The sPazAmp is back, and it's about to attack

It isn't really. Well, it is back (again from the past), but it is more likely to gently gum your toes than anything else.

1. James Brown - Doing The Best I Can
You aren't really, are you Jim. You've done loads better than this. Still, at least you aren't trying to shoot your wife, so that has to be a plus. A bit dull really, but then The Payback is far from my favourite James Brown album. Hopefully it will finish soon. Then again it might not, as it is nearly eight minutes long. Ugh.

2. The Black Keys - Just Couldn't Tie Me Down
iTunes likes these far more than I do. Decent enough slightly noisy sub-White Stripes without the irritating drummer.

3. The Monkeywrench - Love is a Spider
This is more like it. Bits of Mudhoney and some bloke from Texas. Sadly only the two albums (which is a piss poor effort in about 14 years). Did I mention I liked it? Slightly poppier/psychier than the first album, but that is no bad thing.

4. The Go! Team - Feelgood by Numbers
From the sublime to the bloody average. Title pretty sums the entire album up, really (although I am quite partial to Bottle Rocket. I typed Ricket first, which would make for a description of violently attacking former Coronation Street actors. Not necessarily a bad thing).

5. The Fall - Lie Dream of a Casino Soul
It's The Fall.

6. Belle & Sebastian - Mayfly
Skip. SKIP (the track, not the action. Skipping would only make me want to vomit even more).

7. Lost Generation - The Sly, Slick and Wicked
This is better. A lovely slice of lush Brunswick Soul, with an odd title.

8. DJ Yoda - Stupid Poo (feat. Treacherous Three & Kool Moe Dee)
Short, fun and full of odd noises.

9. The Mono Men - Lie Detector
Excellent excellent excellent. The Mono Men are ace and everyone should love them. Although they stopped making records a while ago. But that shouldn't stop you sampling their wonderful garage sounds. Man.

10. Outkast - Red Velvet
Hurrah, a Scary Rap Dude. Well, two of them, and they aren't particularly scary. But they are Rap Dudes. And very, very good (well, apart from Andre's disc on that split thing, The Love Below. That's a bit rubbish, especially when compared to Big Boi's, as that has The Rooster on it, and that's ace).

11. Tom Waits - Watch Her Disappear
Get some strepsils. And cheer up.

12. Sixto Rodriguez - Forget It
Why isn't Sixto one of the most famous people in the world? I love this album to bits and he has an ace name. The same does not apply to former Ipswich plodder Sixto Peralta.

13. Dukes of the Stratosphear - 25 O'Clock
Don't like this nearly as much as I did when it first came out. All sounds terribly contrived, now. Although this is possibly the best one on it (no reason on earth for it to be five minutes long, though).

14. Curtis Mayfield - Freddie's Dead
Poor Freddie. Wonder what happened to him. Perhaps he had his brain cleansed by a frog.

15. Wu Tang Clan - Heaterz (feat. CappaDonna)
Scary Rap Dudes ahoy! It's the Wu, motherfucker. Killah beez! Hoez! Bitchez! Z's inztead of S'z! It's great. Wu appreciation should be mandatory (especially whilst doing the hoovering and polishing).

16. Al Green - Here I Am (Come and Take Me)
Scientifically proven to be the bestest Al Green song ever. If you disagree, then, well, you're wrong, aren't you. Can't argue with science. And even if you do, I'll just puts my hands over my ears and say "la la la can't hear you". So there.

17. Quintron - Track 7 from Satan is Dead
No idea if this has a proper title, and I can't be arsed to look it up. Organ based mentalness, ace (not in a rude way).

18. The Meteors - Rockabilly Psychosis
From when the bass player who went on to form The Tall Boys was still in them. He also sings it. Scary Psychobilly Dudes!

19. Tom Jones - Not Responsible
It seems that no random selection would be complete without a Tom Jones song. Which is odd, as it has over 30,000 songs to choose from. A prime slice of Sir Tom, oh yes. Not in a rude way.

20. The Cybermen - Break My Heart
A little chunk of Medway goodness to end on. Not the best though, and a little bit of a disappointing ending. Oh well.

There. I'm off to continue watching Angel Season 1, now.

I bet your toes had a good time, if nothing else.

Films! Films! Films.

Yes, films. A recap of the vast barrel of cinematic shite that I have periodically bobbed for shit apples in this past year.



Devil's Backbone and Pan's Labyrinth (back to back)
I thought I'd start with something "credible", given the filmic depths I shall be plumbing. Both are exceptionally fine films and I can see why Pan's Labyrinth will get such acclaim, but really, it isn't a patch on the earlier film. Devil's Backbone has a finesse, subtlety and quietly affecting demeanour that no amount of sledgehammer bad guys and fancy prosthetic suits can compensate for. Also, it has about fourteen outstanding child performances to Pan's Labyrinth's one.

It also has a man who looks a bit like Kenny Rogers in it, and that's always a winner.

So, yeah. Pan's Labyrinth good, Devil's Backbone quite significantly better (seeing as DB is one of my favourite films ever, PL was always going to have to go some to surpass it in my list of favourite Guillermo del Toro films. As it is, it only manages to make fourth. Yes, behind two of the Blade films and one of the Mimics). Devil's Backbone can pretty much almost make me cry every time I watch it, Pan's Labyrinth is never likely to threaten anything anywhere near it. Also, DB should have won about a gillion awards for it's use of colour alone.


Feast.
Proof that, against all the odds, there is an actual point to Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. I know, it stunned me too. They aren't in it, thankfully (Ben Affleck has a square head and cannot act, Matt Damon has a squarish head and in my head does nothing but shout "MATT DAMON" when on screen these days, thanks to Team America: World Police). No, it's their Project Greenlight Project Initiative Plan to Save the World (or whatever it's called). It produced at least one good film (it may have produced more, I don't really know. Or care)!

Sort of Tremors Extreme. Only without the giant worms, or Kevin Bacon. Or the long preamble. And with huge amounts of added gore. And genuine actual made me laugh funny bits that were actually funny (whilst not spoiling the film). So not much like Tremors at all really, except in having a vaguely comparable central tenet. Conventions? All present and correct. Adhered to? Are they fuck. In the best possible way.

Short, immensely good fun, wildly gory and generally quite ace.


Population 436
Shit. In film form. Has Fred Durst in it. He's the best thing (tiny midget rock boy can actually act! A bit). Still a massive shit cake covered in shit sprinkles and shit sauce. Not good enough for Channel 5. Shit. A waste of my life. Completely shit. Made me feel sorry for Fred Durst, because now no one will find out that he can act (a bit). Because the film is shit, and no one should ever watch it, ever. So gargantuanly shit it made me pine for Underworld Evolution. The two aren't in anyway comparable, unless you want to compare a slightly shit film with a completely fuckingly stupidly ignorantly pointlessly shit film. Which Population 436 is. Shit.

Shit.

It does however have Jeremy Jesus "Joe" Sisto in it, and the only mildly intriguing aspect of the film is wondering why Joe has aged a bit and is wandering around being confused, angry, and shit at acting.


Nightwatch and Daywatch (back to back)
I already loved Nightwatch (all the proof in the world of why Americans should no longer be allowed to make any films involving the supernatural. It should be left to the Japanese, the Koreans and the Russians), so I was a tiny bit disappointed to find that I loved Daywatch slightly less. Only a tiny bit, mind. It's the little touches that make the difference, such as when the security guard is watching the football match on his little television, his team score a goal, he jumps up in excitement and kisses the poster of his football team on the wall behind him, and the tiny little picture of the player looks disgusted and wipes the kiss off. They're both very silly of course, but in an endearing way.


Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Apocalypse (back to back)
The first one is the only watchable adaptation of a game I can think of (Doom doesn't count. It has its moments, but they made a pig's arse of it by conflating all the games and having too much of the crappy third one. If they'd done it more like the actual, proper Doom, it might have been good. As it was, it stunk like a four month old sprout casserole. WHY HAS DEXTER FLETCHER GOT NO LEGS? WHY IS THAT HAIRDRESSER MAN FROM CUTTING IT BABBLING ABOUT GOD? But I digress). Needlessly, nastily and uncomfortably gruesome on at least two occasions. Milla Jovovich quite randomly exhibits her minge to the world and generally mooches about looking pretty. The end. Better than it has any right to be (the film, not Milla's minge. I'm not casting groinal aspersions). I like it (I'm still talking about the film) and I don't care. Even if I hated it I would have been glad it had been made just to watch the inarticulate and poorly spelt outrage expressed by the computer game fanboys on IMDB. IT ISN'T A PIXEL PERFECT RENDITION OF THE ENTIRE GAME LIKE WHAT I PLAYED, I IS GONNA BOMB THE STUDIO INNIT. Twats.

Oh dear, the second one. I like Resident Evil the game. I quite like Castlevania the game. However, I just hope that the Castlevania film is finished before the next Resident Evil film, because then Paul WS Anderson will have made enough shit in a row for me to be allowed to hope that the next Resident Evil film will be bearable. Who keeps giving money to Paul WS Anderson to make films? Who keeps thinking it's a good idea to risk ruining a perfectly decent idea by letting him write/produce/direct/go anywhere near the film? Did they learn nothing from Alien Vs. Predator? Did they learn nothing at all? It's quite bizarre. I quite liked Event Horizon, then he was shit. I quite liked Resident Evil, then he was shit. I wish he would piss off, to be quite honest. RE Apocalypse wasn't perhaps as bad as some of the depths that PWSA is capable of plumbing but, whilst it did pick up over the second half, it was still an exercise in blandness. I was left with a strange yearning to shout at Sienna Guillory until she stood up straight, and then feed her to a zombie dog, the irritating bint. And whilst keeping her minge under wraps, Milla does exhibit her tits to the world for little apparent reason. I say tits, I mean unfeasibly gargantuan nipples. You could hang a duffle coat off them (if you were a proper weirdo).


Underworld and Underworld Evolution (back to back)
Oh dear. Kate (as adorable as she is. There are people for whom watching her larking about in leather with permanently furrowed brow for hours would be the entire point of the film) really isn't anywhere near fierce enough to be a scary vampire "death dealer". "Oh, I say, you really should behave. I'm a really quite fearsome person I'll have you know. Please stop, you're being ever so naughty and I fear I may be compelled to be really quite harsh with you. Shall I instruct the maid to fetch some tea?" Actual script excerpt, that. Or it may as well be. The second one is actually much better, which I found unusual (after the dismality of the first one, I feared for my sanity when embarking on Evolution). And, on the massively plus side, Kate doesn't put on an incredibly awful accent, unlike in ...


Van Helsing
Van Shitsing. It seemed to last a month, and every second was filled with Hugh Peahead Jackman shaped agony. Kate looked lovely though (despite sounding like a retarded Irish/South African hybrid).


Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe
So rubbish that I wanted to bomb Narnia. NOT EVERYONE WORE THE SAME HAT IN THE 1940s. BEAVERS ARE NOT CAB DRIVERS. Not even in Canada, Joe. Absolutely fucking awful.


Night Skies
So rubbish I went voluntarily blind and deaf. THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED ANOTHER ALIEN ABDUCTION SHITATHON. FUCK OFF. It's not out until next year, so there is still time to save yourselves. *timely edit* I think it's out now, so if you didn't read this elsewhere and save yourself, it may well be too late. Soz *end timely edit*


Dawn of the Dead
The new version. Didn't disturb as much as it did when I saw it at the cinema. I had trouble sleeping for ages that time. Sarah Polley wanders around looking vacant, as is usual for Sarah Polley (possibly in an endearing fashion, I can never decide. Regardless, she looks permanently ripped to the tits on heroin). The music is the best bit, I reckon, especially the slightly incongruous songs. Still not convinced by the sprinting zomboids, it detracts a little something from the point of them I think. Sympathy, that's it. They become far too active, far too intentionally threatening, and it removes the sense of helplessness from them, undermining the idea that it isn't their fault and that they are being driven by something more insidious - much like their pre-zomboid selves at the mall, which is the point. Still, it manages to keep the consumerism critique of the original, and Ving Rhames is awesome playing Ving Rhames (like he always does). And it has the obligatory Tom Savini cameo.


Pitch Black and Chronicles of Riddick (back to back)
Why do I do this to myself? I don't mind the first one, apart from the fact that Vin can't speak properly "mumble rumble mumble mumble rumble I've got giantism mumble". Speak clearly, tosspot. I have to have the volume so loud to hear what he's saying that I go deaf the minute anyone else speaks. I made it two thirds of the way through Chronicles before giving up and having to resist the strong urge to poo in an envelope and post it to Vin and the people who made the film, to see how they like it.


Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny
Laughed my tits off. In a good way. Yes it's childish, but it knows it's childish. Kyle is just splendidly endearing enough to counter balance Jack and his over the top-ness. Meatloaf! Dio! Ben Stiller dressed as Dio in a Dio wig! Dave Grohl as the Devil! Great songs (I may be in a minority on this part, but I don't care)!
Who can resist the Devil singing "Check this riff it's fucking tasty" during the rock-off? Or KG's cheerily sung "he's gonna rape me if we do not blow doors down!"? I know I can't! But I bet millions can.


The Rocky Horror Picture Show
For the gillionth time. Disregarding the annoying hordes of over obsessive fanboys, it's still a mightily enjoyable film. And Lee/Hero still looks like Riff Raff. Und I did.


Dragon
I managed ten minutes before the dreadful attempts at "acting" hurt my brain. Sorry, film. Actually, no, I'm not sorry, you deserved it.


Severance
Danny Dyer is one of the world's most irritating cockheads. But he is surprisingly bearable in a pleasantly diverting film. Best bit? When the over keen employee cooks the pie he "finds" in what they think is the lodge they're meant to be going to for a team-bonding thing (it isn't, of course). That in itself isn't particularly good (oh look, it's someone else's pie, it has a human tooth in it blah blah), it's the little exchange when he indignantly defends his actions of cooking a pie he found "but I cooked it for the full hour!" "an hour? Did it have instructions?" "No, but it's pie". You had to be there.


Heaven's Soldiers
Mighty fine little Korean film about a near future, newly united Korea. They've developed a nuke, but now have to hand it over to the US because they aren't allowed to keep it. None of them are particularly happy about this, but the North Korean contingent have gone a stage further and hatched a secret plan to steal the nuke. They try to escape with it, the others give pursuit, all very normal so far. Then a comet (which passes over once every 433 years) passes and contrives to send them back to 1572. Cue lots of culture clashes, trying to find out how to get back and so forth, with the added complication of being thrown together with someone who they know goes on to become the great Korean general Lee Soon-Shin (who saved Korea from a Japanese invasion). Hugely entertaining. The funny bits are very funny, the battle sequences have you on the edge of your seat, you end up becoming very attached to the displaced soldiers and the somewhat unlikely looking future saviour of a nation, the fragile nature of a reuniting of Korea is a subtle undercurrent and you learn a bit of Korean history to boot. Wonderful.


