I SPEAKED A TRUE!

Arnie did say that. In a deleted scene from Raw Deal. Roll out the barrel, the barrel of old sPazAmps! Gorblimey! Stone the crows! And stone Mother Brown, and her detestable cockney knees! Get in!

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I've just spent a moment listening to the youtube at the head of my previous dismal entry into this cavalcade of dross. And, safe in the knowledge that very few of you (with the occasional notable exception) have listened to anything of an even vaguely comparable quality in the intervening time, I feel emboldened to do another shuffle.

I should probably warn you that it was Marlon's de facto leaving do tonight (knowing Marlon, he may not show up for the last couple of days next week, but then reappear weeks later demanding drinks and dodging rounds as if nothing had happened. But that's another matter altogether), so me starting this at a quarter to one after that much cheap rum and this much available reasonably priced bourbon is probably more an endurance test for me than anything else. Don't say you weren't warned, cement heads.

Oh, yeah. Youtubeness. Made a right rod for me own back here. Now, whilst I can't possibly ever hope to top el trio from the last one (at the risk of impinging on my own shuffledom, there is little in the musical world that can make me melt, go weak at the knees and/or want to hug a fat middle aged Mexican man than at least fourteen points in that rendition of Malagueña Salerosa), I figured I'd give you something along the same lines to gawp at. Big hat. Big song. And yes, that is Bobert Bodriguez on the guitar, there. It's sexy where El Trio makes me weak for other reasons. The original, non-live version is even better (and has one tiny weak-knees moment, too).



Anyway. On with the endurance test.


1. Solomon Burke - Keep a Light in the Window
Unless it's a lava lamp, in which case don't bother you lampological tatvert.

2. Inspiral Carpets - Gimme Shelter (Peel Sessions Version)
I'm not entirely sure there is a version other than the Peel sessions version. Doesn't matter really, as it piddles all over the Stones. Mainly because the Stones are bunch of parent snorting coke addled talent vortices. Apart from Charlie, who is (and always has been) a reliable, cue-hitting unthrilling and dull rattler of traps.

3. Hüsker Dü - Never Talking to You Again (Live)
For most of it, none of them sound like they could give the slightest arse about the whole thing. Fortunately I can, and even more fortunately they still sound like utter dishevelled musical sex singing it, even when not arsed.

4. Soft Cell - Born to Lose
One of many songs that Pulp made it all too obvious that they had listened to at some point. Oh, and Marc Almond manages to slightly ruin it by being forever a smidgen past the acceptable drama mark. As he does with everything, ever.

5. Bloodrock - D.O.A.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. The finest musical example of dying in a bizarre and massive plane crash, and then singing about it whilst lying to the gradually cooling corpse of your nearest and, most recently, dearest. Also, it usual features me singing me little lungs out (as it suits my range splendidly well), but not today. Not least because it isn't the Fuzztones cover version.

6. Neil Diamond - Oh, Mary
I think she knocked her cup over and ruined his favourite rug, hence Neil's exasperation. I inserted the comma myself, just to support this bout of pointless typing. I love the song really.

7. Flower Travelling Band - Spasms
It's ace, and not like writing "spasms" on the front of your IB50 claim form as at least one Incapacity Benefit claimant did. Another came in citing their principal incapacitating factor as "tremors". I mean, really. I'm not a medical expert but fucking hell, even I'd be able to tell if someone was being perpetually attacked by giant sand-worms/kevin bacon. Also, I've listened to loads of songs between this and the last one listed, I just haven't been paying attention due to distractedness. Soz.

8. Barry Dennen, Ian Gillan, some random dudes and a bunch of music - Trial Before Pilate (Including the 39 Lashes)
How terribly Eastersome. And also, rather fucking awesome. If Barry Dennen had recorded an album of him being overwrought, sneering and entirely Pontius Pilate, I'd have bought it. About nine times. Also, it's an aid to counting. It's all good, dude. Also, when Barry Pilate really bellows "DIE! - IF YOU want to" like he really means it, I feel like I'm having a tiny bit of music sex. It's the best thing ever. Honest.

9. Scissor Sisters - Return to Oz
The demo type version from the not released pre-first album album. Regardless of the version, it still remains as one of my all time favourite songs. It's like Elton John had a massively fertile orgy with the tune he'd always sought to write and Pink Floyd. With fluffing by Roxy Music.

9. The Buff Medways - You're Out the Band, Sunshine
Well, I dint want to be in your bloody stupid band anyway, dickface.

I did really. Sob.

Also, I can't count, apparently.

10. I Love You - Jesus
Seriously, it's the bandname and the songname, not just my Easterly explosion of uncontrollable faith. What makes it worse it that its a really wonderful song. I don't really love you Jesus! Not because you aren't loveable, but because I don't believe you existed, at least not in the way the Bible keeps pretending. Glad we got that one cleared up.

11. R.E.M. - Try Not to Breathe
Self-important, over-produced and dreadfully over-sung bollocks with sub sixth-form poetry lyrics. I loved it when I was 21 or so, mind. Either way, it's pretty shit advice. Unless they're filling your room with Zyklon B or something. I wouldn't put it past them, the nutters.

12. Alice Donut - In My Head
Not in mine, apparently, as I went off and did a rant about television somewhere else instead.

13. Mudhoney - Sweet Young Thing Ain't Sweet No More
Splendid song. Rubbish title if you think about it just that little bit too much. Which I suggest you don't, as I've sort of spoilt the song and appalled myself simultaneously.

14. Ian Dury - Sweet Gene Vincent
It's more than a bit good. Use your ears. Im not doing all the work for you.

15. The Damned - Problem Child
It's Problem Child, by The Damned. And, therefore, pretty good but not great. I really want to go to bed, does it show?

16. Theme From Danger Man
Probably better known to you cementheaded philistines as "that music off of Mark and Lard". Indeed.

17. Elvis Presley - The Wonder of You
I love the Elvis. I kind of hate this song a bit. I'm only typing this to hasten the end of this exercise in pointless sleep-avoidance.

18. Johnny Cash - The Streets of Laredo
Are in Laredo. Well done.

19. The Czars - Get Used to It
Possibly a bit twee. I don't care. It's a wonderfully important song to me, and simply listening to it sparks from me a multitude of thanks to the person who introduced me to it. That the person in question would have little idea of the impact of their suggestion only serves to make the outcome all the better. Thanks.

20. Dead Kennedys - Halloween
Blah blah blah its fucking fantastic blah blah it isn't halloween anymore dude blah blah did I mention quite how fucking awesome it is blah blah I did? blah blah how many times? blah blah about nine other times? blah blah wow.

Bye.