GAZE INTO THE FIST OF DREDD!

I ran out of Dredd swears. Soz.

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Indeed.

Come with now, on a journey through time and space the mysterious outer reaches of the musical world, a world inhabited by, well, music. But weird music, the likes of which you have never seen heard before. Unless you have, of course. Oh, and orcs. There might be orcs. But mainly the musics.


1. Blancmange - Wasted
Blancmange should never be wasted. It's tasty goodness should be consumed, savoured, digested and ultimately squeezed out again. What's Blancmange made of? Is it actually organic, or is it just an agglomeration of fluffy pink chemicals? Who cares when it tastes so good! Lovely song, incidentally. Poor, overlooked Blancmange (both band and tasty agglomeration of fluffy pink chemicals).

2. Tom Jones - You Can't Stop Love
Tom puts his rape-threat hat on. And warbles a pleasant, but hardly outstanding little tune whilst he's about it. Orange leather, isn't it.

3. Can - Up The Bakerloo Line With Anne
It's Can, and therefore spunktastic. I could explain why, I could, but then I'd have to knock marks off for musical ignorance. And no one wants that now, do they? DO THEY? Thought not. It's also nearly twenty minutes long, so I shall be back later.

4. Nirvana - Mr. Moustache
That would be a stupid name. I mean, even if he had a moustache, how would his parents have known? That's pressure, that is. Pressure to conform and ultimately grow a moustache (as opposed to growing the ultimate moustache, which would be an entirely different proposition). Imagine if the poor chap had been Amish. Oh, the confusion.

5. EPMD - Strictly Business
Ah, the first golden age of hip hop. Stupid copyright laws, messing with the Scary Rap Dudes. The very definition of quality (well, it's not. Not strictly speaking. Don't use it in an essay or anything).

6. Green Day - Jesus of Suburbia
Poor chap. Nailed to some decking near a water feature. TUNE!

7. The Four Tops - Walk Away, Renee
So much better than the other version it hurts. Owned in the FACE, Left Banke.

8. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Black Tongue
Absolutely fine, just so long as you pay little to no attention to the actual words being sung. That just ruins it.

9. David Essex - Oh! What a Circus
Oh! What a show. And Oh! What a song. Stop looking at me like that.

10. The Minus 5 - Courage is the Smallest Bird
I think you'll find it's actually one of the hummingbirds, dude.

11. The Sweet - Wig Wam Bam
Sex in a tent!

12. Jethro Tull - Reasons for Waiting
Catching a bus, being served in a supermarket, taking food to the customers - hang on, this isn't Family Fortunes at all!

13. The Drifters - Under the Boardwalk
They're no Bruce Willis. He did this AND wrestled a plane.

14. Vanilla Fudge - The Sky Cried When I Was a Boy
That was rain, you spacker.

15. Tenpole Tudor - Swords of a Thousand Men
Bloody great. Wunderbar, even. No, hang on, that was the other song.

16. Turtles - Happy Together
They're no Jason Donovan. He did this AND wrestled a plane wore eight inches of make up.

17. Muse - Muscle Museum
It might be one of the few really good Muse songs but come on - how shit would that museum be?

18. Public Enemy - Terminator X Speaks with his Hands
What is he, a bloody puppeteer?

19. Satan's Pilgrims - Ben Tanaka
There's a man in my office whose name is very reminiscent of Hakuna Matata. I accidentally said "no worries!" to him this morning.

20. Chris Farlowe - Ride on Baby
You'll squash it, you mental pervert! Bet you got that sort of attitude from Chris Langham. Shocking.


Yes. Well. There you have it. No orcs, some musics. And gallons of fun!

BYE.