Saw II
I didn't mind Saw, but the second one appeared to be made by a group of enthusiastic molluscs who hadn't seen the first and anyway just wanted to make a really shit film where people got stabbed up, badly.


Saw III
Better than the second one, not as good as the first. Managed to be both infuriatingly confusing and simplistically patronising - no mean feat. Didn't have a clue what was going on for about an hour, then spent the following half hour sitting through a torturously tedious overexplanation of what had been happening. Here's an idea - why not just make a good film (like the first one) where you are a little bit confused for a while, then it all becomes crashingly clear in a brief moment of revelation? Well? WELL? I bet the new one isn't very good, either.


Daredevil
The only thing I can bring my brain to formulate with regards to Daredevil is how I was fascinated throughout by Ben Affleck's curious approximation of the human action of running. He appeared to be impersonating Graham Norton stuck in treacle whilst wearing lead boots (although to be impersonating it, it would imply that such footage existed. And, if it did/does, then it would make a better film than Daredevil).



Believe it or not, those are probably the highlights

See that art up there? It's cracking, that's what it is. As is the art over on Mutant Rock. I know I've said it before - I'll say it again and I'll keep on saying it.

Anyways, that's the handiwork of one Mister Andy Hart, hence the rather laboured splendid play on words in the thread title. And you should click on that link to enquire about viewing his wider portfolio (there is no way of saying that to make it sound not rude), proffering commissions, making requests, or just generally bombarding him with fanmail. The link'll be added over on the left there, so there's really no need to print this post off and glue it to the wall behind your monitor. Besides, that wouldn't really be much use anyway as you'd be hard pushed to click the link on a piece of paper.

Support your local Hartistic genius. Even if he isn't actually local.

Last one for tonight...

Having fun? No? Do I care? No.

Well, the boredom levels have reached the level sufficient for me to waste as many as twenty amusing comments about random songs by typing them into here for no one to read whilst I listen to the songs themselves.

As you can see, I have given up punctuation for lent. Is it lent? I had no idea quite how far my catholicism had lapsed. I don't even know when lent is. Well, it's around here somewhere, I guess.

1. The Small Faces - Here Come The Nice
That's nice. Ha, I am so funny. And clever. See, because the title has the word "nice" in it, and then I said the song was nice, and THAT'S THE SAME WORD. HA. I did warn you about the boredom levels. It is nice, though, no more and no less. Which is a polite way of saying "pretty average" really.

2. The Anti-Nowhere League - I Hate People
AND THEY HATE ME. Apparently it's a remix. I don't remember them doing remixes, to be honest. It's not the Fatboy Slim kind of remix, I think they just made it a teensy bit louder or something, or included a little more of Animal growling perhaps. Really rather ace, although it would have been better had it been Snowman or Woman. Or So What. Or Streets of London. I Hate People, my fifth favourite ANWL song, apparently (I know some of you are keeping charts, oddballs).

3. Thee $ta$h - Should I Suck or Should I Blow
Indeed. Fuck off, The Clash, your version was shit. HA. That told them. I can be so cleverly cutting, sometimes. It's Billy Childish and some of his mates covering Clash songs, having a bit of a dig at the Clash for being corporate lapwhores or something, and generally have a whale of a no-fi time whilst they do it. Other songs in the series include "We're Selling Jeans for the USA". Splendid.

4. The Wipers - Let Me Know
It's alright, I suppose. Certainly no Return of the Rat or D-7. But then it's off Land of the Lost and not Is This Real? which probably explains something, although I'm not sure what. I don't think they specify what it is they want me to tell me, which is a bit shoddy of them, if you ask me. To be honest, it's a bit shoddy of them even if you don't ask me, which you're unlikely to, to be fair. It sort of sounds like The Ramones, but with a determinable tune and vague musical ability.

5. The Milkshakes - The Klansman Cometh
I'm sure it chose this one last time, so you can go and look what I wrote about it there instead. Probably something about it being poorly titled, an instrumental, and not all that good, really.

6. The Ultramagnetic MCs - Watch Me Now
I think they're about to do a wheelie on their grifter, or something. I suppose I better do as they ask, wouldn't want to miss something like a wheelie on a grifter (sodding difficult to do, considering as the grifter has been scientifically proven to be the World's Heaviest and Widest Bike Ever. It's true, ask Norris McWhirter. You could cycle down the middle of the road and scratch cars on BOTH sides with the handlebars). Top class hip hop from a top class bunch at the height of their top class powers. Top class. Kool Keith wasn't the best hip hop name ever, though (although not the worst, I reckon that honour goes to Rodney O).

7. Action Swingers -
Untitled last track of their eponymous debut. A noisy, chaotic, wonderful two minutes. Fun, of sorts.

8. The Prisoners - Nobody Wants Your Love
They don't, you know, so stop trying to give it to people unannounced. That sort of behaviour can lead to court orders and the like. So I've been told, that is. If I have to tell you again how The Prisoners were one of the greatest bands ever to bestride kent the world like a tune-filled hammond-powered musical colossus, then you are clearly DEAF. And possibly BLIND too, as I am typing this and not saying it with my mouth. DRINK YOUR WEAK LEMON DRINK NOW.

9. Colloseum - Theme Three: The Grass is Always Greener
I like Colloseum because they had Chris Farlowe singing for them. However, this is an instrumental from Valentyne Suite, so it loses several hundred marks. An unthreatening middle-of-the-road heavy-prog-esque effort. Nothing to write home about (should you be away from home and feel the need to inform your abode what you are listening to in postal fashion. Which is a bit odd, as houses have neither eyes nor language comprehension skills. Oddballs).

10. GLC - Makin' Money
It has swearing in it and was recorded in a toilet with particularly poor acoustics. Not their best, although it does rhyme "ginsters" with "sphincters", so it isn't entirely without merit.

11. HMHB - Reflections in a Flat
Ooh, my favourite off the first album. Well done iTunes. My story seems so tragic/Ali Bongo's good at contortionism.

12. Mudhoney - Six Two One
Ah, the sweet, riotous sound of glorious escape from major label hell. Off my second favourite Mudhoney record "Five Dollar Bob's Mock Cooter Stew" (for those of wishing to update your charts).

13. The Bostweeds - Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill!
Aceness beyond words. So I shan't try.

14. Helios Creed - "Nugg" The Transport
I have no idea whether nugg is the name of transport, or a verb that The Creed (as no one calls them) are exhorting us to perform to "the transport". And given that I've been listening to this song for many years now (not continuously obviously, that would be daft), then I guess you'd have even less idea. I think we should just give it a nugging, just in case. It's splendid space rock stuff, if you're wondering.

15. Chuck Berry - Run, Run, Rudolph
And it isn't even Christmas! Madness!

16. The Fall - I am Damo Suzuki
It's-uh really quite good-uh. But I guess you already knew that-uh.

17. Mark Lanegan - Hit the City
About time he made an appearance. It's Lanegan, therefore it is fucking superb, as you well know.

18. Elvis Presley - Fort Lauderdale Chamber of Commerce
It defies description, to be honest. I could try, but what would be the point? Oh, it's shit, too.

19. Van Der Graaf Generator - Aquarian
As much as I like this (and I really, really like it, the entire album is an aural splendour with few equals), it snuck into my head at an early stage that he is actually singing about aquariums instead. I am yet to decide if this improves the song or not. "We're all aquariums". Perhaps it doesn't.

