Treachery!

That was the theme of the removed picture. It was that one of the two cats doing that thing, the really funny thing, and everyone laughed. Ha ha ha. Now fuck off.

Okay, so it wasn't a year. It was a week. Hardly any at all difference in cosmic or geological terms. Regardless, come with me now on a journey through time and space ... well, the labyrinthine recesses of my musical collection, at any rate. It'll be all the same stuff as usual no doubt, including the "humour" from me. Or don't come, I don't really care.

Yeah.

1. Pearl Jam - My Way
Yes, that My Way. It's a live rendition that comprised the b-side of one of their fan-club only singles. So you can probably quite accurately imagine the quality of a) sound and b) performance. It wasn't even good enough to be the a-side of a gift to the sort of people who would happily pay to hear Eddie play the spoons. Or vomit in a vaguely rhythmic fashion. May have been fun if you'd been there. I wasn't and I doubt any of you were. Fucking awful.

2. Chef - No Substitute
Stellar opening, sPazTunes. Way to make my musical collection an even more radiant pit of shit than most people already surmise it to be. Yes, that Chef. So on the plus side, you have Isaac's superb voice. On the down side, well, on the down side you have the fact that it barely sustains your ears' attention for the entire length of the first listen. And, seeing as I've heard it often before, it's not much fun. Not even Isaac singing his own high pitched backing inbetween his own bits. At least it's not Chocolate Salty Balls, I suppose.

3. Devo - Space Junk
It's Devo. So yes, lurking at the back of your mind is the Rugrats theme. Not my favourite Devo song. Not even in the top three. Or top five. Hell, it doesn't make the top ten. Why do I have a top ten of Devo songs readibly referenceable in my head? Still, easy enough on the ears.

4. Mirah - You've Gone Away Enough
But you haven't. Please go away a bit further. Bit further. Little bit further. Ta.

5. Mudhoney - Ounce of Deception
There are six gillion reasons to love Mudhoney, and you can hear them all in pretty much every bastarding song. I want all six gillion learnt and recitable by next week, please. Or at least four.

6. Van Der Graaf Generator - After the Flood
You'll need a sodding great mop. Eleven and a half minutes of splendidness. Splendidity. Splendosity. I could be a while doing this, we've got time to kill. Splendulousness. Splenderisity. No, not even I could fill the remaining eight minutes with whimsical spellings of splendid. Just go and listen to the song. And the rest of the album "The Least We Can Do is Wave to Each Other", because then you'd get to hear the heartpunchingly beautiful Refugees, as well. Which is not to be confused with The Fugees, who are in no way heartpunchingly beautiful. Although that Pras sure has his moments. It's got an organ (hurr, hurr), a flute, a touch of discordant atonality, lots of different speeds and Peter Hamill's voice. That's every box well and truly ticked for me, cement head.

7. Big Black - Fish Fry
It's like every other Big Black song - i.e. horrendously overrated and not as good as Naked Raygun. Apart from Colombian Necktie. I really like that one. But it's like all the other ones apart from that one.

8. Nova Mob - Please Don't Ask
The nice end of solo Hüsker Dü, the Grant end, the end without Bob being an MTV suck up. I guessed the alt+numbers for the 'ü' then. Took me a while. It's really quite a pretty song. Only to be expected, given that it has been proved by scientists in a lab that Grant >>> Bob to a factor of transfinity. Plus one. In your FACE, Mouldboy.

9. Led Zeppelin - Achilles Last Stand
Watch your heels! Should have worn protective boots, he'd have been fine. Led Zeppelin are one of those bands that manage to be overrated and underrated at the same time. This falls into the overrated bit. Long for the sake of it, and a minimum of riff-based hotness. Still, it's alright I suppose, just not for ten minutes. I think sPazTunes is going for some kind of mix-length record.

10. Quintron & Miss Pussycat - Shoplifter
It goes "boing" occasionally. Honestly, words cannot do justice to the unique aceness of Mr. Quintron. Go find out for yourself. And there would be worse starting points than this song. Go on. GO ON.

11. Denny & Lenny and the Hollywood Ghouls - Monster's Love
It's a do-wop lament about a monster. Your mind should be boggling slightly about now, cement head.

12. Deep Purple - Pictures of Home
A choice slice of The Purps. Ian Gillan on cracking form, you can almost hear a young Bruce Dickinson taking notes. As Machine Head songs go, it's not as good as Highway Star or Space Truckin', but better than Smoke on the Water (the live version of that is the only good one anyway). Chugs along like a bitch. A big rock bitch.

13. The Saints - Run Down
Thanks, Australia. Thaustralia. Punkily and grubbily poppy, with a bearable amount of harmonica (which, for me, isn't a terribly large amount). Should have been more famous. Famouser.

14. Roxy Music - Do The Strand (Live '75)
Fantastic song, good version (although the sound levels jump dramatically now and then. Bastard for headphones. But still, as bootlegs go, it's pretty fucking damn wonderful).

15. BBC Radiophonic Workshop - Dr. Who Theme
In the very slight possibility that Gav is reading this nonsense, I should make it clear that it's the 1980-85 version. There is a difference, you know. Dediggedyding dediggedyding oooooh weeeeeeeee ooooooooooohhh...

16. The Lovemongers - Battle of Evermore
Piss. In music form.

17. The Sweet - Action
How good were t'Sweet. No, seriously. I'd forgotten. AND THATS WHY EVERBODY WANTS A PIECE OF THE ACTION. Sorry, overtaken by the lyrics there. It's no Teenage Rampage, but it's still mighty fine. Feeling fed up? Listen to t'Sweet! Guaranteed cure. But not the shit ones. Only the good ones. Like this one. I GOT WHAT EVERYBODY NEEDS, SATISFACTION GUARANTEED. Sorry, it happened again.

18. Beat Happening - Knick Knack
Bit of a change, there. A lovely one, though. Now, give me t'Sweet back, dammit.

19. The Masonics - Return of the Galloping Goblin
Certainly gallops, in its little medway way. Not sure about the Goblin aspect, though. Who cares, when it's this good!

20. Electric Wizard - Weird Tales / Electric Frost / Altar of Melektaus
Fuck, yeah. A quarter hour of head-scouring, brain-stirring, innards-rumbling grinding riffz. With a motherfucking Z. Honestly, why there isn't a copy of "Dopethrone" in every household in the land, NAY, the world, I'll never know. Actually, I know already. It's because you're all cement heads who haven't realised how fucking ecstatically and rib-jarringly wonderful this album is. I reckon Funeralopolis should be played at my funeral. But only if I could be alive to see their faces. And to make sure they played all nine minutes of it. With all fifteen minutes of this at the wake. That'd be ace.

So yes. I'm off to stick Dopethrone on repeat about forty-three times.

T'ra.