well have typed a small treatise on the relative attractiveness of cod when compared to other edible sea creatures for all the good this has done. And it seems to have taken me nearly six minutes. Bah.
10. Terry and the Blue Jeans - Misirlou
They're Japanese. Which is of absolutely no relevance. Or perhaps even less than that. I think I'm just unconsciously trying to justify having eight bajillion versions of Misirlou. All of which I love. In a bumming way.
11. Jose Feliciano - Tu Me Haces Falta
I no haces your falta. I gave it you back. You just can't find it.
12. Jose Feliciano - Miss Otis Regrets
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS RANDOM ABOUT THAT, PLEASE?
13. Isaac Hayes - (they long to be) Close to You
It's because they want to bum your big scientologist bum, Ike. And how!
14. Andy Williams - Can't Get Used to Losing You
You better try, bucko. I ain't coming back to your wrinkly, crooning bumface. I love this song (and several other Andy Williams songs).
15. Ricky Martin - Por Arriba, Por Abajo
Haven't a clue what he's on about, he looks like he has down's, he's grown a seriously ill-advised beard, but I love him.
16. Masta Killa - D.T.D. (feat. a whole bunch of people)
My joint second favourite solo Wu-Tang (first being GZA, first and a half being ODB and the rest being more or less all the rest of them equally).
17. Killah Priest - If You Don't Know
Jostling for postion with the aforementioned Mr. Killa in the slightly second tier of solo Wu-Tangers (a little behind U God, but slightly ahead of Redman. Mainly because he hasn't suffered from delusions of acting, and Heavy Mental is a better album than Whut? Thee annoyingly titled album!?!?)
18. R.E.M. - Get Up
...and turn the fucking stereo off. R.E.M. in tedious wankboremode. Which, to be fair, is the mode they are in most of the time, and blablabla.
19. Col. Abrams vs. Eurhythmics - Trapped Dreams
Wish it was just the Col. Abrams song instead of a mix. I love that song so hard. So hard it HURTS (the song that is, not me. It doesn't hurt me).
20. Revolting Cocks - Razor's Edge
Should any cementheads want an easy avenue into the splendid world of the massive end of semi-industrial lunacy that is the Revolting Cocks (it could be a euphemism for bumming. Or the most laboriously worded advert in a phonebox ever), then this is the song for you. And should any cementheads want a rewarding avenue into enormous throbbing basslines and frankly obscene, yet understated riffs (with added sleaze vox), then they should probably call a very specialised musical sexline. Either way, this song is motherblubbingly fantastic. Oh yes.
Bye!
BY STOMM!
The sPazAmp has a top-fives gimmick! Sweet toasty Moses!
---
Bring the pain, motherblubbers. The sPazAmp is back, and its about to attack. In a sense, at least. That sense being one of total falsehood. I've finished marking, and to celebrate I shall force myself to listen to something other than things conducive to marking (Boris is good for that. It helps not being able to understand the words, less of a distraction. Tubular Bells eight times in a row was just foolhardy, though. Subliminal urges to type "a now, two slightly DISTORTED guitars!" into the annotations).
ANYHOO, I shall have to go and chastise myself for typing "anyhoo" (I'll have to do it twice, now), and then I shall be right back, walking the walk and typing the type. Only you won't really notice, because me typing this is not a realtime affair. Ha. OWNED IN THE FACE, CEMENTHEADS.
Right. And off we go.
1. Peep Durple - Pictures of Home
Classic, typical even, Purps. It goes: The whole song, then guitar bit, then bass bit, then Jon "Gandalf" Lord's patented organ-sounding-like-guitar bit, then reprise, then fade out. Ian Gillan has a grand voice. Shame he's such a twat. Graham Bonnett had a belting voice as well. He was a right old twat and all.
Top Five Singers that Sung with Ritchie Blackmore (Twatdom optional):
1. Graham Bonnett (edges out the Trousersnake)
2. Ian Gillan
3. Ronnie James Dio (the lowest placed acceptable set of pipes)
4. The first one, forget his name. Used to blarble on inoffensively when they thought they were Vanilla Fudge.
5. Joe-Lynn Turner (stupid bollockhead. STOP GETTING RAINBOW WRONG)
2. Surgery - Bronto
First rate driving, thundering, grinding, sleazy, slithering noiseblues of the very best AmRep kind. Off their masterpiece "Nationwide", that I am sure you will now be out scouring the second hand shops for in order to buy it, entirely on my advice. Better than Nirvana (when Nirvana did good things. That is, when they weren't being turned into Cheap Trick for Nevermind). In fact, nothing like Nirvana, really. Well a bit. But that bit better. I'm confused.
Top Five Nationwide Presenters:
1. Hugh Scully
2. Sue Lawley
3. Frank "Hookers'n'Coke" Bough
4. That other bloke that did that thing, going out to places
5. Someone else
3.Roky Erickson - Bloody Hammer
One of Roky's high points from his solo wilderness. Sounds like about four other people, one of which is the Damned, and is therefore a good thing. Poor Roky. Never saw a penny from all them mobile phones.
Top Five Sylvester Stallone Films:
1. Ro(c)ky
2. Judge Dredd
3. First Blood
4. Ro(c)ky II
5. Cliffhanger
He was good in Copland (but the film was a bit poo) and Lords of Flatbush is a load of old mumbly shit.
4. Soft Cell - Numbers
In between the stunning high points, Soft Cell managed to produce a veritable mountain of musical effluent. This is a synthy morsel of that mountain.
Top Five Numbers:
1. One
2. Two
3. Three
4. Five
5. Eight
5. Tenacious D - The Metal
What's it gonna be, Kyle - Tits, or DESTINY?
tits.
Top Five Metals:
1. Heavy
2. Doom
3. Death
4. Thrash
5. Dalekanium
6. The Volcanoes - Murder USA
Sadly forgotten by the world at large, it is impossible to get hold of the splendid poppy, punky garage-tinged wonderment that was The Volcanoes. I'm restricted to the four songs I now own - two on a single obtained for free when they supported The Damned (Roman Jugg produced it and the album) and two songs on a Hybrid compilation. All four are fucking magnificent and it reduces me almost to the brink of thinking about tears that there is an entire album somewhere in the world that I can't have. Bastards.