20. Freelance Hairdresser - Bring the Beanbag (PE Vs Herb Alpert)
Sublime, utterly sublime. What better way to finish than with Chuck D having fun along with the It's a Knockout theme tune? Essential listening, provided you have slightly malfunctioning ears, like me.

Don't worry, the fun will continue another time. Whether you like it or not.

Back from the musical depths of time...

...or some such shit. I'm running out of ways to a) introduce these things and b) indicate it is one from the past. This one seems to have been a Christmas one, from the looks of it. Whizzo!

It's been a while, and in the intervening time my iTunes has become more, ahem, representative as more of my, ahem, "interesting" likes have nestled into the bosom of musical world. They've got themselves comfy, put their feet up and are helping themselves to the donut flavoured skips (they SO existed).

Buckle up, it might be a bumpy ride. Or it might just get obsessed with Tom Jones again, the technotarded software.

1) Unsane - Trench
My mistake, it's obsessed with Unsane again. To be quite honest with you, even I sometimes have trouble telling the songs apart, and I really like them. It's one of the loud thumpy grindy ones with indistinct vocals. Yes, I know, that's all of them.

2) The Constantines - Steal this Sound
I've not listened to this yet, I only have it on Joe's recommendation (I've not known him be wrong before on a recommendation - your reputation is on the LINE, mister). It's not too bad, really, on first listen. Quite intriguing. I shall withold any formal judgement until I hear more. It reminds me of about nine other bands (all from about 1991), but I can't think who.

3) The Milkshakes - The Klansman Cometh
Never understood the title. It's an instrumental and not anywhere near being their best one (and I'm obsessed with all things Medway, so if I say it, it is quite obviously incontestable FACT). Oh well. StupiDunes(tm).

4) Quintron - Track 3 from Satan is Dead
Ah, this is more like it. Bontempi madness ahoy! Splendid splendid splendid. It's not quite an instrumental, as he is singing into a toilet for bits of it.

5) The Hooligans - Juanita Banana
Go on, eat a banana. At least that's what it sounds like. This song is INDESCRIBABLY excellent. And always, always, makes me laugh. I wish I knew if it were meant to. Those crazy Mexicans from the 60s with their singing and their songs and their bananas.

6) Party Ben - Prodigy Vs The Hives; Hate to Smack Your Bitch Up
Does exactly what it says on the tin. Only not very well. Ho hum.

7) The Fall - Container Drivers (live at Acklam Hall)
If I have to comment on this at you, I shall write a stern letter to your parents. Yes, all of them - I have lots of time and lots of stamps. You have been warned.

8) Pink Floyd - A New Machine Part One
Now, I like my Floyd, this is well documented indeed, but this wouldn't have been my first choice. And why are they insisting on assembling this new machine one part at time? Surely they could afford all the bits at once AND someone to assemble it for them? Tightwads.

9) Van Der Graaf Generator - The Emperor in His War-Room
Good GOD but I keep forgetting how ugly Thom Yorke is. Gurning boz-eyed weasel faced muntmonster. He's on telly now, on the turgid trawl through shite that is this weeks Jools WHERE IS MY NECK Holland (who has thankfully been visually absent, the no-necked monstrosity). Good job I have it on mute and FUCKING WONDERFUL music to listen to. If you don't all own this record by the end of this post, I am kidnapping your gerbils. Yes, all of them. I have a lot of time and a lot of free hutch-space. You have been warned.

10) Thee Mighty Caesars - Young Man Afraid of His Horses
Now this IS one of Billy's best instrumentals. Still don't understand the title though.

11) Fun Lovin' Criminals - We are all very worried about you
THEY'RE worried about me? I'M worried about me! I bought this? WHY DAVID, WHY? oh yes, for the last two songs, I remember now.

12) Jethro Tull - For a Thousand Mothers
Hm, it was on iTunes as "For a Thosand Mothers", I shall have to correct that. It has flutes. Well, just one flute. And just the one leg!

13) Tad - Habit & Necessity
Everybody's favourite enormously fat butcher. Apart from Fred Elliot, of course, but Fred Elliot doesn't make wonderfully grinding loud songs. Well, not anymore. And Phantom of the Opera doesn't count, anyway.

14) Zoot Money & The Big Roll Band - The Mound Moves
That must be disturbing. Imagine settling down for a good night in, only for it to start moving BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES. I am of course talking about the venerable pastime of hill watching and not, as you may have thought, any form of oral sex. Good song though, fantastic organ, hur hur.

15) Tumor Circus - Hazing For Success
Fucking brilliant. I put this on the last mix I made. I might put it on every single future one, too. Go on, listen to it, punish your ears. Although not as good as Meathook Up My Rectum (the song, not the manner of being strung up alive in Fred Elliot's storeroom).

16) The Mono Men - Phantom on Lane 12
My recommendation would be to use lane 10 or something. Or better still, don't go fucking bowling at all, you retard. The Most Annoying Person at Work goes fucking bowling. Then she tells me about it. Why the fuck does she think I care? WHY? It's not as if I can even bring myself to look at her when she speaks full stop, let alone when she is talking about going fucking bowling. She eats like a pig too, the ignorant cockweasel. It's an instrumental.

17) The Small Faces - Afterglow (of your love)
One of the bestest songs in the history of bestest songs! I loves it! Very possibly to bits! And so should you! IF YOU KNOW WHATS GOOD FOR YOU.

18) The Walkmen - Hang on Siobhan
No, don't, let go Siobhan! It's for the best. Somewhat average. At least the ugly bands have left the telly.

19) Mudhoney - This Gift
Well it is christmas. Worship at the altar of magnificence that is Mudhoney's ENTIRE career. Except perhaps for bits of Piece of Cake. Okay, perhaps lots of it. But the rest of it- WORSHIP. Or the evil music fairies will make you like James Blunt and then you'll become infested with nematode worms and eke out your remaining years as a shit music liking worm-ridden shell of a person. In other words, a Stereophonics fan.

20) Del Raney's Umbrellas - Can Your Hossie Do The Dog?
No, no he can't. What an odd question to be asked, especially by some umbrellas.

I'd like to say that was fun, but the typing obscured some of the best music and I had to look at Thom Yorke's twisted arsepit of a mutant monkey face for some of it, so it wasn't.

BAH.

More soon. Contain your rampant anticipatory joy.

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You...

... because I did.

1. HMHB - Floreat Inertia
Not exactly my favourite HMHB track taken from not exactly my favourite HMHB album (This Leaden Pall). Not the most auspicious of starts. Ho hum.

2. Billy Childish - Girl on the Beach
Bloody iTunes. I never listen to the spoken word stuff, and it should bloody well know this. It's a sodding conspiracy.

3. Betty Adams - Make it Real (Ride On)
Ah, this is more like it. Even if iTunes did insist on choosing the version off of the David Holmes album "Come Get It I Got It" which has made me want to abandon the random element and listen to the whole mix.

4. The Mummies - Come On Up
Splendid. Raucous, splendid and splendidly raucous. The more I look at the word "raucous", the weirder it looks.

5. The Bristols - So Fine
If only it was. Still, I don't think they'd get far if they were too honest and called it "so average and more than a little underwhelming".

6. Jello Biafra with Mojo Nixon & The Toadliquors - Burgers of Wrath
Not as good as "Let's Go Burn Ole Nashville Down", "Are You Drinkin' With Me Jesus", "Hamlet Chicken Plant Disaster" or "Love Me I'm a Liberal", but pleasant all the same. In fact, all the evidence points to it being about the fifth most pleasant track on the album. Faint praise and all that.

