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Hello! Hello? Is there anybody out there? Is it me you're looking for? Shove off, you strange amalgam of Pink Floyd and Lionel Richie. Especially Lionel, stop taunting blind women in your videos.
Having gone Tom Jones crazy for most of the day, I feel it prudent to indulge in some shuffling before my closest Last FM neighbour is a sixty year old knicker-flinging woman. I'm quite aware that some people would pay good money for that sort of thing. But hey, I'm not some people. No. I'm just one. Obv.
1. Gogol Bordello - Start Wearing Purple
The version from Voi-la Intruder. It's a bit different from the other one, but still ace. They're pretty ace full stop. Such a shame that most of the acclaim ladled onto their heads from some quarters is for all the wrong reasons. Makes me want to invent a crazy gypsy cossack dance. Again.
No youtube. It'd only be perved over.
2. The Calico Wall - I'm a Living Sickness
You so aren't, Mr. Calico Wall. Unless you are actually, counter to the sleeve note indications, a germ rather than a person. Reasonably entertaining sixties garage that shoehorns in all the requisite elements, arranges them in a pleasing manner and thus ticks most of the required boxes. Not as good as "Flight Reaction", but still quite good if slightly forgettable. Meh.
No youtube. It doesn't exist and I can't think of a humorous and/or good alternative.
3. Screaming Trees - Halo of Ashes
A tiny bit eastern, a tiny bit too earnest, and a tiny bit not as good as it should be. Screaming Trees at their trying too hardest. I feel I should like it more, but I don't. Oh well. Hmph.
No youtube just because. All these comments probably seem a bit weird as I only decided on the youtube thing later when I found the ace one for Church of Misery (you'll see. If you dare).
4. The Stingrays - Joe Strummer's Wallet
Look, I've told you all about this before. I'm not going to waste my time telling you again how brain-fondlingly marvelous it is, I'm just going to sit here and thoroughly enjoy it instead.
To balance the indirect Strummer bashing, here's the one and only Clash song I truly fucking adore (live!).
5. The Revels - Foo Man Choo
A doo-wop oddity that is odd along the very obvious lines delineated in the title. Huh.
Unsurprisingly, The Revels (the band, not the chocolate) don't make it onto youtube, so here's Tom Jones dancing up a storm of leathery sex. Again.
6. Funkadelic - (Not Just) Knee Deep
Known to most people as The One That De La Soul Used On Me Myself and I. Not me. I know it as it is and prefer it in this form. Because I'm so cool, see. And I gots the funk. By the kfmotherfuckingc bargain bucketload. And I also heart Tom Jones. I AM THE ULTIMATE PERSON.
It's fifteen minutes long, doubt you want to sit through a youtube that length, so here they are in 1970 being genius on a show called "Upbeat"
7. Edgar Broughton Band - House of Turnabout
Edgar in the wistful prog mode (rather than the more rock incarnation). Bloody marvelous and if you don't like it then you're a scrotum.
Apologies for the nature of the youtube (flid makes video of stills of the band over the tune), but it's worth it for the song (the closest in spirit to the actual EBB song with actually being it).
8. Los Monstruos
Sounds like Spinal Tap as the Thamesmen (or whatever it was) with "Gimme Some Money". You know what I want, or maybe you don't. This is probably because it has the same tune. This is in foreign. Thought you might like to know that. Ah, the legend that was John "Stumpy" Pepys.
9. Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come on Eileen
I will NOT, bloody filthmongers. What a massively sexy and appealing song this is. Forget the drunkenly co-ordinated mass foot stamping it instigates towards the end of the reception for every family wedding ever. Strip away the herds of drunken morons abusing it. Focus on how unapologetically perfect a pop song it is instead. Wearing dungarees with nothing underneath was a stupid idea, this song clearly wasn't. As the video proves.
10. Church of Misery - El Topo
As most of their frankly STAGGERINGLY wonderful tunes are named after serial killers, I can only surmise that this is about the word-famous serial-killing singing puppet-mouse from Italy. Rocks like a beast, grinds like a bitch, and does lots of other things like things beginning with the letter B. All of them good. It is awesome, magnificent and totally tickles my balls. You'd hate it, mind, as you have heads of cement and entirely fail to acknowledge the massive majesty of the behemothic sabbath-on-steroids semi-Japanese masters of music. Or something. Whatever it is, you're wrong. HA.
Here's their promo for "Filth Bitch Boogie (Aileen Wuornos)". It has BORIS connections, dontcha know. I can think of nearly four people on here whose lives would be willingly enhanced by having Church of Misery in them (the lives that is, not the person).
