I etted it.
---
A quickfire (i.e. only ten. Which isn't quickfire at all. It's just shorter) Roxy Music shuffle, including the two Bry(i)an's solo output, but sadly lacking Phil Manzanera's, 801, the Explorers or Andy Mackay (they're all still on vinyl. Which is a particular shame with regards to Andy Mackay, as it denies the chance of a saxophone based instrumental version of Ride of the Valkyries).
Enjoy it, or else. The shuffle is still at risk of getting it. IN THE SHUFFLE HEAD.
1. In Every Dream Home a Heartache
A pleasing start. Perverted nonsense about blow-up dolls and posh houses with posh taps. Nice brooding start, big Manzanera freakout at the end. Five and half minutes of nonsensical, perverted perfection. With taps!
Watch Bryan Ferry sweat and pretend to play a guitar. Witness Paul Thompson's visible delight when he finally gets to hit something properly with his drumsticks. See Brian Eno grind pepper. He's dressed as a peacock!
2. Brian Eno - Here Come the Warm Jets
Oi, you. Yes, you. Blokey out of Flaming Lips. Brian wants his tune back. And David Essex wants his early eighties head back.
3. Bryan Ferry - These Foolish Things
Admirable display of impartiality by the sPazAmp. Bryan indulging himself to splendid effect. Should be rubbish, is actually great.
See Bryan flick ash at a tiny ashtray woman.
4. Roxy Music - 2HB
The song about the acting pencil from the 40s. Still sounds slightly like music from the future. And from space. And the past. Retro space future music about pencils. It's the way forward. And back. One of my favourite songs ever.
5. Roxy Music - All I Want is You
Full-on pop tastiness mode, this time. Effortlessly cool, gloriously good fun.
See Paul Thompson try and drum his way into Mao's Communist Party. Watch Bryan Ferry try and sneak into the Gestapo. Witness Andy Mackay's audition for Showaddywaddy.
6. Bryan Ferry - What Goes On
Bryan lets me down, lets himself down, and lets the school down. He does a good job, maybe even improves the song, but he can't change the fact that it's a completely arse song by complete cocksocket [/reed heresy].
See Bryan grow a (really good) beard because Antony Price told him to. Watch him hobble up and down stairs. Worry about Bryan's congenital stoop. Marvel at his entire lack of ability to dance like a human. Wonder how he still manages to be cool.
7. Brian Eno - Dead Finks Don't Talk
Two Eno, both from Here Come the Warm Jets. Good work, sPazAmp. Have a biscuit.
8. Bryan Ferry - It's My Party
Imagine your favourite version of the song. Then multiply it by a frillion, and that's how good this is (n.b. this process doesn't work if this is already your favourite version).
Apropos of whimsy, random eighties samurai and the fact that a tiny ten year old shoelace had a massive, inexplicable crush on Barbara, here's Dave Stewart and Barbara Gaskin's version.
9. Bryan Ferry - Is Your Love Strong Enough
Yes thanks, Bryan, and I'll thank you to stop testing it out. From the film Legend which, IMDB has just told me, featured Tom Cruise. Thankfully he isn't in the video and my forgetfulness is allowed given that the 14 year old shoelace had other cast members to have a massive, inexplicable crush on. Yes, it was Tim Curry. Only kidding, it was Mia Sara. Well, to be entirely honest, I think it was Princess Lily I had the crush on, I don't recall being bothered about her in other films (Ferris Bueller, for instance).
Continue to marvel at what Bryan thinks passes for dancing on Earth. Say hello to a brief appearance by Dave Gilmour (the guitar sound is obvious, even if he isn't). See Bryan walk spastically up supposedly invisible stairs that you can clearly see. Ask yourself the question "WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE SLEEVES ALL ABOUT?" (please note that given I was 14, I know full well what those sleeves were all about and I can only apologise).
10. Roxy Music - Would You Believe?
I would. Splendid retro future past space honky tonk thing with awesome drumming. Thanks Paul Thompson.
Here's Bryan Ferry comparing beards with Kenny Everett.
Yeah, happy new year and that. BYE.
Saturday, 23 February 2008
The pie is nearly here!
Scant minutes away now! Rejoice, nutrition fans! Yet another shuffle, including an opening use of a Lionel Richie "joke" that I used as the intro to that there post just before, having forgotten that I'd used it in a shuffle. Silly me. PIE!
---
Hello! Hello? Is there anybody out there? Is it me you're looking for? Shove off, you strange amalgam of Pink Floyd and Lionel Richie. Especially Lionel, stop taunting blind women in your videos.
Having gone Tom Jones crazy for most of the day, I feel it prudent to indulge in some shuffling before my closest Last FM neighbour is a sixty year old knicker-flinging woman. I'm quite aware that some people would pay good money for that sort of thing. But hey, I'm not some people. No. I'm just one. Obv.
1. Gogol Bordello - Start Wearing Purple
The version from Voi-la Intruder. It's a bit different from the other one, but still ace. They're pretty ace full stop. Such a shame that most of the acclaim ladled onto their heads from some quarters is for all the wrong reasons. Makes me want to invent a crazy gypsy cossack dance. Again.
No youtube. It'd only be perved over.
2. The Calico Wall - I'm a Living Sickness
You so aren't, Mr. Calico Wall. Unless you are actually, counter to the sleeve note indications, a germ rather than a person. Reasonably entertaining sixties garage that shoehorns in all the requisite elements, arranges them in a pleasing manner and thus ticks most of the required boxes. Not as good as "Flight Reaction", but still quite good if slightly forgettable. Meh.
No youtube. It doesn't exist and I can't think of a humorous and/or good alternative.
3. Screaming Trees - Halo of Ashes
A tiny bit eastern, a tiny bit too earnest, and a tiny bit not as good as it should be. Screaming Trees at their trying too hardest. I feel I should like it more, but I don't. Oh well. Hmph.
No youtube just because. All these comments probably seem a bit weird as I only decided on the youtube thing later when I found the ace one for Church of Misery (you'll see. If you dare).
4. The Stingrays - Joe Strummer's Wallet
Look, I've told you all about this before. I'm not going to waste my time telling you again how brain-fondlingly marvelous it is, I'm just going to sit here and thoroughly enjoy it instead.
To balance the indirect Strummer bashing, here's the one and only Clash song I truly fucking adore (live!).
5. The Revels - Foo Man Choo
A doo-wop oddity that is odd along the very obvious lines delineated in the title. Huh.
Unsurprisingly, The Revels (the band, not the chocolate) don't make it onto youtube, so here's Tom Jones dancing up a storm of leathery sex. Again.
6. Funkadelic - (Not Just) Knee Deep
Known to most people as The One That De La Soul Used On Me Myself and I. Not me. I know it as it is and prefer it in this form. Because I'm so cool, see. And I gots the funk. By the kfmotherfuckingc bargain bucketload. And I also heart Tom Jones. I AM THE ULTIMATE PERSON.
It's fifteen minutes long, doubt you want to sit through a youtube that length, so here they are in 1970 being genius on a show called "Upbeat"
7. Edgar Broughton Band - House of Turnabout
Edgar in the wistful prog mode (rather than the more rock incarnation). Bloody marvelous and if you don't like it then you're a scrotum.
Apologies for the nature of the youtube (flid makes video of stills of the band over the tune), but it's worth it for the song (the closest in spirit to the actual EBB song with actually being it).
8. Los Monstruos
Sounds like Spinal Tap as the Thamesmen (or whatever it was) with "Gimme Some Money". You know what I want, or maybe you don't. This is probably because it has the same tune. This is in foreign. Thought you might like to know that. Ah, the legend that was John "Stumpy" Pepys.
9. Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come on Eileen
I will NOT, bloody filthmongers. What a massively sexy and appealing song this is. Forget the drunkenly co-ordinated mass foot stamping it instigates towards the end of the reception for every family wedding ever. Strip away the herds of drunken morons abusing it. Focus on how unapologetically perfect a pop song it is instead. Wearing dungarees with nothing underneath was a stupid idea, this song clearly wasn't. As the video proves.
10. Church of Misery - El Topo
As most of their frankly STAGGERINGLY wonderful tunes are named after serial killers, I can only surmise that this is about the word-famous serial-killing singing puppet-mouse from Italy. Rocks like a beast, grinds like a bitch, and does lots of other things like things beginning with the letter B. All of them good. It is awesome, magnificent and totally tickles my balls. You'd hate it, mind, as you have heads of cement and entirely fail to acknowledge the massive majesty of the behemothic sabbath-on-steroids semi-Japanese masters of music. Or something. Whatever it is, you're wrong. HA.
Here's their promo for "Filth Bitch Boogie (Aileen Wuornos)". It has BORIS connections, dontcha know. I can think of nearly four people on here whose lives would be willingly enhanced by having Church of Misery in them (the lives that is, not the person).
11. Rainbow - All Night Long
A very particular kind of musical perfection. Graham Bonnet reaches his own personal talentastic zenith (just edging out "Since You've Been Gone"), Cozy does his drum thing and stays within the bounds of sense, Ritchie rocks just enough, the rest are just there. In that order. Has a video featuring a large breasted slapper jiggling away whilst Graham leches at her from behind his mammoth shades whilst singing. Contains the lines "you're sort of young / but you're all the rage / I don't care cause I like your style / don't know about your brain/but you look alright". HALLELUJAH. Here's the video. Hnggh.
You love it, you do.
12. Tony Christie - Avenues and Alleyways
I can only click my fingers with my left hand. Weird that, isn't it? I always find out during this song as it is proper finger-clickable. I heart this song massively, and have done ever since I was a tiny shoelace apparently (so my Mum says).
I was going to commemorate this with a clip of Tony riding the turd-ridden coattails of the Amarillo-based fame on "Saturday Swings", presented by Natasha "pointless" Kaplinsky. But it physically hurt. So instead, here is Tony reprising his German TV efforts on "I Did What I Did For Maria". Watch out for the VERY special dance move he busts between 40 and 44 seconds. It's mind bogglingly. The charisma-free bellend really did think he was Tom Jones, whereas in reality he was more the dancing version of Joey Deacon (google it, youngsters). The merits of the curiously Peter Kay-a-like paid to sit in the background and look vaguely cowboy-ish have been covered elsewhere.
*sadly, the youtube has been removed, so you will be forever denied the mystical wonder of Tony's christawful dancing. Soz*
Here he is doing Avenues and Alleyways in a gloriously lurid shirt and trousers combo. It's part of him doing a really bizarre big medley in the same clothes. SEVEN MINUTES OF THE TONE! Bonanza! Includes advice on not going down to Reno, shooting people on behalf of Maria, directions to Amarillo, terrible miming, even worse dancing, a camp German presenter, a gold disc presentation in forens
13. DJ Yoda - Betty Boo/Doin' the Do
It features both Betty Boo and Europe's "Final Countdown" in about a minute and a half. It's almost too much excitement for the human mind to take. It certainly is if you were a certain age at the time of the originals, ahem. To commemorate, here are both in youtube form.
The worst that eighties style videos (and cod-rapping) can offer:
The worst hair that metal could provide, and the worst metal that hair could provide:
EMBRACE THE CHEESE.
14. Humanoid - Stakker Humanoid
Immense electronic quality. Utterly, utterly peerless. All bleepy, beepy songs should be this good. But, alas, they aren't. FOR SHAME, ELECTRONIC PEOPLE. It seems to be one of the very few instances where I'm stuck in the past with what was a contemporary (to me) tune. Sorry. It's best heard in a club with it playing so loud that it feels like it is physically squeezing your head. It may also help to have taken drugs, I think.
Youtube. Sorry a) for the tiny, tiny volume. TURN IT UP and b) if you're an epileptic. Be careful. If you weren't before, you might be afterwards.
15. GLC - Half Man Half Machine
Sheer unadulterated qualitude. That isn't even a word! It is really good though. Don't believe me? Wellthen you must be stupid, and I know I've done this selfsame strikethrough "joke" before see for yourself. Binatone, spectrum, pacman, Commodore...sadly, there are no youtubes of Mystikal doing his patented Radio 2 announcer rapping (as witnessed on "The Alchemist").
16. Wu-Tang Clan - Gravel Pit
One of THE finest hip hop songs, and an excuse to post just about the finest hip hop videos. Especially the visual representation of ODB being in chokey. Classic (and I don't use that term lightly).
17. Kylie Minogue - Some Kind of Bliss
That's me and Jona happy, then. And probably JamieC and the Snork, given the Manics association.
Obligatory youtube, random petrol station guff.
18. Inspiral Carpets - Two Worlds Collide
One of my very favourite late-period Inspiral goodnesses, and a very easy one to youtube, given Mute's helpful hand in uploading all of the offical promos. God bless 'em.
19. Gas Huffer - Crooked Bird
Not their best, but in the top five. And easily their best video. Which makes it far better than most things you can feed to your ears. Poor Tom Price :(
20. Afghan Whigs - Miles iz Ded
Not the best quality recording of a decent version of one of the best songs in the world, ever. Typical television-at-a-festival camerawork, but you still get Greg Dulli looking oddly hot and the drummer has all of his clothes on (by no means a given with him), so it's all good when you think about it. Cashback!
Fun! Fun? Fun. Maybe. I don't know why I bother. I expect signs of appreciation, or the shuffle gets it. IN THE HEAD.
Bye!
---
Hello! Hello? Is there anybody out there? Is it me you're looking for? Shove off, you strange amalgam of Pink Floyd and Lionel Richie. Especially Lionel, stop taunting blind women in your videos.
Having gone Tom Jones crazy for most of the day, I feel it prudent to indulge in some shuffling before my closest Last FM neighbour is a sixty year old knicker-flinging woman. I'm quite aware that some people would pay good money for that sort of thing. But hey, I'm not some people. No. I'm just one. Obv.
1. Gogol Bordello - Start Wearing Purple
The version from Voi-la Intruder. It's a bit different from the other one, but still ace. They're pretty ace full stop. Such a shame that most of the acclaim ladled onto their heads from some quarters is for all the wrong reasons. Makes me want to invent a crazy gypsy cossack dance. Again.
No youtube. It'd only be perved over.
2. The Calico Wall - I'm a Living Sickness
You so aren't, Mr. Calico Wall. Unless you are actually, counter to the sleeve note indications, a germ rather than a person. Reasonably entertaining sixties garage that shoehorns in all the requisite elements, arranges them in a pleasing manner and thus ticks most of the required boxes. Not as good as "Flight Reaction", but still quite good if slightly forgettable. Meh.
No youtube. It doesn't exist and I can't think of a humorous and/or good alternative.
3. Screaming Trees - Halo of Ashes
A tiny bit eastern, a tiny bit too earnest, and a tiny bit not as good as it should be. Screaming Trees at their trying too hardest. I feel I should like it more, but I don't. Oh well. Hmph.
No youtube just because. All these comments probably seem a bit weird as I only decided on the youtube thing later when I found the ace one for Church of Misery (you'll see. If you dare).
4. The Stingrays - Joe Strummer's Wallet
Look, I've told you all about this before. I'm not going to waste my time telling you again how brain-fondlingly marvelous it is, I'm just going to sit here and thoroughly enjoy it instead.
To balance the indirect Strummer bashing, here's the one and only Clash song I truly fucking adore (live!).
5. The Revels - Foo Man Choo
A doo-wop oddity that is odd along the very obvious lines delineated in the title. Huh.
Unsurprisingly, The Revels (the band, not the chocolate) don't make it onto youtube, so here's Tom Jones dancing up a storm of leathery sex. Again.
6. Funkadelic - (Not Just) Knee Deep
Known to most people as The One That De La Soul Used On Me Myself and I. Not me. I know it as it is and prefer it in this form. Because I'm so cool, see. And I gots the funk. By the kfmotherfuckingc bargain bucketload. And I also heart Tom Jones. I AM THE ULTIMATE PERSON.
It's fifteen minutes long, doubt you want to sit through a youtube that length, so here they are in 1970 being genius on a show called "Upbeat"
7. Edgar Broughton Band - House of Turnabout
Edgar in the wistful prog mode (rather than the more rock incarnation). Bloody marvelous and if you don't like it then you're a scrotum.
Apologies for the nature of the youtube (flid makes video of stills of the band over the tune), but it's worth it for the song (the closest in spirit to the actual EBB song with actually being it).
8. Los Monstruos
Sounds like Spinal Tap as the Thamesmen (or whatever it was) with "Gimme Some Money". You know what I want, or maybe you don't. This is probably because it has the same tune. This is in foreign. Thought you might like to know that. Ah, the legend that was John "Stumpy" Pepys.
9. Dexy's Midnight Runners - Come on Eileen
I will NOT, bloody filthmongers. What a massively sexy and appealing song this is. Forget the drunkenly co-ordinated mass foot stamping it instigates towards the end of the reception for every family wedding ever. Strip away the herds of drunken morons abusing it. Focus on how unapologetically perfect a pop song it is instead. Wearing dungarees with nothing underneath was a stupid idea, this song clearly wasn't. As the video proves.
10. Church of Misery - El Topo
As most of their frankly STAGGERINGLY wonderful tunes are named after serial killers, I can only surmise that this is about the word-famous serial-killing singing puppet-mouse from Italy. Rocks like a beast, grinds like a bitch, and does lots of other things like things beginning with the letter B. All of them good. It is awesome, magnificent and totally tickles my balls. You'd hate it, mind, as you have heads of cement and entirely fail to acknowledge the massive majesty of the behemothic sabbath-on-steroids semi-Japanese masters of music. Or something. Whatever it is, you're wrong. HA.
