I'm invisible!

A picture of an invisible cat, I think. I can't see it myself.

Hurrrrrrrrrrr.

Don't shatter his illusions, poor thing. Time will do that soon enough. Or maybe it won't, on account of it being a cat and all. Highly unlikely that it has a firm understanding of the concept of relative visibility, when you think about it. Which I'm not doing, because it would be a waste of my brain resources.

Whereas this bizarre exercise in sPazTuning isn't a waste of my brain resources? It's all relative, I suppose. Like my Gran.

1. LL Cool J - Dangerous
I've seen Deep Blue Sea. You're about as dangerous as a zombie gerbil, James. Although he wasn't always musically useless, as this shows. Really don't think it needs to be six bloody minutes long, mind.

2. Tom Jones - I'm Coming Home
Best get the kettle on for the leathery old so and so then.

3. DJ Format - I'm Good (feat. Abdominal)
Sounds like all the other DJ Format songs featuring Abdominal. That is, pleasant, professional and thoroughly unexciting. If I owned a bar and wanted to attract wankers, I'd play this at a reasonable volume. I'd also hike the prices of the drinks and hire ignorant and vacant bar staff that were 86% haircut. Not to mention stuffing the available space with a completely annoying arrangement of mismatched sofas that look comfy but in reality try to eat you from the arse upwards, so that when you actually sit in them properly, you can't actually talk to anyone because you've reclined to such a degree that you are practically prone. Then I'd shoot myself in the eyes with a bleach gun. And then a real one (provided I could still find it without my eyes).

4. Elvis Presley - Teddy Bear
Pervert.

5. Northside - My Rising Star
Bunch of wankers.

6. Nirvana - Rape Me
No, because that would be illegal and necrophilia. Which is also illegal. So it would be doubly illegal, so doubly no. Pervert.

7. Bryan Ferry - Hold On (I'm Coming)
Pervert.

8. Tony Christie - I Did What I Did for Maria
If it really is the last day that you'll ever see, Tony, why are you wasting it writing and recording a song about the whole thing? Serves you right, you massive vigilante.

9. Gas Huffer - Mole
The best song about a mole ever. And also the best song ever recorded by Gas Huffer, edging out Firebug by the width of a gnat's chuff.

10. The Temptations - You're My Everything
What, even your toilet paper? Your discarded old underwear? Your empty bean tins for recycling? Are you sure you mean everything?

11. Ray Charles - Hallelujah I Love Her So
Yeah, but you can't see her, can you.

12. The Specials - Monkey Man
Racists.

13. Os Brasas - Pancho Lopez
It's Davey Crockett. In Brazilian. With Pancho Lopez in place of Davey Crockett. Panchooo, Pancho Lopez, el kingio dello wildo frontierio.

14. The Who - Tommy Can You Hear Me?
No, he can't. He's deaf. You should know, you bloody well invented him.

15. Monster Magnet - The Game
Approximately four thousand times more appealing than a song called Monster Magnet by The Game would be.

16. Graham Bonnett - Night Games
Should be about nocturnal chess, is actually about clandestine perverts.

17. PP Arnold - The First Cut is the Deepest
Hurr, she's named after a willy. Also, what a load of nonsense. What if you're attacked by a mad axe wielding psycho with a rubbish aim? The first go might only nick your arm, then they might follow it up by cleaving your head in two, which is quite definitely the deeper of the two cuts. Tsk. Hurr, pee pee. She's friends with Mick Talbot, which makes her a stupid cow.

18. The Rockin' Ramrods - She Lied
The bitch. If it happens to her I hope she'll cry, too. How could she? Mind you, they don't specify quite what she lied about. She might just have claimed there was still milk in the fridge when there wasn't. Hardly worth writing a song about. The wankers.

19. Afghan Whigs - Here Comes Jesus
Christ, better set another place at the table then. Bloody freeloader. It’s all go tonight.

20. Helios Creed - Bend Over
No. Pervert.

There.

Bye.

Don't Look Now!

Either one cat covering another cat's eyes, or some kind of perverted feline recreation of something to do with Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland. Or perhaps Tony Christie and Donald Pleasance. Ew. I feel a bit sick.

Sage advice. But, if you insist on ignoring it, then be prepared for a load of old waffle and numerous musical oddities. Because that's what I do. And, even if I do say so myself, I do it bloody sodding well. So don't say that you haven't been warned (unless of course you find yourself in a situation where you might have expected to have been warned, but hadn't. You can say it then, if you like, although I doubt whining would help).

1. The Hush Puppies - Hey, Stop Messin' Around!
Ahhh, singing shoes.

2. Nation of Ulysses - NOU Future Vision Hypothesi
Nation of Ulysses, Ulyssee-ee-ees, soaring through all the galaxies. In search of Earth, flying into the night. Nation of Ulysses, Ulyssee-ee-ees, fighting evil and tyranny, with all their heart, and with all of their might. Nation of Ulyssee-eee-eee-eee-eess, no one else can do the things they do.

3. The Dukes of the Stratosphear - Your Gold Dress
Out of all of them, I think this is the one that sounds most like an [I]actual[/I] late 60s floyd-influenced band rather than an affectionate and accurate tribute. Well, apart from the jingly jangly bit, that bit is just a little too well produced, a touch too shiny. They fall into the category of songs that I enjoy and like, but that mean absolutely sod all to me. If that makes any sense.

4. Sam & Dave - Soul Man
A moving ballad about having to smear your face in shoeshine in order to get into an American college. Christ I hate that film. Couldn't ruin the song for me though - being horrendously overplayed at the expense of other just as deserving Sam & Dave songs did that.

5. Melvins - Influence of Atmosphere
Makes a 1.52s song sound like a grindtastic epic. That's how good Melvins are.

6. Ghostface Killah - The Grain (feat. RZA)
I like Ghostface, but he's unfortunately way down the list on the Wu solo efforts, far behind the first efforts from U-God, GZA, Raekwon, ODB and Meth. Still, no great shame, being behind five of my favourite albums. Plus, he's ahead of Redman, which I am sure is a source of endless comfort to him.

7. The Cramps - Can't Find My Mind
It's in your head. Or maybe not, seeing as it's Lux.

8. The Deadly Snakes - A Bird in the Hand (is worthless)
He probably thinks he sounds like Stephin Merritt. He actually really sounds like Neil Diamond. This is not a bad thing.

9. Mark Lanegan - One Way Street
I'm reasonably sure that I've had this one on a bout of sPazTuning before. Still, I'm not complaining - if it's good enough for my signature, it should be good enough to make you all rush out and buy everything Mark Lanegan has ever made, ever. So go on, do it. GO ON! QUICKLY!

10. Girl Trouble - Kissin' Cousins
Girl Trouble + Elvis Movie Song = Fan-fucking-tastic.

11. Sun Ra & The Blues Project - Batman Theme
It's the Batman theme, done by Sun Ra. What more could you bastard well want from life?

12. System of a Down - Chic'n'Stu
It's about a pizza pie or something. And it's cocking wonderful. I still want the beard. And I'm still not allowed, apparently (although the revelation that I want the original beard, and not the more recent version that looks like Rameses II on Civilization has mellowed things somewhat. Although I'm still quite aware of not being Armenian, Andyroo).