7. Thee Headcoats - Slide
An instrumental, with some splendid Bruce Brand trap rattling. What an odd phrase "trap rattling" is. Sounds like someone having a particularly violent shit. I'm not going to say it ever again.

8. Leatherface - Colorado Joe Leningrad Vlad
It's the live version. I love Leatherface, but I don't want to listen to the live version. I want the studio version. Stupid sPazzTunes.

9. Prodigy - Been Up Long (falsedawn)
From the Prodigyremixed effort, "Always Outsiders Never Outdone". Whilst it is a distinct improvement on the official effort, it's still not knocking my socks off. More sort of gently tugging at them. Which is a bit disturbing, as I still have shoes on.

10. The Fire Dept. - You're Too Much
Seems to like The Fire Dept., does my iTunes. Which is entirely fine by me, as they were smart.

11. MC5- Sister Anne
Never be tempted to a MC5 completist. Your ears will not thank you, believe me.

12. The Sonics - On The Road Again
However, being a Sonics completist is both easy and fun.

13. HMHB - Yipps (My Baby Got The)
This is much more like it. A favoured HMHB track from a contender for my favourite HMHB album (McIntyre, Treadmore & Davitt). "So I ran to the Bear, but he didn't care. I guess he's not a care bear".

14. Ghostface Killah - Black Jesus (feat. Raekwon & U-God)
You couldn't make up segueways like that, no one would believe you. A fine effort from the finest Ghostface album (I don't care what anyone else says, Ironman is the best one).

15. Nirvana - Beeswax
Ooh, I've not listened to this in ages. Oh, that's why, he sounds like he is gargling with Domestos. Not my Nirvana 'rarity' of choice.

16. Squeeze - King George Street
For the LAST time, iTunes, I DO NOT listen to anything of the Squeeze album after "Labelled With Love".

17. Kid Koala - Annie's Parlor
It's Kid Koala. I'm sure you not what to expect. I prefer Robochacha and Skanky Panky, but it's good all the same. Nice trombone. Hmm, that sounds like I'm trying to pacify an angered element of the brass section. There there, nice trombone, good trombone.

18. Jennifer Gentle - Universal Daughter
Whereas the last Jennifer Gentle effort iTunes chose in this kind of exercise sounded like it was sung by a hybrid of Vic Reeves in club singer mode and Ernie off of Sesame Street's Bert & Ernie, this one always sounds remarkably like it's being sung by Joe Pasquale. Don't let that put you off though, it's still rather splendid.

19. JCS - Herod's Song
The Mike D'Abo effort off the original recording, rare instance of one being surpassed by the version on the film soundtrack (thingy Mostel puts far more spite into the second half, which is how it bloody well should be. Why? BECAUSE I SAY SO). Although I do like the camply indignant way he closes with "get OUT of my LIFE".

20. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - Billericay Dickie
A fine choice to end on. In the space of one verse he rhymes nina, cortina, hyena, obscener, cleaners, misdemeanours and ribena. Which is good enough for me.

I can do this until the cows come home. So if your cows have gone somewhere, just await their return and you'll be fine.

Again! Again! Again!

Again! Again? Again! Again.

1. Jethro Tull - Round
Further evidence that iTunes would be a poor choice of lawyer to represent you. It could get you hanged with its criminal misrepresentations. I mean, I like Jethro Tull and all, but really, you'd think they consituted about 75% of my bloody collection or something. Honestly. It's probably nearer 60%.

2. The Len Bright Combo - (Swimming Against) The Tide of Reason
And now it is making a fool of my claims of openness and the like, making me look like I'm fixing it so I only list the instances when it plays what is quite clearly one of the best songs in the world EVER. Ever. Ev..no, I did the Outkast joke last time. Oh, and in case anyone missed the other nine gillion times I mentioned it, this is the song Belle & Sebastian shamelessly ripped off in order to construct Lazyline Painter Jane. And it is absolutely wonderful.

3. Chris Isaak - Wicked Game
This is more like it. Um, in the random choosingness with no shame stakes, that is. Look, I can't help what I like. I can't. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT. One day, you'll all realise you were wrong. And, just for the record, yes, I like 'Blue Hotel' as well, so there.

4. The Black Keys - Just Couldn't Tie Me Down
Bit dull, really. It's off Rubber Factory, which isn't as good as Thickfreakness. And I only own this because I owned Thickfreakness and really quite liked it. Ho hum. But Thickfreakness is quite good. Well, for a while, at any rate. I lose interest after about five songs. I'm not really selling them very well, am I.

5. Roxy Music - Could It Happen To Me
Depends on what you mean by 'it' Bryan. Be more specific man. If you mean the lottery, then I think you are being a bit greedy, to be honest. You've got loads of money. Plus. you'd probably only spend it on a fleet of special horses for your mongy son to go off hunting small mammals on.

6. Pink Floyd - The Narrow Way (Part Two)
Oh for heavens' sake. First Pink Floyd song it has chosen (as I recall), and it has to be one of the, um, less entertaining. It's alright in the context of the album as a whole, but not really on its own.

7. Mudhoney - You Got It (Keep it Outta My Face)
Cheers, and no problem - I'd be a bit weird if I went round waving it in people's faces, to be quite frank.

8. Puressence - Planet Helpless
Title track, but not my favourite (neither is the album). Charming enough, though.

9. The Electric Prunes - Bangles
Sadly not a musical biopic of, well, The Bangles. Utterly forgettable, but not the worst on the album, not by a long way. This is the album with The Toonerville Trolley on it, for fuck's sake.

10. Tom Jones - Ain't That a Lot of Love
It's all relative, Tom. Although you do seem to be comparing with Mick Fucking Hucknall. It's shit. Utter shit. Wank. Bloody awful. I might be a Tom Jones fan, but I'm neither deaf nor stupid.

11. Negativland - U2 (1991 Acapella Mix)
Entertaining, really quite grand, just a bit too long, really. A nice palate cleanser though, displacing the sour taste left by Mick Hucknall. Misinterpret that if you wish, but it is only your own sanity at risk.

12. Spencer Davis Group - I'm a Man
So am I! Let's form a society! On the other hand, fuck off - this might be a decent song, but you also churned out loads of shit and spawned the solo career of Steve Winwood. And that was unforgivable.

13. The Milkshakes - Did I Tell You
I think you mentioned it once or twice, yes.

14. Kyra - Do Things Right
Further proof that the pre-eminence of Holly Golightly compared to her former bandmates is utterly puzzling.

15. The Mighty Caesars - The Wiseblood
Yes, it's good. It's wonderful. I'm sick of telling you, you never listen. Bunch of bloody tone deaf ignoramuseseseseses, ignorami. Heathens one and all.

16. The Wildebeests - Couldn't Say You Were Wrong
That is one hell of a specific speech defect.

17. Sam Cooke - That's Where It's At
Where? Where Sam? BE MORE SPECIFIC. Bloody popstars. You're as bad as bloody Ferry.

18. Kid Koala - Flu Season
It's very short and has sneezes on it.

19. Flossie & The Unicorns - Free Guitar Lessons for Animals
I still haven't forgiven you for this, Stoof. If I ever feel a twinge of guilt over infecting your brain with Rabbit by Chas'n'Dave, I listen to this (well, preferably I'd only remember listening to this, then shudder) and feel absolved.

20. The Artistics - I'm Gonna Miss You
Aw, I'll miss you too. Don't forget to write!

That was less fun than before. Law of diminishing returns and all that. Or I might just be grumpy because it made me listen to Flossie & The Unicorns.

Again? You fucking bet. Not the one with Matthew Fucking Kelly, though.

Once more into the sPazTune...