Here's their promo for "Filth Bitch Boogie (Aileen Wuornos)". It has BORIS connections, dontcha know. I can think of nearly four people on here whose lives would be willingly enhanced by having Church of Misery in them (the lives that is, not the person).
11. Rainbow - All Night Long
A very particular kind of musical perfection. Graham Bonnet reaches his own personal talentastic zenith (just edging out "Since You've Been Gone"), Cozy does his drum thing and stays within the bounds of sense, Ritchie rocks just enough, the rest are just there. In that order. Has a video featuring a large breasted slapper jiggling away whilst Graham leches at her from behind his mammoth shades whilst singing. Contains the lines "you're sort of young / but you're all the rage / I don't care cause I like your style / don't know about your brain/but you look alright". HALLELUJAH. Here's the video. Hnggh.
You love it, you do.
12. Tony Christie - Avenues and Alleyways
I can only click my fingers with my left hand. Weird that, isn't it? I always find out during this song as it is proper finger-clickable. I heart this song massively, and have done ever since I was a tiny shoelace apparently (so my Mum says).
I was going to commemorate this with a clip of Tony riding the turd-ridden coattails of the Amarillo-based fame on "Saturday Swings", presented by Natasha "pointless" Kaplinsky. But it physically hurt. So instead, here is Tony reprising his German TV efforts on "I Did What I Did For Maria". Watch out for the VERY special dance move he busts between 40 and 44 seconds. It's mind bogglingly. The charisma-free bellend really did think he was Tom Jones, whereas in reality he was more the dancing version of Joey Deacon (google it, youngsters). The merits of the curiously Peter Kay-a-like paid to sit in the background and look vaguely cowboy-ish have been covered elsewhere.
*sadly, the youtube has been removed, so you will be forever denied the mystical wonder of Tony's christawful dancing. Soz*
Here he is doing Avenues and Alleyways in a gloriously lurid shirt and trousers combo. It's part of him doing a really bizarre big medley in the same clothes. SEVEN MINUTES OF THE TONE! Bonanza! Includes advice on not going down to Reno, shooting people on behalf of Maria, directions to Amarillo, terrible miming, even worse dancing, a camp German presenter, a gold disc presentation in forens
13. DJ Yoda - Betty Boo/Doin' the Do
It features both Betty Boo and Europe's "Final Countdown" in about a minute and a half. It's almost too much excitement for the human mind to take. It certainly is if you were a certain age at the time of the originals, ahem. To commemorate, here are both in youtube form.
The worst that eighties style videos (and cod-rapping) can offer:
The worst hair that metal could provide, and the worst metal that hair could provide:
EMBRACE THE CHEESE.
14. Humanoid - Stakker Humanoid
Immense electronic quality. Utterly, utterly peerless. All bleepy, beepy songs should be this good. But, alas, they aren't. FOR SHAME, ELECTRONIC PEOPLE. It seems to be one of the very few instances where I'm stuck in the past with what was a contemporary (to me) tune. Sorry. It's best heard in a club with it playing so loud that it feels like it is physically squeezing your head. It may also help to have taken drugs, I think.
Youtube. Sorry a) for the tiny, tiny volume. TURN IT UP and b) if you're an epileptic. Be careful. If you weren't before, you might be afterwards.
15. GLC - Half Man Half Machine
Sheer unadulterated qualitude. That isn't even a word! It is really good though. Don't believe me? Well
16. Wu-Tang Clan - Gravel Pit
One of THE finest hip hop songs, and an excuse to post just about the finest hip hop videos. Especially the visual representation of ODB being in chokey. Classic (and I don't use that term lightly).
17. Kylie Minogue - Some Kind of Bliss
That's me and Jona happy, then. And probably JamieC and the Snork, given the Manics association.
Obligatory youtube, random petrol station guff.
18. Inspiral Carpets - Two Worlds Collide
One of my very favourite late-period Inspiral goodnesses, and a very easy one to youtube, given Mute's helpful hand in uploading all of the offical promos. God bless 'em.
19. Gas Huffer - Crooked Bird
Not their best, but in the top five. And easily their best video. Which makes it far better than most things you can feed to your ears. Poor Tom Price :(
20. Afghan Whigs - Miles iz Ded
Not the best quality recording of a decent version of one of the best songs in the world, ever. Typical television-at-a-festival camerawork, but you still get Greg Dulli looking oddly hot and the drummer has all of his clothes on (by no means a given with him), so it's all good when you think about it. Cashback!
Fun! Fun? Fun. Maybe. I don't know why I bother. I expect signs of appreciation, or the shuffle gets it. IN THE HEAD.
Bye!
Hurry up, pie and chips!
I'm hungry! Stupid time, standing between me and my dinner. Oh well, just time for another shuffle, then.
---
I must admit, shufflefandudes, that I'm a little loath to step back in here. But hey, I'm bored and a bit sick of youtubing weirdoes, so here goes.
Well, in a bit. It turns out that I'm not entirely sick of youtubing and besides, the Snork claims not to have seen Morecambe and Wise. And then no doubt there will be an insistence on some wrestling clips or something. It's bound to happen. Bear with me. Perhaps a joke to fill the interlude.
How do you stop a dog shagging your leg? Pick it up, and suck its cock.
I thank you. Thanks, Sean Lock.
Now, on with the shuffling.
1. The Mummies - Tall Cool One
Simultaneously an auspicious and an unauspicious start. Auspicious (I'm already sick of typing that) because it's a fucking belting song (I think it's one of their Wailers' covers, but I might be wrong), unauspicious because The Mummies always appear, and it makes it look like my musical taste hasn't moved on at all since the last time. It hasn't, but I don't need some retarded music software broadcasting it to the motherblubbing world. Hmph.
2. The Littlest Hobo Theme
Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna settle down, until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on. Excellent theme tune, dudes, but settle down? You're a fucking dog. A dog. What're you going to do, get a job as a data analyst, get married and raise half alsatian half human hybrid children? Fuck off you massive mental.
3. Pearl Jam - Gremmie Out of Control
It's something to do with surfing. I do like me a slice of the 'jam (I would suspect that you shouldn't actually be able to slice jam), but they don't really cover themselves in glory here. Although, that said, I do love it to bits. Me? I'm a mass of contradictions. Although some might say it was more a case of being wilfully confusing. This section was sponsored by the word although. Thankyou. Bye.
4. Nick Cave & the Bad Sheeps - Deanna
Just about my favouritest 'Sheeps song. Unfortunately, this is a live version recorded in an empty coke can. And is therefore tinnily shit. I massively heart the song, though.
5. The Adventures of Parsley - Magpie
It's theme tune night in the shoelace household. Well, theme tunes and youtubes of Billy Ocean being magnificent and Tom Jones being hnngworthy. Ah, Magpie. Presented by every young boy's dream Jenny whatserface and Mick "Keegan" Robertson. Sort of like an cheap ITV attempt to be Blue peter, only with a rocktastic theme tune. A theme tune that Parsley, erstwhile ivory-tinkler for the Solarflares does more than a massive amount of justice. Splendid.
6. Jello Biafra & the Melvins - The Lighter Side of Global Terrorism
Given the two musical behemoths involved, do you really need me telling you at length how fucking awesome it some, cementheads?
7. Los Gatos Salvajes - La Respuesta
It's all in forens. Doesn't stop it being groovetastically awesome, mind.
8. Inspiral Carpets - She Comes in the Fall
I love the Inspirals. I don't mind admitting it. A fine song. Lyrics not their strong point, though. You should learn to walk before you crawl, she comes in the fall? Fucking retards.
9. Guana Batz - Electraglide in Blue
Fuck yeah. If I weren't going to go on and plug my blog, that would suffice. A prime slice of asskicking psychobilly, by the tuneful masters of the art. But I am going to plug the blog, and it is precisely the sort of thing that can be found over at Mutant Rock
10. Gas Huffer - Release the Robots
This is also the kind of thing you'd find over there. Tom Price has Parkinsons. The world is unfair in so many fucking unfair bastard ways. That's just one of them. Best bit is the robotic, Spectrum 48 curragh uspeech (the micro thing, no the u, I couldn't be arsed finding the alt+numbers for it) right at the end. The world is a shit, horrible place.
11. Randall and Hopkirk (deceased) Theme Tune
It really is bastard theme tune night. Plus I appear to have tourette's, sorry. Not the best them, a bit plinky piano heavy. And the Vic and Bob remake was shit, which is a shame. Although Emilia Fox was in it. But that's not enough to save it, I'm afraid.
12. Deep Purple - Fireball
Winamp tells me it's 22 minutes long. If fucking only. Stupid software. Top shrieking, Ian. I was about to launch into something about Lee and Herring's Ian news (very "ian-teresting"), but it's getting late and I can't arsed. Soz.
13. Steve and the Jerks - Girl You Made a Jerk out of Me
And why are you so bothered? It's your band name! Top garaging, though.
14. The Deadly Snakes - I Heard a Voice
I heard one too. I recall distinctly, it said "NEXT". I heart The Deadly Snakes as much as the next man (providing the next man is a massive fan of The Deadly Snakes), but this is a bit poor. Soz.
15. Minous Blancs - Oh Non Jamais
It's all in the forens! But regardless, it's fantasticly bopsome. Hell yeah.
16. Belle and Sebastian - Me and the Major
I've left this in for three reasons. One, I don't cheat (much. I mean, obviously I elide multiple instances of the same band), two, it's not a terrible song and, three - mainly this one - they mention Roxy Music. TBH be honest, at the time I first heard, that was probably what sold it to me. I heart Roxy Music massively. But then, being tiny shoelace fans, you probably already know that. *blush*
17. Outkast - The Rooster
The best song on the Speakerboxx/Love Below split thing, and it wasn't on Andre's lameass effort. Oh fucking no. See, They can both rap, but only Big Boi has a fucking clue with regards to the beat. Sorry again for the tourette's. But really, this widdles all over anything on the other side. Except maybe "Hey Ya", but then that's just a pop thing. Not that being a pop thing is a bad thing, but being a big rap beast takes a certain something. The Rooster has it, in fucking spades (sorry again), and Hey Ya don't.
18. Ricky Martin - Loaded
Faster than a Sosa home run. Bet that's faster than any of you - you're probably still deluding your minds with weird thoughts of him being shit. Well I got news for you, fools. Unless you have a personal reason not to do the jiggy mamma to the break of dawn, then you have no excuse AT ALL. Cementheads. (I must admit, I cheated and listened to a bit of "La Bomba" live afterwards, and had a massive latino chairdance. I am SO fucking sexy it's untrue. I did a bit of Pegate but had to stop on account of people throwing themselves at me).
19. Anthony and the Johnsons - Divine
Yeah, way to ruin the mood, JamieC. Okay, so I like your song massively. But not after I've had a frankly enormous chairdance to Rickyness. Stop it. You're making me glum. Plus, I'd quite like it if you stopped squeezing my organs.
20. The Dubliners - The Irish Rover
I should have been typing about Julie Driscoll's "Let the Sunshine (the Flesh Failures)" - a fine song of which I know all the the words. However, we drunkenly danced the song away in the confines of the room and were thus left with this (the Les Dawson youtubes notwithstanding). Are we bothered? Arse no! It may not be prime time Dubliners, but hell, it's still arse-shiftingly wonderful, despite the involvement of Shane MacGowan.
There would actually be a 21, seeing as how much the room enjoyed the randomising of Green Day. But I've been told not to mention that, so that would be BYE.
BYE.
Bye.
---
I must admit, shufflefandudes, that I'm a little loath to step back in here. But hey, I'm bored and a bit sick of youtubing weirdoes, so here goes.
Well, in a bit. It turns out that I'm not entirely sick of youtubing and besides, the Snork claims not to have seen Morecambe and Wise. And then no doubt there will be an insistence on some wrestling clips or something. It's bound to happen. Bear with me. Perhaps a joke to fill the interlude.
How do you stop a dog shagging your leg? Pick it up, and suck its cock.
I thank you. Thanks, Sean Lock.
Now, on with the shuffling.
1. The Mummies - Tall Cool One
Simultaneously an auspicious and an unauspicious start. Auspicious (I'm already sick of typing that) because it's a fucking belting song (I think it's one of their Wailers' covers, but I might be wrong), unauspicious because The Mummies always appear, and it makes it look like my musical taste hasn't moved on at all since the last time. It hasn't, but I don't need some retarded music software broadcasting it to the motherblubbing world. Hmph.
2. The Littlest Hobo Theme
Maybe tomorrow, I'll wanna settle down, until tomorrow, I'll just keep moving on. Excellent theme tune, dudes, but settle down? You're a fucking dog. A dog. What're you going to do, get a job as a data analyst, get married and raise half alsatian half human hybrid children? Fuck off you massive mental.
3. Pearl Jam - Gremmie Out of Control
It's something to do with surfing. I do like me a slice of the 'jam (I would suspect that you shouldn't actually be able to slice jam), but they don't really cover themselves in glory here. Although, that said, I do love it to bits. Me? I'm a mass of contradictions. Although some might say it was more a case of being wilfully confusing. This section was sponsored by the word although. Thankyou. Bye.
4. Nick Cave & the Bad Sheeps - Deanna
Just about my favouritest 'Sheeps song. Unfortunately, this is a live version recorded in an empty coke can. And is therefore tinnily shit. I massively heart the song, though.
5. The Adventures of Parsley - Magpie
It's theme tune night in the shoelace household. Well, theme tunes and youtubes of Billy Ocean being magnificent and Tom Jones being hnngworthy. Ah, Magpie. Presented by every young boy's dream Jenny whatserface and Mick "Keegan" Robertson. Sort of like an cheap ITV attempt to be Blue peter, only with a rocktastic theme tune. A theme tune that Parsley, erstwhile ivory-tinkler for the Solarflares does more than a massive amount of justice. Splendid.
6. Jello Biafra & the Melvins - The Lighter Side of Global Terrorism
Given the two musical behemoths involved, do you really need me telling you at length how fucking awesome it some, cementheads?
7. Los Gatos Salvajes - La Respuesta
It's all in forens. Doesn't stop it being groovetastically awesome, mind.
8. Inspiral Carpets - She Comes in the Fall
I love the Inspirals. I don't mind admitting it. A fine song. Lyrics not their strong point, though. You should learn to walk before you crawl, she comes in the fall? Fucking retards.
9. Guana Batz - Electraglide in Blue
Fuck yeah. If I weren't going to go on and plug my blog, that would suffice. A prime slice of asskicking psychobilly, by the tuneful masters of the art. But I am going to plug the blog, and it is precisely the sort of thing that can be found over at Mutant Rock
10. Gas Huffer - Release the Robots
This is also the kind of thing you'd find over there. Tom Price has Parkinsons. The world is unfair in so many fucking unfair bastard ways. That's just one of them. Best bit is the robotic, Spectrum 48 curragh uspeech (the micro thing, no the u, I couldn't be arsed finding the alt+numbers for it) right at the end. The world is a shit, horrible place.
11. Randall and Hopkirk (deceased) Theme Tune
It really is bastard theme tune night. Plus I appear to have tourette's, sorry. Not the best them, a bit plinky piano heavy. And the Vic and Bob remake was shit, which is a shame. Although Emilia Fox was in it. But that's not enough to save it, I'm afraid.
12. Deep Purple - Fireball
Winamp tells me it's 22 minutes long. If fucking only. Stupid software. Top shrieking, Ian. I was about to launch into something about Lee and Herring's Ian news (very "ian-teresting"), but it's getting late and I can't arsed. Soz.
13. Steve and the Jerks - Girl You Made a Jerk out of Me
And why are you so bothered? It's your band name! Top garaging, though.
14. The Deadly Snakes - I Heard a Voice
I heard one too. I recall distinctly, it said "NEXT". I heart The Deadly Snakes as much as the next man (providing the next man is a massive fan of The Deadly Snakes), but this is a bit poor. Soz.
15. Minous Blancs - Oh Non Jamais
It's all in the forens! But regardless, it's fantasticly bopsome. Hell yeah.
16. Belle and Sebastian - Me and the Major
I've left this in for three reasons. One, I don't cheat (much. I mean, obviously I elide multiple instances of the same band), two, it's not a terrible song and, three - mainly this one - they mention Roxy Music. TBH be honest, at the time I first heard, that was probably what sold it to me. I heart Roxy Music massively. But then, being tiny shoelace fans, you probably already know that. *blush*
17. Outkast - The Rooster
The best song on the Speakerboxx/Love Below split thing, and it wasn't on Andre's lameass effort. Oh fucking no. See, They can both rap, but only Big Boi has a fucking clue with regards to the beat. Sorry again for the tourette's. But really, this widdles all over anything on the other side. Except maybe "Hey Ya", but then that's just a pop thing. Not that being a pop thing is a bad thing, but being a big rap beast takes a certain something. The Rooster has it, in fucking spades (sorry again), and Hey Ya don't.
18. Ricky Martin - Loaded
Faster than a Sosa home run. Bet that's faster than any of you - you're probably still deluding your minds with weird thoughts of him being shit. Well I got news for you, fools. Unless you have a personal reason not to do the jiggy mamma to the break of dawn, then you have no excuse AT ALL. Cementheads. (I must admit, I cheated and listened to a bit of "La Bomba" live afterwards, and had a massive latino chairdance. I am SO fucking sexy it's untrue. I did a bit of Pegate but had to stop on account of people throwing themselves at me).