13. Belle & Sebastian - Wrapped Up in Books
You know that a band has entered the "pointless" category when they start simultaneously ripping off Cliff Bloody Richard and themselves. Shocking. And not in a good way. My poor ears. It's not without agreeable parts, but they just leave you thinking "well, I could get that from this song, or that song, songs that do the exact same thing - only better, and without Out in the Bastarding Country as the chorus". Maybe not thinking precisely that, but something similar.

14. Barbara Acklin - To Sir With Love
As fine a slice of Brunswick soul as this undoubtedly is (and as much as it pisses all over the original), and as beatiful as the song may be, you have to hope that she eventually got the police involved. It's just not right, teachers doing that sort of thing.

15. Terrorvision - Alice, What's The Matter?
Well? Alice? Come on, spill the beans. They've been asking you for years now. Miserable cow. Hardly deserving of such a bloody good song, if you ask me.

16. Shiratori Maika - Drive
One that definitely falls into the "slavishly faithful" category of cover versions. Well, as slavishly faithful as a Japanese woman can get to a bald nutter with a blue stripe round his head. Very pretty (the song, not the woman or bald nutter. Although I'm sure they are both very comely in their own individual ways).

17. Tony Christie - Las Vegas
"Hey Las Vegas, can nothing save us from you" poor man, clearly has a gambling problem. "Night after night, watching the wheel go round" he's in deep, the urge to throw good money after bad dragging the poor fellow and his addiction deeper and deeper in. "Hey Las Vegas, the Devil gave us to you" see? He feels utterly helpless and at the mercy of his demons. "One of these days, I'm gonna burn you down" ARSON IS NEVER THE ANSWER TONY. One of his five great songs, the rest are dismal shite.

18. Nina Simone - See Line Woman
Still sounds like a man.

19. Rammstein - Rein Raus
Gets me everytime. The intro sounds like Wild Thing by Tone Loc. Dead ringer for it, it is. Or maybe Wild Thing crossed with Funky Cold Medina (which is a bit like crossing the one song with itself, but still). Anyway, it's not like I'm disappointed. How could you be disappointed by Rammstein? Well, perhaps you could if you could understand the lyrics, I dunno, mainly because I can't. But I doubt it. Fantastically blustery overblown and monstrously entertaining theatrical nonsense. Wonderful.

20. Mudhoney - You Stupid Asshole
Both an unutterably fine song, and a fitting comment on the end of the endeavour - both you for reading it (whoever you are) and me for bothering. Juepa!

T'ra.

Something about Superman

I think they wanted to kill him or something. I hope so, Superman is really shit. I mean, what kind of a cocking disguise is that meant to be? A vaguely different hairstyle and some glasses? Fooling no one, you lycra-clad r-tard.

Seeing as my reminiscing over the plight of Barry and Keith Wiper somewhat ruined the last one, I'm back once again (yes, like the renegade master. So better hide those D4s, else I'll only be damaging them) with another to amaze, bore, mystify and/or generally leave utterly cold. You just don't know how lucky you are. Because you’re a bit thick, innit.

1. Dead Kennedys - California Über Alles
I spent most of the song searching for the umlauted u, sorry. The first, but not the best, attempt they made at the song. My favourite is "We've Got a Bigger Problem Now" from the In God We Trust Inc. ep (with the grand quietly jazzy bits inbetween the noisy bits), although the recent live version about Arnie that Jello did with the Melvins is pretty darn fine, too.

2. Iron Maiden - Quest For Fire
Endearingly rubbish. Bruce's high notes make me feel vaguely embarrassed on his behalf. It's about man searching for fire in a land inhabited by enormous dinosaurs. Bruce, Steve, Ed, the other one - THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. They didn't read about it in the Caveman Metro and then set off wandering the countryside looking for it, dodging Stegosaurs and the like. Still miles better than anything off Seventh Son, mind.

3. The Wipers - Over the Edge
Despite all their personal troubles, I love The Wipers. And this is a good example of why you should, too. Your favourite band depended on them. Unless your favourite band is The Proclaimers. Or Journey South.

4. The Damned - Looking at You
A cover that manages to be about forty three and a half times better than the original (MC5). Was a bit tedious live, though, mainly as they used it as an excuse for Dave Vanian to have a rest. He'd toddle off for the middle bit whilst Rat and Captain Sensible showed off for a bit. You'd see him wandering around behind the stage, doing a crossword and drinking ribena. A luxury not afforded to us, the audience, unfortunately. We all had to take our chances at the bar, which was obviously rammed by that point because everyone new that was the time to go to the bar. They may as well have had an official intermission or something, because no one stayed to watch Rat wanking over his bloody drums. What a dreadful mental image, I've just vomited on myself.

5. The Cougars - Teku Teku Tengoku
The best song ever in Japanese. Jona'll confirm this, I'm sure I pestered him to download it off me at some point. Haven't a clue what it's about, but it's bloody marvelous. Slinkingly sixties wonderfulness. In Japanese. What more do you want?

6. Terrorvision - Discotheque Wreck
I tried to go and see them in concert once. They wouldn't let me. Apparently, you needed a license or something. A Terrorvision license. I have to tell that "joke" whenever I mention Terrorvision. It's a tradition, or an old charter, or something. Anyway, you should all be ashamed of yourselves. If you'd loved Terrorvision the way they should be loved, then maybe they wouldn't have gone away and we'd have even more dead smart songs like this one. You bastards.

7. Bruce Springsteen - State Trooper
From Will Oldham's favourite Bruce album. Well, the one he steals from the most, at any rate. And why not, it's a bloody good album stuffed full of bloody good songs. So there. He should have done more like this, instead of Tunnel of Love. Damn him.

8. Flipper - Sex Bomb
I'm sure this has cropped up before, but I'm certainly not complaining. It's one of the songs that everyone in the world should have. Nearly eight minutes of splendour, feels like less than two. One listen is never enough. NEVER. Hypnotic bass, incongruous sax, screamy shouty vocals (which you just know Kurt liked a little bit too much). Not much by way of lyrics, beyond "sex bomb baby, yeah" and all the shouty screams, but it doesn't matter. Bloody fucking wonderful. I cannot recommend this song enough, I really can't.

9. Six Finger Satellite - Funny Like a Clown
Which is to say, not in the least bit funny at all. In fact, more scary than funny. A bit like the song. SFS really should have been widely adored, not roundly ignored. There is a bowloid with a SFS secret, but that secret shall remain just that (and no, the secret isn't that they're the only other person to know who SFS are, but that is also true, I suspect).

10. Busta Rhymes (feat. P. Diddy, Pharrell and about thirty five other people, including Mr. T. in the video) - Pass the Courvoisier Part II
My ass getting big now. Say what, Busta? Your ass is doing what now? Busta does his usual trick of occupying less than 33% of his own song. The lazy tosser. Still, you can't beat a bit of Busta. Not even with a really big stick. All charty rap songs should be this good.

11. Tony Christie - Avenues and Alleyways
Theme tune to The Protectors and my favourite song when I was about 4. And if that isn't recommendation enough, then I don't bloody well know what is. Sheffield's very own Tom Jones. Sheffield didn't need one, probably didn't want one, but that didn't stop Tony. That's kind of guy he is. My mum went to see him on a works christmas do once, at the very nadir of his popularity. Needless to say, she wasn't impressed.