Top Five Most Serious Natural Disasters:
1. Solar Storm
2. Michael Bay making films
3. Super volcano thing
4. Josh Squarehead Hartnett "acting" in them
5. BIRD FLU (or is it BSE again this month? Or chavitis?)
7. QOTSA - Mosquito Song
QOTSA were twice the band when Nick was a member: discuss. (hint: the answer is "yes, yes they were. and how!"
Top Five Diseases Contracted from Mosquitoes:
1. Malaria
2. Dengue Fever
3. Mosquito Aids (if you are insectophilic insectivert. On the plus side, a gnat's chuff really is as tight as a gnat's chuff [/herring])
4. Measles
5. Mosquitoitis
8. Tom Jones - Little Green Bag
I believe there should be a (feat. Bare Naked Ladies) in there somewhere. Better than the original. Because it's Tom. And Tom improves everything he even thinks of. It's a scientifical fact, dudes. He even improves the Bare Naked Ladies. Mind you, a mighty car crash would improve them. Sorry Canada.
Top Five Things About Tom Jones
1. He's Tom Jones!
2. He's made of durable orange leather
3. He's had so many face lifts, he can't help but smile
4. He can sing like a big-lunged bitch
5. He's from Wales
9. Faith No More - Out of Nowhere
Oof, powerful musical flashback. It's the early nineties again, and this is the only good selection on Gemstones fancy new-fangled video jukebox (well, it had Groove is the Heart on it too, which was good. But this was better. And besides, they'd spelt it "Grove is the Heart" for some reason. Took the edge off).
Top Five Places visited on a Thursday Night Out after Work in the Late Eighties/Early Nineties:
1. Cyprus Tavern
2. Konspiracy
3. The Beer House
4. Isadora's
=5. The Ducie Bridge
=5. Smithfields
10. Dead Kennedys - Moon Over Marin
If every album was of a comparably fucking wonderful standard as Frankenchrist, the world would be a happier place. Of course, this is off Plastic Surgery Disasters, but side two of that is just as good. Don't know why I pointed that out, you'd never have noticed because a: you aren't reading this and b: you're a cementhead who doesn't like Jello and his friends.
Top Five Kennedys
1. The song by the Wedding Present
2. Karl
3. Susan
4. Space Cent(e)r(e)
5. Nigel
11. NWA - Gangsta, Gangsta
With a right, left, right left you're toothless and then you say goddam they ruthless. Do I look like a motherblubbing role model?
Top Five Niggaz with Attitude
1. Eazy-E
2. Ice Cube (before he turned into a complete arse)
3. Dr. Dre (when he had more than one beat)
4. Ron de Vu
5. The Arabian Prince
Sorry Ren and Yella. Bet they aren't your real names anyway.
12. Leatherface - I Want the Moon
Well you can't have it, Frankie lad. Still, hoping to be remembered by more than just me (and the occasional notable other) for such bloody heartfelt, tuneful, frankly loud wonderfulness isn't exactly asking for the moon. You didn't get that, either. Life is a right evil tart.
Top Five Murderous Cinema Franchise People:
1. Michael Myers
2. Jason
3. Leatherface
4. One of the Cenobites (take your pick)
5. Mr. F. Krueger
13. Bryan Ferry - A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall
So far beyond the original in terms of splendour that the whiny nasal tramp's version can't even be seen by the Hubble telescope. In fact, each and every track on his recent album of Dylan covers is vastly superior to the original. And it is a well known fact that Baz hasn't managed a decent solo album since about 1988. Such is the inability of the whiny nasal tramp to decently perform the rather good songs he's written (plus, the Ferry album is really rather good, too).
Top Five Things Preferable to listening to the Whiny Nasal Tramp
1. Being gnawed to death by stoats
2. Shingles
3. Being Jerry Falwell (that would have made a weird film)
4. Knowing Richard Littlejohn (okay, I may have exaggerated)
5. Suffering a hemicorporectomy
14. Kylie Minogue - Red Blooded Woman
Congratulations Kylie, you're not a Vulcan. It's certainly no "Some Kind of Bliss" (back me up on this, Jona), but it's certainly a marvelous slice of homogenous pop.
Top Five Neighbours:
1. Mrs. Pincott, who used to let me walk her dog when I was little. Even though it nearly killed me by dragging me down a hill.
2. Bouncer
3. Libby
4. The nice old lady who died last year, bless her. Had a voice like a man, and looked like the manlady off The Golden Girls. I think she may have been a man. But still, bless her.
5. Karl Kennedy
15. War of the Worlds - Forever Autumn
Ah, the one time Justin Hayward made me cry (tears of anything other than sheer horror). Mind you, that's only because my Uncle had died (the uncle that would take us to play football and such. The cool uncle, who bestrode my tiny-yet-horizonless world like a colossus of knowledgeability and aceness. He wasn't even thirty), and then this was in the charts, and it made my mum cry, which made me cry. Three years or so later, the most wonderful primary school teacher in the world carted her own record player into school and played it for us, all in the name of learning and literature. I was an impressionable child and by then I think it was Richard Burton's voiceover that led to Ms. Locke's concern over my wellbeing.
Top Five Seasons:
1. Winter
2. Autumn
3. Summer
4. Paprika
5. Spring
16. Thee Mighty Caesars - Jack the Ripper
It's one of the instrumental ones. Add that to the previously gained medway knowledge, and you'll know how ace it is and practically be able to hear the genius thud and clatter of Bruce's drums.
Top Five Caesars:
1. Julius
2. Augustus
3. Octavius (maybe)
4. Julius II
5. Julius III
17. NKOTB - Hangin' Tough
I've no idea why this is on the sPazAmp. It might be one of the "downloaded on request by someone else" songs, I really don't know. I mean, it's not like I'd be afraid to fess up if it was one of mine (cf Tom Jones, Kylie, Ricky Martin, etc, etc). Bizarre.
Top Five NKOTBers
1. None of them
18. Roxy Music - A Song for Europe (Live '75)
Not the best quality (although as mid-70s bootlegs go, it's pretty good), but still, one of the finest songs ever created by man, beast or musical deity. Implicit bathos by the ladleful, heartfelt pathos by the wheelbarrowful, soul-squeezing indefinable sadness by the JCB-ful, plus an oboe! Plus it's sung in upwards of THREE different languages! By CHRIST I love this song. And so do you. Unless you're a massive cementhead, of course.
