BY STOMM!

The sPazAmp has a top-fives gimmick! Sweet toasty Moses!

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Bring the pain, motherblubbers. The sPazAmp is back, and its about to attack. In a sense, at least. That sense being one of total falsehood. I've finished marking, and to celebrate I shall force myself to listen to something other than things conducive to marking (Boris is good for that. It helps not being able to understand the words, less of a distraction. Tubular Bells eight times in a row was just foolhardy, though. Subliminal urges to type "a now, two slightly DISTORTED guitars!" into the annotations).

ANYHOO, I shall have to go and chastise myself for typing "anyhoo" (I'll have to do it twice, now), and then I shall be right back, walking the walk and typing the type. Only you won't really notice, because me typing this is not a realtime affair. Ha. OWNED IN THE FACE, CEMENTHEADS.

Right. And off we go.

1. Peep Durple - Pictures of Home
Classic, typical even, Purps. It goes: The whole song, then guitar bit, then bass bit, then Jon "Gandalf" Lord's patented organ-sounding-like-guitar bit, then reprise, then fade out. Ian Gillan has a grand voice. Shame he's such a twat. Graham Bonnett had a belting voice as well. He was a right old twat and all.

Top Five Singers that Sung with Ritchie Blackmore (Twatdom optional):
1. Graham Bonnett (edges out the Trousersnake)
2. Ian Gillan
3. Ronnie James Dio (the lowest placed acceptable set of pipes)
4. The first one, forget his name. Used to blarble on inoffensively when they thought they were Vanilla Fudge.
5. Joe-Lynn Turner (stupid bollockhead. STOP GETTING RAINBOW WRONG)

2. Surgery - Bronto
First rate driving, thundering, grinding, sleazy, slithering noiseblues of the very best AmRep kind. Off their masterpiece "Nationwide", that I am sure you will now be out scouring the second hand shops for in order to buy it, entirely on my advice. Better than Nirvana (when Nirvana did good things. That is, when they weren't being turned into Cheap Trick for Nevermind). In fact, nothing like Nirvana, really. Well a bit. But that bit better. I'm confused.

Top Five Nationwide Presenters:
1. Hugh Scully
2. Sue Lawley
3. Frank "Hookers'n'Coke" Bough
4. That other bloke that did that thing, going out to places
5. Someone else

3.Roky Erickson - Bloody Hammer
One of Roky's high points from his solo wilderness. Sounds like about four other people, one of which is the Damned, and is therefore a good thing. Poor Roky. Never saw a penny from all them mobile phones.

Top Five Sylvester Stallone Films:
1. Ro(c)ky
2. Judge Dredd
3. First Blood
4. Ro(c)ky II
5. Cliffhanger

He was good in Copland (but the film was a bit poo) and Lords of Flatbush is a load of old mumbly shit.

4. Soft Cell - Numbers
In between the stunning high points, Soft Cell managed to produce a veritable mountain of musical effluent. This is a synthy morsel of that mountain.

Top Five Numbers:

1. One
2. Two
3. Three
4. Five
5. Eight

5. Tenacious D - The Metal
What's it gonna be, Kyle - Tits, or DESTINY?
tits.

Top Five Metals:
1. Heavy
2. Doom
3. Death
4. Thrash
5. Dalekanium

6. The Volcanoes - Murder USA
Sadly forgotten by the world at large, it is impossible to get hold of the splendid poppy, punky garage-tinged wonderment that was The Volcanoes. I'm restricted to the four songs I now own - two on a single obtained for free when they supported The Damned (Roman Jugg produced it and the album) and two songs on a Hybrid compilation. All four are fucking magnificent and it reduces me almost to the brink of thinking about tears that there is an entire album somewhere in the world that I can't have. Bastards.

Top Five Most Serious Natural Disasters:

1. Solar Storm
2. Michael Bay making films
3. Super volcano thing
4. Josh Squarehead Hartnett "acting" in them
5. BIRD FLU (or is it BSE again this month? Or chavitis?)

7. QOTSA - Mosquito Song
QOTSA were twice the band when Nick was a member: discuss. (hint: the answer is "yes, yes they were. and how!"

