GRUDD!!!

I've just eaten a curry!

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Quite.


Blah blah blah mumble sPazAmp blah blah bleurgh shuffle do de doo dooo mumble cementheads.


1. Jello Biafra & Mojo Nixon (and probably some Toadliquors) - Hamlet Chicken Plant Disaster
Featuring no Jello Biafra at all. Unless he's making a weird, barely discernible noise in the background, or something. Still, much as I do love a bit of Jello, the better songs on the album are the ones where he isn't there. Mojo don't need no collaborations to be brilliant. Well, maybe Skid Roper. And possibly the toadliquors. And Jello Biafra sometimes. Okay, so maybe he does. Sometimes. But not at others. I'm going to stop now, because the fence is digging into my buttocks. That might be a euphemism. For bumming.

2. The Dicks Hate the Police
They do, you know. Really hate them. Absolutely can't stick them. Which may also be a euphemism. For bumming. However, the really sad aspect of this whole affair is not the bumming euphemism, it's the fact that they didn't manage to record anything that came within a million miles of being as good as this. They tried, they failed. Like Michael Barrymore trying to escape his past.

3. Melvins - Leeech
Reeeally spleeendid. I like the Melvins, did you know? I don't think I've ever really mentioned it before. And, reading back over this entry, I don't think I can find a single thing that could be construed as a euphemism for bumming. Which, I'm sure you will all agree, is a shame. Poor, stillborn running joke. How we mourn thee.

4. The Electric Prunes - Mujo 22
The start of this sounds exactly like something Rudi Vandersario and Spider Dijon might record. In fact, most of the song could have been spawned by the infamous bongo brothers. Which is amusing if that means anything to you, and isn't worth finding out if it doesn't (mainly because the song is a bit like Josh Hartnett's acting skills. That is, painful, tragic and cursed with an incredibly square head.



5. Lee Dresser & the Krazy Kats - Beat Out My Love
Not so much a euphemism for furious fapping as a direct, matter of fact musical showcase of it. Which, if you think about the sentence for a fraction too long, sounds really disgusting and bizarre. Still, it's really good in its own inimitable 50s twisted rock'n'roll way.

6. Jean-Jacques Perrey - 18th Century Puppet
Biting historical comment on the political situation in Europe in a time of stirring unrest and social upheaval, or a plinkly plonkly early electronic oddity? You decide.

7. The Littlest Hobo Theme
Elton John is naming his next tour after this, and only changing one letter. Although why he would want to call his tour "the littlest hrbo tour" I have no idea.

8. Muse - Hoodoo
Piss off you overearnest, overblown, over-egger-of-puddings midget tosspot. I like two entire songs, one entire half of another and, if I'm lucky, a little ten second snatch here and there. Although the last part is more to do with my Tom Sizemore-esque prostitute addiction than it is to do with Muse. He's forever pestering me to trade videos, you know. The big pervert.

9. MC5 - Rocket Reducer No. 62 (Rama Lama Fa Fa Fa)
How? I mean, just how? How do you make one stonkingly, ball-cuppingly wondrous album and then manage to do very little but rather strained averageness all around it? I don't actually want any answers or sensible comments regarding band troubles, this being a live album or any other nonsense. I just wanted some easy to type waffle with which to fill this entry, and pointing out that this album is leagues ahead of anything else they (or indeed most other people) ever managed seemed as good a bet as anything. I may as well have typed a small treatise on the relative attractiveness of cod when compared to other edible sea creatures for all the good this has done. And it seems to have taken me nearly six minutes. Bah.

10. Terry and the Blue Jeans - Misirlou
They're Japanese. Which is of absolutely no relevance. Or perhaps even less than that. I think I'm just unconsciously trying to justify having eight bajillion versions of Misirlou. All of which I love. In a bumming way.

11. Jose Feliciano - Tu Me Haces Falta
I no haces your falta. I gave it you back. You just can't find it.

12. Jose Feliciano - Miss Otis Regrets
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS RANDOM ABOUT THAT, PLEASE?

13. Isaac Hayes - (they long to be) Close to You
It's because they want to bum your big scientologist bum, Ike. And how!

14. Andy Williams - Can't Get Used to Losing You
You better try, bucko. I ain't coming back to your wrinkly, crooning bumface. I love this song (and several other Andy Williams songs).

15. Ricky Martin - Por Arriba, Por Abajo
Haven't a clue what he's on about, he looks like he has down's, he's grown a seriously ill-advised beard, but I love him.



16. Masta Killa - D.T.D. (feat. a whole bunch of people)
My joint second favourite solo Wu-Tang (first being GZA, first and a half being ODB and the rest being more or less all the rest of them equally).

17. Killah Priest - If You Don't Know
Jostling for postion with the aforementioned Mr. Killa in the slightly second tier of solo Wu-Tangers (a little behind U God, but slightly ahead of Redman. Mainly because he hasn't suffered from delusions of acting, and Heavy Mental is a better album than Whut? Thee annoyingly titled album!?!?)

18. R.E.M. - Get Up
...and turn the fucking stereo off. R.E.M. in tedious wankboremode. Which, to be fair, is the mode they are in most of the time, and blablabla.

19. Col. Abrams vs. Eurhythmics - Trapped Dreams
Wish it was just the Col. Abrams song instead of a mix. I love that song so hard. So hard it HURTS (the song that is, not me. It doesn't hurt me).

20. Revolting Cocks - Razor's Edge
Should any cementheads want an easy avenue into the splendid world of the massive end of semi-industrial lunacy that is the Revolting Cocks (it could be a euphemism for bumming. Or the most laboriously worded advert in a phonebox ever), then this is the song for you. And should any cementheads want a rewarding avenue into enormous throbbing basslines and frankly obscene, yet understated riffs (with added sleaze vox), then they should probably call a very specialised musical sexline. Either way, this song is motherblubbingly fantastic. Oh yes.



Bye!