Seeing as my reminiscing over the plight of Barry and Keith Wiper somewhat ruined the last one, I'm back once again (yes, like the renegade master. So better hide those D4s, else I'll only be damaging them) with another to amaze, bore, mystify and/or generally leave utterly cold. You just don't know how lucky you are. Because you’re a bit thick, innit.
1. Dead Kennedys -
I spent most of the song searching for the umlauted u, sorry. The first, but not the best, attempt they made at the song. My favourite is "We've Got a Bigger Problem Now" from the In God We Trust Inc. ep (with the grand quietly jazzy bits inbetween the noisy bits), although the recent live version about Arnie that Jello did with the Melvins is pretty darn fine, too.
2. Iron Maiden - Quest For Fire
Endearingly rubbish. Bruce's high notes make me feel vaguely embarrassed on his behalf. It's about man searching for fire in a land inhabited by enormous dinosaurs. Bruce, Steve, Ed, the other one - THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. They didn't read about it in the Caveman Metro and then set off wandering the countryside looking for it, dodging Stegosaurs and the like. Still miles better than anything off Seventh Son, mind.
3. The Wipers - Over the Edge
Despite all their personal troubles, I love The Wipers. And this is a good example of why you should, too. Your favourite band depended on them. Unless your favourite band is The Proclaimers. Or Journey South.
4. The Damned - Looking at You
A cover that manages to be about forty three and a half times better than the original (MC5). Was a bit tedious live, though, mainly as they used it as an excuse for Dave Vanian to have a rest. He'd toddle off for the middle bit whilst Rat and Captain Sensible showed off for a bit. You'd see him wandering around behind the stage, doing a crossword and drinking ribena. A luxury not afforded to us, the audience, unfortunately. We all had to take our chances at the bar, which was obviously rammed by that point because everyone new that was the time to go to the bar. They may as well have had an official intermission or something, because no one stayed to watch Rat wanking over his bloody drums. What a dreadful mental image, I've just vomited on myself.
5. The Cougars - Teku Teku Tengoku
The best song ever in Japanese. Jona'll confirm this, I'm sure I pestered him to download it off me at some point. Haven't a clue what it's about, but it's bloody marvelous. Slinkingly sixties wonderfulness. In Japanese. What more do you want?
6. Terrorvision - Discotheque Wreck
I tried to go and see them in concert once. They wouldn't let me. Apparently, you needed a license or something. A Terrorvision license. I have to tell that "joke" whenever I mention Terrorvision. It's a tradition, or an old charter, or something. Anyway, you should all be ashamed of yourselves. If you'd loved Terrorvision the way they should be loved, then maybe they wouldn't have gone away and we'd have even more dead smart songs like this one. You bastards.
7. Bruce Springsteen - State Trooper
From Will Oldham's favourite Bruce album. Well, the one he steals from the most, at any rate. And why not, it's a bloody good album stuffed full of bloody good songs. So there. He should have done more like this, instead of Tunnel of Love. Damn him.
8. Flipper - Sex Bomb
I'm sure this has cropped up before, but I'm certainly not complaining. It's one of the songs that everyone in the world should have. Nearly eight minutes of splendour, feels like less than two. One listen is never enough. NEVER. Hypnotic bass, incongruous sax, screamy shouty vocals (which you just know Kurt liked a little bit too much). Not much by way of lyrics, beyond "sex bomb baby, yeah" and all the shouty screams, but it doesn't matter. Bloody fucking wonderful. I cannot recommend this song enough, I really can't.
9. Six Finger Satellite - Funny Like a Clown
Which is to say, not in the least bit funny at all. In fact, more scary than funny. A bit like the song. SFS really should have been widely adored, not roundly ignored. There is a bowloid with a SFS secret, but that secret shall remain just that (and no, the secret isn't that they're the only other person to know who SFS are, but that is also true, I suspect).
10. Busta Rhymes (feat. P. Diddy, Pharrell and about thirty five other people, including Mr. T. in the video) - Pass the Courvoisier Part II
My ass getting big now. Say what, Busta? Your ass is doing what now? Busta does his usual trick of occupying less than 33% of his own song. The lazy tosser. Still, you can't beat a bit of Busta. Not even with a really big stick. All charty rap songs should be this good.
11. Tony Christie - Avenues and Alleyways
Theme tune to The Protectors and my favourite song when I was about 4. And if that isn't recommendation enough, then I don't bloody well know what is.
12. The Knights of the New Crusade - He Has Risen
Random my fucking arse. This has been on before - which, out of 25k songs probably isn't that likely. Still, bloody good. It's about Jesus, naturally. He has risen, yeah that's his bag, and now our lives, won't be a drag.
13. Jimmy Ruffin - What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?
They have a big cry and eat lots of chocolate, Jimbo. Sometimes they boil pets and the like. Lots of things, really. If you need me to tell you about the greatness of this song, then you know what you are, cement head.
14. Queen -
It's a rarity this song. A rarity because it is one of the few songs (very possibly the only one, apart from maybe the wanking song, sorry, Flick of the Wrist) on Sheer Heart Attack that doesn't make me want to go and punch Mrs Roger Taylor very hard in the face (it'd have to be him - Freddy's dead, as Curtis Mayfield predicted, with Brian May there is always the chance I might accidentally punch the innocent Anita Dobson by mistake and as for John Deacon, well, I'd likely as not have difficulty picking him out from a line up. Even if he was the only one in it). I really, really detest this album. In fact, I hate this song too, because it is followed by FUCKING LEROY FUCKING BASTARD SHITTY BROWN. I don't mind Queen, I really don't, but did they have to extend their fucking Bugsy Malone period over an entire album? No, they didn't. The song "Sheer Heart Attack" has been scientifically proven to contain three frillion times more enjoyment than the entire album of the same name. An album it isn't even on - this annoys me also. Why do bands do that? Twats.
15. The Fall - Terry Waite Sez
Stop fighting and untie me from this radiator. Oh, and be nice to one another, grow a beard like mine and go to church.
16. Monster Magnet - Snake Dance
If Satan lived in heaven, he'd be me. Uh huh. Let the Snake Dance begin!
17. Curtis Mayfield - (Don't Worry) If There's a Hell Below, We're All Going to Go
Damn skippy. Sisters, brothers and the whiteys. Blacks and the crackas. Police and their backers. Yes, ALL OF YOU. All going to hell. Likely as not in a handcart. If they're playing this, then I don't mind. Well, as long as the crackas are in a different carriage, obviously. The album cover makes it look like Curtis has the longest legs in all of creation.
18. System of a Down - Kill Rock'n'Roll
I want a beard like Serj's. I'm not allowed, apparently. No more records for quite some time from SOAD makes me sad. Although I suppose I have been somewhat spoiled recently with two wonderful albums in very short order. Still, mighty selfish of them. Just because of that, I've listened to it twice in a row.
19. Max Bygraves - A Hard Day's Night
Words really cannot describe how fucking awful this song is. Nor how much better than the original it is, too.
20. Iron Maiden - Run to the Hills
I'm going to get married to this song, should I ever get married. And buried to it. Failing that, I'm just going to walk up and down Market Street pulling along a shopping trolley with a portable stereo in it playing this over and over and over at immense volume. It's good to have a goal in life.
Best. Song. Ever.
T'ra.
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