Top Five Songs for Europe
1. Izhar Cohen & Alphabeta - A-Ba-Ni-Bi
2. Herreys - Diggi-loo, Diggi-lay
3. Nicole- Ein Bisschen Frieden
4. Brainstorm - My Star (they were robbed, ROBBED I tell you. Stupid Danes)
5. Brotherhood of Mann - Save all Your Kisses
19. 1000 Homo DJs - Apathy
Best random purchase ever. A simple 12" cover, no info other than the titles - it was in the industrial section of Piccadilly records and the cover was a pastiche of the Black Sabbath album cover (it had a cover of Supernaut as first track - this was the second of two records, but the shop stuck on labels connected them, see). This was in the pre-t'internet days of knowing what every single release will contain, and who will do what on it. Turned out to be most of Ministry, William Rieflin plus a little bit of Jello! Bargain, as they say.
Top Five Record Shops that are or have been in Manchester
1. Eastern Bloc (when it had two bits, and you'd get served by the chap out of 808 State in one of them)
2. Piccadilly Records (when it was near Spin Inn, before Evil Fopp stole it)
3. Spin Inn (before it died a lonely death)
4. Goldmine (before it was bulldozed)
5. That chap's stall in the Corn Exchange (before it was bombed to buggery, and was accidentally gentrified by the IRA)
20. Ocean Colour Scene - Get Blown Away
I had previously been rumbled listening to an OCS song - the mind had wandered, I'd forgotten this window was open. Christ, do you really think I do nothing but record a good couple of hours thoughts in the one post? Do fup off. I feel like the chap revealing that Milli Vanilli mimed but no, sometimes I do other things. And, during those other things, OCS had popped up. ANYWAY. I went back and this was the choice (chosen by me, because it's fantastic). Entirely ripped off from Status Quo (Pictures of Matchstalk Men, and all the better for it), and quite splendid.
Top Five Latin Expressions:
1. Status Quo
2. Quod Erat Demostrandum (as one hopeful bod ended his A Level answer with)
3. Three others.
So there you go. A perfect demonstration of the imbalance of effort to appreciation. I care not (well, maybe a little), I got to have fun even if nobody else did.
---
Bring the pain, motherblubbers. The sPazAmp is back, and its about to attack. In a sense, at least. That sense being one of total falsehood. I've finished marking, and to celebrate I shall force myself to listen to something other than things conducive to marking (Boris is good for that. It helps not being able to understand the words, less of a distraction. Tubular Bells eight times in a row was just foolhardy, though. Subliminal urges to type "a now, two slightly DISTORTED guitars!" into the annotations).
ANYHOO, I shall have to go and chastise myself for typing "anyhoo" (I'll have to do it twice, now), and then I shall be right back, walking the walk and typing the type. Only you won't really notice, because me typing this is not a realtime affair. Ha. OWNED IN THE FACE, CEMENTHEADS.
Right. And off we go.
1. Peep Durple - Pictures of Home
Classic, typical even, Purps. It goes: The whole song, then guitar bit, then bass bit, then Jon "Gandalf" Lord's patented organ-sounding-like-guitar bit, then reprise, then fade out. Ian Gillan has a grand voice. Shame he's such a twat. Graham Bonnett had a belting voice as well. He was a right old twat and all.
Top Five Singers that Sung with Ritchie Blackmore (Twatdom optional):
1. Graham Bonnett (edges out the Trousersnake)
2. Ian Gillan
3. Ronnie James Dio (the lowest placed acceptable set of pipes)
4. The first one, forget his name. Used to blarble on inoffensively when they thought they were Vanilla Fudge.
5. Joe-Lynn Turner (stupid bollockhead. STOP GETTING RAINBOW WRONG)
2. Surgery - Bronto
First rate driving, thundering, grinding, sleazy, slithering noiseblues of the very best AmRep kind. Off their masterpiece "Nationwide", that I am sure you will now be out scouring the second hand shops for in order to buy it, entirely on my advice. Better than Nirvana (when Nirvana did good things. That is, when they weren't being turned into Cheap Trick for Nevermind). In fact, nothing like Nirvana, really. Well a bit. But that bit better. I'm confused.
Top Five Nationwide Presenters:
1. Hugh Scully
2. Sue Lawley
3. Frank "Hookers'n'Coke" Bough
4. That other bloke that did that thing, going out to places
5. Someone else
3.Roky Erickson - Bloody Hammer
One of Roky's high points from his solo wilderness. Sounds like about four other people, one of which is the Damned, and is therefore a good thing. Poor Roky. Never saw a penny from all them mobile phones.
Top Five Sylvester Stallone Films:
1. Ro(c)ky
2. Judge Dredd
3. First Blood
4. Ro(c)ky II
5. Cliffhanger
He was good in Copland (but the film was a bit poo) and Lords of Flatbush is a load of old mumbly shit.
4. Soft Cell - Numbers
In between the stunning high points, Soft Cell managed to produce a veritable mountain of musical effluent. This is a synthy morsel of that mountain.
Top Five Numbers:
1. One
2. Two
3. Three
4. Five
5. Eight
5. Tenacious D - The Metal
What's it gonna be, Kyle - Tits, or DESTINY?
tits.
Top Five Metals:
1. Heavy
2. Doom
3. Death
4. Thrash
5. Dalekanium
6. The Volcanoes - Murder USA
Sadly forgotten by the world at large, it is impossible to get hold of the splendid poppy, punky garage-tinged wonderment that was The Volcanoes. I'm restricted to the four songs I now own - two on a single obtained for free when they supported The Damned (Roman Jugg produced it and the album) and two songs on a Hybrid compilation. All four are fucking magnificent and it reduces me almost to the brink of thinking about tears that there is an entire album somewhere in the world that I can't have. Bastards.
Top Five Most Serious Natural Disasters:
1. Solar Storm
2. Michael Bay making films
3. Super volcano thing
4. Josh Squarehead Hartnett "acting" in them
5. BIRD FLU (or is it BSE again this month? Or chavitis?)
7. QOTSA - Mosquito Song
QOTSA were twice the band when Nick was a member: discuss. (hint: the answer is "yes, yes they were. and how!"