12. The Knights of the New Crusade - He Has Risen
Random my fucking arse. This has been on before - which, out of 25k songs probably isn't that likely. Still, bloody good. It's about Jesus, naturally. He has risen, yeah that's his bag, and now our lives, won't be a drag.

13. Jimmy Ruffin - What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?
They have a big cry and eat lots of chocolate, Jimbo. Sometimes they boil pets and the like. Lots of things, really. If you need me to tell you about the greatness of this song, then you know what you are, cement head.

14. Queen - Brighton Rock
It's a rarity this song. A rarity because it is one of the few songs (very possibly the only one, apart from maybe the wanking song, sorry, Flick of the Wrist) on Sheer Heart Attack that doesn't make me want to go and punch Mrs Roger Taylor very hard in the face (it'd have to be him - Freddy's dead, as Curtis Mayfield predicted, with Brian May there is always the chance I might accidentally punch the innocent Anita Dobson by mistake and as for John Deacon, well, I'd likely as not have difficulty picking him out from a line up. Even if he was the only one in it). I really, really detest this album. In fact, I hate this song too, because it is followed by FUCKING LEROY FUCKING BASTARD SHITTY BROWN. I don't mind Queen, I really don't, but did they have to extend their fucking Bugsy Malone period over an entire album? No, they didn't. The song "Sheer Heart Attack" has been scientifically proven to contain three frillion times more enjoyment than the entire album of the same name. An album it isn't even on - this annoys me also. Why do bands do that? Twats.

15. The Fall - Terry Waite Sez
Stop fighting and untie me from this radiator. Oh, and be nice to one another, grow a beard like mine and go to church.

16. Monster Magnet - Snake Dance
If Satan lived in heaven, he'd be me. Uh huh. Let the Snake Dance begin!

17. Curtis Mayfield - (Don't Worry) If There's a Hell Below, We're All Going to Go
Damn skippy. Sisters, brothers and the whiteys. Blacks and the crackas. Police and their backers. Yes, ALL OF YOU. All going to hell. Likely as not in a handcart. If they're playing this, then I don't mind. Well, as long as the crackas are in a different carriage, obviously. The album cover makes it look like Curtis has the longest legs in all of creation.

18. System of a Down - Kill Rock'n'Roll
I want a beard like Serj's. I'm not allowed, apparently. No more records for quite some time from SOAD makes me sad. Although I suppose I have been somewhat spoiled recently with two wonderful albums in very short order. Still, mighty selfish of them. Just because of that, I've listened to it twice in a row.

19. Max Bygraves - A Hard Day's Night
Words really cannot describe how fucking awful this song is. Nor how much better than the original it is, too.

20. Iron Maiden - Run to the Hills
I'm going to get married to this song, should I ever get married. And buried to it. Failing that, I'm just going to walk up and down Market Street pulling along a shopping trolley with a portable stereo in it playing this over and over and over at immense volume. It's good to have a goal in life.

Best. Song. Ever.

T'ra.

Attention, whore!

Listen to your pimp. No, not really. It was about a cat doing something and it looks a bit funny, and it's all, like, attention whore! Probably a cart wheel. Or perhaps a wagon wheel. Yes, that was it. A picture of a cat doing a wagon wheel. Triple X rated!

I spoil you, really I do.

Anyway, enough of this pointless preamble, and on with the equally pointless amble. Starting with...

1. Nirvana - D7
You've sunk my battleship! Which is how, of course, Barry Wiper from The Wipers originally came up with the title for the song. The verses articulate his rage at Keith Wiper from The Wipers for cheating by sneaking a look at his board whilst he was in the toilet and then using this illicit intelligence to sink his minesweeper. Which is a euphemism for gay sex.

2. Gravy Train!!!! - You Made Me Gay
This is also a cover of a Wipers song, written by Barry Wiper after Keith Wiper had introduced him to the joys of sinking the minesweeper on that fateful day. They later unofficially married. Its also a really awesome song.

3. Mad Violets - World of LSD (I Wanna Come Back)
Sadly, the "marriage" didn't last, and Barry Wiper took the unusual step of drowning his sorrows in psychoactive hallucinogenic drugs (bloody rock stars, eh? Special Brew not good enough for them, I suppose). Here, the Mad Violets (in their inimitable 60s garage revivalist way) cover his desperate musical plea to Keith Wiper to take him back and free him from his drugs hell, his "World of LSD" and to recommence firing salvos at his aircraft carrier.

4. Human Expression - Calm Me Down (single)
The plea fell on deaf ears. With his customary determination (a determination he also applied to his drugs intake, leading to the earlier "World of LSD"), Barry Wiper tried again and wrote this heartfelt prayer to the love of his life Keith Wiper. So good was it that it prompted the Human Expression to take the unusual step of recording it almost twenty years before it was written in a 60s jangly sunshiney pop fashion. Bless.

5. Ismail Haron & The Guys - Bersedia
The plight of the star cross'd lovers touched the hearts of millions across the globe, including Ismail who, feeling helpless so far away in the Phillipines (and two decades in the past), recorded this in tribute - "Bersedia" being Phillipinesian for "Vaseline". He stole the tune from The Temptations.

6. Elvis Presley - Blue Suede Shoes (That's The Way It Is Concert Version)
This isn't about Barry Wiper and Keith Wiper, obviously. It's Elvis, and Elvis didn't have a time machine (if he did, he'd probably have gone back, made fewer films, fired his manager and gone a bit easier on the deep fried lard pies). It was, however, later covered by Talking Heads and Tanita Tikaram on a tribute album for the anguished pair called "Won't You Come Back and Sink My Minesweeper One More Time, Baby". Their motivation at choosing this particular song is unclear, although Tanita was once heard to say in that lovely, deep, manly voice of hers that "blue is a nice colour, and they seem nice people, uh-huh". She then went to have her chest waxed.

7. The MonoMen - Murder City Nights
Barry's descent into drug hell has been well documented. What is less widely reported is that during this tormented period of his life (after discovering the joys of sinking the minesweeper and before whatever I make up later) he took to touring the bath-houses and gay brothels of Murder City in the notoriously lawless state of New Jersey. This song obliquely references these episodes. The title of the song is less oblique in its referencing, leading to later lawsuits filed by various members of the Wipers fraternity. Which is, of course, why all subsequent recordings of the song have been cunningly retitled "Deeply Dippy".

8. Melvins - Moon Pie (feat. Kevin Sharp)
This song is over twelve minutes long. It is also less than thirteen minutes long, but that aspect is not as relevant to the point I wish to make. And that point is that it isn't easy making up a load of gibberish regarding Barry Wiper on the spot, prompted by an irreverent off the cuff remark at the end of the first song, you know. It might look easy to be this unrelenting vapid, but let me tell you it ISN'T. Hard bloody work. Thus, the twelve minutes provides me some breathing space - breathing space that I have now wasted a large part of by waffling on about it to you and enjoying having my innards ground out by the Melvins. Moon Pie was, of course, Keith Wiper's favourite dessert and the one eaten at his and Barry Wiper's wedding reception. Rather than using actual moon (that would have been too expensive, even for Barry Wiper), they used the accepted substitute of boiled egg, wrapped in marzipan and dusted liberally with PCP. I didn't make the most of the breathing space, when you think about it.