19. Anthony and the Johnsons - Divine
Yeah, way to ruin the mood, JamieC. Okay, so I like your song massively. But not after I've had a frankly enormous chairdance to Rickyness. Stop it. You're making me glum. Plus, I'd quite like it if you stopped squeezing my organs.
20. The Dubliners - The Irish Rover
I should have been typing about Julie Driscoll's "Let the Sunshine (the Flesh Failures)" - a fine song of which I know all the the words. However, we drunkenly danced the song away in the confines of the room and were thus left with this (the Les Dawson youtubes notwithstanding). Are we bothered? Arse no! It may not be prime time Dubliners, but hell, it's still arse-shiftingly wonderful, despite the involvement of Shane MacGowan.
There would actually be a 21, seeing as how much the room enjoyed the randomising of Green Day. But I've been told not to mention that, so that would be BYE.
BYE.
Bye.
Next Shuffle Please. Thankyou.
The momentous 50th shuffle. Undertaken shortly after declaring that I couldn't be arsed at the end of the last one. I LIED.
---
Turns out I could be arsed. Rather than continue the Psychobilly sPazOut! (tm), I thought I'd do another, completely and utterly and totally random one. Absolutely unbiased, with neither fear nor favour. So here it is. The fabled sleeveless sPazAmp of yore.
1. Jethro Tull - Quizz Kid
A fine opening. Can't spell "quiz", but hey, that's the crazy genius of The Tull for you. Despite loving and listening to this since about 1983, I'm not entirely sure what it's about. Hopefully not The Eggheads, because they're all twats. I could easily beat them on my own. No, really. I've been banned from upwards of one pub quiz for winning it too much. I'd particularly like to slap the one who patently wears far too much mascara, the massive nob. Like all the best Tull openers (for this was, after all, something of a concept album, like most of them), it contains a curious mix of hope, melancholy and ROCK FLUTE. It also has a slight overture-like snippet of the big near-end song. Which points to it's conceptness, but does little to explain it. The later ones do, clearly, but the opener just waffles on and on (in a musically wonderful way) about being good at quizzes. Bizarre.
2. Jethro Tull - Crazed Institution
Presumably where you end up if you obsess over pub quizzes. Not the most random of selections, being as it is the second track on Too Old to Rock'n'Roll, Too Young to Die! (the previous entry being, as stated at a belaboured length, the opening track). Really not sure how such an unrandom occurrence occurred. I shall have to investigate. Keeps the album chugging along, fitting seamlessly and tunefully into the whole, without genuinely standing out as a solo listen (despite the fine flutage). A bit like The Temple from JCS in that respect.
3. Jethro Tull - Salamander
Honestly, this is getting ridiculous. The third Jethro Tull song in a row? And, what is more, the third Jethro Tull song from Too Old to Rock'n'Roll, Too Young to Die! in a row - and in ORDER? Clearly not the most random of events, sPazAmp. People will be casting nasturtiums at me at this rate. Much in the manner of the previous song, it features a welter of excellent flutage and mood extending, with little actual development or stand alone songness. Although the fluting is TOP FUCKING NOTCH, I can tell you. As, indeed, I just did!
4. Jethro Tull - Taxi Grab
Involves having a very big hand and a mighty strong grip. I'm gathering by this point that a) it's about the impendingly middle-aged protagonist's unfulfilling night out and b) it's not random at all, I've chosen to shuffle the entirety of Too Old to Rock'n'Roll, Too Young to Die!, in a non-shuffled, non-random manner because it so fucking wonderful and gigantically, catastrophically underrated. Even by Tull fans. Which is quite some going, as they tend to worship the smallest of Ian Anderson's parps. They even like The Crest of a Knave, and that's actually been proved to be less musically enjoyable than the smallest of Ian Anderson's parps.
5. Jethro Tull - From a Deadbeat to an Old Greaser
It's a bit of a weird album. Not in a bad way, there isn't a bad note on it. It's just that it does the whole concept album thing by general tone of song. Most concept albums beat you over the head with it through lyrics and the like. Even previous Tull epics did that. All you need with this is the album title, the album on vinyl (so you have to turn it over half way through, the pause is important) and a pair of ears. After that you get the point, repeatedly, all the way through, and end up wanting to have a bit of a little mancry. Especially if you're nearly 36. This song in particular is a bit lovely. Hugely lovely, and sad, to be honest. If it wasn't for the fact they released the nearly as wonderful Songs From the Wood and Heavy Horses afterwards, it would have been a poignantly apposite album in their own career. Or, to look at it more positively, I'm good for a revival of two more metaphorical album's worth before I end up a parody of myself, whoring myself around venues filled with a steadily decreasing supply of hardcore obsessives. I'm quite aware of that metaphor dying a disturbing death about a third of the way through, ta.
6. Jethro Tull - Bad-Eyed and Loveless
About a squinting brass. Possibly. Sort of bluesy in between song. Which is a nice way of saying filler, because it's nice.
7. Jethro Tull - Big Dipper
Starting to sort of reprise the opening, only in a more downbeat fashion. Except it's not downbeat. Hard to explain (especially at two in the morning) - it's more a subtle shift, a slight inversion of the hope and melancholy, with a retention of the awesome ROCK FLUTE. As part of the second side, it forms part of the momentum. You're waiting for something more, something with a bigger point, a more potent edge, and the song leaves you in no doubt that's it is on it's way. That sounds twatty, and it very possibly is. Do I care? Do I billy bollocks, cementheads.
8. Jethro Tull - Too Old to Rock'n'Roll, Too Young to Die!
If this isn't one of the best songs in rockdom, and one third of the greatest closing three songs of any album ever, then I'll eat my hat. And I don't eat hats, as a) they aren't food and b) I'm a committed vestitarian. I recently reimmersed myself in this, and found myself wondering if it's massive appeal was down to a non-literal reflection of me staring the 36-45 age bracket square in the face. Then I remembered I loved it just as much, and in just the same way when I was 14. And 18. And 26. It's just bloody right. It's just my luck that it's now an actual for me, rather than an appreciated abstract. Oh well, I still look good in a vest. Uplifting, sad, fantastic, melancholy, undercracker splittlingly awesome, and ultimately very soddingly right. One might quibble about the lack of ROCK FLUTE but really, the song is so arse-shreddingly awesome, you just don't need it. And that's quite the claim. Note: I do not plan to end it all on the A1 by Scotch Corner. My mid-life crisis is not yet so advanced.
9. Jethro Tull - Pied Piper
Can't really be listened to on it's own, has to be right after "Too Old to Rock'n'Roll, Too Young to Die!" Another one where the lyrics really don't matter. It just works for the album - TOTRAR,TYTD! has a big, final, climactic feel to it - Ray's probably smashed his Harley into an eighteen wheeler on the foolishly small A1 by Scotch Corner and it's all over. Thus, this acts the part played by all softer songs that follow big finishes on fine albums (think Bar Italia on Different Class, cementheads). It's the gentle, slightly ethereal come down. The soothing song, easing you out of the album, wittering about pied pipers and mad bikers. But The Tull are too good for your conventions, dude. You get the third part, both climactic movement closer and ear-soothing exit. That's why you should all worship the Fucking Tull. That, and the massive ROCK FLUTE.
10. Jethro Tull - The Chequered Flag (Dead or Alive)
A quarter of a century, and I still can't make up my mind. Can't decide what the album advocates. Maybe you should end it all. Or maybe it's only a metaphorical end, and you realise that you're just different afterwards - not the same, but no worse and no better. More attention to the lyrics might solve that - I doubt it, but they might - however I wouldn't want to ruin the glorious ambiguity the title and the feel of the song provide. Maybe you should leave in one last blaze of glory, maybe you should survive the attempt, maybe it'll all be alright regardless, you just don't know. The Tull certainly didn't, and different views would give different answers regarding their career. The only downside is how music ignores their attempt to work out what the question was, even if they didn't know the answer.
If you had half a brain, you'd be off down the flea market, searching for albums with a yellow/black combination cover under "J". But, likely as not, you don't. It's your loss, cementheads, and you'll regret not taking my advice when you find yourself staring at a form and having to tick an age-bracket that slightly perturbs you. When that day comes, then spare me a thought. I'll likely as not be in a nursing home, smelling faintly of cabbage.
Bye, young'uns!
*Edit* Firstly, I think I neglected to point out how wonderful "Chequered Flag (Dead or Alive)" is on it's own, regardless of it's place in the album. All by itself, it's enough to induce a tiny mancry. As part of the closing triumvirate, well, it's a certainty every time (even if they are invisible, internal mancries). Wonderfully orchestrated, soaring wonder, in Tull form. Secondly, that is my fiftieth shuffle. I'd like to be able to mark the combination of a significant milestone and a diminishing urge to continue by swearing that I'd do no more, but I'm fairly sure that the fun of sPazAmping will have me back just as soon as I have bourbon and enough spare time. But still, I felt the occasion warranted me noticing, and I'm more than suitably proud of the resultant shuffle. Now shoo.
---
Turns out I could be arsed. Rather than continue the Psychobilly sPazOut! (tm), I thought I'd do another, completely and utterly and totally random one. Absolutely unbiased, with neither fear nor favour. So here it is. The fabled sleeveless sPazAmp of yore.
1. Jethro Tull - Quizz Kid
A fine opening. Can't spell "quiz", but hey, that's the crazy genius of The Tull for you. Despite loving and listening to this since about 1983, I'm not entirely sure what it's about. Hopefully not The Eggheads, because they're all twats. I could easily beat them on my own. No, really. I've been banned from upwards of one pub quiz for winning it too much. I'd particularly like to slap the one who patently wears far too much mascara, the massive nob. Like all the best Tull openers (for this was, after all, something of a concept album, like most of them), it contains a curious mix of hope, melancholy and ROCK FLUTE. It also has a slight overture-like snippet of the big near-end song. Which points to it's conceptness, but does little to explain it. The later ones do, clearly, but the opener just waffles on and on (in a musically wonderful way) about being good at quizzes. Bizarre.
2. Jethro Tull - Crazed Institution
Presumably where you end up if you obsess over pub quizzes. Not the most random of selections, being as it is the second track on Too Old to Rock'n'Roll, Too Young to Die! (the previous entry being, as stated at a belaboured length, the opening track). Really not sure how such an unrandom occurrence occurred. I shall have to investigate. Keeps the album chugging along, fitting seamlessly and tunefully into the whole, without genuinely standing out as a solo listen (despite the fine flutage). A bit like The Temple from JCS in that respect.
3. Jethro Tull - Salamander
Honestly, this is getting ridiculous. The third Jethro Tull song in a row? And, what is more, the third Jethro Tull song from Too Old to Rock'n'Roll, Too Young to Die! in a row - and in ORDER? Clearly not the most random of events, sPazAmp. People will be casting nasturtiums at me at this rate. Much in the manner of the previous song, it features a welter of excellent flutage and mood extending, with little actual development or stand alone songness. Although the fluting is TOP FUCKING NOTCH, I can tell you. As, indeed, I just did!
4. Jethro Tull - Taxi Grab
Involves having a very big hand and a mighty strong grip. I'm gathering by this point that a) it's about the impendingly middle-aged protagonist's unfulfilling night out and b) it's not random at all, I've chosen to shuffle the entirety of Too Old to Rock'n'Roll, Too Young to Die!, in a non-shuffled, non-random manner because it so fucking wonderful and gigantically, catastrophically underrated. Even by Tull fans. Which is quite some going, as they tend to worship the smallest of Ian Anderson's parps. They even like The Crest of a Knave, and that's actually been proved to be less musically enjoyable than the smallest of Ian Anderson's parps.
5. Jethro Tull - From a Deadbeat to an Old Greaser
It's a bit of a weird album. Not in a bad way, there isn't a bad note on it. It's just that it does the whole concept album thing by general tone of song. Most concept albums beat you over the head with it through lyrics and the like. Even previous Tull epics did that. All you need with this is the album title, the album on vinyl (so you have to turn it over half way through, the pause is important) and a pair of ears. After that you get the point, repeatedly, all the way through, and end up wanting to have a bit of a little mancry. Especially if you're nearly 36. This song in particular is a bit lovely. Hugely lovely, and sad, to be honest. If it wasn't for the fact they released the nearly as wonderful Songs From the Wood and Heavy Horses afterwards, it would have been a poignantly apposite album in their own career. Or, to look at it more positively, I'm good for a revival of two more metaphorical album's worth before I end up a parody of myself, whoring myself around venues filled with a steadily decreasing supply of hardcore obsessives. I'm quite aware of that metaphor dying a disturbing death about a third of the way through, ta.
6. Jethro Tull - Bad-Eyed and Loveless
About a squinting brass. Possibly. Sort of bluesy in between song. Which is a nice way of saying filler, because it's nice.
7. Jethro Tull - Big Dipper
Starting to sort of reprise the opening, only in a more downbeat fashion. Except it's not downbeat. Hard to explain (especially at two in the morning) - it's more a subtle shift, a slight inversion of the hope and melancholy, with a retention of the awesome ROCK FLUTE. As part of the second side, it forms part of the momentum. You're waiting for something more, something with a bigger point, a more potent edge, and the song leaves you in no doubt that's it is on it's way. That sounds twatty, and it very possibly is. Do I care? Do I billy bollocks, cementheads.
8. Jethro Tull - Too Old to Rock'n'Roll, Too Young to Die!
If this isn't one of the best songs in rockdom, and one third of the greatest closing three songs of any album ever, then I'll eat my hat. And I don't eat hats, as a) they aren't food and b) I'm a committed vestitarian. I recently reimmersed myself in this, and found myself wondering if it's massive appeal was down to a non-literal reflection of me staring the 36-45 age bracket square in the face. Then I remembered I loved it just as much, and in just the same way when I was 14. And 18. And 26. It's just bloody right. It's just my luck that it's now an actual for me, rather than an appreciated abstract. Oh well, I still look good in a vest. Uplifting, sad, fantastic, melancholy, undercracker splittlingly awesome, and ultimately very soddingly right. One might quibble about the lack of ROCK FLUTE but really, the song is so arse-shreddingly awesome, you just don't need it. And that's quite the claim. Note: I do not plan to end it all on the A1 by Scotch Corner. My mid-life crisis is not yet so advanced.
9. Jethro Tull - Pied Piper
Can't really be listened to on it's own, has to be right after "Too Old to Rock'n'Roll, Too Young to Die!" Another one where the lyrics really don't matter. It just works for the album - TOTRAR,TYTD! has a big, final, climactic feel to it - Ray's probably smashed his Harley into an eighteen wheeler on the foolishly small A1 by Scotch Corner and it's all over. Thus, this acts the part played by all softer songs that follow big finishes on fine albums (think Bar Italia on Different Class, cementheads). It's the gentle, slightly ethereal come down. The soothing song, easing you out of the album, wittering about pied pipers and mad bikers. But The Tull are too good for your conventions, dude. You get the third part, both climactic movement closer and ear-soothing exit. That's why you should all worship the Fucking Tull. That, and the massive ROCK FLUTE.
10. Jethro Tull - The Chequered Flag (Dead or Alive)
A quarter of a century, and I still can't make up my mind. Can't decide what the album advocates. Maybe you should end it all. Or maybe it's only a metaphorical end, and you realise that you're just different afterwards - not the same, but no worse and no better. More attention to the lyrics might solve that - I doubt it, but they might - however I wouldn't want to ruin the glorious ambiguity the title and the feel of the song provide. Maybe you should leave in one last blaze of glory, maybe you should survive the attempt, maybe it'll all be alright regardless, you just don't know. The Tull certainly didn't, and different views would give different answers regarding their career. The only downside is how music ignores their attempt to work out what the question was, even if they didn't know the answer.
If you had half a brain, you'd be off down the flea market, searching for albums with a yellow/black combination cover under "J". But, likely as not, you don't. It's your loss, cementheads, and you'll regret not taking my advice when you find yourself staring at a form and having to tick an age-bracket that slightly perturbs you. When that day comes, then spare me a thought. I'll likely as not be in a nursing home, smelling faintly of cabbage.
Bye, young'uns!
*Edit* Firstly, I think I neglected to point out how wonderful "Chequered Flag (Dead or Alive)" is on it's own, regardless of it's place in the album. All by itself, it's enough to induce a tiny mancry. As part of the closing triumvirate, well, it's a certainty every time (even if they are invisible, internal mancries). Wonderfully orchestrated, soaring wonder, in Tull form. Secondly, that is my fiftieth shuffle. I'd like to be able to mark the combination of a significant milestone and a diminishing urge to continue by swearing that I'd do no more, but I'm fairly sure that the fun of sPazAmping will have me back just as soon as I have bourbon and enough spare time. But still, I felt the occasion warranted me noticing, and I'm more than suitably proud of the resultant shuffle. Now shoo.
Hello? Is it me you're looking for?
No Lionel, it isn't. I'm blind you heartless bastard, after this little display I sort of regret making a giant clay model of your head.
More sPazAmpular japes ahoy!
---
A Psychobilly sPazOut! (tm). Warning, may contain traces of garage. And nuts.