Top Five Diseases Contracted from Mosquitoes:
1. Malaria
2. Dengue Fever
3. Mosquito Aids (if you are insectophilic insectivert. On the plus side, a gnat's chuff really is as tight as a gnat's chuff [/herring])
4. Measles
5. Mosquitoitis
8. Tom Jones - Little Green Bag
I believe there should be a (feat. Bare Naked Ladies) in there somewhere. Better than the original. Because it's Tom. And Tom improves everything he even thinks of. It's a scientifical fact, dudes. He even improves the Bare Naked Ladies. Mind you, a mighty car crash would improve them. Sorry Canada.
Top Five Things About Tom Jones
1. He's Tom Jones!
2. He's made of durable orange leather
3. He's had so many face lifts, he can't help but smile
4. He can sing like a big-lunged bitch
5. He's from Wales
9. Faith No More - Out of Nowhere
Oof, powerful musical flashback. It's the early nineties again, and this is the only good selection on Gemstones fancy new-fangled video jukebox (well, it had Groove is the Heart on it too, which was good. But this was better. And besides, they'd spelt it "Grove is the Heart" for some reason. Took the edge off).
Top Five Places visited on a Thursday Night Out after Work in the Late Eighties/Early Nineties:
1. Cyprus Tavern
2. Konspiracy
3. The Beer House
4. Isadora's
=5. The Ducie Bridge
=5. Smithfields
10. Dead Kennedys - Moon Over Marin
If every album was of a comparably fucking wonderful standard as Frankenchrist, the world would be a happier place. Of course, this is off Plastic Surgery Disasters, but side two of that is just as good. Don't know why I pointed that out, you'd never have noticed because a: you aren't reading this and b: you're a cementhead who doesn't like Jello and his friends.
Top Five Kennedys
1. The song by the Wedding Present
2. Karl
3. Susan
4. Space Cent(e)r(e)
5. Nigel
11. NWA - Gangsta, Gangsta
With a right, left, right left you're toothless and then you say goddam they ruthless. Do I look like a motherblubbing role model?
Top Five Niggaz with Attitude
1. Eazy-E
2. Ice Cube (before he turned into a complete arse)
3. Dr. Dre (when he had more than one beat)
4. Ron de Vu
5. The Arabian Prince
Sorry Ren and Yella. Bet they aren't your real names anyway.
12. Leatherface - I Want the Moon
Well you can't have it, Frankie lad. Still, hoping to be remembered by more than just me (and the occasional notable other) for such bloody heartfelt, tuneful, frankly loud wonderfulness isn't exactly asking for the moon. You didn't get that, either. Life is a right evil tart.
Top Five Murderous Cinema Franchise People:
1. Michael Myers
2. Jason
3. Leatherface
4. One of the Cenobites (take your pick)
5. Mr. F. Krueger
13. Bryan Ferry - A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall
So far beyond the original in terms of splendour that the whiny nasal tramp's version can't even be seen by the Hubble telescope. In fact, each and every track on his recent album of Dylan covers is vastly superior to the original. And it is a well known fact that Baz hasn't managed a decent solo album since about 1988. Such is the inability of the whiny nasal tramp to decently perform the rather good songs he's written (plus, the Ferry album is really rather good, too).
Top Five Things Preferable to listening to the Whiny Nasal Tramp
1. Being gnawed to death by stoats
2. Shingles
3. Being Jerry Falwell (that would have made a weird film)
4. Knowing Richard Littlejohn (okay, I may have exaggerated)
5. Suffering a hemicorporectomy
14. Kylie Minogue - Red Blooded Woman
Congratulations Kylie, you're not a Vulcan. It's certainly no "Some Kind of Bliss" (back me up on this, Jona), but it's certainly a marvelous slice of homogenous pop.
Top Five Neighbours:
1. Mrs. Pincott, who used to let me walk her dog when I was little. Even though it nearly killed me by dragging me down a hill.
2. Bouncer
3. Libby
4. The nice old lady who died last year, bless her. Had a voice like a man, and looked like the manlady off The Golden Girls. I think she may have been a man. But still, bless her.
5. Karl Kennedy
15. War of the Worlds - Forever Autumn
Ah, the one time Justin Hayward made me cry (tears of anything other than sheer horror). Mind you, that's only because my Uncle had died (the uncle that would take us to play football and such. The cool uncle, who bestrode my tiny-yet-horizonless world like a colossus of knowledgeability and aceness. He wasn't even thirty), and then this was in the charts, and it made my mum cry, which made me cry. Three years or so later, the most wonderful primary school teacher in the world carted her own record player into school and played it for us, all in the name of learning and literature. I was an impressionable child and by then I think it was Richard Burton's voiceover that led to Ms. Locke's concern over my wellbeing.
Top Five Seasons:
1. Winter
2. Autumn
3. Summer
4. Paprika
5. Spring
16. Thee Mighty Caesars - Jack the Ripper
It's one of the instrumental ones. Add that to the previously gained medway knowledge, and you'll know how ace it is and practically be able to hear the genius thud and clatter of Bruce's drums.
Top Five Caesars:
1. Julius
2. Augustus
3. Octavius (maybe)
4. Julius II
5. Julius III
17. NKOTB - Hangin' Tough
I've no idea why this is on the sPazAmp. It might be one of the "downloaded on request by someone else" songs, I really don't know. I mean, it's not like I'd be afraid to fess up if it was one of mine (cf Tom Jones, Kylie, Ricky Martin, etc, etc). Bizarre.
Top Five NKOTBers
1. None of them
18. Roxy Music - A Song for Europe (Live '75)
Not the best quality (although as mid-70s bootlegs go, it's pretty good), but still, one of the finest songs ever created by man, beast or musical deity. Implicit bathos by the ladleful, heartfelt pathos by the wheelbarrowful, soul-squeezing indefinable sadness by the JCB-ful, plus an oboe! Plus it's sung in upwards of THREE different languages! By CHRIST I love this song. And so do you. Unless you're a massive cementhead, of course.
