The craze of sPazTuning is sweeping the globe and, as its bestower of name, if not its inventor, I felt I should have another go. I mean, obviously, I have a tonne of other, better things to be doing with my Friday night. I simply do this as a public service. Yes, a public service. To make you all feel better about your own music collections.
Just wait for The Wipers to finish doing their wiping, and we'll be off. It's a special World Cup sPazTune. By that I mean it is taking place during the World Cup. There isn't a theme, or anything, how could there be, it's sodding random.
A-ha. No, that isn't the first band.
1. Screaming Trees - Standing on the Edge
It's off Clairvoyance. Which should explain it to the Screaming Trees buffs amongst you. Although if you were that buffed up on your Screaming Trees you wouldn't need me to tell you that. They did better songs. Mind you they also did worse songs, and those worse songs are still miles better than lots of other bands best songs. Kinda slow, a touch of the atmospheric and a hint of the twang, with Mr. Lanegan yet to sufficiently ravage himself with substances to acquire all of that voice. A low key, low impact opening. Damn you, sPazTune Gods! (although it is still good, obviously)
2. Monster Magnet - Big God
Motherfucker. If you like Monster Magnet, you'd like it. If you hate on The Riff for whatever mentaloid reason, then you'd probably be scared by the grinding immensity of it all. They don't specify how big, unfortunately. Nor do they provide a context for that bigitude. I mean, what constitutes big, in god terms? I played Dave Wyndorf's guitar once at The Boardwalk, and also returned his microphone to him when he lost it in the crowd. He probably stunk of heroin. I got so drunk I bought two identical tops for some reason. It's a treasured memory.
3. Mary Jane Girls - All Night Long
Quite the contrast. The bassy bit was sampled in something or other, can't remember what and don't wish to expend the energy remembering or finding out. What? Oh, alright. You're bloody demanding, you are. It was Mary J. Blige, of course (it probably wouldn't have taken that much thinking, seeing as she used it in Mary Jane (All Night Long). It's alright, in a very early eighties funk slash r'n'b' slash pop but not Slash (he was probably busy). They were "cultivated" by Rick James, which probably means they all caught really horrid venereal diseases and got hooked on three hundred drugs.
4. Shockabilly - The Plunger
From Shockabilly Live! Some mental
5. Sam Gopal - It's Only Love
An acoustic raga-without-sitar group, apparently (cheers Mr. Cope). It just sounds like your above average eastern-tinged melodic late 60s psych to me, and always has done. I have a hard time crediting Lemmy's presence in the band, to be honest.
6. The Damned - Anti-Pope
Hurrah! From Machine Gun Etiquette, The Damned's finest of fine efforts by about thirty two gillion nautical and country miles. Not keen on organised religion, very keen on the guitar splendifery of Captain Sensible right on the very tippy-top of his game (yes, even better than the Big Break theme tune and Happy Talk). As much as I like the first two albums, things really got good when Brian James had his hook slung and the MC5/late 60s garage love started to come through in SPADES, motherfucker. Aw, I want to play it again.
7. Dusty Springfield - I Don't Want To Hear it Anymore
Me either, Rusty. Not because it's bad, because it isn't - it's sweet and lovely and lush and melancholy and she had a voice to melt a heart encased in ice, stored in the centre of a massive ice berg and then fired into the centre of something really icy, like the ice sun around which a large planet made entirely of ice orbits. It's just that I still want to be listening to The Damned and this evil sPazTuning is eroding that at making me all moody and wistful. Damn you, sPazTunes Gods!
8. Monster Magnet - Atomic Clock
The Motherfucking Monster Motherfucking Magnet, motherfucker. Yes, again. I think I have angered the sPazTunes Gods by repeatedly damning them. But little do they know I am secretly pleased as I am so totally feeling The Riff and would quite happily allow a horde of Monster Magnet tunes merrily grind out what remains of my brains all night. Ha, who looks foolish now? Yes, you're right, it's still me. No Mr. Wyndorf, I will NOT put your dick in plastic and your brain in a jar. I played your guitar ONCE, it did not constitute any kind of long term commitment on my part (beyond the records, obviously, but I doubt you'd want me to encase them in plastic. Would make a poor substitute experience, I would imagine).
9. The Mummies - Food, Sickles & Girls
I'm not explaining it again. Rusty Spoon music at it's best (ask JamieC), go buy it, listen to it, immerse yourself in the BudgetRock (tm) experience and then come back and thank me. And possibly pay me a small reward.