11. Rainbow - All Night Long
A very particular kind of musical perfection. Graham Bonnet reaches his own personal talentastic zenith (just edging out "Since You've Been Gone"), Cozy does his drum thing and stays within the bounds of sense, Ritchie rocks just enough, the rest are just there. In that order. Has a video featuring a large breasted slapper jiggling away whilst Graham leches at her from behind his mammoth shades whilst singing. Contains the lines "you're sort of young / but you're all the rage / I don't care cause I like your style / don't know about your brain/but you look alright". HALLELUJAH. Here's the video. Hnggh.
You love it, you do.
12. Tony Christie - Avenues and Alleyways
I can only click my fingers with my left hand. Weird that, isn't it? I always find out during this song as it is proper finger-clickable. I heart this song massively, and have done ever since I was a tiny shoelace apparently (so my Mum says).
I was going to commemorate this with a clip of Tony riding the turd-ridden coattails of the Amarillo-based fame on "Saturday Swings", presented by Natasha "pointless" Kaplinsky. But it physically hurt. So instead, here is Tony reprising his German TV efforts on "I Did What I Did For Maria". Watch out for the VERY special dance move he busts between 40 and 44 seconds. It's mind bogglingly. The charisma-free bellend really did think he was Tom Jones, whereas in reality he was more the dancing version of Joey Deacon (google it, youngsters). The merits of the curiously Peter Kay-a-like paid to sit in the background and look vaguely cowboy-ish have been covered elsewhere.
*sadly, the youtube has been removed, so you will be forever denied the mystical wonder of Tony's christawful dancing. Soz*
Here he is doing Avenues and Alleyways in a gloriously lurid shirt and trousers combo. It's part of him doing a really bizarre big medley in the same clothes. SEVEN MINUTES OF THE TONE! Bonanza! Includes advice on not going down to Reno, shooting people on behalf of Maria, directions to Amarillo, terrible miming, even worse dancing, a camp German presenter, a gold disc presentation in forens
13. DJ Yoda - Betty Boo/Doin' the Do
It features both Betty Boo and Europe's "Final Countdown" in about a minute and a half. It's almost too much excitement for the human mind to take. It certainly is if you were a certain age at the time of the originals, ahem. To commemorate, here are both in youtube form.
The worst that eighties style videos (and cod-rapping) can offer:
The worst hair that metal could provide, and the worst metal that hair could provide:
EMBRACE THE CHEESE.
14. Humanoid - Stakker Humanoid
Immense electronic quality. Utterly, utterly peerless. All bleepy, beepy songs should be this good. But, alas, they aren't. FOR SHAME, ELECTRONIC PEOPLE. It seems to be one of the very few instances where I'm stuck in the past with what was a contemporary (to me) tune. Sorry. It's best heard in a club with it playing so loud that it feels like it is physically squeezing your head. It may also help to have taken drugs, I think.
Youtube. Sorry a) for the tiny, tiny volume. TURN IT UP and b) if you're an epileptic. Be careful. If you weren't before, you might be afterwards.
15. GLC - Half Man Half Machine
Sheer unadulterated qualitude. That isn't even a word! It is really good though. Don't believe me? Well
16. Wu-Tang Clan - Gravel Pit
One of THE finest hip hop songs, and an excuse to post just about the finest hip hop videos. Especially the visual representation of ODB being in chokey. Classic (and I don't use that term lightly).
17. Kylie Minogue - Some Kind of Bliss
That's me and Jona happy, then. And probably JamieC and the Snork, given the Manics association.
Obligatory youtube, random petrol station guff.
18. Inspiral Carpets - Two Worlds Collide
One of my very favourite late-period Inspiral goodnesses, and a very easy one to youtube, given Mute's helpful hand in uploading all of the offical promos. God bless 'em.
19. Gas Huffer - Crooked Bird
Not their best, but in the top five. And easily their best video. Which makes it far better than most things you can feed to your ears. Poor Tom Price :(
20. Afghan Whigs - Miles iz Ded
Not the best quality recording of a decent version of one of the best songs in the world, ever. Typical television-at-a-festival camerawork, but you still get Greg Dulli looking oddly hot and the drummer has all of his clothes on (by no means a given with him), so it's all good when you think about it. Cashback!
Fun! Fun? Fun. Maybe. I don't know why I bother. I expect signs of appreciation, or the shuffle gets it. IN THE HEAD.
Bye!
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