Don't Look Now!

Either one cat covering another cat's eyes, or some kind of perverted feline recreation of something to do with Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland. Or perhaps Tony Christie and Donald Pleasance. Ew. I feel a bit sick.

Sage advice. But, if you insist on ignoring it, then be prepared for a load of old waffle and numerous musical oddities. Because that's what I do. And, even if I do say so myself, I do it bloody sodding well. So don't say that you haven't been warned (unless of course you find yourself in a situation where you might have expected to have been warned, but hadn't. You can say it then, if you like, although I doubt whining would help).

1. The Hush Puppies - Hey, Stop Messin' Around!
Ahhh, singing shoes.

2. Nation of Ulysses - NOU Future Vision Hypothesi
Nation of Ulysses, Ulyssee-ee-ees, soaring through all the galaxies. In search of Earth, flying into the night. Nation of Ulysses, Ulyssee-ee-ees, fighting evil and tyranny, with all their heart, and with all of their might. Nation of Ulyssee-eee-eee-eee-eess, no one else can do the things they do.

3. The Dukes of the Stratosphear - Your Gold Dress
Out of all of them, I think this is the one that sounds most like an [I]actual[/I] late 60s floyd-influenced band rather than an affectionate and accurate tribute. Well, apart from the jingly jangly bit, that bit is just a little too well produced, a touch too shiny. They fall into the category of songs that I enjoy and like, but that mean absolutely sod all to me. If that makes any sense.

4. Sam & Dave - Soul Man
A moving ballad about having to smear your face in shoeshine in order to get into an American college. Christ I hate that film. Couldn't ruin the song for me though - being horrendously overplayed at the expense of other just as deserving Sam & Dave songs did that.

5. Melvins - Influence of Atmosphere
Makes a 1.52s song sound like a grindtastic epic. That's how good Melvins are.

6. Ghostface Killah - The Grain (feat. RZA)
I like Ghostface, but he's unfortunately way down the list on the Wu solo efforts, far behind the first efforts from U-God, GZA, Raekwon, ODB and Meth. Still, no great shame, being behind five of my favourite albums. Plus, he's ahead of Redman, which I am sure is a source of endless comfort to him.

7. The Cramps - Can't Find My Mind
It's in your head. Or maybe not, seeing as it's Lux.

8. The Deadly Snakes - A Bird in the Hand (is worthless)
He probably thinks he sounds like Stephin Merritt. He actually really sounds like Neil Diamond. This is not a bad thing.

9. Mark Lanegan - One Way Street
I'm reasonably sure that I've had this one on a bout of sPazTuning before. Still, I'm not complaining - if it's good enough for my signature, it should be good enough to make you all rush out and buy everything Mark Lanegan has ever made, ever. So go on, do it. GO ON! QUICKLY!

10. Girl Trouble - Kissin' Cousins
Girl Trouble + Elvis Movie Song = Fan-fucking-tastic.

11. Sun Ra & The Blues Project - Batman Theme
It's the Batman theme, done by Sun Ra. What more could you bastard well want from life?

12. System of a Down - Chic'n'Stu
It's about a pizza pie or something. And it's cocking wonderful. I still want the beard. And I'm still not allowed, apparently (although the revelation that I want the original beard, and not the more recent version that looks like Rameses II on Civilization has mellowed things somewhat. Although I'm still quite aware of not being Armenian, Andyroo).

13. Belle & Sebastian - Wrapped Up in Books
You know that a band has entered the "pointless" category when they start simultaneously ripping off Cliff Bloody Richard and themselves. Shocking. And not in a good way. My poor ears. It's not without agreeable parts, but they just leave you thinking "well, I could get that from this song, or that song, songs that do the exact same thing - only better, and without Out in the Bastarding Country as the chorus". Maybe not thinking precisely that, but something similar.

14. Barbara Acklin - To Sir With Love
As fine a slice of Brunswick soul as this undoubtedly is (and as much as it pisses all over the original), and as beatiful as the song may be, you have to hope that she eventually got the police involved. It's just not right, teachers doing that sort of thing.

15. Terrorvision - Alice, What's The Matter?
Well? Alice? Come on, spill the beans. They've been asking you for years now. Miserable cow. Hardly deserving of such a bloody good song, if you ask me.

16. Shiratori Maika - Drive
One that definitely falls into the "slavishly faithful" category of cover versions. Well, as slavishly faithful as a Japanese woman can get to a bald nutter with a blue stripe round his head. Very pretty (the song, not the woman or bald nutter. Although I'm sure they are both very comely in their own individual ways).

17. Tony Christie - Las Vegas
"Hey Las Vegas, can nothing save us from you" poor man, clearly has a gambling problem. "Night after night, watching the wheel go round" he's in deep, the urge to throw good money after bad dragging the poor fellow and his addiction deeper and deeper in. "Hey Las Vegas, the Devil gave us to you" see? He feels utterly helpless and at the mercy of his demons. "One of these days, I'm gonna burn you down" ARSON IS NEVER THE ANSWER TONY. One of his five great songs, the rest are dismal shite.

18. Nina Simone - See Line Woman
Still sounds like a man.

19. Rammstein - Rein Raus
Gets me everytime. The intro sounds like Wild Thing by Tone Loc. Dead ringer for it, it is. Or maybe Wild Thing crossed with Funky Cold Medina (which is a bit like crossing the one song with itself, but still). Anyway, it's not like I'm disappointed. How could you be disappointed by Rammstein? Well, perhaps you could if you could understand the lyrics, I dunno, mainly because I can't. But I doubt it. Fantastically blustery overblown and monstrously entertaining theatrical nonsense. Wonderful.

20. Mudhoney - You Stupid Asshole
Both an unutterably fine song, and a fitting comment on the end of the endeavour - both you for reading it (whoever you are) and me for bothering. Juepa!

T'ra.