I'm invisible!

A picture of an invisible cat, I think. I can't see it myself.

Hurrrrrrrrrrr.

Don't shatter his illusions, poor thing. Time will do that soon enough. Or maybe it won't, on account of it being a cat and all. Highly unlikely that it has a firm understanding of the concept of relative visibility, when you think about it. Which I'm not doing, because it would be a waste of my brain resources.

Whereas this bizarre exercise in sPazTuning isn't a waste of my brain resources? It's all relative, I suppose. Like my Gran.

1. LL Cool J - Dangerous
I've seen Deep Blue Sea. You're about as dangerous as a zombie gerbil, James. Although he wasn't always musically useless, as this shows. Really don't think it needs to be six bloody minutes long, mind.

2. Tom Jones - I'm Coming Home
Best get the kettle on for the leathery old so and so then.

3. DJ Format - I'm Good (feat. Abdominal)
Sounds like all the other DJ Format songs featuring Abdominal. That is, pleasant, professional and thoroughly unexciting. If I owned a bar and wanted to attract wankers, I'd play this at a reasonable volume. I'd also hike the prices of the drinks and hire ignorant and vacant bar staff that were 86% haircut. Not to mention stuffing the available space with a completely annoying arrangement of mismatched sofas that look comfy but in reality try to eat you from the arse upwards, so that when you actually sit in them properly, you can't actually talk to anyone because you've reclined to such a degree that you are practically prone. Then I'd shoot myself in the eyes with a bleach gun. And then a real one (provided I could still find it without my eyes).

4. Elvis Presley - Teddy Bear
Pervert.

5. Northside - My Rising Star
Bunch of wankers.

6. Nirvana - Rape Me
No, because that would be illegal and necrophilia. Which is also illegal. So it would be doubly illegal, so doubly no. Pervert.

7. Bryan Ferry - Hold On (I'm Coming)
Pervert.

8. Tony Christie - I Did What I Did for Maria
If it really is the last day that you'll ever see, Tony, why are you wasting it writing and recording a song about the whole thing? Serves you right, you massive vigilante.

9. Gas Huffer - Mole
The best song about a mole ever. And also the best song ever recorded by Gas Huffer, edging out Firebug by the width of a gnat's chuff.

10. The Temptations - You're My Everything
What, even your toilet paper? Your discarded old underwear? Your empty bean tins for recycling? Are you sure you mean everything?

11. Ray Charles - Hallelujah I Love Her So
Yeah, but you can't see her, can you.

12. The Specials - Monkey Man
Racists.

13. Os Brasas - Pancho Lopez
It's Davey Crockett. In Brazilian. With Pancho Lopez in place of Davey Crockett. Panchooo, Pancho Lopez, el kingio dello wildo frontierio.

14. The Who - Tommy Can You Hear Me?
No, he can't. He's deaf. You should know, you bloody well invented him.

15. Monster Magnet - The Game
Approximately four thousand times more appealing than a song called Monster Magnet by The Game would be.

16. Graham Bonnett - Night Games
Should be about nocturnal chess, is actually about clandestine perverts.

17. PP Arnold - The First Cut is the Deepest
Hurr, she's named after a willy. Also, what a load of nonsense. What if you're attacked by a mad axe wielding psycho with a rubbish aim? The first go might only nick your arm, then they might follow it up by cleaving your head in two, which is quite definitely the deeper of the two cuts. Tsk. Hurr, pee pee. She's friends with Mick Talbot, which makes her a stupid cow.

18. The Rockin' Ramrods - She Lied
The bitch. If it happens to her I hope she'll cry, too. How could she? Mind you, they don't specify quite what she lied about. She might just have claimed there was still milk in the fridge when there wasn't. Hardly worth writing a song about. The wankers.

19. Afghan Whigs - Here Comes Jesus
Christ, better set another place at the table then. Bloody freeloader. It’s all go tonight.

20. Helios Creed - Bend Over
No. Pervert.

There.

Bye.