Top Five Diseases Contracted from Mosquitoes:

1. Malaria
2. Dengue Fever
3. Mosquito Aids (if you are insectophilic insectivert. On the plus side, a gnat's chuff really is as tight as a gnat's chuff [/herring])
4. Measles
5. Mosquitoitis

8. Tom Jones - Little Green Bag
I believe there should be a (feat. Bare Naked Ladies) in there somewhere. Better than the original. Because it's Tom. And Tom improves everything he even thinks of. It's a scientifical fact, dudes. He even improves the Bare Naked Ladies. Mind you, a mighty car crash would improve them. Sorry Canada.

Top Five Things About Tom Jones

1. He's Tom Jones!
2. He's made of durable orange leather
3. He's had so many face lifts, he can't help but smile
4. He can sing like a big-lunged bitch
5. He's from Wales

9. Faith No More - Out of Nowhere
Oof, powerful musical flashback. It's the early nineties again, and this is the only good selection on Gemstones fancy new-fangled video jukebox (well, it had Groove is the Heart on it too, which was good. But this was better. And besides, they'd spelt it "Grove is the Heart" for some reason. Took the edge off).

Top Five Places visited on a Thursday Night Out after Work in the Late Eighties/Early Nineties:

1. Cyprus Tavern
2. Konspiracy
3. The Beer House
4. Isadora's
=5. The Ducie Bridge
=5. Smithfields

10. Dead Kennedys - Moon Over Marin
If every album was of a comparably fucking wonderful standard as Frankenchrist, the world would be a happier place. Of course, this is off Plastic Surgery Disasters, but side two of that is just as good. Don't know why I pointed that out, you'd never have noticed because a: you aren't reading this and b: you're a cementhead who doesn't like Jello and his friends.

Top Five Kennedys

1. The song by the Wedding Present
2. Karl
3. Susan
4. Space Cent(e)r(e)
5. Nigel

11. NWA - Gangsta, Gangsta
With a right, left, right left you're toothless and then you say goddam they ruthless. Do I look like a motherblubbing role model?

Top Five Niggaz with Attitude

1. Eazy-E
2. Ice Cube (before he turned into a complete arse)
3. Dr. Dre (when he had more than one beat)
4. Ron de Vu
5. The Arabian Prince

Sorry Ren and Yella. Bet they aren't your real names anyway.

12. Leatherface - I Want the Moon
Well you can't have it, Frankie lad. Still, hoping to be remembered by more than just me (and the occasional notable other) for such bloody heartfelt, tuneful, frankly loud wonderfulness isn't exactly asking for the moon. You didn't get that, either. Life is a right evil tart.

Top Five Murderous Cinema Franchise People:

1. Michael Myers
2. Jason
3. Leatherface
4. One of the Cenobites (take your pick)
5. Mr. F. Krueger

13. Bryan Ferry - A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall
So far beyond the original in terms of splendour that the whiny nasal tramp's version can't even be seen by the Hubble telescope. In fact, each and every track on his recent album of Dylan covers is vastly superior to the original. And it is a well known fact that Baz hasn't managed a decent solo album since about 1988. Such is the inability of the whiny nasal tramp to decently perform the rather good songs he's written (plus, the Ferry album is really rather good, too).

Top Five Things Preferable to listening to the Whiny Nasal Tramp

1. Being gnawed to death by stoats
2. Shingles
3. Being Jerry Falwell (that would have made a weird film)
4. Knowing Richard Littlejohn (okay, I may have exaggerated)
5. Suffering a hemicorporectomy

14. Kylie Minogue - Red Blooded Woman
Congratulations Kylie, you're not a Vulcan. It's certainly no "Some Kind of Bliss" (back me up on this, Jona), but it's certainly a marvelous slice of homogenous pop.