1. King Kurt - Gather Your Limbs
One of the better efforts from the bequiffed purveyors of novelty twatdom. Not THE best, that's something else. But still, less annoying than some of them, and more catchily pleasing than most. Not sure why he thinks I've strewn my limbs all about the place. Here they are, poncing about on a stage nearly 25 years ago.
Warning: May contain traces of quiffs.
2. Screaming Lord Sutch - Jack the Ripper
Lonely mentalist parliamentary wannabe, RIP in peace. Always much better sticking to the music (but not on stage, he was shit on stage). Here's a film made for it with a budget of approximately tuppence ha'penny.
Warning: May contain traces of the fact that it's the original sixties version, whereas I was listening to his superior 1982 cover of his own song. It has far superior hornage.
3. The Reverend Horton Heat - Love Whip
She said baby what's around your waist, it was my love whip. Just next to my enormously lengthy cock. Some of this may not be part of the lyrics. Saucy. No youtube for this, the nearest it offered was a clip of some fat losers performing a version in what appeared to be shed.
Caution: May contain traces of an absent youtube due to fat loser issues.
4. Link Wray - Fatback
Everyone's favourite one-lunged part-shawnee guitar-innovatory motherblubber. Cast-iron bastard genius. RIP in peace, also. Again, the youtube is absent. Couldn't be bothered.
Caution: May contain traces of not being anything to do with The Fatback Band. Fortunately.
5. The Highliners - Henry the Wasp
A pleasant, cheery, if a little one paced semi-novelty almostbilly diversion. Not their best, mainly because it stretches itself over far too many minutes. Nearly four. I'm not really sure there are nearly four minutes to said about being stung by a wasp called Henry. Not sure? Judge for yourself with an awesomely cheap and practically inaudible video involving a tiny model wasp with a quiff.
Caution: May contain traces of lurid and possibly inadvertently camp purple shorts and/or DMs.
6. Demented are Go - Surf Ride to Oblivion
Splendid gravelly voiced most psycho of billy, partly from Cardiff. No youtube of the song, best I could do is a frankly awesome (if you're a nerdy RPG player) video of someone with the Oblivion construction set and far too much time on their hands. Well worth watching (if you're a nerd. Like me).
Caution: May contain latent traces of Roy Castle and/or Record Breakers.
7. Gene Vincent & the Bluecaps - Who Slapped John?
Wasn't me chief, I barely touched him. Wasn't nowhere near him, honest squire. Ah, the musical genius of sweet Gene Vincent. Bloody marvelous. Do yourself a favour - listen to this song and watch the youtube of Ian Dury singing about him (also cocking brilliant) and I can guarantee you will be four percent less cementheaded by the end of it.
Caution: May contain traces of pointy sideburns.
8. Batmobile - Ballroom Blitz
Everybody's favourite Dutch Psychobilly band named after a superhero's car. FACT. Here's t'Sweet performing their original.
Caution: May contain traces of rough scottish blokes dressed as women.
9. The Meteors - Attack of the Zorchmen
Hot bastard damn! I could elaborate, but really, it would be patronising. Even for the cementheads. Watch, marvel and learn. Also, thank the stars that it involves Nigel "Lurch" Lewis singing, thus sparing you P. Paul Fenech's chubby little hamster face.
Caution: May contain traces of unnecessary torso-based stage nudity.
10. Screaming Jay Hawkins - Frenzy
If love gushes from my heart, like water from a spout. Gushes? Are you sure you mean "heart", Jalacy? Saucy. Another one for the RIP in peace. Honestly, the lengths some folk will go to in order to avoid the CSA. Although, to be fair, it was for about 75 kids in his case. A bona fide cast iron guaranteed massive and incontrovertible legendary musical genius. Plus his original of "I Put a Spell on You" pisses on Nina Manvoice Simone's from space. Watch him entertain the crowd and remain in fine, jealousy inducing voice well into his sixth decade.
Caution: May contain traces of extremely inexpert camera work.
So there you go, cementheads. I cannot be arsed doing anymore, that's your lot.
BYE. Imho.
More sPazAmpular japes ahoy!
---
A Psychobilly sPazOut! (tm). Warning, may contain traces of garage. And nuts.
1. King Kurt - Gather Your Limbs
One of the better efforts from the bequiffed purveyors of novelty twatdom. Not THE best, that's something else. But still, less annoying than some of them, and more catchily pleasing than most. Not sure why he thinks I've strewn my limbs all about the place. Here they are, poncing about on a stage nearly 25 years ago.
Warning: May contain traces of quiffs.
2. Screaming Lord Sutch - Jack the Ripper
Lonely mentalist parliamentary wannabe, RIP in peace. Always much better sticking to the music (but not on stage, he was shit on stage). Here's a film made for it with a budget of approximately tuppence ha'penny.
Warning: May contain traces of the fact that it's the original sixties version, whereas I was listening to his superior 1982 cover of his own song. It has far superior hornage.
3. The Reverend Horton Heat - Love Whip
She said baby what's around your waist, it was my love whip. Just next to my enormously lengthy cock. Some of this may not be part of the lyrics. Saucy. No youtube for this, the nearest it offered was a clip of some fat losers performing a version in what appeared to be shed.
Caution: May contain traces of an absent youtube due to fat loser issues.
4. Link Wray - Fatback
Everyone's favourite one-lunged part-shawnee guitar-innovatory motherblubber. Cast-iron bastard genius. RIP in peace, also. Again, the youtube is absent. Couldn't be bothered.
Caution: May contain traces of not being anything to do with The Fatback Band. Fortunately.
5. The Highliners - Henry the Wasp
A pleasant, cheery, if a little one paced semi-novelty almostbilly diversion. Not their best, mainly because it stretches itself over far too many minutes. Nearly four. I'm not really sure there are nearly four minutes to said about being stung by a wasp called Henry. Not sure? Judge for yourself with an awesomely cheap and practically inaudible video involving a tiny model wasp with a quiff.
Caution: May contain traces of lurid and possibly inadvertently camp purple shorts and/or DMs.
6. Demented are Go - Surf Ride to Oblivion
Splendid gravelly voiced most psycho of billy, partly from Cardiff. No youtube of the song, best I could do is a frankly awesome (if you're a nerdy RPG player) video of someone with the Oblivion construction set and far too much time on their hands. Well worth watching (if you're a nerd. Like me).
Caution: May contain latent traces of Roy Castle and/or Record Breakers.
7. Gene Vincent & the Bluecaps - Who Slapped John?
Wasn't me chief, I barely touched him. Wasn't nowhere near him, honest squire. Ah, the musical genius of sweet Gene Vincent. Bloody marvelous. Do yourself a favour - listen to this song and watch the youtube of Ian Dury singing about him (also cocking brilliant) and I can guarantee you will be four percent less cementheaded by the end of it.
Caution: May contain traces of pointy sideburns.
8. Batmobile - Ballroom Blitz
Everybody's favourite Dutch Psychobilly band named after a superhero's car. FACT. Here's t'Sweet performing their original.
Caution: May contain traces of rough scottish blokes dressed as women.
9. The Meteors - Attack of the Zorchmen
Hot bastard damn! I could elaborate, but really, it would be patronising. Even for the cementheads. Watch, marvel and learn. Also, thank the stars that it involves Nigel "Lurch" Lewis singing, thus sparing you P. Paul Fenech's chubby little hamster face.
Caution: May contain traces of unnecessary torso-based stage nudity.
10. Screaming Jay Hawkins - Frenzy
If love gushes from my heart, like water from a spout. Gushes? Are you sure you mean "heart", Jalacy? Saucy. Another one for the RIP in peace. Honestly, the lengths some folk will go to in order to avoid the CSA. Although, to be fair, it was for about 75 kids in his case. A bona fide cast iron guaranteed massive and incontrovertible legendary musical genius. Plus his original of "I Put a Spell on You" pisses on Nina Manvoice Simone's from space. Watch him entertain the crowd and remain in fine, jealousy inducing voice well into his sixth decade.
Caution: May contain traces of extremely inexpert camera work.
So there you go, cementheads. I cannot be arsed doing anymore, that's your lot.
BYE. Imho.
Saturday, 16 February 2008
HNGGH!
See, the main reason why I didn't reproduce the OGP themed shuffle was the amount of pictures and youtubes it featured. But then, the next one along is the Tom Jones themed sPazAmp. And, to be frank, that would be nothing without the pictures. So I'll give it a go. It might take me a while. And I doubt you will consider it worth the effort. But then, that's your own damn fault. It's you that has to live with your sorry self bitch, not me. Ha! Owned in the hypothetical virtualness!
---
Feast your eyes. Drink him in. Absorb the wonder. Be disturbed (mainly by the dead, cold eyes of a killer). Slowly moisten. It's finally time. Time for the Tom Jones Redemption Memorial sPazAmp. HNNGH!
1. If Loving You is Wrong (I Don't Want to be Right)
Is it really so wrong? I mean so, yeah, right, so I have these kids. And a wife. And they, like, depend on me. STOP JUDGING ME. Yes, Tom, it is wrong, you lustful, adulterous bison of a man.
It's just any old man that can carry off the speedo/massive cross poolside look, y'know.
2. This and That
What's that Tom? You tried to do a little bit of big time "moving"? Did you start work for Pickfords, then? It's hard not to be nearly overwhelmed with pangs of empathy when he says he's had too much of this and that, and this and that is no good. I'll let you into a little secret, shall I? Yes, I shall. God appeared to me in a Father Antonio from Sunset Beach style of revelation, and declared this to be one of the five greatest songs ever recorded. FACTUS MAXIMUS.
HNGGH!
3. Kiss
WOAH! HNNGH! I don't care if you're a fat sweaty munter, just so long as you let me have a big welsh, leathery, orange go on your minge. That is, of course, Tom's interpretation. The original was more along the lines of SQUEAK! SHRIEK! I don't care if you're a fat sweaty munter, just so long as you let me have a tiny, purple, midgety go on your minge. Think I better dance now!
4. Never Tear us Apart (feat. Natalie Ibuprofen/Umbrella/Whatever)
She ruins this. She so totally ruins it. I'm not stoked about it, let me tell you. Not even slightly. When Tom kindly put on a concert in Cardiff to commemorate my birthday some years back, he did this by himself. It was, by one bystanding mathematician's reckoning, three thousand times better without the strange faced, bog-eyed, former hod-carrier for Jason Donovan's Dad blarbling all over it.
Here's Natalie in a promotional shot.
5. I'm Left, You're Right, She's Gone
The one tiny, lonely, shivering moment of musical worth in James Dean Bradfield's life. All those uneasy feelings you've had when listening to the Manics - y'know, that nagging sensation that somewhere underneath it all, behind the sub-radiohead (which is in itself sub-sixth form) lyrics, hidden by the random posturing, shitcake make-up and lumbering tuneage, there is a quite entertaining song or two struggling to be born - all point to this song.
Tom still shits all over him, of course. Not literally, mind. That's a privilege he reserves for his very special ladies.
Keep on drinking him in. Control your lust. Look at the colour. Think of the potential vitamin C. Admire the durability. DFS will have a field day with his hide, once he finally carks it (heaven forfend).
6. Motherless Child
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child. Well, we all get peckish now and again, Tom. We just can't do it whilst looking cool in speedo trunks. A comely orange, libido of a muskrat, belt-buckles you could brain a burglar with, AND prone to sensitive introspection. A god amongst men? No. A god amongst gods. He could almost be a bowlie.
7. Chills and Fever
She gives you chills and fever? When she holds your hand and calls you her loving man? She's clearly riddled with diseases, Tom.
Oh, and another thing. In the Father Antonio/Sunset Beach/God type episode, he also told me that they should have kept this as the first single as it is miles better than "It's Not Unusual" (and has a smashing key change thing). FACTUS MAXIMUS TOTALUS.
8. Help Yourself
Love is like candy on a shelf. No, Tom, it isn't. TOM, STOP DOING THAT TO THE PEANUT BRITTLE. Disgusting. Yet also strangely arousing. Mmm, peanut brittle. HNGGH!
The Tom is eternal. I'll be really sad when he pegs it.
9. She's a Lady
I believe I have made my views on the lyrics of this song clear elsewhere (the song's ace, of course. It's Tom, how could it be otherwise). Never in the way, always something nice to say. I can leave her on her own, knowing she's okay alone, there's no messing. HELP ME BUILD A MOUNTAIN FROM A LITTLE POT OF CLAY. She knows what I'm about, she can take what I dish out. Good strong chin, that woman. Can really take a punch. SHE'S A LAYDEE! Doesn't get all up in me stuff when I'm out. Trustworthy, dependable, resilient. Doesn't complain. HNGGH! Really, Tom. You're better than that.
10. Delilah
Summary of lyrics. I was out stalking this woman, loitering outside her house at night. She was in. She was my woman (in my head). I might be a little bit mental. Why are you doing this to me, you scandalous whore? I could see that she was a whore, but I'm a bit mental, what's a guy to do. I waited until no one was around and knocked on. She said who the hell are you. I took offence, and stabbed her head in. As guilty as the McCanns.
Ah, with hips like that, who wouldn't forgive him? Woah!
Tom gets his beard on. Ladies (and men) get their damp on. hnggh. HNNGH!
11. Sexbomb
Thanks, but no thanks, Google Image Search (with the filter off). I prefer the Tom version.
So totally sex he can gargle microphones. Hnhh.
12. Daughter of Darkness
Woman. I can remember a woman. Warm were her kisses, and tender was she, lying there in my arms. After I stabbed her head in for being a deceitful mare. It's the Delilah business all over again. Point of (dis)Interest: Tom actually says something approaching HNNGH! in this song. Also, you have to love anyone who sings his own little backing bits. Daughter of darkness, stay out of my life (my life). No one good enough to trust with it, obviously. We bow down before you, orangey prince of durably tanned music.
13. Detroit City
Okay. Look, right, if I'm honest, no. It isn't as good as the Solomon Burke version that predates it. It certainly isn't as good as the Bobby "Blue" Bland original. But, just ask yourself this. How would they compare, crouching in naught but speedoes and a massive cross by a pool?
Much as I love you Solomon, the thought of you crouching in speedoes, or indeed anything, just made me do a sick in my mouth. Once more, the Tom wins.
14. Mama Told Me Not to Come
Mama also told me the Stereophonics were shite. She was right on both counts and, as much as I like this, it does nothing to redeem Kelly Jones or any of his music defiling friends. Poor Tom, having to suffer such trials. It's a good job he has a leathery, durable hide, having to carry tripe like the Stereomoronics. Give Liam his voice back, Kelly!
15. I (Who Have Nothing)
Another song I have made my feelings clear about elsewhere.I'll be lazy and let ctrl+v hasten the process along...
It took slightly longer than two and bit minutes (well, I felt compelled to listen to various other of his collaborations. And then waffle about them), but I listened to it. But, I'm not listening to it now. Oh no. OH NO. Now, I am listening to...
...The title is a bit of a giveaway, it's all about Tom. And, in this song, it's all about a Tom who stares at you through a window. You're eating, probably a meal, possibly with a foxy tycoon, and there's Tom, gurning at you through a window.
You're being swept off your feet, seduced by talk of the Riviera and Venice. You're very likely moistening. And then, oh, and then. You look up. There's a pair of starey eyes, a mop of unruly hair and an oversized circle of condensation, orange leathery Welshness splodged against the window pane. What do you do?Of course, you tell the Maitre'D of the hobo by the window You embrace the oddball, get married, have children and listen to the Magnetic Fields. It's Bowlie!
I'd still report him. But I fucking LOVE this song.
It's all true. God told me (earlier, with the other stuff he told me).
16. The Young New Mexican Puppeteer.
See, now, this song title always confuses me. Isn't it. Boyo (sorry, came over all Tom then. Not literally of course, that's a privilege he reserves for his very special ladies). I mean, what precisely does he mean? Is it a young, new puppeteer from Mexico, or is it a young, yet possibly experienced puppeteer from New Mexico? I have a similar problem with Super Furry Animals. Do they mean regularly furred animals that are, like, really good, or do they mean like, REALLY furry animals? ANSWER ME, DAMMIT. Either way, it's all a load of old baloney (apart from Tom's magisterial vocal stylings). Aw, let's all be good and like each other! A little lad's done a puppet show about that Jesus fella!
Bollocks, that's what I say. Not all the time, obviously. That would be quite the social hindrance.
17. Venus
Not as good as Shocking Blue (the song that is. Obviously, Tom bests them with the ease of a Big Brother contestant attempting to look like a retarded attention grabbing sea creature), better than Banananananananarama.
I won't deny that I may have got a little confused there.
18. What's New Pussycat
Tom. Tom. TOM. TOM. You do realise that the person you are describing sounds remarkably like an actual cat? I realise that you have the libido of a muskrat on viagra and are an uncontrollable bison of a man, but come on. You have to draw the line somewhere. Plus, I don't know if you've noticed - CATS DON'T REALLY HAVE ACTUAL FUCKING LIPS. Honestly, you're testing my patience.
19. Green, Green Grass of Home
Did you know this was about a prisoner on death row? Did you? I didn't. Not for years. Obviously, I found out when I was about twelve or so, but by then, it had been one of my favourite songs for about six years (that I can remember - apparently, I was a big fan of "Avenues and Alleyways" by Tony Christie and "Surrender" by Elvis before then). I was heartbroken. Poor Tom! Poor brave Tom! But then later, the realisation hits. He stabbed Delilah's head up. Of course they'd send him to the chair. It's no more than he'd deserve. No doubt he'd survive though, insulated by the durable orange leatheryness. HNNGH!