Top Five Songs for Europe
1. Izhar Cohen & Alphabeta - A-Ba-Ni-Bi
2. Herreys - Diggi-loo, Diggi-lay
3. Nicole- Ein Bisschen Frieden
4. Brainstorm - My Star (they were robbed, ROBBED I tell you. Stupid Danes)
5. Brotherhood of Mann - Save all Your Kisses
19. 1000 Homo DJs - Apathy
Best random purchase ever. A simple 12" cover, no info other than the titles - it was in the industrial section of Piccadilly records and the cover was a pastiche of the Black Sabbath album cover (it had a cover of Supernaut as first track - this was the second of two records, but the shop stuck on labels connected them, see). This was in the pre-t'internet days of knowing what every single release will contain, and who will do what on it. Turned out to be most of Ministry, William Rieflin plus a little bit of Jello! Bargain, as they say.
Top Five Record Shops that are or have been in Manchester
1. Eastern Bloc (when it had two bits, and you'd get served by the chap out of 808 State in one of them)
2. Piccadilly Records (when it was near Spin Inn, before Evil Fopp stole it)
3. Spin Inn (before it died a lonely death)
4. Goldmine (before it was bulldozed)
5. That chap's stall in the Corn Exchange (before it was bombed to buggery, and was accidentally gentrified by the IRA)
20. Ocean Colour Scene - Get Blown Away
I had previously been rumbled listening to an OCS song - the mind had wandered, I'd forgotten this window was open. Christ, do you really think I do nothing but record a good couple of hours thoughts in the one post? Do fup off. I feel like the chap revealing that Milli Vanilli mimed but no, sometimes I do other things. And, during those other things, OCS had popped up. ANYWAY. I went back and this was the choice (chosen by me, because it's fantastic). Entirely ripped off from Status Quo (Pictures of Matchstalk Men, and all the better for it), and quite splendid.
Top Five Latin Expressions:
1. Status Quo
2. Quod Erat Demostrandum (as one hopeful bod ended his A Level answer with)
3. Three others.
So there you go. A perfect demonstration of the imbalance of effort to appreciation. I care not (well, maybe a little), I got to have fun even if nobody else did.
MY DOK!!
It's a themed sPazAmp from the vaults! Head for the hills!
---
Now, as Boris are official this week's Best Band in the World (a title they've held on many an other week, but I hadn't just been to see them those weeks) I felt it was only right to have a shuffle just of Boris. But then I realised you don't deserve a full twenty slices of Borissy goodness. Your soft, underdeveloped musical palates would wilt under the onslaught. I'd better temper it slightly and do a shuffle of everything on sPazAmp tagged "Sludge". Then I realised you'd only be reading my witterings on the subjects, not hearing the songs themselves, but it was too late by then. I'd got my mind set on it, as George Harrison nearly sang (to a tune he'd nicked. Like all his tunes, the thieving git).
So sit back, relax, and allow the sludge to wash over you. As if you were living in a low-lying part of Yorkshire this past week.
1. Thorr's Hammer - Norge
I've got my Thorr's Hammer t-shirt on! It's like sPazAmp can see me. How weird would that be? I wonder what it thinks, when it stares at me so? It's probably in awe, in awe of my musical taste and the wonderful songs it gets to play for me. Yes, that's probably it. It's 7m37s long, if you're keeping a log (this will probably be the longest shuffle in the History of Shuffles. I'm the official historian, you know).
2. Electric Wizard - The Chrononaut (demo)
The wizaaaard! It wouldn't be such a useful thing I don't think, to be an Electric Wizard. You'd have to be plugged in all the time, or have an enormous battery pack. Regular wizards don't have that hassle. I hope the probably increase in power is worth the mobility trade off. Whole things seems like a load of unnecessary effort. Tch, progress. 10m20s.
3. Boris with Keiji Haino - from the distance, with their own gentle eyes always fixed on us, they are affectionately gazing at the Black, Implication Flooding
The title is longer than the song! Not really, the song is 6m36s. Not even Stephen Hawking would take that long to read it out.
4. Boris -1970
If they'd had music this good in 1970, they wouldn't have to make it now. Rocks like a demented bull ripped to the tits on rocking pills. Whatever they are. 4m58s
5. Monster Magnet - Ego, the Living Planet
I've been there. It's massive, and it rocks. I once had a go on Dave Wyndorf's guitar, you know. That isn't a euphemsim for having a go on his winky. 5m7s
6. Earth - Plague of Angels
That'd be a right pain, that would. What if they moulted? They'd have massive feathers. Plus, they'd be forever mooching around, pontificating about religion and such. Plus it'd be really hard to disagree with them, as them being there would sort of prove their own point, even before they made it. Sodding angels. Good series though (not a patch on Buffy, mind). 14m47s. Kurt Cobain was reasonably good friends with Dylan Carlson of the Earth fame, y'know. He even pops up on a live album.
7. Goatsnake - The River
Grinds like a motherblubber, does this. Like Melvins with a huge injection of THE RIFF. Sadly not a cover of the Springsteen song. 8m14s. Nearly an hour in!
8. Electric Wizard - Funeralopolis
The wizaaard! Again! This was the best song in the world a couple of days ago. Because my reckoning of these things is the world's official barometer. Oh yes. Big, loping, grindsome basstro? Check. Grinding fuzztastic guitar onslaught at the same loping pace? Check. Indecipherable lyrics (always a bonus in these cases)? Check. Big medal for being best song in the world pinned to it's satanic lapel? Check. Check check check. Check. 8m43s? Check. Checkity check.
9. Boris - Ano Onna No Onryou
Fucking wonderful, you motherblubber. Shame they didn't play it last night. I like to think that they save it for an encore, and given that that they had to leave the stage via the crowd, the encore was a bit unlikely. Didn't stop people shouting at the empty stage, though. Fools. 9m32s.
10. sunn o))) - A Shaving of the Horn that Speared you
Ooh, matron. Mr. Boris had a sunn o))) t-shirt on. He looked spiffing. This should be Andy's favourite sunn o))) song. 17m50s. Back later.
11. sunn o))) & Boris - Akuma no Kuma
The pinnacle of man's musical achievements (that isn't done by Boris on their own). 7m52s of orgasmic ecstacy in music form.
12. Orthodox - Arrodillate ante La Madera y La Piedra
They're Spanish, y'know. What relevance this has to the fact that they grind and drone like specially grown steroid enhanced grind and drone beasts, I don't know. But I thought I'd tell you anyway. They're grand. 11m36s.
