Okay, so I lied last week. I don't really have anything better to do of a Friday night - how could I? sPazTuning is where it's at - it's the thing, the bomb and the shiznit (although not the word. That's Grease, as everyone knows). It's more addictive than crack, eight times more fun and about 47% cheaper! Also, I am a very sad man and have come to yearn for a good Friday night in, secretly sPazTuning. I tried to seek help, but it appears that they haven't got around to setting up the support group yet. Damn you, well-meaning volunteers at the community centre, damn you all TO HELL!
It has been pointed out to me that this doesn't consitute much by way of secretly sPazTuning, as I am telling everyone. However, once more I have the last laugh - I know no one bothers to read them! HA! In your FACE, nay-sayers!
Right, once I have prepared a drink and the Ramonetures have finished this particular segment of Venturesified Ramonesitude (pretty much indistinguishable from the last one), we shall begin. Or I shall begin, you'll have to wait until I've finished, by which time now will be a long time ago. In a manner of speaking.
Right.
1. The Coasters - Down Home Girl
It's the official World Cup song for Didier Drogba et al (I agree with Mac, The Coasters makes a better name than Ivorians). They don't seem to be mentioning football very much, though. It's all about some bint or other. No wonder they've gone out already, the FOOLS. Amazingly, given that they've obviously only just recorded this for the tournament, The Mummies covered it almost TEN YEARS AGO. I think they have a tardis. Or the song does. Or something. It's lazy, occasionally plinky and horntastic Coasters goodness. Whatever the hell THAT means.
2. Inspectah Deck - 9th Chamber (feat. La the Dark Man, Baretta 9, Killa Sin & Street Life)
So many Scary Rap Dude helpers, there is barely room for the good Inspectah himself! I don't think he calls them helpers, mind. He calls them motherfucking helpers, bitch. Obviously. Not the strongest of the Wu, to be honest, but far from terrible. Plus, he makes up for a slightly characterless style by having a trilby, an overcoat, extendable robot arms and a tendency to hang around with a dog called Brain.
3. Beat Happening - Jamboree
It's short. He sings with his giantist voice. It speeds up and slows down a bit in the middle. It's short. Not many instruments. If you already know and love Beat Happening, you will likely as not already know and love this. And if you don't, go find some other schmo to give you the guided tour, buster, I got a shuffle to finish!
4. GLC - Shit Yourself
Nice work sPazTunes. Scary Rap Dudes & his motherfucking helpers, bitch; one minute of Calvin; UnScary Rap Newportonians rapping about getting ecked up and despoiling ones own pants. Not the most obvious of segueways is it, you stupid software. Fun, though.
5. The Masonics - Wounded Pride
Medway by moderately pleasing numbers. If this makes no sense to you, hey, at least you're still reading! Pleasing, slightly fuzzy guitar pop with wonderfully basic production tendencies and a strong 60s flavour. If that doesn't sound like a recipe to make your taste buds climb right out of your gob and go sprinting down to the nearest record vending boutique with the express intention of scoring some of that there shit right there, well, you're probably already dead. Or Ronan Keating.
6. Pussy Galore - Eat Me
No! Just carry on making your wonderfully discordant clangings and mini-riffz and things, PERVERT. Dial 'M' for Motherfucker, motherfucker!
7. Paul Revere & The Raiders - Over You
Well i'm not over you yet, you fucker. Rub it in why don't you. One or three songs apart, Paul Revere was hardly the most exciting of the average and bland US sixties popsters (the good songs being SS396, Kicks and, um, a remix of SS396. Kicks is really good, though). If you like plain and rather bland sixties guitar pop, then you're probably an idiot.
8. The Barbarians - Are You a Girl or Are You a Boy?
A boy, thanks. Well, a gruffty old bearded man, at any rate. Nice of you to ask though, in your
9. Mixmaster Mike - Beastie Boys/Three MCs
The rappers it is okay for middle class non-rap liking people to like, as mixed by Mixmaster Mike! On the mix! Rap? Of course I like rap! Look, I have a Beastie Boys album! It proves the MASSIVE breadth of my taste! And look, I also really HEART really hardcore, nasty, scary guitar punk rock music - I have Songs About Fucking for heaven's sakes! It's just over there, next to Protection and my two Beatles best ofs, the red one AND the blue one. That's how crazy, off the wall and downright motherfucking ECLECTIC my musical taste is! Crudite? Dip? Another foreign sounding lager? Of course you can borrow my Murakami! I have four copies of each, expressly for this purpose! What's it about? Christ, I have no idea - I don't [I]read[/I] them, that would ruin the spine and make it more difficult for visitors to see what it is and instantly know how goddamn motherfucking INTELLECTUAL I am! Ha ha! The very idea. Now, if you'll pardon me, I think my trout is burning on the BBQ. I know, that's no way to talk about a lady...