Yeah, it's another one. Another old one. Enjoy yourself like Tom Sizemore with a party pack of hookers and a video camera. Actually, don't. I'd rather you enjoyed yourself to the same level as that, not in the same manner as the original statement might imply. Ew.

This seems to be turning into something of an obsession. The things I'll do in order to avoid working...

1. Clear Light - She's Ready to be Free
Instant success from the generally technospazzy iTunes. The finest Clear Light song (I know they only had the one album, but it is a mighty fine album) and one of the best songs in the world EVER. Ever. Ever ever? Sorry, turned into Outkast a little there.

2. Jack Ketch & The Crowmen - Mass Ignorance Culture
Recorded in a toilet. Not 'toilet' as in the room, but I suspect from within the bowl of the appliance itself. With homemade instruments, possibly. There are worse songs, but there are also better songs.

3. Monster Magnet - Black Balloon
One of the mellower moments on Superjudge, and second only to Dinosaur Vacume for splendidness on that album (Evil (Is Going On) doesn't count, as it is an inferior re-recording of the wonderful 12" version. Else it would have been first on the album, and Black Balloon third).

4. Kool Moe Dee - They Want Money
He means women. They just want his money, because he has a Benz 190, 2.5 you know where to find me (him). Top stuff from a largely overlooked album from Mr. Dee.

5. Cat Stevens - Sad Lisa
Really should get round to removing the majority of this album. Utter cack.

6. DJ Mark The 45 King - The Red The Black The Green
For the last time, iTunes, it is NOT still the late eighties. Also, get over your 45 King obsession, it's unhealthy and is preventing you selecting Run DMC, JVC Force or Stetsasonic.

7. Mark Lanegan Band - Bombed
Sublime, quite sublime.

8. The Monomen - Tomahawk
Superior rifftastic grinding garage instrumental. Garagemental.

9. Mudhoney - Poisoned Water Poisons the Mind (BBC Session)
iTunes is really surpassing itself today. Three splendidnesses in a row (and to be fair, the 45 King wasn't bad. Only the Cat Stevens was a stinker).

10. Jennifer Gentle - The Strumpfhose Melodie
Utterly, wonderfully, charmingly potty. Even if it is being partly sung by a hybrid of Burt/Ernie and Vic Reeves in club singer mode.

11. Slick Rick - Kit (What's the Scoop)
Inestimably better than the last Slick Rick song it chose, but still showing a disturbing lack of artist variety when it dips into the old skool.

12. The Who - Pictures of Lily (BBC Session)
It does seem to like the ol' BBC Sessions, does iTunes. This one DOES widdle all over the original.

13. Soul Searchers - Ashley's Roachclip
A splendid example of the funkdulgence in full effect. I got the funk. I'm tempted to say "i'm oooold gregg!" and "mangina!" and this point.

14. Flower Travellin' Band - Heaven & Hell
Slightly mental Japanese heavy rock from the early seventies. Suitably splendid.

15. Bad Karma Beckons - Big Boy Blues
BIG BOY BIG BOY BIG BOY BLUES READ ALL ABOUT IT THIS IS FRONT PAGE NEWS. Crap lyrics, belting song. Two singers, too, which is weird (also, you can't tell).

16. The Mummies - Shake
The spirit of Sam Cooke chanelled through the avatars of Budget Rock. In your FACE, Otis.

17. Inspiral Carpets - Dragging Me Down
A prime slice of choice Inspiraldom. They'd more or less grown out of wholesale theft of Prisoners tunes, and the world decided to ignore them. The BASTARDS (the world that is, not the Inspirals). I'd have preferred Generations or Bitches Brew, but this'll do.

18. Leatherface - I Want the Moon
Fucking brilliant. I cannot understate how fucking wonderful Leatherface are/were. Unfortunately, nor can I understate how stupidly ignored they were. Sorry for the swearing, but the song is angry, shouty and sweary. Not Superstitious & Not a Day Goes By just edge it out, but it's all good. Fucking good, in fact.

19. Velvet Underground - Rock & Roll
Oh, you've gone and ruined it ALL, iTunes. Stupid cocking software.

20. Silver Bullet - 20 Seconds to Comply
Oh okay, I'll let you off, you've redeemed yourself, just. Although you did put that stupid Cat Stevens song on. Double or quits, heads or tails - you have one more song and if it's rubbish, then I'm not going to talk to you for a WEEK.

21. Elvis Presley - Suspicious Minds (That's The Way It Is - Live)
A touch of overkill there, iTunes? You only had to make up for two ropey songs, not exterminating the dinosaurs, or attempted omnicide or something. Utter, utter genius.

Top stuff, even if I do type so myself.

The sPazTune hits its stride...

It's a wonky, disturbing stride, but it hits it regardless. It's hits it repeatedly and doesn't stop hitting it until it has beaten it to a pulp. It's savage that way. Here we go again...




I'm feeling emboldened by buggering off from work early, so what more productive way to spend the bonus time than by daring iTunes to choose what I listen to. Well, yes, there are lots of more productive ways to spend the bonus time, I am quite well aware of that. But there will be time to make crumpets later.


1. Sexton Ming - Birds With Teeth
He says 'chimleys' in it. If you any further recommendation than that, then you need help.

2. The Electric Prunes - Get Me To The World On Time
Good Effort - the albums only has three good songs on it, and it chose one of them. I'm struggling to think of an album that contrasts such high points with such an alarming amount of filler.

3. Dennis Wilson - You Are So Beautiful (Live)
No, I don't see how he manages to sing like that when he can barely speak, either.

4. The Prisoners - I'm Looking For You
With a bassline nicked from Stranger on the Town by The Damned. Still, they used it bloody well. Also contains various elements that, when viewed correctly, make The Inspiral Carpets seem like an oddly named tribute band.

4a. Mudhoney - .28
It's 28 seconds long. It isn't a song. I'm not going to count it.

5. The Milkshakes - Shimmy Shimmy
Ah, it's on a roll, a great big Medway roll. Top stuff.

6. Curtis Mayfield - Junkie Chase
Well, until now, when it has chosen to make its regular funk indulgence. Funkdulgence. Everyone should have a funkdulgence now and again. I have several a day.

7. Kid Koala - Stompin' at Le Savoi
Harmonica AND scratching. It's the song that has everything.

8. DJ Mark The 45 King - First Choice
Yes, there was more to him than the 900 Number, much more. Well, at least pretty good albums. This one isn't the best though. It certainly wouldn't be my, ahem, first choice.

9. Buff Medways - Fire
Well this is no fun. Well it is fun, as I often listen to it and think it's splendid. But that isn't the point. Show me the tarnished underbelly of my music collection, iTunes, and do it now!

10. DJ Yoda - Yoda's 80 Pop Megamix (feat. Rick Astley, Bomb the Bass, Hall & Oates, Five Star, Taylor Dayne)
Nice try, iTunes, but this is far too good to constitute a tarnished underbelly. Everyone should be forced to own all three Cut'n'Paste albums. And I can still name all of Five Star (and their Dad). I know some of you are taking notes.

11. Jethro Tull - Son
As a wise man once said to me about Queen, it really is a concern being a completist for a band with a three gillion year career, on account of the occasional decade of shite they spill forth. Happily, this song doesn't form part of that, being as it is from Benefit and utterly grand. Moreover, I cunningly avoided that very pitfall by consigning everything they recorded after, ooh, Heavy Horses to the very back of the record collection and not letting them ever see the light of day. May you rot in hell, Crest of a Knave.

