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The key's in the chest, you onion! Quick, or you'll be stuck in that stupid hall forever, becoming increasingly frustrated and trying to put Thorin in the chest for kicks!
You find yourself gripped by an urge to reveal the paucity of racy adventure and edge-of-the-seat thrillsomeness in your life by doing yet another sPazAmp on a Saturday night. What is more, you are gripped by this strange and debilitating urge whilst listening to "Coward of the County" by Kenny Rogers. What will you do? If you wish to sPazAmp with this as the first song, turn to page 803. If you wish to sPazAmp without including the nefariously bearded perverse musical pleasure, turn to page 2. If you wish to do neither, set fire to book. And then yourself. If you don't wish to do the things he done, if you wish to walk away from trouble if you can, if you don't think it's means you're weak if you turn the other cheek, please ring Kenny for advice and a hug.
Turn to page 2.
1. Wu-Tang Clan - Rules
You find yourself in a cave, unsurprisingly. By means of some rude grafitti on the cave wall, you discover the perils of turning the other cheek to Kenny Rogers. It sends a shiver through your carefully trimmed silvery beard. If you wish to rethink your actions and ring Kenny for some special beardy fun, turn to appendix XI. If you wish to fight a dragon to put all that time you spent cheating to get good STR and STA to good use (and yet ultimately be devoured, bringing the adventure to a premature and grisly end), then turn to page YOURESTUPID. If you wish to eat the dice, consult a psychiatrist. If you have already eaten the dice, consult a physician. If y'all know the rules, and don't fuck with fools, then turn to page 40oz. If you're bored of reading this page, turn to another page. If you think that the vast majority of possible "turn to page" jokes have been used in this, the first entry, then turn to page WHATDOYOUWANTAFUCKINGMEDAL EINSTEIN. If you wish to continue your daring adventure into sPazAmpLand, with stout heart and girded loins, turn to page 3. If you have accidentally girded some lions, then please contact Animal Hospital's Rolf Harris, and a welder.
Turn to page 3.
2. Devo - Girl U Want
Look, if you wanted to read things in sequentially numbered order, you should have bought a regular book you peanut. It's an adventure! Possibly taking place in Firetop Mountain, which is in no way a sign of Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone stealing from J.R.R. Tolkein! Show some backbone, man! Try the path less trodden (not in the Kenny Rogers special beard fun way)! If you have grown a spine and a fine, bouncing pair of balls, turn to page eight gillion and listen to the next song whilst stabbing a chimaera, juggling flaming chainsaws and having illicit congress with a squid. If you have suddenly become a cementhead, then stop reading, denounce the quirky majesty of Devo, burn your computer, and start listening to th'Arctic t'Monkeys. If you are still a eunuch with jellified vertebrae, turn to page 4 and have some crumpets with Anne Diamond.
Turn to page eight gillion.
3. NoMeansNo - Phone Call
That's more like it. On both the musical and cojones-sprouting fronts. You are confronted by a bunch of tremendously wonderful Canadians, probably in a cave still, playing thunderously wonderful, slightly terrifying, marginally math-rock music at you. Roll against willpower. Fail, and you will be trapped listening to nothing else but their polar bear worrying, mountie-endorsed grandeur forever. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it will make for a slightly repetitive sPazAmpVenture. Survive, and turn to page NEXT.
Roll dice *3* Get in! Turn to page NEXT.
4. Cinerama - Your Charms
You turn to page next. You are somewhere else. Something else is happening. Choose between one thing and another thing. Get it wrong and something a bit bad might happen to you. Get it right, and something a bit less bad might happen to you, but it might ultimately lead to a more difficult choice of things and then death on spikes. The choice, as our Graham off of television's Blind Date says, is yours.
This book is a bit rubbish. I've seen more effort put in to editions of Woman's Own, and possibly Bella.
A large rock falls on your head. You pick up the rock and inspect it. It is carved with strange, eldritch runic symbols. Luckily, you can read strange eldritch runicese. You translate. It reads "watch it, you tart". If you wish to watch it, you tart, then turn to page watchityoutart. If you do not wish to watch it, you tart, then turn to page certaindeathbyspikesyoutart.