10. Earth - Geometry of Murder
I think they got the title the wrong way round. Well, I found geometry a bloody struggle. Grinding RIFFZ, simultaneously tickling your spleen and boring a hole into your skull, all at a wonderfully, cruelly slow pace. In a good way. Much less clean than many of their other albums, and much better as a result.
Halfway. No, you can't go for a wee. SIT DOWN. Have a club biscuit. DON'T WEE ON IT, YOU DIRTY CHILD.
11. The Daggermen - I've Been Hurt
Fetch the witch hazel! No it won't make it hurt less, but it will bring the bruising out. No, I have no idea why this is meant to be a good thing, either. Maybe it'll go a funny colour and amuse you? A-list medway goodness, some of whom were also in The Kravin' "A"'s, who were above the A-list, and there isn't even a name for that!
12. Nation of Ulysses - Spectra Sonic Sound
It's ace and you'd love it. Don't ask me why, just trust me. Rioty, tuneful, energetic, noisy, urgent and splendid. No idea what he's on about, mind. Who cares!
13. Andre Williams - Mozelle
The sleazy swamp blues king himself. Or possibly the swampy sleaze blues king. Or maybe even the blue king of the sleazy swamp. Fuck it, he's brilliant and has been for a VERY long time indeed. Ain't no one quite like Andre, and you'd do well to find out why (anything off the album Mr. Rhythm is as good a place to start as any).
14. The Prisoners - American Jingle
You know how The Kravin' "A"'s were above even the A-list of medway goodness? Well The Prisoners are EIGHT LEVELS above even that! And if there wasn't a name for the first one, then there sure as hell ain't one for this! This is a live, instrumental interlude from their split live LP with The Milkshakes. Still ace, although you should all rush out and acquire The Last Fourfathers. I know I seem to say that about everything, but this time I really mean it!
15. Screaming Jay Hawkins - Frenzy!
Words cannot begin to describe the wonderful, awesome and incomparably fantastic majesty of Screaming Jay in general and this song in particular. If mental old rockin' blues gets better than this, well, then you're lying! Because it doesn't! Never fails to put me in a good mood (although to be fair I've never tried listening to after swerving to avoid a mouse whilst driving an ambulance full of dying people and ploughing into a line of schoolchildren). Ace!
16. Snuff - A Lover's Concerto
Snuff being average (i.e. they aren't covering a theme tune or an advert and are rather trying to do an actual song instead). If Busted were 40, drank Stella and ate whelks, they still wouldn't sound like this.
17. Los Chijuas - Neon Rainbow
Rainbows were so popular in 1960s
18. Helios Creed - The Last Laugh
Early 90s AmRep sludgey goodness from the more drug-prone, space-fancying branch of things. Think Hawkwind being buggered by Melvins. If you want to make yourself sick, that is.
19. Danger Mouse - What More Can I Say
Where's Penfold?!? What? Laying down some phat beats? But he's a fucking GERBIL, you fool. He'll never be able to reach the controls of the Roland. Look, Danger, Mr. Mouse, Norman, whatever your name is - making one utterly splendid album out of two utterly shite ones does NOT give you the right to make a rubbish band called Gnarls Barkley and then go titting around the summer like you own it. I do love this, though. Doesn't excuse him Gorillaz either, mind. Oh no. NOTHING is that good.
This should be the last one, it has a nice shuffle-ending feel to it (besides, I could then go and listen to the other chunks of the album I really like. As it is, I'll get something else that will probably distract my ears). Oh well. I'm sad the shuffle is ending. I bet you're not.
20. Mudhoney - Editions of You
Proof, if proof be need be, that combining two of my favouritest bands in the entire universe of song is not necessarily a guarantee of my undying affections. You get the fucking lyrics wrong, Arm! It's "and as I was drifting past the Lorelei", NOT "northern lights" you big American TIT! You don't get sirens singing in SPACE! Probably. I mean, I've never been to check. If you like the song enough to want to cover it, I would've thought you'd know the lyrics. I have a similar problem with Scissor Sisters version of Comfortably Numb. It's "ship smoke", you GOONS!
Due to the sad, premature end of this shuffle, you've missed out on Jackie & The Cedrics version of "You're Sixteen". Yes, I know, it's a criminal, crying, awful shame. Never mind. There, there. No Tom Jones for about the gillionth sPazTune in a row, and no further chances to extrapolate on my
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