From the sPazVaults it climbs...

...it doesn't really, as it doesn't have arms, FOOL. This example was undertaken shortly after an interloper had betrayed the sPazAmp gods - creeping in, sPazAmping, using up all the goes and leaving me with nothing. Because sPazAmp goes are like eggs are to women, or sperms are to Max off of Phoenix Nights. That is, you only get half a bucket. Once they're gone, they're gone.

Whatever. Anyway, the interlopings exposed the grim truth that there is a Dungen album in my collection. It also used up a really good first song ("1 of the 2" by The Damned) and tried to draw a likeness betwixt Gravy Train!!!! and Daphne & Celeste. Foolish interloper. Anyway, far too much bollocking preamble, on with the sPazVaulting.

Dungen is NOT my fault. I made an error of judgement and listened to the praisings of folk with otherwise faultless taste (people who will remain nameless, GAV). Not my fault it turned out to be utter shit. And that song from "Hair" provided the one high point of Evan Dando's otherwise turgid, unflattering mess of a "career". Which is possibly a good thing, I'm not really sure.

Anyway, it's about time I had a go with my own sPazTunes.

1. Audioslave - Gasoline
Look, just fuck off. It's ace and has MASSIVE riffs. And RIFFZ. It's the demo version, so therefore a little grittier than the final release and therefore better. And the demented little shirtless Grunge Elf Chris Cornell is in fine, slightly incomprehensible voice. Still, I'd rather have had "1 of the 2" by The Damned as my first choice. It's not fair. Interloping sPazTunes fondlers creep in and get classy first songs and what do I get? Outed as a massive fan of Audioslave. It's not right, I tell you.

2. The Foggy Notions - Take Me Back and Hold Me
Pleasant, run of the mill 60s Garage from one of the Pebbles compilations, number 8374 I think. It features harmonica abuse.

3. Melvins - Black Santa
Probably on account of all those chimneys he shoves himself down. Ho ho ho and, to a lesser extent, ho. It's the Melvins, in moderately pleasant and tuneful mode. Not their greatest effort by any stretch.

4. The Monsters - Cosmic Belly Dance
More garage, but of a revivalist nature this time. Spooky, sleazy, twangy instrumental. Not entirely sure where the belly dancing (cosmic or otherwise) fits in, though. Oh well.

5. Sam Cooke - Win Your Love For Me
With that voice, Sam could be singing the "1234567891011TWE-EELVVEE" song from Sesame Street and I'd still love it. And, as Sam's songs go, this one is about on a par with that one from Sesame Street. The song sounds like a Ben E. King reject, but in the hands of Sam's voice (do voices have hands? They do now!), verily, it is saved. Hallelujah!

6. Roxy Music - Cry, Cry, Cry
Look, sPazTunes. You KNOW I utterly adore Roxy Music, so why do you insist on serving up one of the few truly heinous pre-Avalon earcrimes? Hm? ANSWER ME, SOFTWARE. Bastard. Skip, skip, skippity skip.

7. Screaming Lord Sutch & The Savages - Monsters in Black Tights
Would probably detract from the scariness, I'd have thought. Sounds a bit like the end theme from Stingray, and not in a good way. A LONG way from his best. If you swap "blue jeans" in for "black tights" it becomes an almost amusing cover version. Almost.

8. Toots & The Maytals - She's My Scorcher
Bet that hurts. Good, but sPazTunes seems intent on serving me second-string helpings of my favourite artists tonight, though.

9. Motherhood - Negresco #4
This is more like it. BLOODY MARVELOUS. Mad German Psych from about 1970. Sampled by David Holmes on one of his albums (I forget which, but it's used tremendously well). Huh!

10. The Astronettes - In The Hall of The Space King
Jangly, twangy, fuzzy classical cover, recorded on a Binatone cassette player. In a toilet. Aceness. Done by some mental all girl garage group (although it's an instrumental, so you can't really tell. But it IS on a compilation album of all girl garage groups, so it is a safe assumption, I reckon). More please, sPazTunes!

11. Six Finger Satellite - -
One of the many weird and wonderful Satellite Delights that are sadly lacking a title. The pigeon is, indeed, the most popular bird.

12. The Cybermen - Tune-a-Lube
Always been a bit too polished and acid-jazzy for my tastes. They have lots of JTQ albums, I suspect.

13. Deep Purple - Highway Star
Do I really need to tell you? IT'S THE PURPS! RIFF CENTRAL! Although I suspect Mr. Gillan's claims that his car will break the speed of sound are a little far fetched. Also, he asserts that his girl is "a killing machine". I'd dump her, if I were you mate. Asking for trouble, going out with a maniac serial killer. Or a tank, which is also a killing machine, he isn't really specific. Anyway, it's a chance to sit back, marvel at the wonderfulness of Jon Gandalf Lord and ROCK. I think sPazTunes has shuffled me this before. Probably trying to suck up to me, get me to overlook it outing me as an Audioslave fan. IT WON'T WORK SOFTWARE, Y'HEAR? Apparently, the "imp dance" goes really well with this song. It's a long story, involves Dungeon Keeper 2, don't ask.

14. The Saints - Memories are Made of This
Top notch late 70s Orstralian garagey punk. Bloody wonderful. In thirty years or so, HMP Australia goes from this splendour to Delta Goodrem. WHY AUSTRALIA, WHY?

15. The Cramps - Voodoo Idol
If I need to explain The Cramps to you, there is something wrong with your head. Rumbling sleazy menace in song form.

16. Beat Happening - Secret Picnic Spot
Dovetails exceptionally well with Voodoo Idol, who'd have thought it! No idea what he's babbling on about though. Crazy Calvin.

17. The Cramps - She Said
Eight gillion songs, and it chooses two Cramps songs in the space of three. Something not right there, sPazTunes. Still, not complaining. Any excuse to listen to Lux howling on with a polystyrene cup in his mouth to emulate the rather unique efforts of Hasil Adkins. And, Meg White Stripe, THAT is how to drum when there's no bass player, you stupid faced amateur. Listen and learn from The Knox you ham-fisted fool.

18. Gravy Train!!!! - Darque Tan
Now it's just trying to copy the interloping sPazTunes fondlers selection. Sounds bugger all like Daphne & Celeste in any stretch of any demented imagination. Well, it's sung by females, I guess. But that's about it. This is good, for a start.

19. P.P. Arnold - God Only Knows
One of the eight thousand covers-by-numbers that make up 85% of Ms. Arnold's career. Great voice, waste of time and talent.

20. Melvins - Bitter Into Sympathy (2)
It's doing it again! Why another Melvins song, sPazTunes? Okay, so this time they're in wonderful grind your skull out slowly mode, but still, IT'S MEANT TO BE RANDOM. Oh well.

Just be thankful that reading this doesn't waste as much of your life as writing it did of mine.