9. GLC - Roller Disco
Barry Wiper, during his "lost years", liked nothing more than skating round the roller rinks of Murder City, NJ whilst ripped to the tits on LSD and Horse Steroids and wearing little more than a skimpy pair of leatherette hotpants and a wide grin, before desperately scuttling his destroyer with anyone who would take him and experimenting with an assortment of MB Games, such as Guess Who, Connect Four, Ker-Plunk, and Buck-a-roo (which is also a euphemism for gay sex). It was a sad, desperate time.

10. The Rally Packs - Move Out Little Mustang
Barry Wiper knew he had hit rock bottom when he found himself cruising rodeos for horses. He penned this self-reflective ode to his bestiality some years later, which was then covered many decades earlier in a Beach Boys style by these jokers.

11. Lightyears Away (Astral Navigation) - Yesterday
At the height of the sixties psychedelia boom in Britain, this band (with the sort of band name that makes you think you've got it confused with the song title) predicted Barry Wiper's plight by writing a song about the day before. Clever.

12. Man or Astro-Man - Transmissions from Uranus
Barry Wiper's paean to how much he missed sinking the minesweeper with Keith Wiper. Really, with a gift of a song title like that, you should be making up your own entry (hurr, hurr I said "entry").

13. Young Marble Giants - Salad Days
Good friends as they were with the Wiper family, YMG recorded this cryptic and oblique celebration of Keith Wiper and Barry Wiper's joyous reunion as part of their Colossal Youth album. Most cryptic and oblique was the fact that they recorded it a year before the two actually met.

14. Green River - Hangin' Tree
Famously the progenitors of both Mudhoney and Pearl Jam, Green River had many similarities to the Wipers, including the fact they both used guitars. Moved by this similarity, they commemorated in song Barry Wiper's suicide attempt in the aftermath of the rodeo cruising scandal. They did it on one of the Green River songs where they sound like Mudhoney, which is always a bonus. It features on Sub Pop 200 which is, as everyone knows, a benefit for Barry Wiper's rehabilitation fund.

15. The Who - Time is Passing
Yes, yes it is. Curiously enough, those were the precise words spoken by Keith Wiper to Barry Wiper when they kissed and made up. Which is the end of it (unless the next song is called something like "Battleships the Game is a Metaphor for Same-sex Loving" by Keith and Barry Wiper. Which is, let's face it, highly unlikely even for me and my rusty spoon music).

16. Keith and Barry Wiper - Battleships the Game is a Metaphor for Same-sex Loving

16. Mudhoney - Revolution
In your FACE, Jason Pierce and The Other One (what the battleship kind of a name is Sonic Boom anyway?). Far too good a song to ruin with waffle of the kind applied to the previous 15 songs (even if it does explicitly reference drug taking and shoving morphine suppository up one's rectum).

17. Pearl Jam - Education
I think sPazTunes belated picked up on the Green River/Progenitor thing and decided to show off it's l33t mixing skillz. Or something. Either way, a thoroughly enjoyable one of Pearl Jam's "Lost Dogs".

18. Wu-Tang - Triumph (feat. Cappadonna)
What up, G. Scary Rap Dudes ahoy! A premium slice, too, with the opening bomb atomically, socrates, lyrical philosophies verse being one of my favourite bits of Wu (as is Meth's verse afterwards). Not many Scary Rap Collectives can sustain your interest over both discs of a double album. Who can? Wu can.

19. Richard Berry - Louie Louie
One of thirty five gillion versions of Louie Louie. The downside, as with all of them, is that its a version of Louie Louie and therefore inherently shit.

20. Love - Can't Explain (stereo)
Bet you can. Stereo is really easy to explain. You're just not trying.

Well there you go. Musical insight and touching human melodrama all in the space of one weighty, moving and emotional post. I spoil you, really I do.

T'ra.

Treachery!

That was the theme of the removed picture. It was that one of the two cats doing that thing, the really funny thing, and everyone laughed. Ha ha ha. Now fuck off.

Okay, so it wasn't a year. It was a week. Hardly any at all difference in cosmic or geological terms. Regardless, come with me now on a journey through time and space ... well, the labyrinthine recesses of my musical collection, at any rate. It'll be all the same stuff as usual no doubt, including the "humour" from me. Or don't come, I don't really care.

Yeah.

1. Pearl Jam - My Way
Yes, that My Way. It's a live rendition that comprised the b-side of one of their fan-club only singles. So you can probably quite accurately imagine the quality of a) sound and b) performance. It wasn't even good enough to be the a-side of a gift to the sort of people who would happily pay to hear Eddie play the spoons. Or vomit in a vaguely rhythmic fashion. May have been fun if you'd been there. I wasn't and I doubt any of you were. Fucking awful.

2. Chef - No Substitute
Stellar opening, sPazTunes. Way to make my musical collection an even more radiant pit of shit than most people already surmise it to be. Yes, that Chef. So on the plus side, you have Isaac's superb voice. On the down side, well, on the down side you have the fact that it barely sustains your ears' attention for the entire length of the first listen. And, seeing as I've heard it often before, it's not much fun. Not even Isaac singing his own high pitched backing inbetween his own bits. At least it's not Chocolate Salty Balls, I suppose.

3. Devo - Space Junk
It's Devo. So yes, lurking at the back of your mind is the Rugrats theme. Not my favourite Devo song. Not even in the top three. Or top five. Hell, it doesn't make the top ten. Why do I have a top ten of Devo songs readibly referenceable in my head? Still, easy enough on the ears.

4. Mirah - You've Gone Away Enough
But you haven't. Please go away a bit further. Bit further. Little bit further. Ta.

5. Mudhoney - Ounce of Deception
There are six gillion reasons to love Mudhoney, and you can hear them all in pretty much every bastarding song. I want all six gillion learnt and recitable by next week, please. Or at least four.

6. Van Der Graaf Generator - After the Flood
You'll need a sodding great mop. Eleven and a half minutes of splendidness. Splendidity. Splendosity. I could be a while doing this, we've got time to kill. Splendulousness. Splenderisity. No, not even I could fill the remaining eight minutes with whimsical spellings of splendid. Just go and listen to the song. And the rest of the album "The Least We Can Do is Wave to Each Other", because then you'd get to hear the heartpunchingly beautiful Refugees, as well. Which is not to be confused with The Fugees, who are in no way heartpunchingly beautiful. Although that Pras sure has his moments. It's got an organ (hurr, hurr), a flute, a touch of discordant atonality, lots of different speeds and Peter Hamill's voice. That's every box well and truly ticked for me, cement head.

7. Big Black - Fish Fry
It's like every other Big Black song - i.e. horrendously overrated and not as good as Naked Raygun. Apart from Colombian Necktie. I really like that one. But it's like all the other ones apart from that one.

8. Nova Mob - Please Don't Ask
The nice end of solo Hüsker Dü, the Grant end, the end without Bob being an MTV suck up. I guessed the alt+numbers for the 'ü' then. Took me a while. It's really quite a pretty song. Only to be expected, given that it has been proved by scientists in a lab that Grant >>> Bob to a factor of transfinity. Plus one. In your FACE, Mouldboy.