10. The Thrown Ups - Elephant Crack
Wonderful slimy, discordant and brief. It features Mark Arm, but not so as you would always notice. They always sounded like they were having fun and making a right old racket, and this is a good thing. Short, but not as short as, say, "Sparse Tits", which is only as long as it takes to say "Sparse Tits", really. Wonderful. It's about an Elephant's crack. Or possibly oversized drugs. I think the former.
Halfway, fellow travellers. Yes, I know you're pleased, no need to make a song and dance about it.
11. HMHB - Reasons to be Miserable (Part 10)
On reflection, just about the best song on the second album. A close run thing, but if you think about it, you know I'm right. Yes, yes you do. Don't argue with me. STOP IT.
I don't know anyone who puts peaches on their cornflakes, either.
12. Bad Livers - Lust For Life
By way of reciprocation, I think Iggy should give some classic bluegrass style songs the big Stooges treatment. I can't pinpoint why, but I love this more than the original to a factor of around about 23. It's just...well, great. Probably exactly how you'd imagine an old timey fiddle heavy blue grassy version of Lust for Life. Make of that what you will.
13. The Fall - Container Driver (Live at Acklam Hall,
It's The Fall. Back when they were really good and Mark was still several Special Brews in credit on the full set of marble retaining stakes.
14. The Reatards - You Fucked Up My Dreams
Jack Reatard (I think he's called Jack. Fairly sure. Look, I looked that other thing up for you, you can do this one yourself) is one genuinely angry child. Luckily he translated his little person's American rage into some fine shouty punky contemporary garage. With the emphasis on the shouty, or possibly the punky. Or maybe the fine, I'm not entirely sure. Either way, treat your ears, guts and spleen and get yourself Teenage Hate (or if you're feeling obscure and/or like a bargain hunt, the Problem Child 7"). You'll thank me eventually, and most likely Jack. He really means it, you know.
15. Percy Sledge - When a Man Loves a Woman
Oh, sPazTunes. Yes, I know it is a splendid - way beyond splendid - song, but why, of all the Sledge goodness, did you have to choose this one? Just about the only Percy Sledge song I, or anyone else, will ever hear unintentionally? You could have given me Out of Left Field, or Cover Me, or Sudden Stop or hell, even Warm and Tender Love. I always get the feeling his voice shouldn't work, but boy does it ever. Yes, it does, quite often, and in a way guaranteed to tug, peck and gnaw at your heart strings until you give in and feel Percy's pain. I'm a bit of a fan, does it show?
16. Rammstein - Wollt Ihr Das Bett in Flammen
DAS RIFF! I love Rammstein, as anyone with ears should (apart from the last album, that is still striking me as entirely nad-sucking). I want you in the fiery bed, indeed.
17. Aretha Franklin - A Natural Woman
One of triplets. Sadly, the putative careers of the other two,
18. Go Go Go Airheart - Death on Legs (Dedicated To...)
One of the more distinctly straightforward covers off Dynamite With a Laserbeam (although my personal love goes to Weasel Walter's version of Bohemian Rhapsody and The Oath's version of We Are the Champions - mystical journeys into the very heart of the cover versions art if ever there were). I like, and so would you (unless you are allergic to Queen penned songs, of course).
19. Baris Manço & Kaygisizlar - Trip
60s garage, Turkish style. And bloody wonderfully marvelous it is too. From the albums I've heard, the entire Turkish scene of the time was pretty astoundingly good, with particular attention to be paid to Mavi Isiklar, Erkin Koray and Istanbul Erkek Lisesi. Nice.
20. Duran Duran - Ordinary World
Don't you dare. Just don't. Leave the Durans alone, you bunch of big Wham! fans. Whilst no Planet Earth or
On a side note, I've just been compelled into an epic exposition of why Rio is one of the finest songs ever, why it deserves to be considered in an entirely different context, the immense debt it owes to early, mid and late Roxy Music and why every should love it as dearly as I do. It's probably a good job you aren't here, really.
And there you have it. My friday night in twenty randomly sPazTuned songs. Not a Scary Rap Dude in sight, unfortunately. Well, we can't have that, can we, so I shall pick one to finish with. Today's Scary Rap Tune by a Scary Rap Dude is...Run DMC - You Be Illin'. Okay, so none of them are particularly scary (least of all Jam Master Jay, god rest his poor soul), but goddamn how fantastic is it? That's a rhetorical question, I already know the answer, and the answer is incredibly and utterly. Especially the splendid breakdown halfway through. Bloody wonderful.
Enjoy, or else.
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