Tom's going to the moon, brb.
It might be a different Tom Jones. Oh Google Image Search, why you deceive me so?
20. It's Not Unusual
Okay, so I fixed it, I admit it. Well, it kept throwing up songs I'd already used. There is a limit to how many different Tom songs one guy can own, y'know. Look, it's hardly that strange, is it. It's not like it's completely out of the ordinary. It's not unusual.
HNNGH!
I'll have to go now, I feel somewhat weak.
Once more, with feeling...
HNNGH!
Phwoar. Bye.
---
Feast your eyes. Drink him in. Absorb the wonder. Be disturbed (mainly by the dead, cold eyes of a killer). Slowly moisten. It's finally time. Time for the Tom Jones Redemption Memorial sPazAmp. HNNGH!
1. If Loving You is Wrong (I Don't Want to be Right)
Is it really so wrong? I mean so, yeah, right, so I have these kids. And a wife. And they, like, depend on me. STOP JUDGING ME. Yes, Tom, it is wrong, you lustful, adulterous bison of a man.
It's just any old man that can carry off the speedo/massive cross poolside look, y'know.
2. This and That
What's that Tom? You tried to do a little bit of big time "moving"? Did you start work for Pickfords, then? It's hard not to be nearly overwhelmed with pangs of empathy when he says he's had too much of this and that, and this and that is no good. I'll let you into a little secret, shall I? Yes, I shall. God appeared to me in a Father Antonio from Sunset Beach style of revelation, and declared this to be one of the five greatest songs ever recorded. FACTUS MAXIMUS.
HNGGH!
3. Kiss
WOAH! HNNGH! I don't care if you're a fat sweaty munter, just so long as you let me have a big welsh, leathery, orange go on your minge. That is, of course, Tom's interpretation. The original was more along the lines of SQUEAK! SHRIEK! I don't care if you're a fat sweaty munter, just so long as you let me have a tiny, purple, midgety go on your minge. Think I better dance now!
4. Never Tear us Apart (feat. Natalie Ibuprofen/Umbrella/Whatever)
She ruins this. She so totally ruins it. I'm not stoked about it, let me tell you. Not even slightly. When Tom kindly put on a concert in Cardiff to commemorate my birthday some years back, he did this by himself. It was, by one bystanding mathematician's reckoning, three thousand times better without the strange faced, bog-eyed, former hod-carrier for Jason Donovan's Dad blarbling all over it.
Here's Natalie in a promotional shot.
5. I'm Left, You're Right, She's Gone
The one tiny, lonely, shivering moment of musical worth in James Dean Bradfield's life. All those uneasy feelings you've had when listening to the Manics - y'know, that nagging sensation that somewhere underneath it all, behind the sub-radiohead (which is in itself sub-sixth form) lyrics, hidden by the random posturing, shitcake make-up and lumbering tuneage, there is a quite entertaining song or two struggling to be born - all point to this song.
Tom still shits all over him, of course. Not literally, mind. That's a privilege he reserves for his very special ladies.
Keep on drinking him in. Control your lust. Look at the colour. Think of the potential vitamin C. Admire the durability. DFS will have a field day with his hide, once he finally carks it (heaven forfend).
6. Motherless Child
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child. Well, we all get peckish now and again, Tom. We just can't do it whilst looking cool in speedo trunks. A comely orange, libido of a muskrat, belt-buckles you could brain a burglar with, AND prone to sensitive introspection. A god amongst men? No. A god amongst gods. He could almost be a bowlie.
7. Chills and Fever
She gives you chills and fever? When she holds your hand and calls you her loving man? She's clearly riddled with diseases, Tom.
Oh, and another thing. In the Father Antonio/Sunset Beach/God type episode, he also told me that they should have kept this as the first single as it is miles better than "It's Not Unusual" (and has a smashing key change thing). FACTUS MAXIMUS TOTALUS.
8. Help Yourself
Love is like candy on a shelf. No, Tom, it isn't. TOM, STOP DOING THAT TO THE PEANUT BRITTLE. Disgusting. Yet also strangely arousing. Mmm, peanut brittle. HNGGH!
The Tom is eternal. I'll be really sad when he pegs it.
9. She's a Lady
I believe I have made my views on the lyrics of this song clear elsewhere (the song's ace, of course. It's Tom, how could it be otherwise). Never in the way, always something nice to say. I can leave her on her own, knowing she's okay alone, there's no messing. HELP ME BUILD A MOUNTAIN FROM A LITTLE POT OF CLAY. She knows what I'm about, she can take what I dish out. Good strong chin, that woman. Can really take a punch. SHE'S A LAYDEE! Doesn't get all up in me stuff when I'm out. Trustworthy, dependable, resilient. Doesn't complain. HNGGH! Really, Tom. You're better than that.
10. Delilah
Summary of lyrics. I was out stalking this woman, loitering outside her house at night. She was in. She was my woman (in my head). I might be a little bit mental. Why are you doing this to me, you scandalous whore? I could see that she was a whore, but I'm a bit mental, what's a guy to do. I waited until no one was around and knocked on. She said who the hell are you. I took offence, and stabbed her head in. As guilty as the McCanns.
Ah, with hips like that, who wouldn't forgive him? Woah!
Tom gets his beard on. Ladies (and men) get their damp on. hnggh. HNNGH!
11. Sexbomb
Thanks, but no thanks, Google Image Search (with the filter off). I prefer the Tom version.
So totally sex he can gargle microphones. Hnhh.
12. Daughter of Darkness
Woman. I can remember a woman. Warm were her kisses, and tender was she, lying there in my arms. After I stabbed her head in for being a deceitful mare. It's the Delilah business all over again. Point of (dis)Interest: Tom actually says something approaching HNNGH! in this song. Also, you have to love anyone who sings his own little backing bits. Daughter of darkness, stay out of my life (my life). No one good enough to trust with it, obviously. We bow down before you, orangey prince of durably tanned music.
13. Detroit City
Okay. Look, right, if I'm honest, no. It isn't as good as the Solomon Burke version that predates it. It certainly isn't as good as the Bobby "Blue" Bland original. But, just ask yourself this. How would they compare, crouching in naught but speedoes and a massive cross by a pool?
Much as I love you Solomon, the thought of you crouching in speedoes, or indeed anything, just made me do a sick in my mouth. Once more, the Tom wins.
14. Mama Told Me Not to Come
Mama also told me the Stereophonics were shite. She was right on both counts and, as much as I like this, it does nothing to redeem Kelly Jones or any of his music defiling friends. Poor Tom, having to suffer such trials. It's a good job he has a leathery, durable hide, having to carry tripe like the Stereomoronics. Give Liam his voice back, Kelly!
15. I (Who Have Nothing)
Another song I have made my feelings clear about elsewhere.I'll be lazy and let ctrl+v hasten the process along...
It took slightly longer than two and bit minutes (well, I felt compelled to listen to various other of his collaborations. And then waffle about them), but I listened to it. But, I'm not listening to it now. Oh no. OH NO. Now, I am listening to...
...The title is a bit of a giveaway, it's all about Tom. And, in this song, it's all about a Tom who stares at you through a window. You're eating, probably a meal, possibly with a foxy tycoon, and there's Tom, gurning at you through a window.
You're being swept off your feet, seduced by talk of the Riviera and Venice. You're very likely moistening. And then, oh, and then. You look up. There's a pair of starey eyes, a mop of unruly hair and an oversized circle of condensation, orange leathery Welshness splodged against the window pane. What do you do?
I'd still report him. But I fucking LOVE this song.
It's all true. God told me (earlier, with the other stuff he told me).
16. The Young New Mexican Puppeteer.
See, now, this song title always confuses me. Isn't it. Boyo (sorry, came over all Tom then. Not literally of course, that's a privilege he reserves for his very special ladies). I mean, what precisely does he mean? Is it a young, new puppeteer from Mexico, or is it a young, yet possibly experienced puppeteer from New Mexico? I have a similar problem with Super Furry Animals. Do they mean regularly furred animals that are, like, really good, or do they mean like, REALLY furry animals? ANSWER ME, DAMMIT. Either way, it's all a load of old baloney (apart from Tom's magisterial vocal stylings). Aw, let's all be good and like each other! A little lad's done a puppet show about that Jesus fella!
Bollocks, that's what I say. Not all the time, obviously. That would be quite the social hindrance.
17. Venus
Not as good as Shocking Blue (the song that is. Obviously, Tom bests them with the ease of a Big Brother contestant attempting to look like a retarded attention grabbing sea creature), better than Banananananananarama.
I won't deny that I may have got a little confused there.
18. What's New Pussycat
Tom. Tom. TOM. TOM. You do realise that the person you are describing sounds remarkably like an actual cat? I realise that you have the libido of a muskrat on viagra and are an uncontrollable bison of a man, but come on. You have to draw the line somewhere. Plus, I don't know if you've noticed - CATS DON'T REALLY HAVE ACTUAL FUCKING LIPS. Honestly, you're testing my patience.
19. Green, Green Grass of Home
Did you know this was about a prisoner on death row? Did you? I didn't. Not for years. Obviously, I found out when I was about twelve or so, but by then, it had been one of my favourite songs for about six years (that I can remember - apparently, I was a big fan of "Avenues and Alleyways" by Tony Christie and "Surrender" by Elvis before then). I was heartbroken. Poor Tom! Poor brave Tom! But then later, the realisation hits. He stabbed Delilah's head up. Of course they'd send him to the chair. It's no more than he'd deserve. No doubt he'd survive though, insulated by the durable orange leatheryness. HNNGH!
Tom's going to the moon, brb.
It might be a different Tom Jones. Oh Google Image Search, why you deceive me so?
20. It's Not Unusual
Okay, so I fixed it, I admit it. Well, it kept throwing up songs I'd already used. There is a limit to how many different Tom songs one guy can own, y'know. Look, it's hardly that strange, is it. It's not like it's completely out of the ordinary. It's not unusual.
HNNGH!
I'll have to go now, I feel somewhat weak.
Once more, with feeling...
HNNGH!
Phwoar. Bye.
Holy moly what the...JEFF!
It's a satanic Most Haunted thing, you wouldn't understand. There is a missing sPazAmp, and this post is here by way of apology and, perhaps, explanation. See, it was all to commemorate the passing (in a football sense, he's not dead or anything) of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer - the man, the myth, the legend, the baby faced assassin, the pretty darn good United striker from Norway. It wasn't that funny, and had pretty much all the same songs on as all the other ones. But it was my little pointless way of commemorating the glorious playing career of one of our most faithful servants. Cheers OGP, you had a shuffle, and it isn't on here. Soz, chief. Back shortly with some further pointless ramblings.
Bye!
Bye!
Friday, 15 February 2008
You are in a comfortable tunnel-like hall, YOU DROKKING LAWBREAKER
Y/N?
---
The key's in the chest, you onion! Quick, or you'll be stuck in that stupid hall forever, becoming increasingly frustrated and trying to put Thorin in the chest for kicks!
You find yourself gripped by an urge to reveal the paucity of racy adventure and edge-of-the-seat thrillsomeness in your life by doing yet another sPazAmp on a Saturday night. What is more, you are gripped by this strange and debilitating urge whilst listening to "Coward of the County" by Kenny Rogers. What will you do? If you wish to sPazAmp with this as the first song, turn to page 803. If you wish to sPazAmp without including the nefariously bearded perverse musical pleasure, turn to page 2. If you wish to do neither, set fire to book. And then yourself. If you don't wish to do the things he done, if you wish to walk away from trouble if you can, if you don't think it's means you're weak if you turn the other cheek, please ring Kenny for advice and a hug.
Turn to page 2.
1. Wu-Tang Clan - Rules
You find yourself in a cave, unsurprisingly. By means of some rude grafitti on the cave wall, you discover the perils of turning the other cheek to Kenny Rogers. It sends a shiver through your carefully trimmed silvery beard. If you wish to rethink your actions and ring Kenny for some special beardy fun, turn to appendix XI. If you wish to fight a dragon to put all that time you spent cheating to get good STR and STA to good use (and yet ultimately be devoured, bringing the adventure to a premature and grisly end), then turn to page YOURESTUPID. If you wish to eat the dice, consult a psychiatrist. If you have already eaten the dice, consult a physician. If y'all know the rules, and don't fuck with fools, then turn to page 40oz. If you're bored of reading this page, turn to another page. If you think that the vast majority of possible "turn to page" jokes have been used in this, the first entry, then turn to page WHATDOYOUWANTAFUCKINGMEDAL EINSTEIN. If you wish to continue your daring adventure into sPazAmpLand, with stout heart and girded loins, turn to page 3. If you have accidentally girded some lions, then please contact Animal Hospital's Rolf Harris, and a welder.
Turn to page 3.
2. Devo - Girl U Want
Look, if you wanted to read things in sequentially numbered order, you should have bought a regular book you peanut. It's an adventure! Possibly taking place in Firetop Mountain, which is in no way a sign of Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone stealing from J.R.R. Tolkein! Show some backbone, man! Try the path less trodden (not in the Kenny Rogers special beard fun way)! If you have grown a spine and a fine, bouncing pair of balls, turn to page eight gillion and listen to the next song whilst stabbing a chimaera, juggling flaming chainsaws and having illicit congress with a squid. If you have suddenly become a cementhead, then stop reading, denounce the quirky majesty of Devo, burn your computer, and start listening to th'Arctic t'Monkeys. If you are still a eunuch with jellified vertebrae, turn to page 4 and have some crumpets with Anne Diamond.
Turn to page eight gillion.
3. NoMeansNo - Phone Call
That's more like it. On both the musical and cojones-sprouting fronts. You are confronted by a bunch of tremendously wonderful Canadians, probably in a cave still, playing thunderously wonderful, slightly terrifying, marginally math-rock music at you. Roll against willpower. Fail, and you will be trapped listening to nothing else but their polar bear worrying, mountie-endorsed grandeur forever. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it will make for a slightly repetitive sPazAmpVenture. Survive, and turn to page NEXT.
Roll dice *3* Get in! Turn to page NEXT.
4. Cinerama - Your Charms
You turn to page next. You are somewhere else. Something else is happening. Choose between one thing and another thing. Get it wrong and something a bit bad might happen to you. Get it right, and something a bit less bad might happen to you, but it might ultimately lead to a more difficult choice of things and then death on spikes. The choice, as our Graham off of television's Blind Date says, is yours.
This book is a bit rubbish. I've seen more effort put in to editions of Woman's Own, and possibly Bella.
A large rock falls on your head. You pick up the rock and inspect it. It is carved with strange, eldritch runic symbols. Luckily, you can read strange eldritch runicese. You translate. It reads "watch it, you tart". If you wish to watch it, you tart, then turn to page watchityoutart. If you do not wish to watch it, you tart, then turn to page certaindeathbyspikesyoutart.
And just how are you doing that? You're meant to be a book. The responses can't be tailored to things I say in my head. Or out loud. Or on the internets. That's just stupid. You're stupid. Stupid, just stupid. Like the insurance costs in that advert.
You marvel at the strange coincidence of the entries in the fighting fantasy book The WarAmp of FireSpaz Mountain appearing as though they are direct responses to your own musings. You also toy with scrawling "I AM A MASSIVE HOMBO" on your own forehead in permanent marker. However, you think better of this ludicrous idea and decide to mend your ways and not question my bookly wisdom again. The pleasant strains of another of Gedge's paeans to adulterous fornication fade, leaving you with a choice. If you wish to pull the lever that I have hitherto failed to mention, turn to page -6. If you do not wish to pull the lever, don't. No skin off my nose, squire.
Turn to page -6.
5. Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Review
You pull the lever. A bunch of ugly scousers sing at you. It is a not unpleasant experience. If you close your eyes, that is. And try desperately to block out the stench of roasting rat. Musically rejuvenated, yet slightly tainted by the miasma of the Kingdom of Scouse and possessed of a perturbing urge to hold a minute's silence, you gain +3 musical happiness and incur a -2 penalty to personal hygiene. You turn to page 35, whether you like it or not.
6. Chingon - Alacran y Pistolero
You fall into a massive pit filled with spikes, and rather understandably die. Only kidding! Have a French Fancy and a sit down. In front of you is one of them forens, singing in forens whilst wearing a massive sombrero. It's really quite lovely, even if you have great difficulty understanding what he is warbling about (you skipped Proper Forens to take extra strange, eldritch runicese lessons, you onion). The forens finishes his song and gives you a pair of quite awesome cowboy boots with a really ace pattern on them. It is fair to say that you are totally stoked. You gain a +10 MASSIVE SEXINESS bonus. If you wish to strut about the place, turn to page gimp and incur a massive slap about the chops penalty. If you wish to slink forward into the mountain with an air of inscrutable appeal and louche rum addiction, then have a drink on me, gorgeous. And turn to page 94.
Turn to pagegimp 94.
7. Tom Jones - (I Ain't No) One Night Only Love Maker
Crossing outs or no crossing outs, I can only accept your first answer. And thus you have strutted to a room made entirely from tough, orange leather. You find, to your mild dismay (and hidden, secret pleasure), that you fit right in. You gain +5 to leather garments, chest hair and medallions, +800 to orange hue and skin thickness. Your belt buckle nearly causes you to fall over, such is its weight in pure gold, you are saved only by the +50 you have also gained to hip-power. You feel compelled to turn page 3, to ogle breasts and listen to My Life Story.