13. Monster Magnet - Snake Dance
It's the original version off the mini LP, not the superior re-recording album version and blahblahblah (I nicked that off Michael the Stripe off of noted chart popsters REM). Still like, totally awesome, dude. A mere 3m21s.
14. sunn o))) - Rabbit's Revenge
I've just noticed that I don't have Melvins tagged as sludge. I was wondering why they hadn't popped up yet. Oh well, too late to change it now, I suppose. 14m01s.
15. Earth - Tibetan Quaaludes
15% more effective than Nepalese Quaaludes, factdudes. 7m43s.
16. Deer Creek - The Gateway was Broken
Hope it's fixed now. Very little idea who these are, except they had a split with Church of Misery. Pleasant enough, and a brief 4m23s.
17. Church of Misery - Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll
In my capacity as Lord of Rock, I command you all to like this. NOW, motherblubbing cementheads. 4m0s.
18. Goatsnake - Flower of Disease
Probably about syphilis. If so, it's the best song about syphilis ever! 6m39s, time fanatics.
19. Boris - Pink
If there was any justice in the sPazAmping world, this would be #20. The little yelp at the start was the drummer, in case you were wondering. It's 4m20s and fucking wonderfuckingful, motherblubbers.
20. Thrones - Reddleman
I've just had to read Return of the Native again, too. The bastards. Thanks for reminding me (although at least he does get lots of money and a happy married life at the end. It's not a spoiler, I'm saving you from 400 odd pages of turgid misery. Go team Diggory!) 2m54s
So, yeah. One shuffle, best part of three hours and Boris are still really good, motherblubbers.
---
Now, as Boris are official this week's Best Band in the World (a title they've held on many an other week, but I hadn't just been to see them those weeks) I felt it was only right to have a shuffle just of Boris. But then I realised you don't deserve a full twenty slices of Borissy goodness. Your soft, underdeveloped musical palates would wilt under the onslaught. I'd better temper it slightly and do a shuffle of everything on sPazAmp tagged "Sludge". Then I realised you'd only be reading my witterings on the subjects, not hearing the songs themselves, but it was too late by then. I'd got my mind set on it, as George Harrison nearly sang (to a tune he'd nicked. Like all his tunes, the thieving git).
So sit back, relax, and allow the sludge to wash over you. As if you were living in a low-lying part of Yorkshire this past week.
1. Thorr's Hammer - Norge
I've got my Thorr's Hammer t-shirt on! It's like sPazAmp can see me. How weird would that be? I wonder what it thinks, when it stares at me so? It's probably in awe, in awe of my musical taste and the wonderful songs it gets to play for me. Yes, that's probably it. It's 7m37s long, if you're keeping a log (this will probably be the longest shuffle in the History of Shuffles. I'm the official historian, you know).
2. Electric Wizard - The Chrononaut (demo)
The wizaaaard! It wouldn't be such a useful thing I don't think, to be an Electric Wizard. You'd have to be plugged in all the time, or have an enormous battery pack. Regular wizards don't have that hassle. I hope the probably increase in power is worth the mobility trade off. Whole things seems like a load of unnecessary effort. Tch, progress. 10m20s.
3. Boris with Keiji Haino - from the distance, with their own gentle eyes always fixed on us, they are affectionately gazing at the Black, Implication Flooding
The title is longer than the song! Not really, the song is 6m36s. Not even Stephen Hawking would take that long to read it out.
4. Boris -1970
If they'd had music this good in 1970, they wouldn't have to make it now. Rocks like a demented bull ripped to the tits on rocking pills. Whatever they are. 4m58s
5. Monster Magnet - Ego, the Living Planet
I've been there. It's massive, and it rocks. I once had a go on Dave Wyndorf's guitar, you know. That isn't a euphemsim for having a go on his winky. 5m7s
6. Earth - Plague of Angels
That'd be a right pain, that would. What if they moulted? They'd have massive feathers. Plus, they'd be forever mooching around, pontificating about religion and such. Plus it'd be really hard to disagree with them, as them being there would sort of prove their own point, even before they made it. Sodding angels. Good series though (not a patch on Buffy, mind). 14m47s. Kurt Cobain was reasonably good friends with Dylan Carlson of the Earth fame, y'know. He even pops up on a live album.
7. Goatsnake - The River
Grinds like a motherblubber, does this. Like Melvins with a huge injection of THE RIFF. Sadly not a cover of the Springsteen song. 8m14s. Nearly an hour in!
8. Electric Wizard - Funeralopolis
The wizaaard! Again! This was the best song in the world a couple of days ago. Because my reckoning of these things is the world's official barometer. Oh yes. Big, loping, grindsome basstro? Check. Grinding fuzztastic guitar onslaught at the same loping pace? Check. Indecipherable lyrics (always a bonus in these cases)? Check. Big medal for being best song in the world pinned to it's satanic lapel? Check. Check check check. Check. 8m43s? Check. Checkity check.
9. Boris - Ano Onna No Onryou
Fucking wonderful, you motherblubber. Shame they didn't play it last night. I like to think that they save it for an encore, and given that that they had to leave the stage via the crowd, the encore was a bit unlikely. Didn't stop people shouting at the empty stage, though. Fools. 9m32s.
10. sunn o))) - A Shaving of the Horn that Speared you
Ooh, matron. Mr. Boris had a sunn o))) t-shirt on. He looked spiffing. This should be Andy's favourite sunn o))) song. 17m50s. Back later.
11. sunn o))) & Boris - Akuma no Kuma
The pinnacle of man's musical achievements (that isn't done by Boris on their own). 7m52s of orgasmic ecstacy in music form.
12. Orthodox - Arrodillate ante La Madera y La Piedra
They're Spanish, y'know. What relevance this has to the fact that they grind and drone like specially grown steroid enhanced grind and drone beasts, I don't know. But I thought I'd tell you anyway. They're grand. 11m36s.
13. Monster Magnet - Snake Dance
It's the original version off the mini LP, not the superior re-recording album version and blahblahblah (I nicked that off Michael the Stripe off of noted chart popsters REM). Still like, totally awesome, dude. A mere 3m21s.
14. sunn o))) - Rabbit's Revenge
I've just noticed that I don't have Melvins tagged as sludge. I was wondering why they hadn't popped up yet. Oh well, too late to change it now, I suppose. 14m01s.