9. Led Zeppelin - Achilles Last Stand
Watch your heels! Should have worn protective boots, he'd have been fine. Led Zeppelin are one of those bands that manage to be overrated and underrated at the same time. This falls into the overrated bit. Long for the sake of it, and a minimum of riff-based hotness. Still, it's alright I suppose, just not for ten minutes. I think sPazTunes is going for some kind of mix-length record.

10. Quintron & Miss Pussycat - Shoplifter
It goes "boing" occasionally. Honestly, words cannot do justice to the unique aceness of Mr. Quintron. Go find out for yourself. And there would be worse starting points than this song. Go on. GO ON.

11. Denny & Lenny and the Hollywood Ghouls - Monster's Love
It's a do-wop lament about a monster. Your mind should be boggling slightly about now, cement head.

12. Deep Purple - Pictures of Home
A choice slice of The Purps. Ian Gillan on cracking form, you can almost hear a young Bruce Dickinson taking notes. As Machine Head songs go, it's not as good as Highway Star or Space Truckin', but better than Smoke on the Water (the live version of that is the only good one anyway). Chugs along like a bitch. A big rock bitch.

13. The Saints - Run Down
Thanks, Australia. Thaustralia. Punkily and grubbily poppy, with a bearable amount of harmonica (which, for me, isn't a terribly large amount). Should have been more famous. Famouser.

14. Roxy Music - Do The Strand (Live '75)
Fantastic song, good version (although the sound levels jump dramatically now and then. Bastard for headphones. But still, as bootlegs go, it's pretty fucking damn wonderful).

15. BBC Radiophonic Workshop - Dr. Who Theme
In the very slight possibility that Gav is reading this nonsense, I should make it clear that it's the 1980-85 version. There is a difference, you know. Dediggedyding dediggedyding oooooh weeeeeeeee ooooooooooohhh...

16. The Lovemongers - Battle of Evermore
Piss. In music form.

17. The Sweet - Action
How good were t'Sweet. No, seriously. I'd forgotten. AND THATS WHY EVERBODY WANTS A PIECE OF THE ACTION. Sorry, overtaken by the lyrics there. It's no Teenage Rampage, but it's still mighty fine. Feeling fed up? Listen to t'Sweet! Guaranteed cure. But not the shit ones. Only the good ones. Like this one. I GOT WHAT EVERYBODY NEEDS, SATISFACTION GUARANTEED. Sorry, it happened again.

18. Beat Happening - Knick Knack
Bit of a change, there. A lovely one, though. Now, give me t'Sweet back, dammit.

19. The Masonics - Return of the Galloping Goblin
Certainly gallops, in its little medway way. Not sure about the Goblin aspect, though. Who cares, when it's this good!

20. Electric Wizard - Weird Tales / Electric Frost / Altar of Melektaus
Fuck, yeah. A quarter hour of head-scouring, brain-stirring, innards-rumbling grinding riffz. With a motherfucking Z. Honestly, why there isn't a copy of "Dopethrone" in every household in the land, NAY, the world, I'll never know. Actually, I know already. It's because you're all cement heads who haven't realised how fucking ecstatically and rib-jarringly wonderful this album is. I reckon Funeralopolis should be played at my funeral. But only if I could be alive to see their faces. And to make sure they played all nine minutes of it. With all fifteen minutes of this at the wake. That'd be ace.

So yes. I'm off to stick Dopethrone on repeat about forty-three times.

T'ra.

Sup.

It was once my birthday, something that happens with alarming regularity these days, it seems. Anyway, I commemorated it with a shuffle. You knows it. This and a few of the following sPazAmps were originally preceded by amusingly captioned cat pictures. Y'know, back when they were still really funny and that. They're not really anymore, so I've consigned them to the recycle bin of history. I'm a tyrant!

So, sup. Seeing as it's my birthday , I thought I'd sneak in here and work a little bit of sPazTunes magic, and then sneak out again.

So that's what I'm doing. And here it is. Yes.

1. Eminem - Who Knew
Well I certainly didn't. Thanks for clearing that up, Marshall. Not his best effort. In fact, it's a steaming great pile of something you find in piles and steams. Such as shit.

2. Faith No More - Ashes to Ashes
Now that's more like it. It's my birthday, sPazTunes, RELEASE THE RIFF! I may have to listen to this at least twice in a row. In fact, it's practically certain that I will, as I just caught myself typing in time with it.

3. Electric Prunes - General Confessional
It's a song about where Catholic military types go to have their sins expunged. Obviously it isn't really, but in the absence of any lyrics I feel it is only fair that I interpret it just whichever bloody way I damn bloody well sodding choose. It's my birthday goddammit and just because the Electric Prunes (or, by this stage, David Axelrod and a bunch of session musicians) were going through a vaguely religious stage a few decades ago isn't going to stop me. Oh, it does have lyrics. Three minutes into a three and a half minute song. Weirdos. They shed very little light, unfortunately. Something about looking for his friends. They're probably in the confessional having a go on the priest. Did I mention that it's my birthday?

4. The Meteors - Wild Thing (live)
It's a cover of Wild Thing, done by The Meteors, live. So it's Wild Thing, in a psychobilly style, with piss poor sound quality. If you can't imagine that without help, then you probably have a head made of solid cement. In case you do have a head made of solid cement, I'll help you out with a handy pointer. It's shit.

5. Bad Religion - We're a Happy Family
It's from a Ramones tribute album, so I guess that there is at least some point to it. Why on earth they bothered, though, I'll never know. Still, it's an improvement on the original. But, as with about 98% of Ramones songs, a similar improvement could have been made by simply not playing it. Or chopping your ears off.

6. ELO - Ma Ma Ma Belle
As with most ELO songs, it sounds just like the three good ELO songs, only much shitter. I'm not having the best of runs, tonight.

7. Aguaturbia - E.V.O.L
I can't remember where they're from without checking. I have that much mental early seventies psyche-prog from around the world. There are naked people on the cover. It rocks, in a proggy way. I just checked, they were from Chile. As a) I don't speak Chileish and b) I can't make out anything she is wailing about, I have decided that it is a psychic song predicting a Sonic Youth album. Top stuff.

8. Fluid - Girl Bomb
Impractical, at best. Sadly, one of the better bands lost in the mad corporate swamp of shit caused by the majors stampede to turn "grunge" into a swear word. Roadmouth and Glue are both tremendously worthwhile albums, if you ask me. They are whether you do or not, really.

9. Dusty Springfield - No Easy Way Down
Yes there is. Jump, you lesbotic panda.

10. The Fall - Hexen Definitive / Strife Knot
It's a little known fact that Mark E. Smith is an absolutely MASSIVE fan of PC games made using the Quake engine, but with a sword & sorcery type feel. Can't be arsed making anything up for the Strife Knot bit. Perhaps he liked knots.

11. Surgery - Mistake
Like removing the wrong kidney or something, perhaps. It's Surgery, you shouldn't need me to tell you it's fucking wonderful. Unless you're one of the cement heads of earlier mention. In which case, sorry about your head.

12. Southern Culture on the Skids - Werewolf
It nearly made it onto the Hallowe'en mix for the current mix round (Werewolves are sort of Hallowe'eny, right?) but it lost out on account of there already being a better SCoTS song on there. It's a southerny, garagey song about a werewolf and it's very good. What more do you need, nosy?