12. Unsane - Blood Boy
iTunes seems to think it is compulsory to include some bands every time. WHY? There's sodding thousands upon thousands upon thousands of songs in there, and many many many artists. As much as I like Unsane, you don't have to put one in every time, you technospaz. It's very good, by the way, an instrumental, if you're interested.

13. Edgar Broughton Band - Freedom
Ah, Edgar. What a wonderful, wonderful band you had. Shame no bugger cares except me. Oh, and David Holmes (well, for one song).

14. Andre Williams - Bacon Fat
Only very marginally inferior to the incomparable Jail Bait. Ha'mercy, indeed.

15. The Prime Movers - Misled
Ooh, my favourite Prime Movers song, lovely. It was also clearly the Charlatans favourite, as they nicked every little last bit of it they could, and then repeated it in their own inimitable, hamfister, tone deaf way. For several decades. Hamfister was a typo by the way, but I think it suits them well enough not to change it.

16. The Who - The Seeker (BBC Session)
Not my favourite Who song, but then it is up against some very stiff competition indeed. S'alright, I suppose. Doesn't swagger quite as much as the regular version. I've had it pointed out to me that this view is apparently erroneous, but I don't care.

17. Jethro Tull - A New Day Yesterday
Seems to be Jethro Tull day today. Another corker, mind, one of the best adverts for the ROCK FLUTE ever (every band should have one, along with a Basalt Bassoon and Metamorphic Mandolin).

18. Revolting Cocks - Attack Ships...(12" Version)
The other half of the title is the other song on the b-side (it's called ...On Fire). Noisy, good, enormous rumbling bass. Good. It's no Beers, Steers & Queers, though.

19. Hawkwind - Silver Machine
Wonderful stuff. Would have been better if it had chosen it to end on, though. Mind you, it probably thinks it is doing as it didn't hear me telling it that .28 didn't count. Stupid earless software.

20. Ronnie Cook & The Gaylads - Goo Goo Muck
A grand way to finish. Plus, it makes you wonder - I have about three trillion Cramps albums on there, and it hasn't chosen a single one yet. Well, it makes ME wonder.

That was fun. I may have tired of it now, though.




I was wrong, I hadn't tired of it. You may well come to wish I had.

The Lesson Continues (sPazAmp #2)

The sPazAmp/Tune exploded happily, healthily and disgustingly into life, so I thought I'd let it do the same here. Of a similar vintage to the last one (don't worry, I'm not going to trawl through every single one I've done. Or am I?), all in the interests of breaking you in gently. Hurr.



Right, having made myself a giant curry (I didn't use real giants, obviously. Too expensive) and, more importantly, eaten the first instalment of it (economy of scale), I feel reinvigorated enough to subject myself to the random experience once more.

Besides, I feel there is a real shortage of utter tripe/underappreciated majesty around (delete as you see fit - I know where my money is going, it played three Tom Jones at me last time).

1. Roxy Music - End of the Line
It's done it again! THIS IS CLEARLY A FINISH-ON SONG, iTunes! Bloody technoretard *is soothed by the wonderful music* well, I don't suppose it can be easy for it, being subjected to all my songs at once. Poor thing. Honestly though, there aren't many bands I end up still being bowled over by this far into their career. Did I ever mention that I utterly adore Roxy Music? I don't think I did, you know...

It's made me a touch mournful. Which means it will probably be Anthrax & Public Enemy next, on previous matching-of-songs-form.

2. Wipers - Tragedy
Not a million miles away, although perhaps iTunes is going for a cunning title-based theming mix. End of the Line, Tragedy. Clever. And no, it isn't a Bee Gees cover, sadly (although it is bloody good).

3. Deep Purple - The Bird Has Flown
Not the greatest in the Purps oeuvre. It's pre-Gillan, and both pre and post-gillan Purps is best avoided. Like a really nasty plague. Still just about hanging in there with the title theming, I suppose. Good iTunes, nice iTunes.

4. The Who - Disguises
Blown the theme, silly technotard software. A good song, but only one measly song out on the list from choosing one of the many songs that often makes me exclaim it to be my all-time favourite (yes, I do that too), namely Doctor Doctor. So near, and yet so far. I Need You would have been better too (the drumming on that is immense. Or perhaps just really loud. Either way it is wonderful).

5. Brian Eno - Golden Hours
I almost fell asleep waiting for it to start. Utterly splendid, of course, but a bit overly soothing given the previous three efforts. From my only slightly second favourite Eno album, for anyone out there who fancies making a chart of my favourite Eno albums.

6. Parliament - Flash Light
iTunes steps off into the funk, big time. Was NOT expecting that (what sane person would seamlessly segue from the pleasantly soporific Golden Hours into the mighty Parliament?). Now that I've recovered from the rude shock of being awakened, I'm having a whale of a time. There isn't enough Parliament in the world. There are possibly too many parliaments, but not enough Parliament.

7. Offspring - Come Out & Play
Bugger off, I like it. Stop looking at me like that. STOP IT.

8. The Fluid - Is is Day I'm Seeing
Not the best Fluid song and not the best on this album (Sub Pop 200). It's alright, I suppose.

9. Big Daddy Kane - On The Move
Neither this nor anything else on this album (It's a Big Daddy Thing) is a patch on the previous one (Long Live The Kane), but he still has it. Sort of. It might be trying to escape, though.

10. Roxy Music - Serenade
Good to see them being properly represented at last. Surely I don't need to comment on the sheer awesomeitude of this one, do I? Surely you all know and revere it with due attention? I'll just assume you do.

11. JAMC - Take It
Seeing as I only own the album for Head On, it never really stood a chance. And, true enough, it is spectacularly average.

12. Terrorvision - Discotheque Wreck
This is more like it (I thought I told you to stop looking at me like that?). Come back, Terrorvision. Please.

13. Dexy's Midnight Runners - Keep It
I think iTunes is a fan, keeps slipping a Dexy's tune in there (and another stonker at that, too).

14. Outkast - Intro
Put stuff like this at the START, iTunes. Christ, how many times. It's the one off Speakerboxxx, if you care (the one that widdles all over the other one).

15. Unsane - This Town
Not entirely prime Unsane, but still mighty good, and completely brutal. Never mind the neighbours, I think I may be threatening the foundations of the house listening to this.

16. The Mummies - That's Mighty Childish
Budget Rock-a-rama. What can I say, it's brilliant. If you appreciate them (and my how I appreciate them), it's as good as all the others, if you hate them, it sounds just like all the others.

17. Blood Sweat & Tears - Lucretia MacEvil
Splendid. I hesitate to put it entirely in the funk section of my mind (who wouldn't), but it IS funky and gloriously cheesy. Lucretia MacEeeeeevvvIIIIIIIILLLLLllll...

18. The Sonics - The Witch
Wonderful! Drum like you've never seen a drumkit before and try and compensate for the lack of skill with undoubted vigour. I love The Sonics. Not in that way.

19. The Escalators - Eskimo Rock
Two of them used to be in the Tall Boys, and also The Meteors. It's good, but not as good as Tall Boys (or even their own cover of The Munster's Theme), but you shouldn't need telling that it is still greater than the majority of things in the big wide filthy musical world.

20. Lard - Can God Fill Teeth?
No. No he can't.




Had enough yet? I'm going to pretend you all said no, of course not, and continue regardless.

sPazAmp history lesson #1...

Way back in the mists of time (well, just over two years ago), the sPazAmp was born. It was dubbed the sPazTune, as back then I was still infected with the idea that having a horribly restrictive bloatware of a music player was a good idea. And lo, it went thusly...