8. My Life Story - Strumpet
Your leathery orange glow fades, to be replaced by a faintly irritating voice, the occasional good tune and an overblown and misplaced sense of your own musicality. If, for the good of all musickind, you wish to end it now, turn to page painlessdeathbyinjection. If you can't bring yourself to do it because, when push comes to shove, you shove yourself in the direction of actually quite liking several of the songs, turn to page hangyourheadinshameyoutart.
Turn to page thingy, not the death one.
9. Chris Farlowe- Yesterday's Papers
You find yourself confronted by the world's pre-eminent collector of Nazi memorabilia and possessor of a fucking fine voice, asking you who wants yesterday's papers. If you wish to answer that you understand the slightly misogynistic rhetorical question he is posing, turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY! If you wish to answer "chip shops, Chris. Chip shops", then turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY!one.
Turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY!one, but keep thumb on previous page in case something a bit bad happens, and I decide I'd rather do the other thing.
10. Church of Misery - Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll
You have been found guilty of gross, reprehensible bookcheating. You fall into a pit of spikes and, quite understandably die. No French Fancy for you this time, kiddo. At least, as you meet your maker in a compromising impalement scenario, you get to listen to a really fucking fantastic song that every one with even the most passing acquaintance with THE RIFF should listen to and adore. Even if they are otherwise cementheaded. Now, back to your pit-shaped spike-filled DOOM, motherblubber!
Do you wish to play again Y/N?
Y
I'm a book. Not a game. You are not the WarAmp of FireSpaz Mountain. Now fuck off.
---
The key's in the chest, you onion! Quick, or you'll be stuck in that stupid hall forever, becoming increasingly frustrated and trying to put Thorin in the chest for kicks!
You find yourself gripped by an urge to reveal the paucity of racy adventure and edge-of-the-seat thrillsomeness in your life by doing yet another sPazAmp on a Saturday night. What is more, you are gripped by this strange and debilitating urge whilst listening to "Coward of the County" by Kenny Rogers. What will you do? If you wish to sPazAmp with this as the first song, turn to page 803. If you wish to sPazAmp without including the nefariously bearded perverse musical pleasure, turn to page 2. If you wish to do neither, set fire to book. And then yourself. If you don't wish to do the things he done, if you wish to walk away from trouble if you can, if you don't think it's means you're weak if you turn the other cheek, please ring Kenny for advice and a hug.
Turn to page 2.
1. Wu-Tang Clan - Rules
You find yourself in a cave, unsurprisingly. By means of some rude grafitti on the cave wall, you discover the perils of turning the other cheek to Kenny Rogers. It sends a shiver through your carefully trimmed silvery beard. If you wish to rethink your actions and ring Kenny for some special beardy fun, turn to appendix XI. If you wish to fight a dragon to put all that time you spent cheating to get good STR and STA to good use (and yet ultimately be devoured, bringing the adventure to a premature and grisly end), then turn to page YOURESTUPID. If you wish to eat the dice, consult a psychiatrist. If you have already eaten the dice, consult a physician. If y'all know the rules, and don't fuck with fools, then turn to page 40oz. If you're bored of reading this page, turn to another page. If you think that the vast majority of possible "turn to page" jokes have been used in this, the first entry, then turn to page WHATDOYOUWANTAFUCKINGMEDAL EINSTEIN. If you wish to continue your daring adventure into sPazAmpLand, with stout heart and girded loins, turn to page 3. If you have accidentally girded some lions, then please contact Animal Hospital's Rolf Harris, and a welder.
Turn to page 3.
2. Devo - Girl U Want
Look, if you wanted to read things in sequentially numbered order, you should have bought a regular book you peanut. It's an adventure! Possibly taking place in Firetop Mountain, which is in no way a sign of Steve Jackson and Ian Livingstone stealing from J.R.R. Tolkein! Show some backbone, man! Try the path less trodden (not in the Kenny Rogers special beard fun way)! If you have grown a spine and a fine, bouncing pair of balls, turn to page eight gillion and listen to the next song whilst stabbing a chimaera, juggling flaming chainsaws and having illicit congress with a squid. If you have suddenly become a cementhead, then stop reading, denounce the quirky majesty of Devo, burn your computer, and start listening to th'Arctic t'Monkeys. If you are still a eunuch with jellified vertebrae, turn to page 4 and have some crumpets with Anne Diamond.
Turn to page eight gillion.
3. NoMeansNo - Phone Call
That's more like it. On both the musical and cojones-sprouting fronts. You are confronted by a bunch of tremendously wonderful Canadians, probably in a cave still, playing thunderously wonderful, slightly terrifying, marginally math-rock music at you. Roll against willpower. Fail, and you will be trapped listening to nothing else but their polar bear worrying, mountie-endorsed grandeur forever. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it will make for a slightly repetitive sPazAmpVenture. Survive, and turn to page NEXT.
Roll dice *3* Get in! Turn to page NEXT.
4. Cinerama - Your Charms
You turn to page next. You are somewhere else. Something else is happening. Choose between one thing and another thing. Get it wrong and something a bit bad might happen to you. Get it right, and something a bit less bad might happen to you, but it might ultimately lead to a more difficult choice of things and then death on spikes. The choice, as our Graham off of television's Blind Date says, is yours.
This book is a bit rubbish. I've seen more effort put in to editions of Woman's Own, and possibly Bella.
A large rock falls on your head. You pick up the rock and inspect it. It is carved with strange, eldritch runic symbols. Luckily, you can read strange eldritch runicese. You translate. It reads "watch it, you tart". If you wish to watch it, you tart, then turn to page watchityoutart. If you do not wish to watch it, you tart, then turn to page certaindeathbyspikesyoutart.
And just how are you doing that? You're meant to be a book. The responses can't be tailored to things I say in my head. Or out loud. Or on the internets. That's just stupid. You're stupid. Stupid, just stupid. Like the insurance costs in that advert.
You marvel at the strange coincidence of the entries in the fighting fantasy book The WarAmp of FireSpaz Mountain appearing as though they are direct responses to your own musings. You also toy with scrawling "I AM A MASSIVE HOMBO" on your own forehead in permanent marker. However, you think better of this ludicrous idea and decide to mend your ways and not question my bookly wisdom again. The pleasant strains of another of Gedge's paeans to adulterous fornication fade, leaving you with a choice. If you wish to pull the lever that I have hitherto failed to mention, turn to page -6. If you do not wish to pull the lever, don't. No skin off my nose, squire.
Turn to page -6.
5. Half Man Half Biscuit - Bad Review
You pull the lever. A bunch of ugly scousers sing at you. It is a not unpleasant experience. If you close your eyes, that is. And try desperately to block out the stench of roasting rat. Musically rejuvenated, yet slightly tainted by the miasma of the Kingdom of Scouse and possessed of a perturbing urge to hold a minute's silence, you gain +3 musical happiness and incur a -2 penalty to personal hygiene. You turn to page 35, whether you like it or not.
6. Chingon - Alacran y Pistolero
You fall into a massive pit filled with spikes, and rather understandably die. Only kidding! Have a French Fancy and a sit down. In front of you is one of them forens, singing in forens whilst wearing a massive sombrero. It's really quite lovely, even if you have great difficulty understanding what he is warbling about (you skipped Proper Forens to take extra strange, eldritch runicese lessons, you onion). The forens finishes his song and gives you a pair of quite awesome cowboy boots with a really ace pattern on them. It is fair to say that you are totally stoked. You gain a +10 MASSIVE SEXINESS bonus. If you wish to strut about the place, turn to page gimp and incur a massive slap about the chops penalty. If you wish to slink forward into the mountain with an air of inscrutable appeal and louche rum addiction, then have a drink on me, gorgeous. And turn to page 94.
Turn to page
7. Tom Jones - (I Ain't No) One Night Only Love Maker
Crossing outs or no crossing outs, I can only accept your first answer. And thus you have strutted to a room made entirely from tough, orange leather. You find, to your mild dismay (and hidden, secret pleasure), that you fit right in. You gain +5 to leather garments, chest hair and medallions, +800 to orange hue and skin thickness. Your belt buckle nearly causes you to fall over, such is its weight in pure gold, you are saved only by the +50 you have also gained to hip-power. You feel compelled to turn page 3, to ogle breasts and listen to My Life Story.
8. My Life Story - Strumpet
Your leathery orange glow fades, to be replaced by a faintly irritating voice, the occasional good tune and an overblown and misplaced sense of your own musicality. If, for the good of all musickind, you wish to end it now, turn to page painlessdeathbyinjection. If you can't bring yourself to do it because, when push comes to shove, you shove yourself in the direction of actually quite liking several of the songs, turn to page hangyourheadinshameyoutart.
Turn to page thingy, not the death one.
9. Chris Farlowe- Yesterday's Papers
You find yourself confronted by the world's pre-eminent collector of Nazi memorabilia and possessor of a fucking fine voice, asking you who wants yesterday's papers. If you wish to answer that you understand the slightly misogynistic rhetorical question he is posing, turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY! If you wish to answer "chip shops, Chris. Chip shops", then turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY!one.
Turn to page one hundred and EIGHTY!one, but keep thumb on previous page in case something a bit bad happens, and I decide I'd rather do the other thing.
10. Church of Misery - Cities on Flame with Rock and Roll
You have been found guilty of gross, reprehensible bookcheating. You fall into a pit of spikes and, quite understandably die. No French Fancy for you this time, kiddo. At least, as you meet your maker in a compromising impalement scenario, you get to listen to a really fucking fantastic song that every one with even the most passing acquaintance with THE RIFF should listen to and adore. Even if they are otherwise cementheaded. Now, back to your pit-shaped spike-filled DOOM, motherblubber!
Do you wish to play again Y/N?
Y
I'm a book. Not a game. You are not the WarAmp of FireSpaz Mountain. Now fuck off.
GAZE INTO THE FIST OF DREDD!
I ran out of Dredd swears. Soz.
---
Indeed.
Come with now, on a journey throughtime and space the mysterious outer reaches of the musical world, a world inhabited by, well, music. But weird music, the likes of which you have never seen heard before. Unless you have, of course. Oh, and orcs. There might be orcs. But mainly the musics.
1. Blancmange - Wasted
Blancmange should never be wasted. It's tasty goodness should be consumed, savoured, digested and ultimately squeezed out again. What's Blancmange made of? Is it actually organic, or is it just an agglomeration of fluffy pink chemicals? Who cares when it tastes so good! Lovely song, incidentally. Poor, overlooked Blancmange (both band and tasty agglomeration of fluffy pink chemicals).
2. Tom Jones - You Can't Stop Love
Tom puts his rape-threat hat on. And warbles a pleasant, but hardly outstanding little tune whilst he's about it. Orange leather, isn't it.
3. Can - Up The Bakerloo Line With Anne
It's Can, and therefore spunktastic. I could explain why, I could, but then I'd have to knock marks off for musical ignorance. And no one wants that now, do they? DO THEY? Thought not. It's also nearly twenty minutes long, so I shall be back later.
4. Nirvana - Mr. Moustache
That would be a stupid name. I mean, even if he had a moustache, how would his parents have known? That's pressure, that is. Pressure to conform and ultimately grow a moustache (as opposed to growing the ultimate moustache, which would be an entirely different proposition). Imagine if the poor chap had been Amish. Oh, the confusion.
5. EPMD - Strictly Business
Ah, the first golden age of hip hop. Stupid copyright laws, messing with the Scary Rap Dudes. The very definition of quality (well, it's not. Not strictly speaking. Don't use it in an essay or anything).
6. Green Day - Jesus of Suburbia
Poor chap. Nailed to some decking near a water feature. TUNE!
7. The Four Tops - Walk Away, Renee
So much better than the other version it hurts. Owned in the FACE, Left Banke.
8. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Black Tongue
Absolutely fine, just so long as you pay little to no attention to the actual words being sung. That just ruins it.
9. David Essex - Oh! What a Circus
Oh! What a show. And Oh! What a song. Stop looking at me like that.
10. The Minus 5 - Courage is the Smallest Bird
I think you'll find it's actually one of the hummingbirds, dude.
11. The Sweet - Wig Wam Bam
Sex in a tent!
12. Jethro Tull - Reasons for Waiting
Catching a bus, being served in a supermarket, taking food to the customers - hang on, this isn't Family Fortunes at all!
13. The Drifters - Under the Boardwalk
They're no Bruce Willis. He did this AND wrestled a plane.
14. Vanilla Fudge - The Sky Cried When I Was a Boy
That was rain, you spacker.
15. Tenpole Tudor - Swords of a Thousand Men
Bloody great. Wunderbar, even. No, hang on, that was the other song.
16. Turtles - Happy Together
They're no Jason Donovan. He did this ANDwrestled a plane wore eight inches of make up.
17. Muse - Muscle Museum
It might be one of the few really good Muse songs but come on - how shit would that museum be?
18. Public Enemy - Terminator X Speaks with his Hands
What is he, a bloody puppeteer?
19. Satan's Pilgrims - Ben Tanaka
There's a man in my office whose name is very reminiscent of Hakuna Matata. I accidentally said "no worries!" to him this morning.
20. Chris Farlowe - Ride on Baby
You'll squash it, you mental pervert! Bet you got that sort of attitude from Chris Langham. Shocking.
Yes. Well. There you have it. No orcs, some musics. And gallons of fun!
BYE.
---
Indeed.
Come with now, on a journey through
1. Blancmange - Wasted
Blancmange should never be wasted. It's tasty goodness should be consumed, savoured, digested and ultimately squeezed out again. What's Blancmange made of? Is it actually organic, or is it just an agglomeration of fluffy pink chemicals? Who cares when it tastes so good! Lovely song, incidentally. Poor, overlooked Blancmange (both band and tasty agglomeration of fluffy pink chemicals).
2. Tom Jones - You Can't Stop Love
Tom puts his rape-threat hat on. And warbles a pleasant, but hardly outstanding little tune whilst he's about it. Orange leather, isn't it.
3. Can - Up The Bakerloo Line With Anne
It's Can, and therefore spunktastic. I could explain why, I could, but then I'd have to knock marks off for musical ignorance. And no one wants that now, do they? DO THEY? Thought not. It's also nearly twenty minutes long, so I shall be back later.
4. Nirvana - Mr. Moustache
That would be a stupid name. I mean, even if he had a moustache, how would his parents have known? That's pressure, that is. Pressure to conform and ultimately grow a moustache (as opposed to growing the ultimate moustache, which would be an entirely different proposition). Imagine if the poor chap had been Amish. Oh, the confusion.
5. EPMD - Strictly Business
Ah, the first golden age of hip hop. Stupid copyright laws, messing with the Scary Rap Dudes. The very definition of quality (well, it's not. Not strictly speaking. Don't use it in an essay or anything).
6. Green Day - Jesus of Suburbia
Poor chap. Nailed to some decking near a water feature. TUNE!
7. The Four Tops - Walk Away, Renee
So much better than the other version it hurts. Owned in the FACE, Left Banke.
8. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Black Tongue
Absolutely fine, just so long as you pay little to no attention to the actual words being sung. That just ruins it.
9. David Essex - Oh! What a Circus
Oh! What a show. And Oh! What a song. Stop looking at me like that.
10. The Minus 5 - Courage is the Smallest Bird
I think you'll find it's actually one of the hummingbirds, dude.
11. The Sweet - Wig Wam Bam
Sex in a tent!
12. Jethro Tull - Reasons for Waiting
Catching a bus, being served in a supermarket, taking food to the customers - hang on, this isn't Family Fortunes at all!
13. The Drifters - Under the Boardwalk
They're no Bruce Willis. He did this AND wrestled a plane.
14. Vanilla Fudge - The Sky Cried When I Was a Boy
That was rain, you spacker.
15. Tenpole Tudor - Swords of a Thousand Men
Bloody great. Wunderbar, even. No, hang on, that was the other song.
16. Turtles - Happy Together
They're no Jason Donovan. He did this AND
17. Muse - Muscle Museum
It might be one of the few really good Muse songs but come on - how shit would that museum be?
18. Public Enemy - Terminator X Speaks with his Hands
What is he, a bloody puppeteer?
19. Satan's Pilgrims - Ben Tanaka
There's a man in my office whose name is very reminiscent of Hakuna Matata. I accidentally said "no worries!" to him this morning.
20. Chris Farlowe - Ride on Baby
You'll squash it, you mental pervert! Bet you got that sort of attitude from Chris Langham. Shocking.
Yes. Well. There you have it. No orcs, some musics. And gallons of fun!
BYE.
GRUDD!!!
I've just eaten a curry!
---
Quite.
Blah blah blah mumble sPazAmp blah blah bleurgh shuffle do de doo dooo mumble cementheads.
1. Jello Biafra & Mojo Nixon (and probably some Toadliquors) - Hamlet Chicken Plant Disaster
Featuring no Jello Biafra at all. Unless he's making a weird, barely discernible noise in the background, or something. Still, much as I do love a bit of Jello, the better songs on the album are the ones where he isn't there. Mojo don't need no collaborations to be brilliant. Well, maybe Skid Roper. And possibly the toadliquors. And Jello Biafra sometimes. Okay, so maybe he does. Sometimes. But not at others. I'm going to stop now, because the fence is digging into my buttocks. That might be a euphemism. For bumming.