13. Dicks - Hate the Police
I'm sure I've had this on before, and I'm sure I waffled on about how I don't know whether I prefer this (the original) or the Mudhoney cover. I still don't know.

14. The Milkshakes - Mother I Want Your Daughter
Incestuous perverts.

15. Mudhoney - Sweet Young Thing Ain't Sweet No More
Speak of the devil. Well, Mudhoney, at any rate. I'm sure you're all aware by now of Mudhoney's status as musical titans bestriding the world and filling all our lives with assorted aural miracles, so I won't belabour the point.

16. Deerhoof - Wrong Time Capsule
Meh. Just, well, meh. I hope they informed Blue Peter before they buried it.

17. Beat Happening - Left Behind
There should be more heartfelt paeans to particular buttocks.

18. Big Black - Fists of Love
Now that's just plain disgusting. Some bands just aren't meant to have live albums. Big Black were one of those bands.

19. The Move - Curly (Mono Version)
The Move >>> ELO. In fact, The Move >>> Most Things. And Curly >>> Most Other Move Songs. As you can probably tell, I quite like it.

20. Afghan Whigs - Retarded
That'll do for a finish. From the barely audible "ooh" in the intro to the last note, absolute distortedly soulful angry shouty vulnerable perfection. It's popped up in one of the shuffles before (sPazTunes definitely plays favourites) but I don't care, it's one of the best songs ever invented. And it gets better the louder you play it. It might also be about me, I'm not entirely sure.

Anyway, there you go. That's me done for another year or so (unless I'm visited by a sudden spell of good humour at some point. Can't see it myself, mind). And I'm sure you'll all agree that this has been even more fun than watching the episode of Most Haunted where Derek Acorah gets "possessed" and runs around shouting "MARY LOVES DICK!"

T'ra.

Boooo! Boooo! Boooo!

Look at me, I'm pretending to be a football fan faced with Frank Lumplard. Fucking topical or what?!?

I'm feeling infused with the spirit of uncommon generosity, and thus I bring you another shuffle. Later I hope to be infused with the all too common spirit of vodka, but that is another matter entirely. Yes, a SECOND shuffle. Two, in one weekend. No, no need to check your diaries and calenders, it isn't suddenly Christmas. It's just me, being philanthropic to the last, much like Jesus. I'm not saying I am Jesus, that's something for you to think about for yourselves [/stewart lee]. I couldn't spoil you more if I came round to each and everyone of your houses and force fed you all Ferrero Rocher.

We've added James Blunt to the extermination list. He'll be dealt with as soon as Craig David is out of the way. It's only fair when you think about it, also philanthropic in its own way.

I have to applaud his choice of signs. Maybe there is hope for him yet.

An end to such perfectly useless trumpery, I hear you bellow much in the manner of Joseph Locke. Get sPazTuning, I hear you append to the previous statement. Fuck off, I hear myself reply in a pleasant manner, I'll get round to it when I'm good and ready.

Right, I'm good and ready now. Tedious post of enormous length ahoy!

1. Rammstein - Reise, Reise

The return of DAS RIFF! What a thunderously good way to start a shuffle. It's immensely good fun to make up your own pretend German words to sing along with Rammstein songs. Note: this becomes markedly less good fun if you are or can speak reasonably good German.

2. Geza-X - Isotope Soap

Can't imagine it would get you very clean, to be totally frank. Except I don't want to be totally frank because they are totally shit. And girls. Not like Geza-X, who is a man and very good (if a bit weird). He only made the one album (being principally a producer of other people's stuff for Alternative Tentacles records and the like). Perhaps he actually used some isotope soap and died a horrible radiation based death. I dunno. It'd certainly explain the lack of releases though.

3. Eminem - Cleaning Out My Closet (Jacknife Lee Mix)

Jacknife Lee should be allowed to remix all household chores. He can turn the most dull, leaden, lumpen, artificially over-earnest and self-important chore into a rock-filled bounceathon of the bestest and highest order! The man's a genius!

4. Dead Kennedys - Well Paid Scientist

sPazTunes must be feeling all angried up tonight. It should get angried up more often, makes for better tune choosage. You just punch the clock too scared to PUNCH YOUR BOSS. Bit harsh, Jello. What if he has a really nice boss who resents the whole set up just as much? Tsk.

5. Max Romeo - I Chase the Devil

My mistake, it's gone all top drawer reggae now. Bonus marks if anyone can tell me where this song was notably sampled. Answers on the back of a postcard or sealed envelope please, with a ten pound note stapled to it. Or just type it on the thread or something. Or don't. I DON'T CARE, STOP HASSLING ME.

6. The Prisoners - Whenever I'm Gone

You'd think I'd get tired of repeatedly banging on about how ear-enhancingly wonderful The Prisoners were. WELL I DON'T, BUSTER. Honestly, a life lived without listening to a Prisoners song is a life wasted, devalued, degraded and smeared with poo. So if you whiff a bit, you now know why (note: if you reek of old sprouts with a hint of urine, then chances are this is because you are an old person, regardless of any relative level of Prisoners listenage).

7. The Cramps - Beautiful Gardens

It could be a song about many places. One place it isn't about is Piccadilly Gardens here in the centre of the known universe Manchester. There is a fancy fountain thing, lots of jets coming out of a sort of floor. There are certain people (I think the technical term for them is scrotey nobends) who feel it is the height of fun to run in and out of the jets. Furthermore, when it is hot in the summer (and sometimes when it isnt) they descend en masse, with FUCKING TOWELS AND PACKED LUNCHES. It isn't the cunting seaside, you deranged twattoids. Getting on a bus into town to let your kids parade around in a fountain half naked does not qualify as a pissfiddling HOLIDAY you MORONS. Twatmongs.

8. Mint Royale - Shake Me

The best use of a Clodagh Rodgers sample EVER (well, apart from Armand Van Helden's epic reworking of Everybody Go Home, The Party's Over, of course).

9. HMHB - Everythings AOR

I can put a tennis racket up against my face and pretend that I am Kendo Nagasaki. Word. McIntyre, Treadmore & Davitt is the best HMHB album and anyone who tells you any different is evil and wants to burgle your house.

10. The Solarflares- Valerie

Very possibly the best song by the second best band that Graham Day has sung in. And if that isn't recommendation enough for you to go sprinting from your pit of squalor to secure a purchase of their entire back catalogue, I don't know what is.

11. JCS OST - The Last Supper

sPazTunes is liking the musicals this weekend. And why the hell not? Ian Gillan and Murray Head going at it hammer and tongs. Not in a sexual way. I mean, I like them, just not that much.

12. The Outsiders - I Love Her Still, I Always Will

That's nice to know. Legendary Dutch garage-popsters go all twangily sentimental. Lovely.

13. April March - Chick Habit

You'd have to be dead, or Noel Edmonds, not to like this song.

14. Titty Twisters Orchestra - Murder in the Graveyard

They're Italian I believe. Farfisa-y garage goodness in a swingsome style. Covering a Screaming Lord Sutch classic. Can't go wrong really. This may have been on a previous shuffle, I can't remember. Oh well, it bears repeating.

15. Lightning Bolt - Crown of Storms

Decent song, shit title.