I'm a bit concerned at the outcome of this, given the huge collection of tripe I term a music collection, but here goes...

1. Mudhoney - Check Out Time
Proof that iTunes is stupid. Should plainly have been the last song, not the first. Stupid technology. Still, good enough to make it look like I've fixed it.

2. NWA - Something 2 Dance 2
iTunes seems to be obsessed with choosing final tracks. Either that or it feels that Arabian Prince was abjectly underused on the second album and that Dre's early cheesy electro past was equally under represented. I didn't voluntarily listen to it in 1989 or whenever, and I wouldn't have done so now.

3. Pierre Henry - Psyche Rock (Fatboy Slim Mix)
Ooh, haven't listened to this in ages. I'd have preferred the original, but who am I to argue. Oh, that's right, I'm me and these are my songs.

4. FakeID - System Error in the Msg Centre
It's off the Parkspliced album, and is either such a complete demolition of the original or a version of one of the songs I don't really know (not a huge Blur fan to be honest. Not even a small Blur fan. They're shit) that I haven't the faintest idea what it was originally. It's either dreadful or quite good, I'm can't really make out.

5. Sam Cooke - (What a) Wonderful World
In your FACE Otis.

6. Jethro Tull - Fire at Midnight
This is getting just a touch surreal now. I tend to divide my listening up according to my mood, and having them all thrown at my head in one go is well weird.

7. Tom Jones - She's a Lady
There's someone being shown round the house. They'll never take the room if they hear this. Help me build a mountain from a little pot of claaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Great song.

8. Tom Jones - (I Ain't No) One Night Only Love Maker
iTunes is cheating, putting two Tom Jones songs on in a row, so I'm going to do 21 songs now. If it goes for a third, the urge to undo an extra button on the shirt might become unbearable.

9. Slick Rick - Teenage Love
Of ALL the Slick Rick songs. Let's just pretend it chose A Children's Story and move right along. If it chooses I Need Love by LL Cool J next, I'm going to open the computer to see just what demented being is working this.

10. The Fire Dept. - Leavin' Here
Ah, this is more like it. Nice bit of Medway Garage. Not as much fun in another way though, I listened to this just the other day.

11. Squeeze - If It's Love
There is a bloody good reason I don't listen past Is That Love on the best of. Although that said, this isn't a low quality as most of the later stuff. I'm still skipping ahead as soon as I've finished typing this, though.

12. Tom Jones - Just Out Of Reach (Of My Two Empty Arms)
Oh for God's sake. It's obsessed. It's making my love of The Jones look ridiculous, when in reality he accounts for less than 0.5% of the songs on there. Honest.

13. Devo - Shrivel Up
Listening to this straight after the last one has melted a part of my brain. I hope it wasn't needed for anything important.

14. Deep Purple - Highway Star
Bah, I want to listen to all of Machine Head now.

15. Jethro Tull - Hymn 43
Ooh, they went together well. Plus, a bloody fantastic song.

16. Roxy Music - A Song for Europe
About bloody time. Although it's the live from Frejus one. Still sodding magnificent though.

17. Pixies - Trompe Le Monde
If I wasn't already doing 22 songs to make up for the triumvirate of Tom Jones songs, I'd add another on account of the brevity of this one. Pleasant, in an underwhelming way.

18. The Mummies - Your Love
No comment necessary, such is the Budget Rock splendour.

19. Dexy's Midnight Runners - Geno
Likewise, only without the Budget Rock. Very confusing song to listen to on headphones whilst walking, though. I find myself speeding up and slowing down as the music dictates. Most disconcerting for the people you overtake and are overtaken by repeatedly.

20. Method Man - Intro (Feat. RZA)
Thoroughly undescriptive title. It's off of Tical 0: The Prequel.

21. GLC - Roller Disco
The superior Party Album version (as opposed to the one on Greatest Hits, I know you are all secretly interested).

22. Bruce Springsteen - Back Streets
A fine closing choice.

That was scary and fun. I shall do it again later, when I recover (and when I've listened to all the things it has made me want to listen to).




First go, and I broke my own rules. It's alright though, because they're my rules, sucker and besides, I didn't invent them until some time later. If you enjoyed that, good, there's plenty more to come. If you didn't, then what the hell are you doing still reading this? Bugger off to Mutant Rock and grab yourself some prime trash instead.

The birth of the sPazAmp...

...except it wasn't called the sPazAmp back then, it was called the sPazTune. Stick with me, all will become clear.

This curious little offshoot of Mutant Rock is the place where I've decided that said sPazLings, inconsequential reviews of whatever random and possibly bizarre film I've just watched, and any other general wittering plops out of my brain, down my fingers and onto the keyboard should dwell. Help to keep Mutant Rock thoroughly impure, the way whichever god responsible intended it to be.

So, yes. The sPazAmp, formerly the sPazTune. It's simple, really. One cobbles one's entire debauched musical collection together on one's music player of choice, puts it all on lurid view, presses the random button and subjects oneself to the first twenty songs with neither fear nor favour.

Hardly groundbreaking, and distinctly uninventive. People have been randomising their musical collections since the dawn of time. Or at least, since the dawn of the ability to do so. And I was hardly the first to thwack upon the idea of listing them. Or even annotating said list. But I did coin the term sPazAmp (and before that, sPazTune), so there you go. There are many talented sPazAmpers out there (you know who you are. Andy, Chris, Andy, Mark, Dan, Joe, Hayley take a bow), but I'm the only one with sufficient dedication and possible retardation to want to go and make a blog out of it, so I'm taking the credit. Yes, all of it. The entire pot of credit is now mine, losers. And I'm totally not sharing.

I shall endeavour to intersperse the sPazAmps with the occasional review of whichever film I happen to have watched. A bit of variety, y'know, it does the soul good to be dipped in a different flavour of shit from time to time. They are by no means guaranteed to be recent, good or famous. I haven't been to the cinema since that dreadful experience with "The Village". It was touch and go whether or not I left after about ten minutes - the time it took to have the entire plot including "twist" unhappily mapped out in my head with uncanny accuracy - but I stayed to the grim, bitter end. At least it hadn't been my choice, and history is unclear as to whether it was a contributing factor to that person permanently losing their position of being someone who could choose my watching material. So I might have something to thank M. Night Shyamalan for. After I had finished punching him square in the face for thinking that his films have clever "twists". The Village? Twist? TWISTS ARE NOT MEANT TO BE VISIBLE FROM FUCKING SPACE. But I digress. This may happen a lot. HOW WAS THE SIXTH SENSE IN ANY WAY POSSESSED OF A TWIST? BALDY BRUCE IS SHOT IN PRACTICALLY THE OPENING SHOT. See? It's happened again. SIGNS? FUCK OFF. Sorry.

Anyway, that's about the girth of it. sPazAmp Club has a few basic rules, which instantly makes it better than Fight Club, which has just the one.

1: 20 Songs (or 10 if you're pushed for time. Or working with sunn o))) length songs)
2: No skipping. If you have Rick Astley in your compilation, it's your fault. Let him out, let him run free.
3: Comment, comment, comment. A list of random songs is just a list of songs. What's the point in that? Hmmm? If I had a strange urge to do that, I could satisfy it by reading the back of the nearest album.
4: If Jens Lekman pops up on your music player, shoot yourself. It's the only way to be sure.


So there you have it. Films and music. It's also environmentally friendly, as I may well be recycling material that the keen eyed amongst you may have seen elsewhere. And immeasurable thanks to Andy for the impeccably mutant artwork at the top there. Take an even bigger bow than before, Andy.

Enjoy, cementheads.