15. Earth - Tibetan Quaaludes
15% more effective than Nepalese Quaaludes, factdudes. 7m43s.
16. Deer Creek - The Gateway was Broken
Hope it's fixed now. Very little idea who these are, except they had a split with Church of Misery. Pleasant enough, and a brief 4m23s.
17. Church of Misery - Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll
In my capacity as Lord of Rock, I command you all to like this. NOW, motherblubbing cementheads. 4m0s.
18. Goatsnake - Flower of Disease
Probably about syphilis. If so, it's the best song about syphilis ever! 6m39s, time fanatics.
19. Boris - Pink
If there was any justice in the sPazAmping world, this would be #20. The little yelp at the start was the drummer, in case you were wondering. It's 4m20s and fucking wonderfuckingful, motherblubbers.
20. Thrones - Reddleman
I've just had to read Return of the Native again, too. The bastards. Thanks for reminding me (although at least he does get lots of money and a happy married life at the end. It's not a spoiler, I'm saving you from 400 odd pages of turgid misery. Go team Diggory!) 2m54s
So, yeah. One shuffle, best part of three hours and Boris are still really good, motherblubbers.
DROKK YOU, LAWBREAKER!
For some reason, the intro to this particular plunge into the sPazAmpular past reads like some kind of relaunch. Like when 2000ad swallowed up Starlord and they sort of started Strontium Dog all over again, almost as though the Starlord adventures hadn't happened, but not quite as though it were entirely new. Odd, can't remember why (the sPazAmp bit, not the Johnny Alpha bit. I get that bit, I do know about comics). Hey ho. Let's go!
---
Being a shuffleological sPazAmpvert, I've decided to waste many, many minutes of my life recording my listening habits accompanied by inane blatherings and then firing the completed missive into the cold, uncaring and very possibly ear-less internets.
My shuffles are like my beloved United. Nobody likes them, and we don't care.
Anyway, settle down comfortably, chisel some of the cement from your ears, and I'll begin...
1. Queen - Ogre Battle
Way to ruin Saturday, shufflegods. Not content with the stench filled shit thrown at me through the working day (granted, probably not their direct responsibility. That's probably down to the IB Claimant Gods. If they exist. And, if they do, provided they aren't off sick with "tremors" or near-terminal sciatica), it flings this piece of musical poo at my head at the start of the shuffle. Oh world, why must you taunt me so.
2. Chico Magnetic Band - Cross Town Traffic
Now this is more likely. Crazy French psych-prog band from the very early seventies vastly improves Jimi Hendrix (some might argue that such a feat is far from difficult, and even go on to say that Jimi managed it himself by carking it. But I would never be so cruel). But the best bit about how they vastly improve it is that they patently believe themselves to be faithfully covering it. And yet it goes geniusly awry. How splendid.
3. Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Fucking Titch - Hold Tight
Rip off sixties luminous pop vomit. And not in a good way.
4. Carter USM - Do Re Me, So Far So Good
A long way from my favourite Carter effort. Not without redeeming features (catchy chorus, as per usual), but it hardly scales the heights and slips into a big mucky pit signposted as "the big bunch of moderately successful and popular Carter songs that all sound the same, really". And not particularly in a good way.
5. Tindersticks - Sweet Memory
I have one of those. Ah, the lovely wine gums I had on the bus this morning at seven in the morning. Were I to compile a list of least favourite Tindersticks songs (an unlikely prospect, but you never know. You really don't), this would be right up there. Or down there, depending on how you look at it. It's like Coldplay gone gently country. And not in a good way (there is no good way for that).
6. The Southwest F.O.B. - Green Skies
Texas psychey garage that can't make it's mind up who or what to be. Oh, to tinkle the hammond, oh to jangle the guitars, oh to go for moody brooding psychpop, oh to suddenly introduce a brass element for no reason. Oh to sod it, let's shove them all in. And not in a good way.
7. Randy Alvey & the Green Fuz - Green Fuz
A marvelous thing. An original that the Cramps couldn't improve. Didn't happen often, but nothing could top the utterly heartfelt, musically incompetent, recorded in a bathtub on a one-track (or possibly half-track. Or possibly not, as that's a type of military vehicle) binatone dictaphone with faulty wiring. The drummer doesn't drum, he just falls into his kit now and again. The singer tries to make being "the green fuz" sound like the most menacingly cool and dangerous thing there is. The guitarist plays a different song. And in a very good way indeed.
8. Melvins- Flex With You (2)
Speed Melvins. Positively races along by their standards. Over in less than a minute, too. Nice.
9. Earth - Phase 3: Agni Detonating over the Thar Desert
Exactly what it says on the tin. It's as it sounds. It's fucking wonderful. It really is bliss. Well, some kind of bliss. No, not that some kind of bliss. Calm down Jona.
10. The Bambi Molesters - Tremor
Now THAT'S what I call mixing (vol. 86). Armageddon in drone form followed by THE TWANG. Lovely.
11. The Solarflares - The Mountain
Not sure which mountain he means. The Eiger, perhaps. Don't care, really. Graham Day could sing about a big pile of non-recyclable rubbish and it'd be fucking superb.
12. Boredoms - Your Name is Limitless
No it isn't. But your aceness is.
13. The Dickies - Nights in White Satin
I can't abide the original. I haven't much time for the Dickies. It's a fucking dismal excuse for a no win situation. Damn you, shufflegods *shakes fist*
14. The Fall - Shoulder Pads 1
That makes for a foolishly lopsided jacket, you pleb.
15. Hawkwind - Seven by Seven
Ace despite, no BECAUSE it always makes me think of the Stone'enge song in Spinal Tap.
16. Hugo Montenegro - Secret Agent Man
For some reason, they were playing this at Bolton bus station this afternoon. One of the most surreal musical experiences, toes uncontrollably a-tappin' whilst waiting for the number 8 bus in the dingiest bus stop ever surrounded by inbred pie-fondling yonners carting off their cheap tat booty from the market next door. Yeah!
17. Soulsavers - Ghosts of You and Me
Not my favourite Mark Lanegan's Patented Whisky Raddled Sex in Violently Harsh Cigarette Enhanced Voice Form vehicle, but hey, it's still The Lanegan. And therefore good. Yes, so.