16. The Folksmen, Mitch & Mickey, & The New Main Street Singers - A Mighty Wind

Not as good as "Never Did No Wandrin'", but it'll do. It's almost enough to make you wish the bands were real.

17. GZA - Liquid Swords

Scary Rap Dude ahoy. Best intro to any song ever in the history of both songs and introductions. All samurai, shoguns and decapitations. Followed by Mr. GZA's finest set of rapping moments. Superbly lollopingly fluid and generally excellent, bitch.

18. Curtis Mayfield - Freddie's Dead

Poor Freddie. Are you sure this is an appropriate elegy, Curtis?

19. Bryan Ferry - A Hard Rain's a Gonna Fall

Pisses all over the whiny nasal tramp original. THE MOST TRUE FACT EVER.

20. R. Dean Taylor - There's a Ghost in My House

Now this has definitely been shuffled up before (except it hadn’t been – ed.) I distinctly remember pointing out how it effortlessly surpasses any attempted covers and also pointing out the patent lunacy of Mr. Taylor, what with his seeing faces in his coffee cup. She hasn't left, R., she's just lying under your chair staring at you through the bottom of your clearly glassware coffee mug. Still, a fine way to end another thoroughly shuffled shuffle.

Well, that's me done with official shuffling for another month or so. Obviously I still indulge in the occasional freeform shuffle in the privacy of my own home. But I shan't be telling you lot about it, oh no. Anyway, t'ra.

If that didn't hit the spot, then you probably don't have one. Incomplete person alert!

FAO of shufflefandudes of the world!

Yes, that means you, bitch. I'm a big ball of charm on a stick, me.

So it's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you without a do ... actually, hang on, I was bloody right to leave you, dope shuffle to step to or not. You're an ungrateful bunch and I spoil you rotten with weekly delves into my murky musical world. A week without'll bloody well do you good. Of course, the tough stance would work better if anyone read these, but I don't care. That's right , I don't care. Jam that in your crack pipes and smoke it.

Anyway, been busy. Derek's not here, he's still attempting to track down Craig David for the purpose of extermination thereof. He here is in his new hat (Craig, not Derek):

Very fetching, I'm sure you'll agree. But enough of this tomfoolery, on with El Shuffelo dello Songsio (as the Mexicoans say).

1. Melvins - The Anti-Vermin Seed
It's fifteen minutes long. I'm going to go fetch a drink whilst it's on. It's alright, I'd still be able to hear it, it's big slow thumping beast of a song. Thanks for the concern though, appreciate it. Word.

2. Tool - Parabola
Nice of sPazTunes to open by so cleverly matching songs to my mood (i.e. the grumpy one). No idea what it's about, never do with Tool songs. Probably because I don't actively listen to them, just sit and grump along.

3. Larry and the Blue Notes - In and Out
Thrusting (hur) 60s garage paean to either a) sex, b) the hokey cokey or c) having both claustrophobia and agoraphobia and not being able to make ones mind up. Whatever it is, it's bloody brilliant.

4. The Buff Medways - Into Your Dreams (Single Mix)
Medway blah brilliant blah have to tell you again I might kill you blah.

5. The Third Bardo - I'm Five Years Ahead of My Time
I am you know. I'm typing at you from 2011. Suckers.

6. Uzun Ince Bir Yoldayim - Ozdemir Erdogan Ve Orkestrasi
It's Turkish. I thought that much would have been obvious. It's also psychedlic, man. I may have got the artist and song names the wrong way round. Because I don't speak Turkish, fool.

7. Gravy Train!!!! - Sippin' 40oz
I might have to listen to this again straight after. One listen is just never enough. Measuring liquids by weights is still stupid, mind.

8. Demented are Go! - Love Seeps Like a Festering Sore
Quite.

9. Elvis Presley - The Next Step is Love
Seamless, absolutely seamless. Scary psychobilly into Elvis, couldn't see the join with a fucking microscope. Also, I have acquired a strange and urgent hankering for a cheeseburger. Dammit.

10. Muse - Stockholm Syndrome
Possibly my favourite Muse song (although it might actually be Hysteria that is my favourite). I’m picking a favourite from a really rather small pool of songs as the vast majority of their songs are utter turgid shit, but when they get it right, they get it right in style. And then some. Bitch.

11. theAudience - A Pessimist is Never Disappointed
Maybe not, but people who buy your frigging records often are, you massively moonfaced satellite dish headed bint (I do actually really like this song. And that other one. But this is my favourite. Yes, I have a favourite Audience song. Fuck off! She still has a massive and irritating face though)

12. ODB - Cuttin' Headz (feat. the RZA)
About his shortlived career as a barber. Motherfucker.

13. Mudhoney - The Straight Life
WHEN WILL YOU ALL LISTEN? Consistent and persistent brilliance for nigh on twenty years. Almost certainly always and completely better than your favourite band. Scientists have proved this. IN A FUCKING LABORATORY. With chemicals, test tubes, mice and shit. Little genetically spliced mice that can tell things like how good a band is. Yet still you won't listen. It makes me angry. Grrr. <-- SEE? Grr.

14. Crucifucks - Pig in a Blanket
It's a gentle, almost childlike ditty about watching Babe 2: Pig in the City whilst eating Christmas food and cuddling a tiny porcine pet. Honest it is. Go on, download it, try it. You'll love it. I GUARANTEE IT.

15. Fun Lovin' Criminals - Big Night Out
Only good song on the second album. FACT. In fact, it's the only worthwhile thing any of them ever did after the first album. EVEN MORE TRUE FACT. The end of it is shit, though.

16. JCS OST - Simon Zealotes/Poor Jerusalem
The album of a thousand acronyms. Well, two. Bloody wonderful it is, too. One day you'll all see how wrong you've been. It's got Murray Head on it! Murray Head was great. His first two albums are so splendid that had I the money and/or vaguest of inclinations, I'd buy you all copies of them. If I could choose one person's voice to have, it would be Murray's. And if I had it, I'd sing all the time. Whatever I was doing. "Twee-eeenttyyy Marrrloborooooo Lii-iiights, Pleee-eeeaaaseee". Murray doesn't feature on this song.

17. Jesus and Mary Chain - Head On
My favourite JAMC song. And I still prefer the Pixies cover.

18. The Fall - C.R.E.E.P.
One of my very least favourite Fall songs. Big puddle of wank, so it is. Relatively speaking.

19. Tenacious D - Wonderboy
What powers, you ask? How about the power of flight, that do anything for you? That's levitation, Holmes. How about the power to kill at yak - from 200 yards away? WITH MIND BULLETS? That's telekinesis, Kyle.

20. Team America OST - America, Fuck Yeah (Bummer Remix)
I have the non-bummer remix version as my alarm on my phone. Doesn't half wake you up in a good mood. FUCK YEAH!

I trust that was as unenlightening for you as it was unsatisfying for me. I'm a benevolent soul.

Sweet toasty Moses, that was good.

stfu spazamp n00b!

Yeah, stfu the fuck up. LOL out loud. Etc. So we didn't get Mascherano after all (remember, I was writing this in the past). Stupid gappy mouthed fool. But we did get Carrick!

Um.