And just how are you doing that? You're meant to be a book. The responses can't be tailored to things I say in my head. Or out loud. Or on the internets. That's just stupid. You're stupid. Stupid, just stupid. Like the insurance costs in that advert.
You marvel at the strange coincidence of the entries in the fighting fantasy book The WarAmp of FireSpaz Mountain appearing as though they are direct responses to your own musings. You also toy with scrawling "I AM A MASSIVE HOMBO" on your own forehead in permanent marker. However, you think better of this ludicrous idea and decide to mend your ways and not question my bookly wisdom again. The pleasant strains of another of Gedge's paeans to adulterous fornication fade, leaving you with a choice. If you wish to pull the lever that I have hitherto failed to mention, turn to page -6. If you do not wish to pull the lever, don't. No skin off my nose, squire.
Turn to page -6.
5. Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Review
You pull the lever. A bunch of ugly scousers sing at you. It is a not unpleasant experience. If you close your eyes, that is. And try desperately to block out the stench of roasting rat. Musically rejuvenated, yet slightly tainted by the miasma of the Kingdom of Scouse and possessed of a perturbing urge to hold a minute's silence, you gain +3 musical happiness and incur a -2 penalty to personal hygiene. You turn to page 35, whether you like it or not.
6. Chingon - Alacran y Pistolero
You fall into a massive pit filled with spikes, and rather understandably die. Only kidding! Have a French Fancy and a sit down. In front of you is one of them forens, singing in forens whilst wearing a massive sombrero. It's really quite lovely, even if you have great difficulty understanding what he is warbling about (you skipped Proper Forens to take extra strange, eldritch runicese lessons, you onion). The forens finishes his song and gives you a pair of quite awesome cowboy boots with a really ace pattern on them. It is fair to say that you are totally stoked. You gain a +10 MASSIVE SEXINESS bonus. If you wish to strut about the place, turn to page gimp and incur a massive slap about the chops penalty. If you wish to slink forward into the mountain with an air of inscrutable appeal and louche rum addiction, then have a drink on me, gorgeous. And turn to page 94.
Turn to page
7. Tom Jones - (I Ain't No) One Night Only Love Maker
Crossing outs or no crossing outs, I can only accept your first answer. And thus you have strutted to a room made entirely from tough, orange leather. You find, to your mild dismay (and hidden, secret pleasure), that you fit right in. You gain +5 to leather garments, chest hair and medallions, +800 to orange hue and skin thickness. Your belt buckle nearly causes you to fall over, such is its weight in pure gold, you are saved only by the +50 you have also gained to hip-power. You feel compelled to turn page 3, to ogle breasts and listen to My Life Story.
8. My Life Story - Strumpet
Your leathery orange glow fades, to be replaced by a faintly irritating voice, the occasional good tune and an overblown and misplaced sense of your own musicality. If, for the good of all musickind, you wish to end it now, turn to page painlessdeathbyinjection. If you can't bring yourself to do it because, when push comes to shove, you shove yourself in the direction of actually quite liking several of the songs, turn to page hangyourheadinshameyoutart.
Turn to page thingy, not the death one.
9. Chris Farlowe- Yesterday's Papers
You find yourself confronted by the world's pre-eminent collector of Nazi memorabilia and possessor of a fucking fine voice, asking you who wants yesterday's papers. If you wish to answer that you understand the slightly misogynistic rhetorical question he is posing, turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY! If you wish to answer "chip shops, Chris. Chip shops", then turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY!one.
Turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY!one, but keep thumb on previous page in case something a bit bad happens, and I decide I'd rather do the other thing.
10. Church of Misery - Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll
You have been found guilty of gross, reprehensible bookcheating. You fall into a pit of spikes and, quite understandably die. No French Fancy for you this time, kiddo. At least, as you meet your maker in a compromising impalement scenario, you get to listen to a really fucking fantastic song that every one with even the most passing acquaintance with THE RIFF should listen to and adore. Even if they are otherwise cementheaded. Now, back to your pit-shaped spike-filled DOOM, motherblubber!
Do you wish to play again Y/N?
Y
I'm a book. Not a game. You are not the WarAmp of FireSpaz Mountain. Now fuck off.
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