18. Jack and Jim - Midnight Monster's Hop
I have no idea who Jack or Jim are, but I often thank them (not in person. If I could do that, I'd have some idea who they are/were. Obv.) for making a wonderful little late fifties monster-themed boptastic hopsong. In the peloton of late fifties monster-themed boptastic hopsongs pursuing the yellow jersey of Bert Convy.
19. Fun Lovin' Criminals - King of New York
One of only three rather tremendous reasons for Fun Lovin' Criminals being allowed to exist. All other musical examples perpetrated by them are michelin starred heaps of caterpillar excrement that contravene all laws of taste, decency and curiously, Guatemala.
20. The Kills - The Good Ones
Oh, the bitter irony.
Thanks for listening, now pack up and ship out. Or pack up and fuck off, it's up to you really.
I'm talking to myself. As well as typing to myself.
---
Being a shuffleological sPazAmpvert, I've decided to waste many, many minutes of my life recording my listening habits accompanied by inane blatherings and then firing the completed missive into the cold, uncaring and very possibly ear-less internets.
My shuffles are like my beloved United. Nobody likes them, and we don't care.
Anyway, settle down comfortably, chisel some of the cement from your ears, and I'll begin...
1. Queen - Ogre Battle
Way to ruin Saturday, shufflegods. Not content with the stench filled shit thrown at me through the working day (granted, probably not their direct responsibility. That's probably down to the IB Claimant Gods. If they exist. And, if they do, provided they aren't off sick with "tremors" or near-terminal sciatica), it flings this piece of musical poo at my head at the start of the shuffle. Oh world, why must you taunt me so.
2. Chico Magnetic Band - Cross Town Traffic
Now this is more likely. Crazy French psych-prog band from the very early seventies vastly improves Jimi Hendrix (some might argue that such a feat is far from difficult, and even go on to say that Jimi managed it himself by carking it. But I would never be so cruel). But the best bit about how they vastly improve it is that they patently believe themselves to be faithfully covering it. And yet it goes geniusly awry. How splendid.
3. Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Fucking Titch - Hold Tight
Rip off sixties luminous pop vomit. And not in a good way.
4. Carter USM - Do Re Me, So Far So Good
A long way from my favourite Carter effort. Not without redeeming features (catchy chorus, as per usual), but it hardly scales the heights and slips into a big mucky pit signposted as "the big bunch of moderately successful and popular Carter songs that all sound the same, really". And not particularly in a good way.
5. Tindersticks - Sweet Memory
I have one of those. Ah, the lovely wine gums I had on the bus this morning at seven in the morning. Were I to compile a list of least favourite Tindersticks songs (an unlikely prospect, but you never know. You really don't), this would be right up there. Or down there, depending on how you look at it. It's like Coldplay gone gently country. And not in a good way (there is no good way for that).
6. The Southwest F.O.B. - Green Skies
Texas psychey garage that can't make it's mind up who or what to be. Oh, to tinkle the hammond, oh to jangle the guitars, oh to go for moody brooding psychpop, oh to suddenly introduce a brass element for no reason. Oh to sod it, let's shove them all in. And not in a good way.
7. Randy Alvey & the Green Fuz - Green Fuz
A marvelous thing. An original that the Cramps couldn't improve. Didn't happen often, but nothing could top the utterly heartfelt, musically incompetent, recorded in a bathtub on a one-track (or possibly half-track. Or possibly not, as that's a type of military vehicle) binatone dictaphone with faulty wiring. The drummer doesn't drum, he just falls into his kit now and again. The singer tries to make being "the green fuz" sound like the most menacingly cool and dangerous thing there is. The guitarist plays a different song. And in a very good way indeed.
8. Melvins- Flex With You (2)
Speed Melvins. Positively races along by their standards. Over in less than a minute, too. Nice.
9. Earth - Phase 3: Agni Detonating over the Thar Desert
Exactly what it says on the tin. It's as it sounds. It's fucking wonderful. It really is bliss. Well, some kind of bliss. No, not that some kind of bliss. Calm down Jona.
10. The Bambi Molesters - Tremor
Now THAT'S what I call mixing (vol. 86). Armageddon in drone form followed by THE TWANG. Lovely.
11. The Solarflares - The Mountain
Not sure which mountain he means. The Eiger, perhaps. Don't care, really. Graham Day could sing about a big pile of non-recyclable rubbish and it'd be fucking superb.
12. Boredoms - Your Name is Limitless
No it isn't. But your aceness is.
13. The Dickies - Nights in White Satin
I can't abide the original. I haven't much time for the Dickies. It's a fucking dismal excuse for a no win situation. Damn you, shufflegods *shakes fist*
14. The Fall - Shoulder Pads 1
That makes for a foolishly lopsided jacket, you pleb.
15. Hawkwind - Seven by Seven
Ace despite, no BECAUSE it always makes me think of the Stone'enge song in Spinal Tap.
16. Hugo Montenegro - Secret Agent Man
For some reason, they were playing this at Bolton bus station this afternoon. One of the most surreal musical experiences, toes uncontrollably a-tappin' whilst waiting for the number 8 bus in the dingiest bus stop ever surrounded by inbred pie-fondling yonners carting off their cheap tat booty from the market next door. Yeah!
17. Soulsavers - Ghosts of You and Me
Not my favourite Mark Lanegan's Patented Whisky Raddled Sex in Violently Harsh Cigarette Enhanced Voice Form vehicle, but hey, it's still The Lanegan. And therefore good. Yes, so.
18. Jack and Jim - Midnight Monster's Hop
I have no idea who Jack or Jim are, but I often thank them (not in person. If I could do that, I'd have some idea who they are/were. Obv.) for making a wonderful little late fifties monster-themed boptastic hopsong. In the peloton of late fifties monster-themed boptastic hopsongs pursuing the yellow jersey of Bert Convy.
19. Fun Lovin' Criminals - King of New York
One of only three rather tremendous reasons for Fun Lovin' Criminals being allowed to exist. All other musical examples perpetrated by them are michelin starred heaps of caterpillar excrement that contravene all laws of taste, decency and curiously, Guatemala.
20. The Kills - The Good Ones
Oh, the bitter irony.
Thanks for listening, now pack up and ship out. Or pack up and fuck off, it's up to you really.
I'm talking to myself. As well as typing to myself.
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