2. The Dicks Hate the Police
They do, you know. Really hate them. Absolutely can't stick them. Which may also be a euphemism. For bumming. However, the really sad aspect of this whole affair is not the bumming euphemism, it's the fact that they didn't manage to record anything that came within a million miles of being as good as this. They tried, they failed. Like Michael Barrymore trying to escape his past.
3. Melvins - Leeech
Reeeally spleeendid. I like the Melvins, did you know? I don't think I've ever really mentioned it before. And, reading back over this entry, I don't think I can find a single thing that could be construed as a euphemism for bumming. Which, I'm sure you will all agree, is a shame. Poor, stillborn running joke. How we mourn thee.
4. The Electric Prunes - Mujo 22
The start of this sounds exactly like something Rudi Vandersario and Spider Dijon might record. In fact, most of the song could have been spawned by the infamous bongo brothers. Which is amusing if that means anything to you, and isn't worth finding out if it doesn't (mainly because the song is a bit like Josh Hartnett's acting skills. That is, painful, tragic and cursed with an incredibly square head.
5. Lee Dresser & the Krazy Kats - Beat Out My Love
Not so much a euphemism for furious fapping as a direct, matter of fact musical showcase of it. Which, if you think about the sentence for a fraction too long, sounds really disgusting and bizarre. Still, it's really good in its own inimitable 50s twisted rock'n'roll way.
6. Jean-Jacques Perrey - 18th Century Puppet
Biting historical comment on the political situation in Europe in a time of stirring unrest and social upheaval, or a plinkly plonkly early electronic oddity? You decide.
7. The Littlest Hobo Theme
Elton John is naming his next tour after this, and only changing one letter. Although why he would want to call his tour "the littlest hrbo tour" I have no idea.
8. Muse - Hoodoo
Piss off you overearnest, overblown, over-egger-of-puddings midget tosspot. I like two entire songs, one entire half of another and, if I'm lucky, a little ten second snatch here and there. Although the last part is more to do with my Tom Sizemore-esque prostitute addiction than it is to do with Muse. He's forever pestering me to trade videos, you know. The big pervert.
9. MC5 - Rocket Reducer No. 62 (Rama Lama Fa Fa Fa)
How? I mean, just how? How do you make one stonkingly, ball-cuppingly wondrous album and then manage to do very little but rather strained averageness all around it? I don't actually want any answers or sensible comments regarding band troubles, this being a live album or any other nonsense. I just wanted some easy to type waffle with which to fill this entry, and pointing out that this album is leagues ahead of anything else they (or indeed most other people) ever managed seemed as good a bet as anything. I may as well have typed a small treatise on the relative attractiveness of cod when compared to other edible sea creatures for all the good this has done. And it seems to have taken me nearly six minutes. Bah.
10. Terry and the Blue Jeans - Misirlou
They're Japanese. Which is of absolutely no relevance. Or perhaps even less than that. I think I'm just unconsciously trying to justify having eight bajillion versions of Misirlou. All of which I love. In a bumming way.
11. Jose Feliciano - Tu Me Haces Falta
I no haces your falta. I gave it you back. You just can't find it.
12. Jose Feliciano - Miss Otis Regrets
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS RANDOM ABOUT THAT, PLEASE?
13. Isaac Hayes - (they long to be) Close to You
It's because they want to bum your big scientologist bum, Ike. And how!
14. Andy Williams - Can't Get Used to Losing You
You better try, bucko. I ain't coming back to your wrinkly, crooning bumface. I love this song (and several other Andy Williams songs).
15. Ricky Martin - Por Arriba, Por Abajo
Haven't a clue what he's on about, he looks like he has down's, he's grown a seriously ill-advised beard, but I love him.
16. Masta Killa - D.T.D. (feat. a whole bunch of people)
My joint second favourite solo Wu-Tang (first being GZA, first and a half being ODB and the rest being more or less all the rest of them equally).
17. Killah Priest - If You Don't Know
Jostling for postion with the aforementioned Mr. Killa in the slightly second tier of solo Wu-Tangers (a little behind U God, but slightly ahead of Redman. Mainly because he hasn't suffered from delusions of acting, and Heavy Mental is a better album than Whut? Thee annoyingly titled album!?!?)
18. R.E.M. - Get Up
...and turn the fucking stereo off. R.E.M. in tedious wankboremode. Which, to be fair, is the mode they are in most of the time, and blablabla.
19. Col. Abrams vs. Eurhythmics - Trapped Dreams
Wish it was just the Col. Abrams song instead of a mix. I love that song so hard. So hard it HURTS (the song that is, not me. It doesn't hurt me).
20. Revolting Cocks - Razor's Edge
Should any cementheads want an easy avenue into the splendid world of the massive end of semi-industrial lunacy that is the Revolting Cocks (it could be a euphemism for bumming. Or the most laboriously worded advert in a phonebox ever), then this is the song for you. And should any cementheads want a rewarding avenue into enormous throbbing basslines and frankly obscene, yet understated riffs (with added sleaze vox), then they should probably call a very specialised musical sexline. Either way, this song is motherblubbingly fantastic. Oh yes.
Bye!
---
Quite.
Blah blah blah mumble sPazAmp blah blah bleurgh shuffle do de doo dooo mumble cementheads.
1. Jello Biafra & Mojo Nixon (and probably some Toadliquors) - Hamlet Chicken Plant Disaster
Featuring no Jello Biafra at all. Unless he's making a weird, barely discernible noise in the background, or something. Still, much as I do love a bit of Jello, the better songs on the album are the ones where he isn't there. Mojo don't need no collaborations to be brilliant. Well, maybe Skid Roper. And possibly the toadliquors. And Jello Biafra sometimes. Okay, so maybe he does. Sometimes. But not at others. I'm going to stop now, because the fence is digging into my buttocks. That might be a euphemism. For bumming.
2. The Dicks Hate the Police
They do, you know. Really hate them. Absolutely can't stick them. Which may also be a euphemism. For bumming. However, the really sad aspect of this whole affair is not the bumming euphemism, it's the fact that they didn't manage to record anything that came within a million miles of being as good as this. They tried, they failed. Like Michael Barrymore trying to escape his past.
3. Melvins - Leeech
Reeeally spleeendid. I like the Melvins, did you know? I don't think I've ever really mentioned it before. And, reading back over this entry, I don't think I can find a single thing that could be construed as a euphemism for bumming. Which, I'm sure you will all agree, is a shame. Poor, stillborn running joke. How we mourn thee.
4. The Electric Prunes - Mujo 22
The start of this sounds exactly like something Rudi Vandersario and Spider Dijon might record. In fact, most of the song could have been spawned by the infamous bongo brothers. Which is amusing if that means anything to you, and isn't worth finding out if it doesn't (mainly because the song is a bit like Josh Hartnett's acting skills. That is, painful, tragic and cursed with an incredibly square head.
5. Lee Dresser & the Krazy Kats - Beat Out My Love
Not so much a euphemism for furious fapping as a direct, matter of fact musical showcase of it. Which, if you think about the sentence for a fraction too long, sounds really disgusting and bizarre. Still, it's really good in its own inimitable 50s twisted rock'n'roll way.
6. Jean-Jacques Perrey - 18th Century Puppet
Biting historical comment on the political situation in Europe in a time of stirring unrest and social upheaval, or a plinkly plonkly early electronic oddity? You decide.
7. The Littlest Hobo Theme
Elton John is naming his next tour after this, and only changing one letter. Although why he would want to call his tour "the littlest hrbo tour" I have no idea.
8. Muse - Hoodoo
Piss off you overearnest, overblown, over-egger-of-puddings midget tosspot. I like two entire songs, one entire half of another and, if I'm lucky, a little ten second snatch here and there. Although the last part is more to do with my Tom Sizemore-esque prostitute addiction than it is to do with Muse. He's forever pestering me to trade videos, you know. The big pervert.
9. MC5 - Rocket Reducer No. 62 (Rama Lama Fa Fa Fa)
How? I mean, just how? How do you make one stonkingly, ball-cuppingly wondrous album and then manage to do very little but rather strained averageness all around it? I don't actually want any answers or sensible comments regarding band troubles, this being a live album or any other nonsense. I just wanted some easy to type waffle with which to fill this entry, and pointing out that this album is leagues ahead of anything else they (or indeed most other people) ever managed seemed as good a bet as anything. I may as well have typed a small treatise on the relative attractiveness of cod when compared to other edible sea creatures for all the good this has done. And it seems to have taken me nearly six minutes. Bah.
10. Terry and the Blue Jeans - Misirlou
They're Japanese. Which is of absolutely no relevance. Or perhaps even less than that. I think I'm just unconsciously trying to justify having eight bajillion versions of Misirlou. All of which I love. In a bumming way.
11. Jose Feliciano - Tu Me Haces Falta
I no haces your falta. I gave it you back. You just can't find it.
12. Jose Feliciano - Miss Otis Regrets
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS RANDOM ABOUT THAT, PLEASE?
13. Isaac Hayes - (they long to be) Close to You
It's because they want to bum your big scientologist bum, Ike. And how!
14. Andy Williams - Can't Get Used to Losing You
You better try, bucko. I ain't coming back to your wrinkly, crooning bumface. I love this song (and several other Andy Williams songs).
15. Ricky Martin - Por Arriba, Por Abajo
Haven't a clue what he's on about, he looks like he has down's, he's grown a seriously ill-advised beard, but I love him.
16. Masta Killa - D.T.D. (feat. a whole bunch of people)
My joint second favourite solo Wu-Tang (first being GZA, first and a half being ODB and the rest being more or less all the rest of them equally).
17. Killah Priest - If You Don't Know
Jostling for postion with the aforementioned Mr. Killa in the slightly second tier of solo Wu-Tangers (a little behind U God, but slightly ahead of Redman. Mainly because he hasn't suffered from delusions of acting, and Heavy Mental is a better album than Whut? Thee annoyingly titled album!?!?)
18. R.E.M. - Get Up
...and turn the fucking stereo off. R.E.M. in tedious wankboremode. Which, to be fair, is the mode they are in most of the time, and blablabla.
19. Col. Abrams vs. Eurhythmics - Trapped Dreams
Wish it was just the Col. Abrams song instead of a mix. I love that song so hard. So hard it HURTS (the song that is, not me. It doesn't hurt me).
20. Revolting Cocks - Razor's Edge
Should any cementheads want an easy avenue into the splendid world of the massive end of semi-industrial lunacy that is the Revolting Cocks (it could be a euphemism for bumming. Or the most laboriously worded advert in a phonebox ever), then this is the song for you. And should any cementheads want a rewarding avenue into enormous throbbing basslines and frankly obscene, yet understated riffs (with added sleaze vox), then they should probably call a very specialised musical sexline. Either way, this song is motherblubbingly fantastic. Oh yes.
Bye!
BY STOMM!
The sPazAmp has a top-fives gimmick! Sweet toasty Moses!
---
Bring the pain, motherblubbers. The sPazAmp is back, and its about to attack. In a sense, at least. That sense being one of total falsehood. I've finished marking, and to celebrate I shall force myself to listen to something other than things conducive to marking (Boris is good for that. It helps not being able to understand the words, less of a distraction. Tubular Bells eight times in a row was just foolhardy, though. Subliminal urges to type "a now, two slightly DISTORTED guitars!" into the annotations).
ANYHOO, I shall have to go and chastise myself for typing "anyhoo" (I'll have to do it twice, now), and then I shall be right back, walking the walk and typing the type. Only you won't really notice, because me typing this is not a realtime affair. Ha. OWNED IN THE FACE, CEMENTHEADS.
Right. And off we go.
1. Peep Durple - Pictures of Home
Classic, typical even, Purps. It goes: The whole song, then guitar bit, then bass bit, then Jon "Gandalf" Lord's patented organ-sounding-like-guitar bit, then reprise, then fade out. Ian Gillan has a grand voice. Shame he's such a twat. Graham Bonnett had a belting voice as well. He was a right old twat and all.
Top Five Singers that Sung with Ritchie Blackmore (Twatdom optional):
1. Graham Bonnett (edges out the Trousersnake)
2. Ian Gillan
3. Ronnie James Dio (the lowest placed acceptable set of pipes)
4. The first one, forget his name. Used to blarble on inoffensively when they thought they were Vanilla Fudge.
5. Joe-Lynn Turner (stupid bollockhead. STOP GETTING RAINBOW WRONG)
2. Surgery - Bronto
First rate driving, thundering, grinding, sleazy, slithering noiseblues of the very best AmRep kind. Off their masterpiece "Nationwide", that I am sure you will now be out scouring the second hand shops for in order to buy it, entirely on my advice. Better than Nirvana (when Nirvana did good things. That is, when they weren't being turned into Cheap Trick for Nevermind). In fact, nothing like Nirvana, really. Well a bit. But that bit better. I'm confused.
Top Five Nationwide Presenters:
1. Hugh Scully
2. Sue Lawley
3. Frank "Hookers'n'Coke" Bough
4. That other bloke that did that thing, going out to places
5. Someone else
3.Roky Erickson - Bloody Hammer
One of Roky's high points from his solo wilderness. Sounds like about four other people, one of which is the Damned, and is therefore a good thing. Poor Roky. Never saw a penny from all them mobile phones.
Top Five Sylvester Stallone Films:
1. Ro(c)ky
2. Judge Dredd
3. First Blood
4. Ro(c)ky II
5. Cliffhanger
He was good in Copland (but the film was a bit poo) and Lords of Flatbush is a load of old mumbly shit.
4. Soft Cell - Numbers
In between the stunning high points, Soft Cell managed to produce a veritable mountain of musical effluent. This is a synthy morsel of that mountain.
Top Five Numbers:
1. One
2. Two
3. Three
4. Five
5. Eight
5. Tenacious D - The Metal
What's it gonna be, Kyle - Tits, or DESTINY?
tits.
Top Five Metals:
1. Heavy
2. Doom
3. Death
4. Thrash
5. Dalekanium
6. The Volcanoes - Murder USA
Sadly forgotten by the world at large, it is impossible to get hold of the splendid poppy, punky garage-tinged wonderment that was The Volcanoes. I'm restricted to the four songs I now own - two on a single obtained for free when they supported The Damned (Roman Jugg produced it and the album) and two songs on a Hybrid compilation. All four are fucking magnificent and it reduces me almost to the brink of thinking about tears that there is an entire album somewhere in the world that I can't have. Bastards.
Top Five Most Serious Natural Disasters:
1. Solar Storm
2. Michael Bay making films
3. Super volcano thing
4. Josh Squarehead Hartnett "acting" in them
5. BIRD FLU (or is it BSE again this month? Or chavitis?)
7. QOTSA - Mosquito Song
QOTSA were twice the band when Nick was a member: discuss. (hint: the answer is "yes, yes they were. and how!"
Top Five Diseases Contracted from Mosquitoes:
1. Malaria
2. Dengue Fever
3. Mosquito Aids (if you are insectophilic insectivert. On the plus side, a gnat's chuff really is as tight as a gnat's chuff [/herring])
4. Measles
5. Mosquitoitis
8. Tom Jones - Little Green Bag
I believe there should be a (feat. Bare Naked Ladies) in there somewhere. Better than the original. Because it's Tom. And Tom improves everything he even thinks of. It's a scientifical fact, dudes. He even improves the Bare Naked Ladies. Mind you, a mighty car crash would improve them. Sorry Canada.
Top Five Things About Tom Jones
1. He's Tom Jones!
2. He's made of durable orange leather
3. He's had so many face lifts, he can't help but smile
4. He can sing like a big-lunged bitch
5. He's from Wales
9. Faith No More - Out of Nowhere
Oof, powerful musical flashback. It's the early nineties again, and this is the only good selection on Gemstones fancy new-fangled video jukebox (well, it had Groove is the Heart on it too, which was good. But this was better. And besides, they'd spelt it "Grove is the Heart" for some reason. Took the edge off).
Top Five Places visited on a Thursday Night Out after Work in the Late Eighties/Early Nineties:
1. Cyprus Tavern
2. Konspiracy
3. The Beer House
4. Isadora's
=5. The Ducie Bridge
=5. Smithfields
10. Dead Kennedys - Moon Over Marin
If every album was of a comparably fucking wonderful standard as Frankenchrist, the world would be a happier place. Of course, this is off Plastic Surgery Disasters, but side two of that is just as good. Don't know why I pointed that out, you'd never have noticed because a: you aren't reading this and b: you're a cementhead who doesn't like Jello and his friends.
Top Five Kennedys
1. The song by the Wedding Present
2. Karl
3. Susan
4. Space Cent(e)r(e)
5. Nigel
11. NWA - Gangsta, Gangsta
With a right, left, right left you're toothless and then you say goddam they ruthless. Do I look like a motherblubbing role model?
Top Five Niggaz with Attitude
1. Eazy-E
2. Ice Cube (before he turned into a complete arse)
3. Dr. Dre (when he had more than one beat)
4. Ron de Vu
5. The Arabian Prince
Sorry Ren and Yella. Bet they aren't your real names anyway.
12. Leatherface - I Want the Moon
Well you can't have it, Frankie lad. Still, hoping to be remembered by more than just me (and the occasional notable other) for such bloody heartfelt, tuneful, frankly loud wonderfulness isn't exactly asking for the moon. You didn't get that, either. Life is a right evil tart.