What up, shufflefandudes. It's been a momentous week - trouble in the middle east, United almost signing Carrick (and who knows, maybe Mascherano too), I went on a Murray Head Musical Appreciation Bender and, most importantly, Derek fulfilled every music fan's dream in a Jim'll Fix-it style event to end all Jim'll Fix-it style events during Coldplay's set at Live 8:

Delightful news, I'm sure you'll agree. Anyway, on with the ...

1. Nekromantix - Driller Killer
Danish psychobilly. Had some fun tunes, but unfortunately most of them are on a different album than this one is on (Curse of the Coffin, if you're interested, which I DOUBT). Latterly, one of them was responsible for Horrorpops, and really, there is no excuse in the cosmos good enough to make me forgive him for that. The steaming great stupid haired twat.

2. Arthur Alexander - You Better Move On
Need any extra reasons to want to stove Mick Jagger's head in with one of Heather Mills' spare legs? Run out of motivation for detesting his wrinkily rubberised saggy excuse for an arseface? Why, just listen to this and then listen to their frankly retarded cover and then steep yourself in the fact that their cover is generally better known. People have even been known to like it. I know, sick isn't it? Wonderful early stax soul, later brutally hacked to bits by ugly mockney cunts. The world is a sad place at times.

3. Mudhoney - I'm Spun
Even though Piece of Cake is just about the only Mudhoney album that has never managed to earn itself a permanent place of precedence in my musical heart, it still has its moments. This may be one of them, I'm never quite sure. It has good bits in it. Does that help? Still, it has helped to cleanse my mind of thoughts of the Rolling Stones ,and that can only be a good thing.

4. The Cramps - Human Fly
Bzz bzz bzz. It's The Cramps. It's one of the finest fucking songs ever fucking bastard well cocking created. Motherfucker. If you don't like this, you should have your brains whisked and then fed to gerbils through a STRAW. It's all you deserve.

5. The Specials - Racquel (BBC Session)
Terry Hall once threw himself repeatedly off a wall in order to injure himself sufficiently that his bid to stay off school might be successful. Nothing to do with the song, but it's better than me ranting about how I would like to slap Jerry Dammers for turning The Specials from a great band into a shit band just because he had a huge urge to be a right twat.

6. Screaming Trees - You Know Where It's At
I certainly do! It's just over there, behind the thing, next to that other thing. Farfisa-y goodness, yum.

7. Mark Lanegan - Pill Hill Serenade
I'm sure sPazTunes is in the process of reaching full sentience. It increasingly seems to be endeavouring to make actual coherent mixes. Lovely song, obviously.

8. The Milkshakes - Don't Love Another
Medway blah blah blah blah bloody excellent blah blah blah blah Billy Childish blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah etc.

Blah.

9. 13th Floor Elevators - Baby Blue
This version sits atop that massive big building in Kuala Lumpur and widdles on the original, sat morosely on the pavement below. Roky's voice is almost heartbreakingly wonderful, and the gimp with the jug is nowhere to be seen (or heard). Did I mention Roky's voice? I did? Well I don't care, I'm going to mention it again. It was bloody well made for songs like this.

10. Reverend Horton Heat - Baby I'm Drunk
All bow before the Reverend. NOW. I wish I was drunk. His christmas album is absolutely awesome, y'know.

11. Élégantes - Mon Soldat
Rather prim and proper sounding sixties ladypop from the heart of QUEBEC! Very nun-friendly.

12. The Seeds - Evil Hoodoo
Further proof of sPazTunes approach to sentience. Or at least it would be if it had turned up a couple of songs ago, after The Elevators. One of my favourite Seeds songs, indeed, one of my favourite sixties garage numbers. Sky's voice can be a touch grating on occasion, but on this it's fine and the rest of it grunts, grinds and drives along in a chunkily satisfying manner.

13. GLC - Charmschool
The Return of the Non-Scary Welsh Rap Dudes. Nice use of a Grange Hill theme sample. You knows it, clart.

14. Marty Robbins - Utah Corral
It's Marty Robbins. But you knew that anyway. It's a chugging high plains trail country and western croony ballad about of vicious, murderous blanket. Possibly. Either way, it's great (in a non-frosties way).

15. Unsane - Make Them Cry
Christ, I nearly had an episode then. One way to change the mood, that's for certain. Inoffensive, heartfelt little Marty straight into the full, massive gutgrinding power of the frankly terrifying (in a good way) Unsane. If more bands sounded like Unsane, the world would be a better place. FACT.

16. Pink Floyd - See Emily Play (Fake Stereo Mix)
Without this, Blur would never have had a career. Despite that, I still love Pink Floyd and I still love this song.

17. The Dirtbombs - Tina Louise
The Dirtbombs at their most thunderous and convincingly sixties sounding. This is a good thing, in case you were unsure for some reason. Tina Louise >>>>> Tori Spelling. It must be true, if The Dirtbombs say so.

18. The Damned - Love Song (Ed Hollis Version)
I'll be the ticket, if you're my collector, I'll dodge the fare, if you're my inspector. If I need to tell you again how fuckingly splendid this song is, I might have to punch you upside the chops. Motherfucker.

19. Reverend Horton Heat - Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Maybe sPazTunes isn't so sentient after all. Or maybe it just has really good taste. I TOLD you the christmas album was awesome, and this is very possibly the single most majestic and wonderful christmas song ever recorded in the history of noises recorded for posterity. It sort of fades in and out of the batman theme at times, too. Right again, Batman! Right again, Boy Wonder. This and his version of The Orb's "Pretty Paper" should be compulsory listening. Not just at christmas, all year round motherfucker.

20. Mudhoney - Sonic Infusion (full length album version)
Last time I saw Mudhoney was when they were touring this album. They opened with "Baby Can You Dig The Light" and they closed on this. Just like the album, really. And you know what? It was intestine-gratingly fantastic. Words simply cannot convey just how utterly head-segmentingly wonderful the whole thing was, and the new songs were just a little bit more arse-meltingly great than that (probably on account of them not having played them eight bazillion times before).

Plus, it was the first time I'd seen them with the new bass player (Guy Maddison formerly of Lubricated Goat amongst others) and he was the spitting image of Tom Sizemore. Minus the hookers and obigatory screen-death in ensemble movie, of course (damn you Hollywood. Why do you always give Tom Sizemore the one character you want to survive/get away with it and then KILL HIM? WHY?). I think you should all endeavour to invent a time machine just so you can see that gig. Go on, get to it.

21. Wu-Tang Clan - Uzi (Pinky Ring)
So I've done one extra. I don't care. Think of it like a secret track on an album (although you don't necessarily have to sit in silence for twenty minutes before reading this bit like you would have to do with an actual secret track). Scary Rap Dudes! Don't erase none of that good shit at the beginning! Pinky ring shit! I have little idea what this means! A veritable masterclass in beats, mixing and rhymes. Ghostface's second greatest Wu-Tang performance (the greatest being on "Rules" from the same album. Who the fuck knocked our buildings down indeed).

Motherfucker.

Not a bad mix, really. In fact, it was absolutely fucking wonderful. It must have been, The Penguins think so. And no one in their right mind argues with The Penguins.

There was this picture of dancing penguins originally, right. I can't be arsed finding it again. Just imagine some quality and amusing prancing dancing penguinoids and quit yer yap.