Top Five Neighbours:

1. Mrs. Pincott, who used to let me walk her dog when I was little. Even though it nearly killed me by dragging me down a hill.
2. Bouncer
3. Libby
4. The nice old lady who died last year, bless her. Had a voice like a man, and looked like the manlady off The Golden Girls. I think she may have been a man. But still, bless her.
5. Karl Kennedy

15. War of the Worlds - Forever Autumn
Ah, the one time Justin Hayward made me cry (tears of anything other than sheer horror). Mind you, that's only because my Uncle had died (the uncle that would take us to play football and such. The cool uncle, who bestrode my tiny-yet-horizonless world like a colossus of knowledgeability and aceness. He wasn't even thirty), and then this was in the charts, and it made my mum cry, which made me cry. Three years or so later, the most wonderful primary school teacher in the world carted her own record player into school and played it for us, all in the name of learning and literature. I was an impressionable child and by then I think it was Richard Burton's voiceover that led to Ms. Locke's concern over my wellbeing.

Top Five Seasons:

1. Winter
2. Autumn
3. Summer
4. Paprika
5. Spring


16. Thee Mighty Caesars - Jack the Ripper
It's one of the instrumental ones. Add that to the previously gained medway knowledge, and you'll know how ace it is and practically be able to hear the genius thud and clatter of Bruce's drums.

Top Five Caesars:

1. Julius
2. Augustus
3. Octavius (maybe)
4. Julius II
5. Julius III

17. NKOTB - Hangin' Tough
I've no idea why this is on the sPazAmp. It might be one of the "downloaded on request by someone else" songs, I really don't know. I mean, it's not like I'd be afraid to fess up if it was one of mine (cf Tom Jones, Kylie, Ricky Martin, etc, etc). Bizarre.

Top Five NKOTBers

1. None of them

18. Roxy Music - A Song for Europe (Live '75)
Not the best quality (although as mid-70s bootlegs go, it's pretty good), but still, one of the finest songs ever created by man, beast or musical deity. Implicit bathos by the ladleful, heartfelt pathos by the wheelbarrowful, soul-squeezing indefinable sadness by the JCB-ful, plus an oboe! Plus it's sung in upwards of THREE different languages! By CHRIST I love this song. And so do you. Unless you're a massive cementhead, of course.

Top Five Songs for Europe

1. Izhar Cohen & Alphabeta - A-Ba-Ni-Bi
2. Herreys - Diggi-loo, Diggi-lay
3. Nicole- Ein Bisschen Frieden
4. Brainstorm - My Star (they were robbed, ROBBED I tell you. Stupid Danes)
5. Brotherhood of Mann - Save all Your Kisses

19. 1000 Homo DJs - Apathy
Best random purchase ever. A simple 12" cover, no info other than the titles - it was in the industrial section of Piccadilly records and the cover was a pastiche of the Black Sabbath album cover (it had a cover of Supernaut as first track - this was the second of two records, but the shop stuck on labels connected them, see). This was in the pre-t'internet days of knowing what every single release will contain, and who will do what on it. Turned out to be most of Ministry, William Rieflin plus a little bit of Jello! Bargain, as they say.

Top Five Record Shops that are or have been in Manchester

1. Eastern Bloc (when it had two bits, and you'd get served by the chap out of 808 State in one of them)
2. Piccadilly Records (when it was near Spin Inn, before Evil Fopp stole it)
3. Spin Inn (before it died a lonely death)
4. Goldmine (before it was bulldozed)
5. That chap's stall in the Corn Exchange (before it was bombed to buggery, and was accidentally gentrified by the IRA)

20. Ocean Colour Scene - Get Blown Away
I had previously been rumbled listening to an OCS song - the mind had wandered, I'd forgotten this window was open. Christ, do you really think I do nothing but record a good couple of hours thoughts in the one post? Do fup off. I feel like the chap revealing that Milli Vanilli mimed but no, sometimes I do other things. And, during those other things, OCS had popped up. ANYWAY. I went back and this was the choice (chosen by me, because it's fantastic). Entirely ripped off from Status Quo (Pictures of Matchstalk Men, and all the better for it), and quite splendid.

Top Five Latin Expressions:

1. Status Quo
2. Quod Erat Demostrandum (as one hopeful bod ended his A Level answer with)
3. Three others.


So there you go. A perfect demonstration of the imbalance of effort to appreciation. I care not (well, maybe a little), I got to have fun even if nobody else did.