Top Five Murderous Cinema Franchise People:
1. Michael Myers
2. Jason
3. Leatherface
4. One of the Cenobites (take your pick)
5. Mr. F. Krueger
13. Bryan Ferry - A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall
So far beyond the original in terms of splendour that the whiny nasal tramp's version can't even be seen by the Hubble telescope. In fact, each and every track on his recent album of Dylan covers is vastly superior to the original. And it is a well known fact that Baz hasn't managed a decent solo album since about 1988. Such is the inability of the whiny nasal tramp to decently perform the rather good songs he's written (plus, the Ferry album is really rather good, too).
Top Five Things Preferable to listening to the Whiny Nasal Tramp
1. Being gnawed to death by stoats
2. Shingles
3. Being Jerry Falwell (that would have made a weird film)
4. Knowing Richard Littlejohn (okay, I may have exaggerated)
5. Suffering a hemicorporectomy
14. Kylie Minogue - Red Blooded Woman
Congratulations Kylie, you're not a Vulcan. It's certainly no "Some Kind of Bliss" (back me up on this, Jona), but it's certainly a marvelous slice of homogenous pop.
Top Five Neighbours:
1. Mrs. Pincott, who used to let me walk her dog when I was little. Even though it nearly killed me by dragging me down a hill.
2. Bouncer
3. Libby
4. The nice old lady who died last year, bless her. Had a voice like a man, and looked like the manlady off The Golden Girls. I think she may have been a man. But still, bless her.
5. Karl Kennedy
15. War of the Worlds - Forever Autumn
Ah, the one time Justin Hayward made me cry (tears of anything other than sheer horror). Mind you, that's only because my Uncle had died (the uncle that would take us to play football and such. The cool uncle, who bestrode my tiny-yet-horizonless world like a colossus of knowledgeability and aceness. He wasn't even thirty), and then this was in the charts, and it made my mum cry, which made me cry. Three years or so later, the most wonderful primary school teacher in the world carted her own record player into school and played it for us, all in the name of learning and literature. I was an impressionable child and by then I think it was Richard Burton's voiceover that led to Ms. Locke's concern over my wellbeing.
Top Five Seasons:
1. Winter
2. Autumn
3. Summer
4. Paprika
5. Spring
16. Thee Mighty Caesars - Jack the Ripper
It's one of the instrumental ones. Add that to the previously gained medway knowledge, and you'll know how ace it is and practically be able to hear the genius thud and clatter of Bruce's drums.
Top Five Caesars:
1. Julius
2. Augustus
3. Octavius (maybe)
4. Julius II
5. Julius III
17. NKOTB - Hangin' Tough
I've no idea why this is on the sPazAmp. It might be one of the "downloaded on request by someone else" songs, I really don't know. I mean, it's not like I'd be afraid to fess up if it was one of mine (cf Tom Jones, Kylie, Ricky Martin, etc, etc). Bizarre.
Top Five NKOTBers
1. None of them
18. Roxy Music - A Song for Europe (Live '75)
Not the best quality (although as mid-70s bootlegs go, it's pretty good), but still, one of the finest songs ever created by man, beast or musical deity. Implicit bathos by the ladleful, heartfelt pathos by the wheelbarrowful, soul-squeezing indefinable sadness by the JCB-ful, plus an oboe! Plus it's sung in upwards of THREE different languages! By CHRIST I love this song. And so do you. Unless you're a massive cementhead, of course.
Top Five Songs for Europe
1. Izhar Cohen & Alphabeta - A-Ba-Ni-Bi
2. Herreys - Diggi-loo, Diggi-lay
3. Nicole- Ein Bisschen Frieden
4. Brainstorm - My Star (they were robbed, ROBBED I tell you. Stupid Danes)
5. Brotherhood of Mann - Save all Your Kisses
19. 1000 Homo DJs - Apathy
Best random purchase ever. A simple 12" cover, no info other than the titles - it was in the industrial section of Piccadilly records and the cover was a pastiche of the Black Sabbath album cover (it had a cover of Supernaut as first track - this was the second of two records, but the shop stuck on labels connected them, see). This was in the pre-t'internet days of knowing what every single release will contain, and who will do what on it. Turned out to be most of Ministry, William Rieflin plus a little bit of Jello! Bargain, as they say.
Top Five Record Shops that are or have been in Manchester
1. Eastern Bloc (when it had two bits, and you'd get served by the chap out of 808 State in one of them)
2. Piccadilly Records (when it was near Spin Inn, before Evil Fopp stole it)
3. Spin Inn (before it died a lonely death)
4. Goldmine (before it was bulldozed)
5. That chap's stall in the Corn Exchange (before it was bombed to buggery, and was accidentally gentrified by the IRA)
20. Ocean Colour Scene - Get Blown Away
I had previously been rumbled listening to an OCS song - the mind had wandered, I'd forgotten this window was open. Christ, do you really think I do nothing but record a good couple of hours thoughts in the one post? Do fup off. I feel like the chap revealing that Milli Vanilli mimed but no, sometimes I do other things. And, during those other things, OCS had popped up. ANYWAY. I went back and this was the choice (chosen by me, because it's fantastic). Entirely ripped off from Status Quo (Pictures of Matchstalk Men, and all the better for it), and quite splendid.
Top Five Latin Expressions:
1. Status Quo
2. Quod Erat Demostrandum (as one hopeful bod ended his A Level answer with)
3. Three others.
So there you go. A perfect demonstration of the imbalance of effort to appreciation. I care not (well, maybe a little), I got to have fun even if nobody else did.
---
Bring the pain, motherblubbers. The sPazAmp is back, and its about to attack. In a sense, at least. That sense being one of total falsehood. I've finished marking, and to celebrate I shall force myself to listen to something other than things conducive to marking (Boris is good for that. It helps not being able to understand the words, less of a distraction. Tubular Bells eight times in a row was just foolhardy, though. Subliminal urges to type "a now, two slightly DISTORTED guitars!" into the annotations).
ANYHOO, I shall have to go and chastise myself for typing "anyhoo" (I'll have to do it twice, now), and then I shall be right back, walking the walk and typing the type. Only you won't really notice, because me typing this is not a realtime affair. Ha. OWNED IN THE FACE, CEMENTHEADS.
Right. And off we go.
1. Peep Durple - Pictures of Home
Classic, typical even, Purps. It goes: The whole song, then guitar bit, then bass bit, then Jon "Gandalf" Lord's patented organ-sounding-like-guitar bit, then reprise, then fade out. Ian Gillan has a grand voice. Shame he's such a twat. Graham Bonnett had a belting voice as well. He was a right old twat and all.
Top Five Singers that Sung with Ritchie Blackmore (Twatdom optional):
1. Graham Bonnett (edges out the Trousersnake)
2. Ian Gillan
3. Ronnie James Dio (the lowest placed acceptable set of pipes)
4. The first one, forget his name. Used to blarble on inoffensively when they thought they were Vanilla Fudge.
5. Joe-Lynn Turner (stupid bollockhead. STOP GETTING RAINBOW WRONG)
2. Surgery - Bronto
First rate driving, thundering, grinding, sleazy, slithering noiseblues of the very best AmRep kind. Off their masterpiece "Nationwide", that I am sure you will now be out scouring the second hand shops for in order to buy it, entirely on my advice. Better than Nirvana (when Nirvana did good things. That is, when they weren't being turned into Cheap Trick for Nevermind). In fact, nothing like Nirvana, really. Well a bit. But that bit better. I'm confused.
Top Five Nationwide Presenters:
1. Hugh Scully
2. Sue Lawley
3. Frank "Hookers'n'Coke" Bough
4. That other bloke that did that thing, going out to places
5. Someone else
3.Roky Erickson - Bloody Hammer
One of Roky's high points from his solo wilderness. Sounds like about four other people, one of which is the Damned, and is therefore a good thing. Poor Roky. Never saw a penny from all them mobile phones.
Top Five Sylvester Stallone Films:
1. Ro(c)ky
2. Judge Dredd
3. First Blood
4. Ro(c)ky II
5. Cliffhanger
He was good in Copland (but the film was a bit poo) and Lords of Flatbush is a load of old mumbly shit.
4. Soft Cell - Numbers
In between the stunning high points, Soft Cell managed to produce a veritable mountain of musical effluent. This is a synthy morsel of that mountain.
Top Five Numbers:
1. One
2. Two
3. Three
4. Five
5. Eight
5. Tenacious D - The Metal
What's it gonna be, Kyle - Tits, or DESTINY?
tits.
Top Five Metals:
1. Heavy
2. Doom
3. Death
4. Thrash
5. Dalekanium
6. The Volcanoes - Murder USA
Sadly forgotten by the world at large, it is impossible to get hold of the splendid poppy, punky garage-tinged wonderment that was The Volcanoes. I'm restricted to the four songs I now own - two on a single obtained for free when they supported The Damned (Roman Jugg produced it and the album) and two songs on a Hybrid compilation. All four are fucking magnificent and it reduces me almost to the brink of thinking about tears that there is an entire album somewhere in the world that I can't have. Bastards.
Top Five Most Serious Natural Disasters:
1. Solar Storm
2. Michael Bay making films
3. Super volcano thing
4. Josh Squarehead Hartnett "acting" in them
5. BIRD FLU (or is it BSE again this month? Or chavitis?)
7. QOTSA - Mosquito Song
QOTSA were twice the band when Nick was a member: discuss. (hint: the answer is "yes, yes they were. and how!"
Top Five Diseases Contracted from Mosquitoes:
1. Malaria
2. Dengue Fever
3. Mosquito Aids (if you are insectophilic insectivert. On the plus side, a gnat's chuff really is as tight as a gnat's chuff [/herring])
4. Measles
5. Mosquitoitis
8. Tom Jones - Little Green Bag
I believe there should be a (feat. Bare Naked Ladies) in there somewhere. Better than the original. Because it's Tom. And Tom improves everything he even thinks of. It's a scientifical fact, dudes. He even improves the Bare Naked Ladies. Mind you, a mighty car crash would improve them. Sorry Canada.
Top Five Things About Tom Jones
1. He's Tom Jones!
2. He's made of durable orange leather
3. He's had so many face lifts, he can't help but smile
4. He can sing like a big-lunged bitch
5. He's from Wales
9. Faith No More - Out of Nowhere
Oof, powerful musical flashback. It's the early nineties again, and this is the only good selection on Gemstones fancy new-fangled video jukebox (well, it had Groove is the Heart on it too, which was good. But this was better. And besides, they'd spelt it "Grove is the Heart" for some reason. Took the edge off).
Top Five Places visited on a Thursday Night Out after Work in the Late Eighties/Early Nineties:
1. Cyprus Tavern
2. Konspiracy
3. The Beer House
4. Isadora's
=5. The Ducie Bridge
=5. Smithfields
10. Dead Kennedys - Moon Over Marin
If every album was of a comparably fucking wonderful standard as Frankenchrist, the world would be a happier place. Of course, this is off Plastic Surgery Disasters, but side two of that is just as good. Don't know why I pointed that out, you'd never have noticed because a: you aren't reading this and b: you're a cementhead who doesn't like Jello and his friends.
Top Five Kennedys
1. The song by the Wedding Present
2. Karl
3. Susan
4. Space Cent(e)r(e)
5. Nigel
11. NWA - Gangsta, Gangsta
With a right, left, right left you're toothless and then you say goddam they ruthless. Do I look like a motherblubbing role model?
Top Five Niggaz with Attitude
1. Eazy-E
2. Ice Cube (before he turned into a complete arse)
3. Dr. Dre (when he had more than one beat)
4. Ron de Vu
5. The Arabian Prince
Sorry Ren and Yella. Bet they aren't your real names anyway.
12. Leatherface - I Want the Moon
Well you can't have it, Frankie lad. Still, hoping to be remembered by more than just me (and the occasional notable other) for such bloody heartfelt, tuneful, frankly loud wonderfulness isn't exactly asking for the moon. You didn't get that, either. Life is a right evil tart.
Top Five Murderous Cinema Franchise People:
1. Michael Myers
2. Jason
3. Leatherface
4. One of the Cenobites (take your pick)
5. Mr. F. Krueger
13. Bryan Ferry - A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall
So far beyond the original in terms of splendour that the whiny nasal tramp's version can't even be seen by the Hubble telescope. In fact, each and every track on his recent album of Dylan covers is vastly superior to the original. And it is a well known fact that Baz hasn't managed a decent solo album since about 1988. Such is the inability of the whiny nasal tramp to decently perform the rather good songs he's written (plus, the Ferry album is really rather good, too).
Top Five Things Preferable to listening to the Whiny Nasal Tramp
1. Being gnawed to death by stoats
2. Shingles
3. Being Jerry Falwell (that would have made a weird film)
4. Knowing Richard Littlejohn (okay, I may have exaggerated)
5. Suffering a hemicorporectomy
14. Kylie Minogue - Red Blooded Woman
Congratulations Kylie, you're not a Vulcan. It's certainly no "Some Kind of Bliss" (back me up on this, Jona), but it's certainly a marvelous slice of homogenous pop.
Top Five Neighbours:
1. Mrs. Pincott, who used to let me walk her dog when I was little. Even though it nearly killed me by dragging me down a hill.
2. Bouncer
3. Libby
4. The nice old lady who died last year, bless her. Had a voice like a man, and looked like the manlady off The Golden Girls. I think she may have been a man. But still, bless her.
5. Karl Kennedy
15. War of the Worlds - Forever Autumn
Ah, the one time Justin Hayward made me cry (tears of anything other than sheer horror). Mind you, that's only because my Uncle had died (the uncle that would take us to play football and such. The cool uncle, who bestrode my tiny-yet-horizonless world like a colossus of knowledgeability and aceness. He wasn't even thirty), and then this was in the charts, and it made my mum cry, which made me cry. Three years or so later, the most wonderful primary school teacher in the world carted her own record player into school and played it for us, all in the name of learning and literature. I was an impressionable child and by then I think it was Richard Burton's voiceover that led to Ms. Locke's concern over my wellbeing.
Top Five Seasons:
1. Winter
2. Autumn
3. Summer
4. Paprika
5. Spring
16. Thee Mighty Caesars - Jack the Ripper
It's one of the instrumental ones. Add that to the previously gained medway knowledge, and you'll know how ace it is and practically be able to hear the genius thud and clatter of Bruce's drums.
Top Five Caesars:
1. Julius
2. Augustus
3. Octavius (maybe)
4. Julius II
5. Julius III
17. NKOTB - Hangin' Tough
I've no idea why this is on the sPazAmp. It might be one of the "downloaded on request by someone else" songs, I really don't know. I mean, it's not like I'd be afraid to fess up if it was one of mine (cf Tom Jones, Kylie, Ricky Martin, etc, etc). Bizarre.
Top Five NKOTBers
1. None of them
18. Roxy Music - A Song for Europe (Live '75)
Not the best quality (although as mid-70s bootlegs go, it's pretty good), but still, one of the finest songs ever created by man, beast or musical deity. Implicit bathos by the ladleful, heartfelt pathos by the wheelbarrowful, soul-squeezing indefinable sadness by the JCB-ful, plus an oboe! Plus it's sung in upwards of THREE different languages! By CHRIST I love this song. And so do you. Unless you're a massive cementhead, of course.
Top Five Songs for Europe
1. Izhar Cohen & Alphabeta - A-Ba-Ni-Bi
2. Herreys - Diggi-loo, Diggi-lay
3. Nicole- Ein Bisschen Frieden
4. Brainstorm - My Star (they were robbed, ROBBED I tell you. Stupid Danes)
5. Brotherhood of Mann - Save all Your Kisses
19. 1000 Homo DJs - Apathy
Best random purchase ever. A simple 12" cover, no info other than the titles - it was in the industrial section of Piccadilly records and the cover was a pastiche of the Black Sabbath album cover (it had a cover of Supernaut as first track - this was the second of two records, but the shop stuck on labels connected them, see). This was in the pre-t'internet days of knowing what every single release will contain, and who will do what on it. Turned out to be most of Ministry, William Rieflin plus a little bit of Jello! Bargain, as they say.
Top Five Record Shops that are or have been in Manchester
1. Eastern Bloc (when it had two bits, and you'd get served by the chap out of 808 State in one of them)
2. Piccadilly Records (when it was near Spin Inn, before Evil Fopp stole it)
3. Spin Inn (before it died a lonely death)
4. Goldmine (before it was bulldozed)
5. That chap's stall in the Corn Exchange (before it was bombed to buggery, and was accidentally gentrified by the IRA)
20. Ocean Colour Scene - Get Blown Away
I had previously been rumbled listening to an OCS song - the mind had wandered, I'd forgotten this window was open. Christ, do you really think I do nothing but record a good couple of hours thoughts in the one post? Do fup off. I feel like the chap revealing that Milli Vanilli mimed but no, sometimes I do other things. And, during those other things, OCS had popped up. ANYWAY. I went back and this was the choice (chosen by me, because it's fantastic). Entirely ripped off from Status Quo (Pictures of Matchstalk Men, and all the better for it), and quite splendid.
Top Five Latin Expressions:
1. Status Quo
2. Quod Erat Demostrandum (as one hopeful bod ended his A Level answer with)
3. Three others.
So there you go. A perfect demonstration of the imbalance of effort to appreciation. I care not (well, maybe a little), I got to have fun even if nobody else did.
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